Jessica's Blog

I had an awesome day at the park today.  Big Boy SHARED!  with kids he didn't know!  his CARS!  without being supervised!  I was amazed and proud and beaming from afar.  There were minor altercations, but nothing like "back in the day".  One little boy kept trying to poke Big Boy in the eye with a stick.  The kid wouldn't minde me, so i found his mom and finked him out.  Boy did he get it.  I was concerned about shaming the mom.... but later a woman from her playgroup made a point of coming up to me and telling me she thought I handled it beautifully and gracefully.  How nice was that?  Baby Girl had her first real day at the park.  She spent her whole time in the playstructure crawling and supported walking about.  It was really a great time out.

I made phonecalls today too!  I EVEN answered a call AND hung out on the phone with my friend Vicky instead of napping.  And yes.... it was quite worth it.  ;-)

Tough night.  Baby Girl just was really pissed at the world.  So I have bruises on my arms from her pinching while nursing.  She's in our room... flopping around in her sleep.  I have a feeling she'll be up soon.

I'm not social like most folks, I don't think.

Seems folks call each other on the phone a lot and chat.  I don't do that.  Too often anymore.  I think I wore out the phone thing after 24.  That and I don't like being on the phone with my kids around.. both because they are noisy and I'm not that mom who has a phone to her ear while mothering.  Not to judge, but i jsut can't concentrate on anything when I'm on the phone but the phone.  When I talk to someone, I like a conversation...or quick relay of information.  Chatting?  I find it hard to do in my day to day life.  I go through phases, but for the most part?  It ain't happenin.

I try.

It feels like working out.  Once I do it, it feels great.  But when I don't do it.  I gotta be honest... I feel fine too.

When does it get to be a problem?

Much like some folks wake up feeling like they have a flabby ass...and try to get to the gym.  I wake up feeling like a social loser with no friends and that I should pick up the phone and call some.  tend that friendship garden as it were.

When do I feel like a loser?  at gatherings when it seems like everyone knows everything about everyone else and I know NOTHING.  Or when high school friends get together or when college friends get together.... what??? is it usual to just call up old friends all the time and talk?  Honestly friends I hold dearest to my heart I may not speak to more than twice a year. 

As I was driving away from Squaw Valley, I called to tell a friend we were leaving.  We were begged to stay.  We had to go.  I hung up, sighed, feeling a tad bit guilty until I realized none of them has ever picked up the phone to call me ever.

I read somewhere to make "phone dates"  I tried that.  Didn't work....for Baby Girl reasons.

I'd write more on this, but I'm tired.  Yup.  Maybe even too freaking tired to send the e-mails I need to send. 

Oh, we are born a lone and we die alone.. maybe this is one topic I can leave alone! ha!  But to those of you out there who KNOW about this blog, who I speak to about twice a year.. please know I care about you very much....I'm simply a social loser!

I find myself getting really giddy over the strangest things lately maybe it's the new form of teether sleep deprivation.. but check this out... I'm being honest... I get really happy/excited about this stuff! like:

the two pack of neosporin at the costco (two BIG tubes too!)
the two pack of children's motrin at the costco (two BIG bottles too!)
a $1 a box special on Dora band-aids
a Buzz Lightyear toothbrush
a crazy plush stuffed animal of the cat or dog persuasion
a new episode of Backyardigans ( I love Uniqua best... Baby Girl likes Pablo and Big Boy likes Tyrone)
Whenever a fire truck is parked at the lot of the grocery store and fire fighters are inside getting groceries (Big Boy and them have a mutual admiration society)
construction sites
the far off sound of a diesel train horn causing Big Boy and I both to gasp, look at each other and say "hear THAT?!?!?  a train!"
Knowing Baby Girl sees a dog whenever I hear her panting like one
Knowing Baby Girl sees a Cat whenever she meows like one
hearing the chime and clatter of baby girl's walker going all over the pergo downstairs
Seeing a preview for some goofy CGI pointless kid flic, turning to Hubby and saying "Ooooh!! Family movie trip!"  I mean, really.... is Valiant all that cool???

