Jessica's Blog

I got a call from a friend today.  It was a life saver.. or a sanity saver.  Thank you universe for putting such wonderful friends along my path.

She has two kids same ages as mine.... yes, she's one of my friends that i was talking about envying.... today in a simple 5 minutes she helped me realize what I need is some self care    STAT!

In our "how are you doing?" chat I was more honest than usual and said I'm wondering if I'm anemic, maybe a little depressed or what, I wasn't sure.  I'm just so tired, did she ever feel just tired?  But moreso than body tired, just mentally exhausted?  Fed-up.  Kind of aggitated and pissed off... that "in my own persona hell" kind of space.  She gave the empathetic chuckle and then we both sighed.  She asked how long I'd been feeling this way etc etc etc.

- Am I getting enough sleep?
--- uh, no.  Baby Girl has been waking up three times a night lately ( at least two weeks now)due to teething or head cold.  I usually get to bed around midnight or one and am up for the day by 8.  Baby girl wakes around 3ish, 6ish and 7.
- Am I  getting some exercise?
-- uh, not lately in terms of that **Ahhhh**** 3 miles runs or hour long hard core yoga classes I miss.  Broken walks with Big boy in trike and Baby Girl in stroller aren't sooooo good on the stress level (ie. stop at the corner!  c'mon c'mon! Here, let me help you get out of that ditch.... don't run into my ankle, that hurts!... no bumping the stroller, please.)  Or the park walk and chase and walk and chase with either Baby Girl in arms, on boob, or in stroller... or in arms while pushing stroller. 
- Am I taking my vitamins and eating right?
-- eating "right"? yes... eating enough? no.  Vitamins? yes.

So I was happy to realize it's likely NOT a counselor I need, but more a trip to the local sporting goods store for a new set of sneakers and a jock bra that won't quit.  Of course that does raise the jogger stroller question... but hey, that's cool.  A jogger stroller costs a lot less than a counselor or **yikes** meds!

I have been missing running a lot lately and mentioned to my sis this weekend that I would really enjoy getting back into it and running the occasional 10K on weekends with babe in jogger stroller etc.  I don't have the time to train for a marathon right now... it takes a lot of time and recovery time I just don't have, but I'm sure I can manage getting up to 10k endurance quickly.  I imagine I'll do another marathon or so in my life... it was really too cool to NOT do again... but I can't see jumping back into mommy duty too well the day after a race like that.

ANYWAY....  I get off the phone,  then I came downstairs and Hubby sent me the url for the GREATEST MOMMY TOY EVER!!  I mean, that thing rivals my Odessey.

So I now see a light at the end of this tunnel.  Yes, finding time will be rough... but I don't see getting more outside help anytime soon.  Childcare at gyms has proven more than once to be FRIGHTENING.  Getting to the pool for lap swim or Master's at 6am just ain't happening.  I'll get better.  I'll feel better soon.

envy:  A feeling of discontent and resentment aroused by and in conjunction with desire for the possessions or qualities of another.

I just pulled that off of dictionary.com.  I think I'm ready to write about this now because I thought I was feeling jealous, but foudn that wasn't really it.  I felt better when I looked up envy.  The difference between the two definitions being a sense of anger and hostility that I don't have that is needed for jealousy.  But yeah, discontent and resntment have been in my head lately.

So.  Yes.  I covet some things my friends have been experiencing lately.  I love them all a bunch, and they know I don't harbor ANY ill will toward them, and I have been open with them about how I've been feeling lately.  I have found that just letting my voice SAY that i envy them makes me feel soooo much better and able to let it go and move on.

I traded babysitter days with a friend earlier this week.  Then I got an e-mail from the same friend asking me to TiVo The O.C. for her because she was heading out of town.  The Babysitter let me know that she and her hubby were heading to Hawaii for the week, and that her two babes were being cared for between the two sets of grandparents.  My first thoguht was : WOW!  Good for them!  Her hubby has quite the rigorous work schedule and she deserves a break with him for sure.  Later in the day as both kids are screaming at me or trying to beat each other up while throwing food,  I'm thinking:  Hubby and I could use the same kind of trip.  So I had to let that out of my space by just telling someone I felt jealous of such a cool trip.  But now I know it's just envy.  admiration.  I covet it like i would someone's new Acura RL.

My Dear Friend spent some well earned time with her family in SoCal last Labor Day weekend.  She blogged at the joys of reading books and sleeping in as the family took on her daughter.  I tell Hubby about this and we both sigh and say "must be nice.....".  Dear Friend and her hubby more than deserve that time to rest and recoup from their busy lives.  I'm envious.

