That bad mom
I feel like utter shit this evening. Really, truly I do. I was just a few steps away from making a, "Please talk me down form this cliff." phone call this afternoon. I was just so done. So very done.
Why?
I have three small kids and I am beat. Whopped. Tired. Stick a fork in me.
Why?
the colds. The never ending coughs and ear infections... the DOG has one now! So I got zilch sleep all weekend and am running on below empty. Little Lady is fine now. Big Boy started coughing when I got him home. Needy, grumpy, gimme gimme sick kiddos. Cover your cough..please use a tissue.. please don't cough in my face..... kiddos.
When I am so tired, it really is hard to be a great mom. It is hard to form a full sentence, much less make it a friendly, empowering, encouraging, positive discipline message. So I go nearly monosyllabic and grunt and growl. Then I feel like a total bitch. I beat myself with the ugly stick for grunting, growling and barking at a five year old or three year old.
But.... why can't Honey Girl just.... chill?????
But... why can't Big Boy just do a task without day dreaming or getting distracted by Honey Girl who can't just.... chill??
WHy can't either of them just do something without needing it to be said fifteen times with a song, dance, and personally written embossed invite?
Thankfully.... so far... Little Lady is blameless and along for the ride. Seems as soon as she's to the breast and blissfully going into a milk induced heavenly snooze... her sibs lose their minds, start fighting or doing something so I have to pluck her off and move. Usually with a not so friendly, soothing, or kind voice.
Meditation is helping loads, but at the same time, I think it's just allowing me to state more clearly and concisely exactly what is pissing me off without my blood pressure going up.... which frankly has got to be a bit more scary.
time for bed!
Oh sweetie... you are SO not a bad mom. I mean, think about the huge shift in parenting in the last 10 years. Compared to when we were kids... they've got a cake walk. We don't spank them (with a stick or a belt). They never have to go wait in the car (by themselves) when they misbehave in a restaurant. I think our job was already hard, and only made harder by positive discipline. (Not that it's bad, it's just a hell of a lot of work almost all the time; let's hope we don't regret it in 30 years!!!).
It's okay to feel like crap and not be Miss Congeniality every day. It wouldn't be realistic if Mom were actually like June Cleaver, now would it?
We're also not from the Deep South, where a nice cool glass of sweet tea and an equally cloyingly smile can make it all disappear for a while. It sucks to have sick kids, and it's SOOO draining. You have every right to wish they could hold it together, and I wish that developmentally they could give you that break you so deserve.
I hope they're on the mend soon. And call me if you need a breather, or a shoulder to cry on.
Posted by Tonya — 25 Jan 2008, 15:50