I moved Baby Girl's crib to Big Boy's room again.  Right now she's crashed out in the Pak N Play in our room.  I'm awaiting her middle of the night wake up call/ nursing session/ possible motrin dose to move her down the hall.  She and Big BOy have now moved to completely different nap times.  So I have 20 minutes during the day when she's waking up and wanting to be held/changed/ nursed/ brought back to this world while he wants to be read to/ sung to/ conversed with/ put down.  Usually what I get his about 5 minutes of them taking turns screaming.... a few minutes of them both climbing on me and competitively body blocking each other followed by both of them having a fit and Big Boy have the bigger fit as I leave him to go to sleep.

I'm tired, but adjusting to my "no nap; no way in hell" for me lifestyle.

Baby Girl is going to be a year old next month and I'm wondering how much longer I get to breastfeed.  She goes through phases of having no interest and then phases of wanting nothing but the boob.  I love breastfeeding.  It's so easy and obvious.  Actually, I take that back.  It isn't "easy" per se.  Any breastfeeding mom knows the difficulty of feeding a bigger baby who is hungry but also wants to take in all there is to see in the world...or wants to have immediate let down and gets ultra pissed when the boobs don't just fountain as they wish... so they give up... only to leave you blue-boobed when the milk DOES let down.  I've had 2 or 3 (I honestly can't remember for sure) systemic breast yeast infections that bowled me flat, but didn't stop me.

But you know what?  It really is awesome.  I do it for as long as I do it because it IS work and just seems like one of the most natural animalistic things left in this world that connects us to every other mammal.  Breastfeeding our young.  Beyond the medical research about why it's the best for a baby.....Deep inside I feel regret that I didn't have natural childbirth with either of my kids.  there was no way!  they were huge!  But breastfeeding is something I do for them readily and without hesitation.  Big boy breast fed until 15 months.  I stopped only because I had to travel away and he seemed ready.  Who knows how long Baby Girl will stick with it.

Why do I go on about breatfeeding?  Well... beyond how awesome it is....It's my nursing bras.  They are shot and they are expensive, but they are DIVINE.... I want to get new ones, but we're talking $150 to replenish and if Baby Girl is going to finish up soon on her own, why invest?  But they are soo great, and every woman knows how hard it is to find a goooood bra.  And therefore that much harder to find a good one for nursing.    Nursing: when breasts change shape and size over and over throughout the day.... or need to be fastened half asleep in the dark or without looking under three layers of clothes at the park  while STILL making the girls look fabulous, keeping them comfy and looking sexy too???

Bella Materna... so worth every penny.  I think i just talked myself into buying the bras.. ha ha ha

The reward money grows and grows as more and more customers donate to catch the Duck killer.  Pictures of his car description, himself are on the news.  Police are confident he'll be caught.  I mean, c'mon the guy has a vanity plate and a sticker for a college or apartment building.

here's the latest story

Every now and then a story rides out of the news that actually wrenches my gut more than others.  News in general is horrible stuff.  Murder, rape, robbery, scandal.... so I don't usually watch.  Tonight as I was leaving to go meet with some friends Hubby told me a story that just floored me. It totally caught me off guard and made me really sad.

Our local car wash, The Delta Queen,  looks like a river boat.  There is a mote around it with decking and in the water are fish and ducks; quite a few ducks.  Every spring there are ducklings.  They walk around the car detailing area and nest in the bushes.  Kids like to feed them, and as you drive out of the car wash, you drive carefully so as not to bump into them as they waddle along.  They are adorable and relaxing and part of what makes it such a great place to get a car washed.  Makes you feel like family.  The big domestic mutt ducks that apparently started at a gift of two ducks back in 1972!

Well, last night some kid drove up, herded a bunch of the ducks and ducklings from their nesting area near the water into the neighboring parking lot and mowed them down with his car.  We're talking 15 or so minutes of footage on the security camera of this guy running the ducks over... and over... and over and picking them up and throwing them against the walls.  Just horrible horrible stuff.  He killed ten of them in a really bad way.