I think I need to spend more time with my friends whose lives are as exhausted and spent as my own.  Envy is ok from  time to time, but it sure can be taxing.  We laugh and laugh and kvetch and laugh some more.  But wait a minute....when I think about it.... all the women I know with a set up like my own are on medication..... gee,..... can there be a connection?  This too shall pass.  Right now I am able to write because Baby Girl is napping and Big Boy is checking out that new "Go Diego Go" tv show... oh tv guilt...(he's home sick from school today) the kitchen is cleaned up, the laundry folded, and the beginnings of a "project" is now to a point I could sit and type madly for 10 minutes.  Being able to just get out these thoughts is truly cathartic and helpful.  Please know this is my online counseling session.

Time to go finish the project of culling out the little baby toys from the mess... since Baby Girl isn't a little baby anymore!

I was eating breakfast and making phonecalls.  I was watching your big brother play and talking to him when it dawned on me that you weren't moving much.  I continued with my routine and listened in and tuned in to you.  You weren't moving.  I drank a glass of cranberry juice ( I rarely do that) and you didn't hop to it or dance like usual.  I was beginning to feel concerned.

A friend called and I mentioned it to her because she was a pregnancy specialist bodyworker.  She encouraged me to call Maria (the midwife).  I did.  I was told to go to Los Gatos Community Hospital for a stress test.

I called Melanie and caught her before she left to take Hannah to swim lessons.  She gladly skipped the lesson so I could drop your brother off with her so I could go get checked out.  I was hoping (praying actually) that I would be told that you were fine, I was fine and to go home and take it easy.  I told Big Boy I would be back in a bit and to be good and have fun with Hannah and Melanie.  Little did I know he would get picked up by your dad about six hours later.  I still feel bad about that.

I hopped into the Sentra and drove to the hospital, having a conversation with you the whole time.  "You there? Hang in there Baby Girl, c'mon little one, give me a kick... give me a roll."  I was beginning to worry, so naturally I just got quiet, breathed deeply and poked and poked and poked at you inside hoping to piss you off enough to kick at me or roll away from me.  You didn't.  I started talking to our guides to make sure you were okay, but knowing that if I was leaving Big Boy with a friend and driving a tad bit quickly to the hospital... you had asked for me to do so.  Thankfully LGCH was only 5 minutes away.

I was in touch with your dad.  I called him at work to tell him I was going in for a stress test, that your brother was in good hands, not to worry, all was fine...probably nothing.. you weren't "due" until Sept. 19th afterall.  He stayed at work, but wanted to know everything.

At the hospital i got all hooked up to machines, I heard your heart thumping away and relaxed a bit...I called your dad and put my cell phone near the machine so he could hear you too.... my blood pressure and everything were good, I wasn't having many contractions (as i had had a couple days before.. oooof!).  The nurses and OB techs were wonderful.  They agreed that you were not moving as much as they would like either.  I took a deep breath and waited for Maria to come in.  She checked on you by a rather vigorous pelvic exam to get you riled up.  As in... poking and poking at your head and shoving at you to wake you up.. but you didn't respond much.  While I recovered from the exam (Oh.My.GOD!) she pulled up a rocking chair and we had a talk.  She agreed you were pretty quiet in there and she had reason to be concerned.  She said she could break my water and see if labor would start and what would happen.  OR Dr. Pollard was coming in in an hour and I could have a cesarean done as soon as she got in.  Dr. Teagle was out of town driving her daughter to college.

Knowing that Maria was concerned was all I needed.  I opted for the cesarean.  I have no regrets.  I had such a hard labor with your big brother and didn't want to be so beat down and then end up in a crash c-section later.  Not to mention I was rather concerned and knew deep down that I needed to get you out.  I really felt like something was up.  Maria said "good" and went to go make the calls and assemble the surgical crew.  I called you dad... he was on his way.  I called Melanie, and she said she pretty much figured you would be arriving, that your brother was doing fine, and not to worry.  I called your grandpa and couldn't find him.  I called your grandma Lisa and couldn't find her.  I had to pull out the big guns because I was about to lose battery power.  I called your GGma Toni.  I told her the good news and put her to task at finding your grandparents so they could get down to the hospital A.S.A.P.  I called your Auntie Tonya to let her know you would be arriving that day and that she could call The Woo-woos and Yoga Moms.  I was nervous and needed to feel their support.

When your dad arrived he had some tears in his eyes, but calmed down as soon as he heard your big strong heartbeat.  Nerves moved to excitement.  I walked into the OR, your dad couldn't come in until I had my epidural , was draped and "ready to go".  Grandma Lisa arrived right before your dad came into the OR.  Poppa was on his way all the way from Santa Rosa.  When they opened me up and got to you, they said "Good Call Momma... the baby is swimming in meconium."  I sighed relief.  While meconium is not a good thing, I knew that I felt a change soon enough and that you would be alright.  Also that I made the right choice in going for the cesarean and saving you the grief of a hard labor on top of swimming in meconium.

