What is the deal with marriage?
Recently my mother sent me a note regarding a previous posting of my blog. The post was about my date time with my husband and justifying the cost. What she said was interesting and got my mental wheels turning. It was:
"If any one of your Dad’s and my four parents would have set up a “dating” fund, history would be different."
Awkward pause as MOST wonder "whaa???" to what she wrote.... not to worry.. 'lemme 'splain...
I think part of what my quite likely tipsy mother wrote was wondering; IF she and my father had more alone time dating, would their marriage have survived? I personally don't think so. There was a lot more missing there than a few date nights, truth be told. But I did find her thought one worth wondering about.
Needless to say. I am a child of divorce. So is my husband. So is my Mother. So is my Father. So is my Step-Mother. And in pre-divorce ways (leaving, disappearing for years, or drinking to death) so were some of my grandparents. It makes me realized in a very real way why there is not just a legacy of divorce in our families, but also a simple lack of support of "marriage".
My curiosity is this: what does it mean to support another person's marriage? I mean, at weddings (don't we LOVE 'em?) We all stand there and ooooo and awwww at these two beautiful people taking the leap of faith into partnership. Often at some point in the ceremony, it is asked of those attending to support "this union". We all nod or say "we do"... but what does that mean? If my fore parents had support, would their marriage vows have held up to the trials of life? What would that support have been? Or was it simply a lack of a standing example of people who DID remain married?
I've heard reports about statistics claiming that children of divorce have an increased chance at divorce.... ok.... AND that if divorce goes back a generation the chances for marital failure are greater. Huh. Sucks to be me and Hubby if we buy into this stuff, right?
This last year has been a tough one for Hubby and me. No, we were nowhere near marital discord or "trouble" but yes, it was stressful with the little kids and not much time together to put out brains back into our skulls after the sleep deprivation. My parents were unavailable to babysit, we hadn't bit the bullet yet on hiring a sitter. It was hard. If we did not have the help or the change in finances, I could see the stress building to resentment, and more work down the road. Sleep deprivation makes for grumpiness, grumpiness leads to inability to communicate... on and on.
Did we have marital support? Oh yes we did. The wise women in my women's group LISTENED and remembered the years when their babes were still babes.... Empathetic and supportive phone calls from family members telling us we were great parents were a much needed boost. Girlfriends girlfriends girlfriends with two small babes who I could laugh with about things, because they "got it" in a very in the moment way how tired we all were and how hard it is.
IS success in marriage a crap shoot?
I have friends who have gotten divorced. To simplify, their marriages didn't work out in the end because they were truly hoping the person they married would become the person they wanted to be married to OR... they were unable to change into the person their spouse wanted to be married to. No amount of dates or alone time can remedy that. The wisdom often unheard of "you cannot change someone!". Divorce really is horrible for anyone to go through, and I know not one of them ever thought their marriage would end. The guilt and anger over it hit hard. Why did theirs go flop when others didn't?
Please don't get me wrong... I am not critical of those who divorce, as it is always a last resort, and honestly I feel it exists for a VERY GOOD reason. I am so so glad my parents are not together anymore. This blog entry is wondering what makes marriage work.... I promise to blog about how great my divorced friends are doing now that they dissolved unhappy unions some other time....
I look to marriages that last and what do I see? Two separate and complete people choosing to love and support one another through the tides of life. Two separate people who do not buy into the concept of everlasting romantic love, but of partnership. Screw this silly notion of fairy tales, of housewives, of gender roles, and such. Those things seem to have the effect on marriages that beauty magazines have on self esteem... disaster. Sadly the very romantic notion of sacrificing yourself or your dreams for the ones you love appears to lead to destruction. No one can martyr their life passions for long and remain happy. Once unhappy, walls build... and splatter goes the relationship off those walls.
Years ago at a friends' wedding, the groom's parents (Lutheran ministers) officiated. They did a really cool thing in their sermon.... beyond that they often do sermons together. They said that one of the greatest gifts to the bride a groom was the fact that they both had parents who had been HAPPILY married for well over 30 years each. That they had an example of how to make it work that many don't have. The advice they gave in the form of a motif throughout the sermon was that when all else ... well... these are my own words... but when all else goes to hell in a hand basket, you have your faith that it WILL work out, it CAN be worked out, this too shall pass. It was inspiring. hokey, optimistic a bit, but inspiring.
I got the pleasure of seeing a friend last night I had not seen in a very very long time. She's part of the catalyst to do this "bloggy". I had not seen her in about a year because her husband was ill. He had cancer and she turned her life upside down, sideways, twisted and rolled in order to be with him and support him WHILE ALSO clinging hard to her passions and sense of self. I am in such awe of her. She was not happy with herself at that time. She was able to be with our group because she told her husband to go back to their house in Truckee on his own. His treatment was done, she needed time and space to decompress and get back on her own two feet. I saw such a battle going on in her between being the "good wife" and being the partner who needed a breather after seeing someone through a year of chemo, radiation and ALLLLLL that entails.
She had gone through someone soo "gianormous". She was there for him. She needed a break from him. By taking that break from him, I'm sure she was being a better partner to him. I realized she was the only woman in our group in her sixties who had stayed married.
I looked at my "my age" counterparts in the group who are married and now in the family way like I am. We took the leap. We give the support. We have the supprt. We have the faith. WHo knows what lies ahead for us in our marriage lives. But wow... What is the deal with marriage??
Interesting topic. I, too, come from divorced parents and divorced grandparents (in all cases, multiple times; how wierd is it that this is the first I've thought of that?). I usually just focus on my father, who has had four spectacular failures into the forray of marriage.
For myself and my husband, we don't view divorce as an option. We went into this agreement with the belief that we would do whatever it takes to make it through together. And it's not easy. There is a constant tending that needs to happen, and given all we'd had in our lives this past year, I see some strain but we are still strong. We are finally going out on dates (thanks to your good example at finding a babysitter!).
I can say I know what the future holds for our family, but I can't picture a life without my husband and daughter, all of us living together. I wonder if just the belief in our minds that splitting up is not an option... if that keeps us tending to our couplehood, or if in the long run it will make any difference? At what point does a spouse or couple realize that there has been some crucial point passed, that it's irrepairable?
Good food for thought.
Posted by Tonya — 03 Oct 2005, 09:37