I left the house to go to my friends' for the evening and found myself going to the car wash.  How bleeding heart of me, but I gotta tell you, I wasn't alone.  There were two local news station trucks there.  I thought maybe all the ducks were dead and wanted to offer condolences and see if they needed a donation for more ducks or something.  The ducks made me happy in a quiet and graceful way and them being murdered was a shock, simple. That sad feeling of wanting to help but not quite knowing how.  It felt so silly and goofy, but the story really hit me and the car wash WAS on the way...

Long story short.... I ended up on the 11 o'clock evening news.  I got into a conversation with the CBS reporter covering the story (she was editing it at the time) and she ended up interviewing me.  Funny... and yes, I called home and gave my hubby a  chuckle about my homage to the Delta Queen and how I ended up on the evening news for it.  Turns out there is well over $3000 in reward money going to finding the guy who killed "massacred" the ducks.

It sounds so silly since they are ducks.  But that's just it, they're ducks!  What did they ever do to deserve this?  The footage I saw on the news(along with part of my interview) was just so sad.  I'm not all vindictive and "burn him at the steak" about who did this.  I think they really need help of some kind.  Studies show those who commit such atrocities are happy to do so to people too.  But I DO hope he gets picked up soon.

Why do I care so much about these ducks?!?!  The reporter was musing the same.  She said the story was spreading so fast.  She called the Nextel operator to get the address for the Delta Queen in Campbell.  The operator for the cell phone service said "OH!!!  Have you heard about their ducks?!?  Isn't it horrible?!?"

Ducks, the new sacred cow for Campbell, CA.

Last night I had my once a month women's group.  A jewel of a group of women I love hanging with.  Gets to be like family in that we can be very open with each other and sit back and see what response we have earned for our honesty and emotive ways.  Always a good thing.

One of my dearest friends is struggling with secondary infertility.  I don't want to share her story but you can see her blog if you would like.    I let it out last night that I am worried for her health with the treatments she is going through.  I am.  She studies everything thoroughly and weighs the pros/cons at every treatment turn.  She's brilliantly smart,  I just freaked when I found out that it's possible her doc made a mistake with a medication that is not to be triffled with, thus extending her treatment for possibly many many months and requiring other treatment to fix what went wrong.  I said what I needed to say and she was awesome about it.  I will support her as long as we live and breath and after.  Thankfully I wasn't alone in my concerns.  But I WAS the only one ballsy enough to say it!

Ever been the one in the group to speak out thinking you're alone and then have folks agree with you?  Happens to me a lot.  I know I'd be first one voted off any island... no one likes a truthsayer.

The truth is none of us has any right burdening her already busy mind with our concerns.  Honey's full up.  We'll sit at the sidelines holding our banners of support biting our lips and praying for her.

Then today I was out with my two.  At a park Big Boy befriended another Big Boy his age.  The mom and I got to chatting as moms of playful kids do.  We decided (or rather the boys decided) to ride in the same car on Billy Jone's Wildcat Mountain Railroad and Holler "all aboard"... so we got more talk time.  This mom was easily charmed by Baby Girl and had a way of saying how lucky I was to have one of each that I knew she likely had issues getting pregnant with her son.  Sure enough she told me it took her 5 years, obscene amounts of money followed by utter failure and giving up entirely to get pregnant with her son.  After everything ran out and nothing was left... *poof* there he was.  She said they won't have anymore.

I took a deep breath.  Why do we hear so many of these stories? It is no small thing to support a loved one through the journey of infertility.  My dear friend has my back no matter what.  It's beginning to hit me again just how big that "no matter what" is.

The universe puts teachers in our path everyday for the lessons we are meant to hear everyday.  Without fail.  Even when we try to close our eyes, or ignore it.... when the student is ready, the teacher appears.