They pulled you out, I heard your mighty holler that comes naturally to someone torn from a cozy comfy spot and whose nose and mouth have just been snaked out and plunged.  The nurse brought you over to me and you were so beautiful.. eyes closed, all pink and WARM.  She kinda smooshed you into my face.. I didn't think it nice of her to do that to you.. but was sooo amazed by you.  You were a lot bigger than I thought you would be.  9 pounds 5.7 ounces.  In recovery when you were brought back to me after your bath, shots, weighing and such....you latched on right away and i just couldn't get over you!  So warm, so pink, bright blue eyes, and a hunger I couldn't believe.  You nursed for over an hour... half hour on each side.  You were so ready to hit the ground running.  Amazing.  I couldn't get over you.. and still can't.

It is all still so fresh in my mind.  You had such a great birth, really you did.  We were ready for you, yet surprised.  All I had with me was my purse and a book to read while having you monitored. 

Anyway.  Thanks for coming here in a way that was easy on your momma.  You are fabulous.  One year old.  wow.

Some are blessed with immensely wise elders in their families.  People who serve as the grounding energy to all the wildness and insanity.  In my life there are my grandparents.  No matter how insane or wacky things get... they have a way of bringing me back in and (if we were in the same room.. but usually on the phone) sitting me down and talking sense into me.  I am grateful every day for my grandparents and the rare but never fleeting conversations we have.

My Grandma Eleanor birthed six kids and raised five in ten years time.  She had one miscarriage between her second and third child.  This was at a time when husbands didn't take a big hand in such matters.  She started a career after her first two left for college.  She has since been divorced, reborn and truly independent, the hands down matriarch of the family.  Due to **stuff** we didn't have much of a relationship until I was in my twenties, but I appreciate her so much.  She is one tough lady who will be 80 soon.  She has such common sense and a sense of humor that to have a conversation with her about life issues has never been a mistake.

My Grandma Toni.... wow.... what can I say?  I dont' know if anyone in this world loves me as much as she does.  Or, if they THINK they do.. she will surely set them straight about it.  My grandma Toni taught me how to be a woman and a lady.  And yes, in my mind these are two very different things.  She taught me how to shine up like a new penny.  At a time in my life when it took three people holding me down to get me into a dress and stay in it, she would have a talk with me and next anyone knew.... I would come out of a lavender bath splashed with Jean Nate, in a dress with stockings, paten leather shoes, and my hair PURRRRFECT (thanks to her brushing, curling, combing, spraying and styling).  When I was older, she taught me a bit about the art of flirting.  She would take me to cosmetic counters so I wouldn't learn to do make up the wrong way ie. " Look at all that black SHIT on her eyes!!"  Also... the truth taught to me by Grandma Toni.... It is perfectly fine to be spoiled, but don't you DARE ever ACT IT!!  I would not have made it through my wedding day without her to make sure my dress and such were just right.  That is how she taught me to be a lady. I can talk to my grandma Toni about anything and everything.  She knows when to give me wisdom versus give me her two cents.  She never sugar coats the world for me and never has.  She has never lied to me and I doubt she ever will.  She has taught me to be strong, to not take things personally, to not get mad at hurtful people as that just allows them to enter my space... instead imagine they are like dust... blow them away.  She taught me how to cook.  Not in the sense of "here's a recipe and cook it".. but to watch her in the kitchen was to see the purest embodiment of what it is to make SOUL FOOD... food to feed not just the bodies and mind of those you love, but to put yourself in the right energetic space while cooking so EVERYTHING comes out made with love and beyond words delicious.  She sings while she cooks ( or used to).  She'd be in that Park LaBrea L.A. apartment singing away and the most delicious things would emerge from that tiny kitchen.  She tells me I have always listened to her, but knows that from time to time I need to be reminded to "hear" her on "this one".  She is my fellow Buddhist and fellow Intuitive in the family.  I would be lost in this world without our conversations when life throws me a curb ball.

My Grandpa Ronald.  I wouldn't know where to begin with how amazing he is.  As a kid he would call me "homely""Hoodlum""dummy" so much I figured that was that... but then my senior year in high school, he pulled me aside and told me he thought I was a beautiful woman and he was proud beyond words.... I nearly fell over.  As time has allowed, we have had the best discussions of my life.  arguments like you would not believe about the importance of taking a cause, or about anything political in nature.  I ran a marathon for the American Diabetes Association in his honor... through training he kept telling me I really didn't need to do that... When I finished the race I called him from the finish line and he said that's great, and dont' ever do that again!  The day I brought Big Boy home from the hospital, I asked him and my dad to fix the garbage disposal and instead he installed a new one ( a MUCH better one).  He was always scared to hold my babes when they were newborn, but got brave with Baby Girl when she was 5 weeks old.  He was the catalyst for this blog entry actually.  We had a talk on the phone today.  He likes to tell me I'm stupid... or rather "that is the dumbest idea that's ever come out of your mouth, Kid."  To anything that may be a complaint he says "Well, what did you expect???" and usually laughs.... this all may seem truly "tough love"-ish, but what he is doing is giving me more strength to get through anything.  Whenever we need to leave after a visit, he watches us drive away "to make sure you don't' try to come back".  At airports he will sit at the gate and watch the plane leave "to make sure they dont' screw it up."  I remember seeing him at the gate from my window of a jet plane thinking, "wow... he really loves me to wait this long"  I know if I ever told him that he would say "Baby Girl, you have no idea."  Whenever I say "I Love you, Grandpa."  he says, " Not as much as I love you."  All of my friends and family know that if he should decide to move on from this world,  I will be a mess big time.  If I ever told Grandpa he was wise... he would tell me he was the dumbest man on earth.  He has no idea just what he means to me.

