Jessica's Blog

Morning time came and went like a passing fury.  Much as always. 

Honey Girl has taken a new tone to her language that I have chosen to respond to with, "Ok, let's try that again.... and try to say it nicely."  THis is in response to being told, "Mommy!  You forgot to get me my...."  Shyeah... get it yourself kiddo!  I relayed this new language choice with teachers at her school and was given kudos and a warning.  "Wait til she starts using 'it's all your fault'".  Yeah.  Thanks.  Hadn't thought of that.

Big Boy is a slow riser.  I am glad we've managed to drag out of bed in a more timely fashion in order to "support his independence" in his morning routine.  It takes this kid fifteen minutes to get out of his pajamas and into his uniform.  Thankfully I'm usually nursing Little Lady while giving him the occasional verbal cue, because if getting him into his clothes were my only task I might just lose my head.  Once he gets some food into his belly, he becomes human.

Little Lady continues to rock my world.  It's no longer okay to dress her lying down, and she will show preferences if given choices in clothing. 

Once I dropped off the final child I took a deep exhale. 

Today was my lucky day.  The weather was perfection.  The sun was shining.  I had my Buck dog with me.  We hiked.  We hiked to the reservoir in Los Gatos.  It was a wonderful *rather* brisk trip up and back in an hour.  Ferns are popping up along the sides of the trail.  The smell of damp earth is heavenly.  Rushing water from the drainage pipes is musical.

I came home, showered, took care of home chores with tired legs.  I felt physically beat and blissful.  You know, when your body is all warm and tired and rosey from a good workout?  It's yummy and fantastic.  Job well done.  Body well cared for.

Then the pick ups began.  My day went downhill from the there.  As in.... that roller coaster at Cedar Point with the highest steepest drop downhill form there.

It took me over half an hour to pick up Honey Girl as she did not want to wake up in order to leave school.  She had wet through all over her clothes and her nap time linens and did not want to be a participant in her own clean up.  She did not want to leave.  She did not want this or that..... Oh.  And I forgot to dress her.  I forgot to take her clothes off.  Y'get the picture.  I handled it gracefully and patiently.  Granted, it's my witching hour at her pick up time, so I'm usually dragging for an hour until my body gives up yet again on the concept of a nap and perks up again.

LIttle Lady  was warm I went to pick her up.  She had been sleepy all day.  Falling asleep here and there, fussy and just tired.  She had her Hep B vaccine at her nine month appointment yesterday, so it's understandable.  She was warm.  I let Katy know I'd be keeping her tomorrow, due to her steadily warming temperature while I was holding her and nursing her while Honey Girl played with the babies and the baby toys. 

I took the girls to get the groceries in a bit of a rush, in order to get Big Boy by the end of his after school sports.  Big shopping trip.  Yes, please help me to the car.  As an aside, I love it when folks pass me with two of my kids and quip how I have my hands full... when it's only TWO of them ;-).

We go to pick up Big Boy.  It's five o'clock and I've been "picking up kids"  since 2:20.  Big Boy walks to the car and informs me he had a bit of an accident in his pants.  Again.  Again.  Oh my freakin'.... fer pete's sake.... o'fer the lovah all that's sacred again?!?!?

I felt a screw go lose.

I will spare you the attempted supportive and yet strict parent dialogue that ensued... or the actual yelling that occured when Big Boy told me that one time too many "I dunno".

We got home.  Big Boy was instructed to strip out of his soiled clothes and put them immediately into the washing machine in the garage.  I unloaded the countless bags of groceries needed to fuel these ingrate brats children.  Honey Girl offered to help, but decided she "doesn't want to" after finding the one item in the bags she was gunning for to begin with; her valentines.  Little Lady was last out of the van and not happy about it because she had  a fever by then.

Big Boy sulks upstairs with instructions to take a bath.  Little Lady is given motrin and the dosage syringe to play with while I put away the groceries, empty the dishwasher and try to keep Honey Girl from hanging on the dog by offering her a mandarin orange.  While finishing my grocery chore I am told repeatedly that "I am eating a cutie, because I am a cutie.... I am a cutie princess, momma!  I am a cutie pretty princess!!  MOMMMMMAAA!  I AM A CUTIE PRINCESS, OKAYYYYY??!?!!"

I take Little Lady upstairs with Honey Girl at my feet to check on Big Boy.  Every child gets bathed in quick succession.  Lots of dialogue about "Okay, you washed your hair, what comes next?"  "Please dry your body and put on your jammies"

When we get back downstairs after our backwards evening.... I found myself feeling really done.  I wish I could feel a feeling before feeling done.  But what would I do with that feeing?  Looking back on the events of the afternoon and evening, I don't see a time I could have taken a personal time-out.  I did something I haven't done in well over a year.  I popped the cork on a bottle of merlot.  Yup.  Screw this, I'm having a glass of merlot.

I tossed the kids' valentine's to them to "do" and with babe on hip, with the occasional swig of oakey goodness, I made it til Hubby got home without running away, screaming bloody murder, sobbing uncontrollably, abusing the kids, or coming undone in some other fashion.

The kids got their nutritious, healthy dinner.  We talked about their days, their friends.  I listened to good music on the squeezebox and even sang along a little.  At the diner table, Honey Girl said, "You're a good Momma, Momma."  "Why thank you, Honey Girl... you know just what to say." 

That mild wine buzz really did take the edge off.. and seeing as I haven't had a drink that lead to a buzz since August.. gotta say I feel no guilt.

"When all else fails, lower your standards." My mom joked with me later on the phone.

Yes, the kids got to bed just fine.  Yes, they are snoozing well, although Honey Girl made three trips down saying her diaper fell off.... thus having us put her into jammie pants so she would stop taking it off.

I am in a phase of this just sucking right now.  I mean, it can really just suck the life out of me.  I feel like I'm treading water from the time I drag them out of bed until I drop them off, and then again when I get them all home until bedtime.  No, it's not always this way, but recently it's been just brutal.  Between Honey Girl's need for a constant audience to her antics and demanding feedback to every comment, Big Boy's need for complete silence or issues around school, and Little Lady's joyful (and I'd love to just do this) wish to be held all the time.... some days I am just toast.

What I have a wonder about is this:  would this evening have sent me over the edge so much if I hadn't had such a great hike earlier in the day?  I mean, if I had just run errands, replied to e-mails, made all the phone calls I needed to make.... if I hadn't done something so luxuriantly self-endulgent as hiking up into the hills and gotten my nature jollies, would this evening have felt like such crap?  In theory, one would think that I would have felt so fueled by nature... nothing would have brought me down... right?

Guess not.

So tomorrow I have Little Lady with me, and while I need to cancel on a thing or two.... nothing could make me happier than holding her, cuddling her and soothing her all day.  Maybe the bigguns will have a park run-down session after school tomorrow instead of being inside.

I took a big step in writing this post.  I have long been one to not want to talk about the hard stuff.  To not want to seem ungrateful for my kids.  I am grateful.  I love them.  I wouldn't have it any other way.  But today... and quite a bit lately.  It has been kicking my ass.  I am taking many steps  I may write about later to keep myself afloat.  I can see how moms who don't have it in themselves to fight for their happiness get lost, alienated, angry, resentful, and honestly done to the point of no return. 

Oh, and to cheer me up this evening, Hubby played Wii against me and brutally beat me in every measly game on the easiest setting.  Yeah, that felt great.....

Thank God my next pole class starts soon.