Last weekend we all headed out for a vacation weekend to Squaw Valley to see a college buddy of mine get hitched.  It was really great and I have about 50 different entries I could write from the conversations I had and what came to mind from the numerous interactions I had with my college crew.  Long story short, we ended up coming home a day early and missing one day of wedding events post-nuptuals... our failing?  Altitude exhaustion, a feisty head cold and a case of food poisoning saw us home.  **big self-sense of humor laugh**

We had planned a good three months for this event in our new family's life.  We would have passing conversations about which one of us will handle which one of the kids when it's bedtime.  We talked about what time of day to leave to avoid traffic but still make it to interesting stops along the way for the kids.  Should we pack food?  what food?  How about toys, books, play pen? DVDs?

Pre-parenthood it would have been a sleep in- stay up late fun weekend.  We'd have some drinks.  We'd sit in a hot tub.  We'd dance at the reception until late.  It would take us five hours to get there.  We'd have had some great rocous quality time together. wink wink wink.

It took us about  nine hours to complete our trip, and we did not hit much traffic.  We had some good diapers.  Some playtime with odd kids at McDonald's play places took time. Old Town Sacramento was crazy hot and I had to take a break and drink some water to get back to the car.  Big Boy needed some talking to in Auburn after acting up at a Marie Callendar's.  Hubby and I didn't share a bed the entire trip.  The first night Hubby fell asleep on the condo's hard wood floor while Big Boy watched a video and I put Baby Girl to sleep.  I told him to go to bed and put Big boy to bed and fell asleep in his room.  The next night I put Big Boy down and had to stay away and Hubby held screaming Baby Girl until she crashed out.  Hubby chased Big Boy much of the time as I carried 25+ Baby Girl much of the time.

But you know what?  My kids made our trip the best ever.  How's that for a parent style upgrade?  Seeing my kids at the parties meeting friends and having fun was something I would not have missed.  The college buddies seemed to like the kids a lot and got some good laughs at their antics.  One of the greatest joys of parenthood is watching a little person experience new stuff for the first time.  The mountains, the scenery, the gondola.  My son kept telling Hubby he wanted to hike up the mountain and without fail he would get twenty yards before turning back around in a breathless half walk-jog.  Baby Girl said "hi" sooo many times, scooting around and flirting and napping in the sling. 

So why did we leave early?  The Hubby and I were beat and couldn't keep up with them anymore.  after a breakfast at a greasy spoon (that caused food poisoning in hubby halfway home..causing our return trip to take a bit longer..... and Big Boy to ask why daddy had to go potty so much) I was chasing our son around as Hubby attempted to clean Baby Girl's face and well... I missed my hubby!  We had spent so much time ensuring the time of the kiddos, I missed him.  The altitude was rough.  Forget about not drinking, simply keeping up with Big Boy was taking a toll.  Carrying Baby girl too.  Milk supply had dropped.  My headcold had reached ULTRA annoying levels of crud.  The thought of staying another day was great in terms of seeing friends, but I didnt' know what would be left to make the trip home.  Uh-huh.... as a parent upgrade, you have to be sure you have not just the energy to get back home, but to also get home safely and unpack the kids and put stuff away.... AND get them to bath/ bed.  I'm glad we came back when we did.

It's now Wednesday and we got home Sunday.  It took me this long to write because  Monday Hubby still was not quite right and I ended up being put on anti-biotics.  Tuesday was catch up day on house stuff and me hanging by a thread.  So voila... today I write... although now it is already TOMORROW!! 

not enough hours in a day... I swear!

Despite Deneb's occasional melancholic diatribe, he  loves what life has to offer.  To see his love of art, food, dance, relationships, technology, literature, nature, a good laugh, an adventure you'd know this to be true.  The man has always been an inspiration.  To see him with someone who makes him so happy makes my heart sing.

As I sat at his reception and the microphone was being passed around to friends to share and give a toast I used my sleeping daughter in my arms as an excuse of why I didn't want to speak just then, despite the best man's urging.  Inside part of me wanted to jump up and share  but the ass stayed glued to the seat.  Maybe I stayed down because as with all of my college friends there was more than just a friendship history there, and I didn't know if it would be appropriate.  It's all soooooo much water under many many bridges, but the old fashioned Ms.  Manners on the shoulder said, "keep your ass down."