I know not many have grandparents that are still alive... or alive and kicking like mine.  I wish they weren't so far away.  I am grateful they know my kids and that my son talks about his GGmas and GGpa and misses them.  They are proof that age is nothing but a number and that we are only as old as our minds decide to let us be.  I do SOOooo wish seeing them weren't so hard to manage.  While Grandpa gave me a hard time for suggesting I come down with the kids but without Hubby...just so I could come sooner... I don't think he knows how restful it is for me just sitting at the kitchen table with him having coffee in the morning, reading the paper or after dinner talking until late.

I love my grandparents.

Tomorrow is Baby Girl's  birthday.  She's going to be the big 1.  This year has gone by so fast that it is still fresh in my memory how I felt a year ago ( the fact that I have a friend due any second who I see is also a reminder!).  I remember well the pressure and pain deep in my pelvis as she dropped lower and lower.  I remember how I had perfect posture because to slouch would cause her to kick me so hard I'd pop out a rib.  I remember Braxton Hicks contractions that were so bizarre I felt like my legs where being twisted.

It is amazing how our babes are no different on the inside as they are on the outside.  Looking back at how my kids behaved while in utero... there were no surprises personality-wise when they came out.  It was so awesome to see them doing all the same behaviors for the first months of their life.  I would look down at them doing a certain kick, head movement, or stretch and think "ah, THAT'S what you were doing in there!" 

On the inside Baby Girl was a powerhouse of kicks, flutters, and twists I thought would kill me.  At a dinner party I had a sip of cola and she launched into such a show,  eveyone stopped eating and stared for a few minutes.  Not much has changed. She loves an audience.  She is wonderfully determined, active, and yes... STRONG.  Big Boy (while in utero) did these long slow strong stretches and rolls.  It was as if he was doing his best to nuzzle into the "perfect" spot to get the "perfect" rest.  He is quietly observant, ever watchful, with the perfect balance of curiosity and concentration to keep me busy.  He likes to do things in his own certain way and in his own time.

On a spiritual/ psychological level it makes me wonder about the formation of personality.  Ages ago theorists felt personality did not form in a  child until around 4 or 6 years of age.  How naive!  As any mom will tell you, they know their babe long before it ever gets here... even if not its gender.

Hubby took two days off of work added to this luscious three day weekend.  It has been beyond words wonderful to be all together for a few days.  I feel more rested, more together.  It's no small thing to get so much time.  I think the last time was the holidays.  Fuck that sucks.

We took a two day trip to Sacramento to visit family, do Old Sacramento, train museum and State Fair.  The kids barely napped and slept well in the hotel at night.  Hubby and I slept great too... exhaustion is good for that! ha!  I felt like we stepped into another good understanding of parenthood.  More "Go with the Flow" and a lot less trying to get them to sleep.  In other words.. forget about "our time" in the evening because in the end.. we all end up going to sleep at the same time, and waking up at the same time.

Saturday we had a little date time together.... we NEED MORE of that!  I had a margarita (or two) because it had been sooo long, and it tasted sooo good... and found that *by GOD* am I a cheap date and that I don't need to do that again.  While I liked the flavor, I DID NOT like the feeling.  My how that has changed since before kids.

I feel like we got such a great taste of vacation.  The kids are a bit bigger and closer to the same schedule, we had busy and fun days with lots of laughs and not too many tantrums.  A sense of adventure has returned somewhat.

I really want to get away without the kids.  If just for a night and a day.  I want to remember what it is like to sleep in with my husband.  Heck, to just sleep through a night, wake up on our own, get up and dressed, not even sleeping in.  We wouldn't know what to do with ourselves.  It will all come soon enough.  Soon we'll wake up to kids eating breakfast and watching tv... or even we'll wake before our big kids wondering when they'll wake up, knowing we shouldn't bother trying to get them up until after noon.  But right now I want us to have a night and morning off.  For the sake of marital preservation.  We had a talk tonight about missing each other.  In a way.... about how much longer we have to be prepared to continue missing each other.  Basically until the kids start sleeping comfortably in the same room together.

This isn't romantic "oh whoa is me" stuff.  I'm serious.  It is  serious business to consider this aspect of parenthood that does not get enough support, but LOTS of advice books: preserving the marriage around the kids.  Unconditional support and love in spite of both of us being "so done" with being tired.  We're strong with each other, this weekend was so nice and good to get perspective on how hard we work both on and off vacation.  With each month we learn more about what to expect from extended family, from ourselves.

