detox the martyr
While doing my bodywork training, a big topic of discussion throughout was the detox. When a body is massaged, the muscles release toxins into the blood stream and they are then flushed out of the body. This partly explains why people can feel sore or thirsty after a session. Sometimes when a good amount of work is done in succession, a person may even succumb to a minor cold, sweating, body odor or have memories return that have been hiding away for a while. As our bodies carry the story of our lives... as Carolin Myss says "Our biography becomes our biology" stirring up the system can knock things loose. I temd to speak in metaphor, so please bear with me in this one.
I have caught my kids' head cold. It's not a big deal, really... jsut your run of the mill sinus yucky, drippy, eyes blurry, can't sleep because I can't breath kind of thing. I have not had regular bodywork since I was in massage school ages ago.. but whenever I catch a bug I know that it is a message being sent to me to check my head or heart or spirit for "where I'm at". Through many tissues and a looong hot shower to loosen the crud I'm coming to the realization that I have been in an ultra shitty head space. Prior to getting the cold, that is. This cold is my detox. the break down to break through yet again to another phase of evolving.
I constantly agonize over being the mother to my children and wife to husband I want to be. What purpose does this serve? Yes it does keep me busy, but it is also a darned good recipe for burnout. I've been drowning in a world of not enough hours in a day to do all that I would want to do. Not enough time to spend with each kid and with my husband as I would please. The house will never been clean, really. The laundry will never be done. My children know I adore them beyond reason and that I am here when they need me. So how about I lay off myself a bit, huh? maybe the title of this posting should be workaholic stay at home mom.
It's not to place blame, truly it is NOT. I was raised in an atmosphere that openly mocked women who chose to stay home to raise their kids. The houswife was actually a costume my sister wore for Halloween one year. She put on a bathrobe, curlers and mud mask and hit the streets. In the air was the thought that stay at home moms did so because they were uneducated, didn't wish more for themselves or didn't have the wherewithal or talent to do otherwise. They were coddled, spoiled, and had the easy life. They had nothing to be passionate about, and had nothing interesting to say. But you know what? one of the best memories of my life is the day I came home in the pouring rain to my babysitter ( I was 5 at the time) who made me some warm soup, got me into dry clothes and put a towel in my hair. Granted... the reason this is one of my best memories is because I was a latch key kid by the time I was 6 or 7 (divorce and all). But I digress...
While in the shower steaming myself tonight I asked my deep inner self what is up with all this self-bludgeoning on the mommy-wife front? What seems to be the resounding answer my spirit gives is this: I have a need to prove to "working" (har har har!) folks that what i do day in and day out is just as worthy. That this is hard work that many women run back to "work" to avoid. Clearly I am my own worste critic on this front. It's time to re-wire that nerve web if I intend to remain mentally sane or physically healthy. IT is truly up to me to get out of that vampiric thinking if I want to enjoy this amazing time in my life with my kids. Fuck that less than crap. I release from my energetic space all those women who see this as an easy road.
I'm still up now and it is way into the wee hours of the morning. I dont' want to lie down beause the sinus pressure bugs me. I must say, the one thing I am looking forward to when i stop nursing is simply the ability to take "the good drugs" when i have a cold... but really, that's about it... little one is still a good nurser with no sign of stopping and she's almost 11 months old wahoo! I woudl SOOoooo go for some hardcore nyquil-type knock me out cold and wake up feeling like a new person drug right about now.
g-night.