When I met Deneb we were freshmen at Oberlin College in Ohio.  I was in tie-dye and jeans, and he had loooong hair and purple suede birkenstocks.  Actually.. most of us had birkenstocks.  It was Oberlin!  yes.. and every CD of Indigo Girls, Pink Floyd, Tracy Chapman, .. . then came Tori Amos,  Sarah Mclaughlin, Phish,  Cranberries.  But Deneb introduced me to S.E. Rogie, Liz Phair, Daniel Johnston, Coctaeu Twins, Pizicato 5, Ani DiFranco and Portishead.  We shared a rare love for Cowboy Junkies.  How he found time to find this stuff, camp out for art rental ( a whole other story), hold impromptu parties in his well decorated dorm room is beyond me.  He had the best artwork in his room,  the best sound system, the best non academic books.  Thank you for the ee. cumings, Deneb. 

Deneb and I share a birthday week.  He was a great person to share a birthday bash with.  He took such great care in making the invitations.  The parties were successful and the memories from these parties are of course sealed in a big metal box in my head (and his too hopefully!!!)  Aw, yes.. the parties. Deneb and Ben dancing to Talking Heads "Sugar on my Tongue".  Deneb in this hilarious fleece jester hat.  Drag Ball was always quite the occasion.  I remember lending Deneb my small black cocktail prom dress and evening gloves.. shoes too, one year.  I don't think he remembers it... then another year I remember him helping me tie and tie.. but I don't remember too much about the actual Drag Ball event because he introduced us all to the lemon drop shot that year...  A few times before leaving for The Ball.

I have to put in a bit about Bessie.  Oh Bessie, may you rest in peace.  That lovely Lincoln Grand Marquis crazily hand painted in every way with every phrase and design that carried us on road trips. I was blessed to have be in Bessie on her final ride.  We drove her back form Cleveland to Oberlin in second gear.... sort of.

I had the pleasure of meeting Jen a bit over a year ago at another Obie's wedding in Ohio.  I have to say I loved her right away.  This is something I don't usually do.  It was immediately apparent how happy she and Deneb were with each other.  Not only that, but she had a way of being immediately part of our shared history.  She helped in everything the wedding party did together and did so with such grace and candor.  We spoke a bit over dinner at the reception and I really enjoyed her company.  When the music started, she and Deneb tore up that rug!  I have pictures.  It's not something said in toasts (why I never gave one)... but I have seen Deneb in a few relationships... but never seen him in one that fit him in a way that made him and the other just....glow!  I mean, these two just glow when they are together!

Jen seems to have the same love of life Deneb has, but with a playful loving quality to balance his more analytical side.

I couldn't be happier for my college buddy and his new bride.  Seeing Deneb get married makes me feel a bit older and more settled for sure.  Ha!  as if my own marriage and children don't! ha ha ha... It brightens the world to see two people who radiate with light  and love.  You go, you all!!  Hope to see more of you!

http://www.whatthebleep.com/

This is a movie that was suggested by my women's group to watch for discussion before our next meeting.  I finally got around to watching it on Tuesday.  It was worth the time to see.  I'll probably watch it again.  The filmmakers managed to find exceedingly eloquent well educated folks to pontificate about quantum physics, the power of thought, the presence of God, neuroscience, the brain... all wrapped around a story of a woman tumbling in the tides of life.

One thing that is interesting to me ... I run into this again and again.. in my studies, reading, life experience.  It just feels like such common sense.  I hate to grossly over simplify it all.  It so often feels like philosophy and truth and academia run in such circles.  Something that makes such perfect sense.. then it gets studied for thousands on man hours, experimented on.  Then voila there we are back at the initial common sense.  But who am I to say this?  I say it's common sense but have nearly flunked every physics class I ever took! ha!

I'd write more, but I have an adventure to prepare for.

We are blessed with great neighbors.  Really we are.  It has taken some time to settle into our townhouse.. longer likely because we've become a family in that time, but tonight in the warm summer evening, I was filled with just so much joy.