Now to bed to prepare for the week!

I grew up with TV in the background.

Maybe due to being a latch Key kid from the time I was 6.  TV became my babysitter.  It helped keep time, it soothed, it entertained... it was even educational from time to time... even in ways I'm sure my folks would not want to know about.  I would come home from school after riding buses across SF with a key hung on a piece of yarn around my neck and a quarter in my pocket for bus fare.  I wouldn't talk to strangers or make much eye contact.  Other friends who rode the bus got off at their stops a bit before mine... and I had tranfsers.  For a while a freaky guy used to stare at me and follow me and stuff... God that sucked for a 9 year old....The point of going on a bout this is that when I got home and keyed in and locked the door behind me and said hello to the cat... the tv was my company until Mom got home three or so hours later.  3-2-1 Contact, sesame street, Inspector Gadget, Oprah, Donahue, the News.. the NEws and then Mom would come in.  I didn't like aswering the phone much because I had gotten an obscene phonecall when I was about 8 that freaked me out so bad I lived in fear of that happening again.  TV was my babysitter.  My Big Sis enjoyed hanging out with her friends until she absolutely had to come home..so I was on my own a bit.

Before the divorce and move back to S.F when we were in Walnut Creek... I would go out and explore and play  or walk to a friends house to hang out.  I was outside.  BUT if I was inside... the boob tube was on.  usually after dinner to see The Muppet Show.  That was when I knew Dad was due to arrive home in his three piece suit to say hello and laugh with me as I watched Swedish Chef.

Heck, even before that I remember the nursery school workers and even Ms. Adams from my very first memories of life watching All My Children after calling "Naptime" and getting their lunch break while surrounded by kids on little plastic cots.

TV was/is pervasive.  It drains our brains and makes us zone out.  It kills imagination.  It desensitizes us.  It's what we point our furniture at.  I don't want my kids growing up TV heads like I did.  BUT.... I love to read.  I'm an avid Thinker.  I have a big imagination.  I relatively creative.  So I question why it bugs me so.  Clearly Hubby and I are "fine" from the experience and are aware of what the kids see etc etc.

I go through phases of "NO TV TODAY!" and I find Big Boy and Baby Girl find their oys intersting again, and go outside to play more.....BEYOND the usual 2 to 3 HOURS a day we are outside running, playing ball, riding trikes, running errands.  I also find the whole place looks more like a tornado hit it and I am more tired from reffing fights and suggesting games and saying "No tv no tv no tv" all the time.  I use the TV as a babysitter myself.  Thinking about it, I  am quite certain my kids see about an hour of TV a day.  Maybe even two hours.  I gag when I say this.  But which is worse?  Some zonign or being yelled at all the time by a mom who is just "done"?

Do I quit cold turkey?  Do I cover it up?  Do I wean us gently?  Whenever I fight the TV monster funny things happen.  Big Boy goes to visit a friend in the complex and when I arrive.. he's a zombie head sitting on their couch staring at the TV while his friend is playing with toys and ignoring the tv.  It's still a new thing to him in a way.  I used to be adamant about NO TV FOR BIG BOY until I was sooo morning sick while pregnant with Baby Girl something had to give because I COULD NOT actively play with him all the time.  that's when Baby Einstein joined our family.

I'm still up in the air about the television.  I have a friend who basically does not have a TV.  No cable and only one set hidden in a cabinet.  I marvel at that.  I want to know how she spends her day and if we could do it too.

The jury is still out.. but while the Jury is still out We'll go on enjoying Thomas and Friends and the Backyardigans.  Although... I did hear Diego (Dora's cousin the rainforest naturalist) is going to have his own show soon.... hmmm.

We decided (or I wanted to and Hubby thought it fine) to have a big BBQ at a local park to celebrate the kids' birthdays in Sept.  Big Boy will be 3 and Baby Girl will be 1.  We haven't seen so many people in so long.  We miss them.  Moms know how the first year of motherhood is spent getting used to and intensively nurturing the new person in the world.  I need to reconnect with those I have not seen in ages.  In other words... those who either do not have children, those who have children with opposing schedules to our own, or those who spend a majority of their time over 15 miles away.  We even decided to cater in BBQ because we want to spend the time with the friends and the kids.. not desperately keeping the kids away from fire or smoke and tending the food the whole time.  In short.. we are really going all out here to enjoy ourselves with our friends.

I have made my peace in terms of "oh gee, who will actually come?  Who will RSVP??"  Heck... whoever comes will be great, so long as I know so I can throw together the right number of kiddo goody bags.  The RSVP process has been pretty funny so far.  I can tell I'll have lotsof calls to make after the "due" date.  I'm getting funny phonecallsa bout "We're 80% sure at least half of us will make it".  Or, "If we go away this weekend we'll be here next weekend and can come."  or "Well, if I've had the baby I'll be there for a bit, but if in the hospital son and hubby will come..."  Does this upset me?  Nope.... it just makes me laugh at how we are pretty much challenged to lead noncommital lives when babes or pregnancies or pregnancy due dates are involved.

Today as i surfed through yet another day of tidal tantrums from Big Boy and suicidal explorations, pinching, biting, and screaming behavior from Baby Girl a seedier, much more annoying thought came to my mind... "Oh Shit will these age appropriate monsters make it to the party?!?!?"  Forget out through it... will we be fighting an uphill battle of tantrums that so demand our attention we'll be *stuck*?!?!

I took them to the park today at the time the party is scheduled to begin.  Big Boy decided it was the wrong park and was throwing tantrum in the minivan refusing to come out because it was "the wrong park".  I just ignored him to the point of having Baby Girl and diaper bag all packed up and was closing the doors when he decided to change gears and meekly asked, "Let me out, please?".    Baby Girl was nearly asleep or trying to be for about an hour or so.  Big Boy did his playtime routine all over and just needed some supervision.  So I was soothed that it would work.  Baby Girl can be tired and even nap if need be at the park.. not a problem.  Big Boy had his fits about what way to walk on paths, what structures we had to walk to... etc etc... but it seemed ok. 

I'm going to need to call upon the grandparents and auntie to help out that day.  To be truthful balloons and tableclothes don't lay themselves and we will be toting down the cake and drinks to the site ( I want to avoid the $80 car entrance fee OUCH!).  that is all fine, but doing all that with Big Boy and Baby Girl in tow is a bit daunting.  In that I'd use up all my words before the first friend would even get there.  I have a funny image of paying the $80... driving to the site, leaving the kids in the car watching some movei while Hubby and I set up without hindrance... hmmm.... that COULD work....

We are going to be having a wing it and cope with it kind of day.  it's going to be fun. 

I noticed today that the light in the sky is starting to change.  I got so happy.  I love autumn.  I love this in between summer/autumn stuff as well.  I love how fall creeps in.  It gets cooler, the days get a little shorter.. then BAM it's time to get a Halloween costume together.

I'm one of these people that responds to Fall the way MOST of the world responds to spring.  I just get so giddy and excited about it.  I've always felt most alive in the fall.  No surprise both my babes are born in early fall.

It's no longer so hot that being as close to naked as publicly polite is needed.  But it is pretty cool to show off some summer sunned skin without having to shave quite as much.  The mornings have a bit of a chill to them, but the evenings are balmy, sweet, and sensual beyond words.  The days are getting shorter,  and evening breezes have returned.  Sweaters, sweatshirts, jeans HELLO!

My urge to knit is returning, the desire to find books that are more substance and less fluff (But I doooo adore chicklit a LOT). 

I know we've got more hot days to come.  More sunscreen, battling yellow jackets at the park, sandal wearing, air conditioning.  But not for too long!

Oh it feels just so effing great to do!  I mean really.

Many of you know my Buddhist and Eastern influenced life philosophy.    It is a huge aspect as to why I am The Anti-Pack Rat.  Impermanence.  Utility.  the ability to LET GO.  It is healing, cathartic and good for energetics.  Clutter drives me NUTS and it was starting to build up around here.  That on top of the fact that both kiddos are old enough to keep themselves amused in a SAFE way such that Hubby and I are able to clear stuff out quickly.

We had new carpets installed this week and in preparation I needed to clear out everything from the floors of our closets.  All of that stuff went to that infinite space known as the garage... where Hubby could not park for the rest of the week until this was dealt with.

Saturday it just all clicked and it was great.  A wonderful woman I have just recently met and like is doing a triathlon for Leukemia... yeah, team in training.  Sandy  (who has a blog on her training) is having a garage sale, and all the items are donated and all the proceeds go to her commitment for the tri.  I thought this was really cool, and wanted to give her support without losing cash flow.    We filled up her minivan.  Then a pregnant friend stopped by and picked up a BUNCH of baby boy stuff.  We cleaned out our office/wardrobe/ catchall.  I organized two more bags of too small for baby girl clothes.  We had a trip to the dump.    Hard work. good work.

It freed up the chi!  I feel like I can breathe again.  On an energetic level it felt like regaining the house from a static that comes with too much *stuff*.  I am looking forward to boxing up the now not needed so much NUMEROUS rattles and baby books and such, while not rushing baby Girl out of using them. 

I do have a special box though.  A box that holds the outfits my babes wore home from the hospital.  their first shoes, and articles of clothing that just scream "Remember how I LOVED this?!?  Things I imagine I'll dump on them like my mom dumped a couple boxes on me recently.  I have no doubt that this box will multiply many times over in the years to come.  Boxes we know nothing about but open from time to time and get transported back to loooong forgotten memories.  But maybe I will hold tight to these boxes I'm starting now... so I can transport myself to remembering when my babes fit easily in one arm for carrying.  When they had shoes so tiny, smelled so sweet.  Who knows.. in their teenage years I may keep these boxes in the master bedroom so Hubby and I can look at them each night and keep our heads straight.  The Bjorn and the sling alone would do it, really.