I had just come home from running some evening errands and was feeling a bit tired.  I had the garage door open and was putting away things while my son rode his trike and my daughter cooed at him and clapped her hands.  My hubby drove up and our son ran up to his car asking if he could go for a ride.  Hubby opened the back door and kiddo climbed into his booster seat in back and rode into the garage.  It's wonderful to live in a place where we can hang outside in the evening and wait for daddy to come home.

Then our next door neighbors came home.  I hadn't spent time with the mom in a bit and my son was absolutely ecstatic to see her and her daughter (who's 5 and his favorite playmate).  We all chatted and the kids got out their various bikes, trikes, wagons and were running all over.  It is so great to have neighbors like this.

Another neighbor and her daughter joined in the fun (this girl is 3 and my son's other bud).  Oh the antics this little pack came up with.  chasing each other around, talking to our baby.  I actually brought out baby girl's walker and the girls of the hood were leading her around and Hubby got some footage of the pack with our digicam.

As the sun went down and we all took our respective babes into our respective houses.... I was just so happy to live here in our little home.  Hearing the various family noises through the open windows and the cool night air as I put our baby down was heavenly.  It's good to be home.

Last week I called my dad to tell him the latest hilarious antics of his grandson.  He told me at the end of the call "pencil me in for next Tuesday or Wednesday."

I quipped to myself " I will with a big eraser"

Sure enough Tuesday came and went and today I decided to call him JUST IN CASE he was planning on appearing at my doorstep before time to go get my older babe at preschool.    I asked him what his plans were.  he said, " Well, we didn't make plans so we have no plans."  This is not the first time he has been MIA on promises or thoughts of visiting his grandkids.  Yeah, I was pissed.  I said  "ok.  Just wanted to be sure.  I wouldn't want to go out if you were going to show up here and think ' I told her tues or weds!"  He response was a "Well, how about next Tues or Weds."  "yeah, sure. ok. bye bye" was my response.  I hung up and was very very relieved that I didn't tell my son that Poppa would be with me when I picked him up today.  He LOVES his time with Poppa.  But now the attachment is getting a little strained as Poppa seems to arrive when mommy is sick.  They were thick as thieves form the minute that little guy popped out of me and it saddens me to see that go through this rougher patch.

What is the deal?!?!  I would be more than understanding if I have any clue at all as to what is going on up there at the condo in Greenbrae.  Beyond the remodel.  Beyond the bus driving.  Beyond my step-mom's real estate business.  It has now been about a year since my father made a point of wanting to spend time with my kids (and following through with it) and it's upsetting to me.  When we visit his place he spends his time cooking or keeping busy about the house.  Hubby and I try to keep the kids form destroying the place.  He has said numerous times now that next month he should be more available to come down every week or so.  the months keep passing .

Now to give him his due.  He DID come down when I was fresh out of the hospital ( or two days later) after a trip to the ER.  He was a great help.  I just don't want him to appear only when the shit hits the proverbial fan.  I don't expect him to come down every week either.  I just want him to mean what he says about visiting and do it.  It woudl be a bummer to only see him holidays, but that would feel better than "pencil me in" by a mile or so.

While doing my bodywork training, a big topic of discussion throughout was the detox.  When a body is massaged, the muscles release toxins into the blood stream and they are then flushed out of the body.  This partly explains why people can feel sore or thirsty after a session.  Sometimes when a good amount of work is done in succession, a person may even succumb to a minor cold, sweating, body odor or have memories return that have been hiding away for a while.  As our bodies carry the story of our lives... as Carolin Myss says "Our biography becomes our biology"  stirring up the system can knock things loose.  I temd to speak in metaphor, so please bear with me in this one.

I have caught my kids' head cold.  It's not a big deal, really... jsut your run of the mill sinus yucky, drippy, eyes blurry, can't sleep because I can't breath kind of thing.  I have not had regular bodywork since I was in massage school ages ago.. but whenever I catch a bug I know that it is a message being sent to me to check my head or heart or spirit for "where I'm at".  Through many tissues and a looong hot shower to loosen the crud I'm coming to the realization that I have been in an ultra shitty head space.  Prior to getting the cold, that is.  This cold is my detox.  the break down to break through yet again to another phase of evolving.