Big Boy is going to be 3 next month and the attitude is mounting quite beautifully.  In response... or reaction.. I find my self getting short with him.  No, not short.. that is not the right thing to say but I DOOoooo find myself saying the following types of things:

*  NOW means now.... not later.. c'mon c'mon little guy!
*  Are you listening to me?  shake your head if you are!
*  we do NOT do that here!
*  Ok... I need you here by the count of three or we have to leave!
* what did you DO?!?!?

oh yes..... I sound like a Bill Cosby recording.... "C'mere!  COMMMME  here!... here!  here!  cooommmmmmmeee heeeerrreee!"

then there's :
*Remember  this... that when you do *blank*, *blank* happens and you don't LIKE *blank*!!
* That was NOT a good choice (oof I hate it when that flies out)
* absolute quiet as I count to ten in my head and breathe deeply.... oddly enough.. THIS gets the biggest response.
* Look at me... LOOK AT ME!
* I don't think so, kiddo... now get back here!

I talk to friends about feeling like a crappy mom when I get impatient or when this stuff flies out and wonder if they ever feel bad.  You know what the response has been so far?

"EVERY DAY!!"

One says she beats herself over not being emotionally available to her kid when she gives up and says "ok... if you need to go on like that, do it in your room."

Another says "everyday" then puts our phone chat on hold as she hollers "I'll believe it when I see it! Now go Pee!!"  ha ha ha

We are not  bad, we are not nasty moms, uneducated moms, abusive moms.... we are simply moms trying to make it.  We need to not beat ourselves up for it!  Heck, who else will do our job?  Who else could love it more than we do, even on a really bad day? witness my last entry.

Girlfriends with kids help keep my world spinning with laughter at our own evolution as mothers, that is for sure! 

What Mommy things do you say?

We went to the beach on Tuesday to meet up with the playgroup.  I went with my dear friend and her daughter (they piled in with mine into our Odessey and we carpooled).  It was great.  Great in the three moms  with five kids kind of fun. ha ha ha muah ah ah.    There were more moms we were meant to meet up with, including Pot Stirrer XL, but never saw them.  PSXL dropped with twins (one whose name she's decided she doesn't like and will dish out a few hundred bucks to change) with her mom so she can just be with her older one (must be nice).  I admittedly felt protective of my dear friend.  I was looking forward to adventure, NOT looking forward to feeling "tension"  AT ALL.  But you know what??? The Divine works in mysterious ways.

We went to Manresa State Beach.  A lovely CA beach with mucho mucho stairs leading down to it.  about 5 stories worth, and I'm not exaggerating... folks around here know what I mean.  As we were herding the pack oh toddlers and two babes down to the beach, a pod of dolphins was just off the shore; about four seals were in the breakers with the surfers, it was totally overcast and cool.  SUCH a Northern California summer beach day.  We were awstruck.  It is no small task pointing our a dolphin pod to a toddler's eyesight! 

Big Boy seemed shy of the water while his gal pals were up to their knees (we have to mind the undertoe).  He decided to take the plunge and got all wet.  He did not want to be wet.  He did not want to be sandy.  He wanted to be naked.  But once he was naked he decided nothing would do but going to the car and getting clean fresh clothes.  As in, " No Momma, I NEEEED to go to the car!  I NNEEEED to go to the Odessey to get my clean dry clothes!  Right NOW Momma, right nooooowww!"  Those with three year olds know that there is no negotiating this.  the towel wrap and clean diaper didn't work because "IT'S SAAANNDYYY!!!!".  So **Thank GOD for dear friend** she took Baby Girl in the sling while I hoisted Big Boy (near 40 pounds of him) back up the five flights of stairs up the cliff. But then I took a wrong turn and ended up hiking through the campground before getting back to the car.  All the while Big Boy is telling me he needs clean dry clothes.  While standing in the parking lot getting dressed he's telling me he needs his sandals back but they are on the beach.  Now..... it is amazing how stating the obvious in times of stress can really make me want to lose my mind all together.  But I didn't.

We made it back to the beach in time for lunch.  Baby Girl leapt back into my arms to nurse and crash out.  Yellow jackets came to join us in our repas.  Big Boy decided to throw sand at them.  Sand went down the back of my pants... giving me a lovely exfoliating scrub on the hike back to the care later (yeow!).  Then he had  to fling his hands at them.  That's all fine, but his hands were holding a spoon full of yummy applesauce... which got all over his clean dry clothes... which (you guessed it) were no longer clean or dry... which attracted more yellow jackets.    *sigh*  So I got the spoon from him and he hid under a towel shrieking for a bit before he started screaming that he wanted to go home, he missed his cats, he wanted to go see Max and cuddle Max.  baby Girl slept through all of this.  Amazing.  I just held him and hummed and told him it was going to be ok... clearly he was beyond "done".  Inside I had sooooo had it with the tantrums that day.  Outside I just used my soothy voice and prayed to make it through.  Thankfully it was really time for everyone to go home...