I constantly agonize over being the mother to my children and wife to husband I want to be.  What purpose does this serve?  Yes it does keep me busy, but it is also a darned good recipe for burnout.  I've been drowning in a world of not enough hours in a day to do all that I would want to do.  Not enough time to spend with each kid and with my husband as I would please.  The house will never been clean, really.  The laundry will never be done.  My children know I adore them beyond reason and that I am here when they need me.  So how about I lay off myself a bit, huh?  maybe the title of this posting should be workaholic stay at home mom.

It's not to place blame, truly it is NOT.  I was raised in an atmosphere that openly mocked women who chose to stay home to raise their kids.  The houswife was actually a costume my sister wore for Halloween one year.  She put on a bathrobe, curlers and mud mask and hit the streets.  In the air was the thought that stay at home moms did so because they were uneducated, didn't wish more for themselves or didn't have the wherewithal or talent to do otherwise.  They were coddled, spoiled, and had the easy life.  They had nothing to be passionate about, and had nothing interesting to say.  But you know what?  one of the best memories of my life is the day I came home in the pouring rain to my babysitter ( I was 5 at the time) who made me some warm soup, got me into dry clothes and put a towel in my hair.  Granted... the reason this is one of my best memories is because I was a latch key kid by the time I was 6 or 7 (divorce and all).  But I digress...

While in the shower steaming myself tonight I asked my deep inner self what is up with all this self-bludgeoning on the mommy-wife front?  What seems to be the resounding answer my spirit gives is this:  I have a need to prove to "working" (har har har!) folks that what i do day in and day out is just as worthy.  That this is hard work that many women run back to "work" to avoid.  Clearly I am my own worste critic on this front.  It's time to re-wire that nerve web if I intend to remain mentally sane or physically healthy.  IT is truly up to me to get out of that vampiric thinking if I want to enjoy this amazing time in my life with my kids.  Fuck that less than crap.  I release from my energetic space all those women who see this as an easy road.

I'm still up now and it is way into the wee hours of the morning.  I dont' want to lie down beause the sinus pressure bugs me.  I must say, the one thing I am looking forward to when i stop nursing is simply the ability to take "the good drugs" when i have a cold... but really, that's about it... little one is still a good nurser with no sign of stopping and she's almost 11 months old wahoo!  I woudl SOOoooo go for some hardcore nyquil-type knock me out cold and wake up feeling like a new person drug right about now.

g-night.

Last night I had a wonderful opportunity (many thanks to my super supportive hubby) to go out and meet up with a friend for a ladies night out.  It was really really great.

No, it was not partying until we dropped or vomited and came home late.  It was a simple meal at bocca di beppo foloowed by the 9:30pm showing of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory at The Pruneyard.  It was so so good.  Home by my usual bedtime, but very refreshed.

I was feeling burned out before catching my kids' head cold.  I get soo caught up in my life as wife and mother I often let my friendships with other women fall away as I try to keep on top of everythign here at home.

When I arrived at the restaurant was introduced to a couple new ladies who were out for the night the first thing I did was sit and breath.  I had to reconnect to what it felt like to be out and only have to be concerned with me.  I wasn't carrying anyone, corralling anyone.  It was glorious.  I was able to have uninterrupted conversation about how my friend was doing; we all know how priceless that is.  We shared stories and laughed and then were of to go see a movie.  At the movie we laughed out loud and snickered and to just be out and seeing a current release was **wow**.

It seems so silly really... It is so simple to get out.  It is not like my hubby or I are chained to the house or cannot afford the help to get out.  Maybe we need to schedule the occasional weeknight night out for ourselves.  Our kiddos have not been put to bed by anyone else yet beyond maybe a grandparent.  But now that little girl is almost 1 and big boy is almost 3... I think it woudl do us some good to get out like I got the chance to get out.

Fabulous!  wonderful.

I went in with big expectations and was even more impressed than I thought I would be.  Bravo.

Johnny Depp never disappoints.