He walked up the stairs on his own the second time.... and I carried Baby girl (about 26 pounds), lunch bag, diaper bag, sand toy bag, and Big Boys hand.  He proudly carried his own towel around his neck.  Dear Friend and I got the kids changed, packed, buckled, and ready to go in the van, did a high five and hit the road back home.

It really was a great trip.  I really enjoyed having the time with friends.  Despite our misadventure and Big Boy's tempermental day... it was quite nice.  The kicker was that as we were driving out to the highway... we passed a sign for "Manresa State Beach" that was not the same beach we were on!  Turns out THAT was were the other three moms showed up.  We were not meant to see psxl that day.  I was grateful.  We had a wonderful day and I was grateful.  Dear friend and I got such a laugh about it.

Since we bought this little town home I lovingly call our "foot in the door of home ownership" we have:

*installed low voltage wiring for ethernet and satellite (2 cat 5 and 2 rg6 to every room)
*replaced every appliance including the furnace and installed air conditioning
*added cans for lighting, replace fixtures with energy efficient bulbs, installed X10 all over
*by the end of the day tomorrow we will have replaced all of the flooring (pergo downstairs, new carpet upstairs, new tile in the downstairs half bath, new vinyl in the upstairs bath)
*new countertops in kitchen (corian from nasty tile)
*redone the backyard, but probably will again (ug)
* painted the interior at least once
*installed water softener and drinking water filter system
* had shutters installed in the loft Master Bedroom half wall.
*oh yeah.. the security system...

I'm sure there';s stuff I'm forgetting.  and yes anything that can lawfully be done on our own, we've done on our own.... ala SWEAT EQUITY.  Oh yea.. and had 2 kids too.

we have a downstairs half bath remodel underway.

Yes, we did buy it knowing it needed some loving care... and it's payed off well as an investment.

We are sooo going to stay here at least another 2 years!  We've put way too much into this place to give it up right when we get it to where we like it quite a bit (not to mention the cool neighbors).  I hear the schools are good, but have to admit, I haven't done the research.

Will we really spend a lot more time in this little 2 bedroom townhouse?  Who knows.  I know I'd like a guest room and an office for Hubby, a two car garage.. the kids to have their own rooms...a yard? but I dunno.  This place is cozy.  And honestly... if we're going to swing me being home this is where we need to be to do it.  The only way we could afford our dream house is if we moved to the midwest.  not ready to do that just yet.

I just got home from seeing The Aristocrats.

My face hurts from laughing so much.  Really.  Off the hook funny funny stuff.  Horrible.  vulgar, wretched stuff!  But that is the true beauty of comedy.  The ability to bring laughter out of such a horrible story and such bad language is brilliant.

Beyond the vulgar language and ways to make me laugh myself blue at the numerous renditions of the same joke, it was a nice documentary.  A study on the art of comedy.  Comedy being the "singer and not the song" as Penn says.  A lot more came out of the interviews with the actors/producers/ writers/ comedians than just the joke.  I've always had respect for comedians, but some of these guys are more like historians in the art of comedic theater and vaudeville. 

Did anyone go too far??  not really and that is the interesting thing about comedy.  I was really surprised.. initally pleased and then just kind of NOT amused by Bob Sagit (Full House dad guy)... my GOD did he take the joke to places that were just off the beaten path. 

Oooof. tired.  I'd go on and on.. but my philosopher brain is tired too!

I gotta tell my pops to go see the movie.. he'd get a kick out of it.

I had some trouble winding down last night.  Mostly because the kiddos did too.  I stayed up really late watching a TiVoed So You Think You Can Dance?  Baby Girl woke at 3 and ended up in bed with us. Then Big Boy woke at 4 and I ended up falling asleep ( a bit) with him in his room... him waking every hour or so to tell me he wanted to talk to me about something unti about 8 when I gave up.  Aw well...They are asleep now!! yay!

I was curious about So You Think You Can Dance, and actually quite enjoyed my late night brain buzzing self.  This was not your usual annoying audience roaring thing.

Well.... some of the dancers weren't totally enthralling... BUT, it did make me miss my silly goofy ballroom dancing days with Hubby before it started getting more advanced and he said "I just... It's just...I don't want to go anymore."

But I digress :-)

I admire folks who can dance well in front of an audience.  I really do.  And these kids (well, some our "my age") change genres and training and partners and still do it looking like it is nothing new to them.  That is cool.  Not like the three months of the same routine to be shown at recital stuff I'm used to seeing.    Or the broadway musical chorus line stuff.  It is kind of nice to know at least I have a late night.. brain dead...need to unwind and see somethign entertaining show now.  Afterall, Dead Like Me keeps me busy on Hubby's SOCOM nights.

In this age of messed up TV where idiots end FABULOUS shows like Six Feet Under and Carnivale... it's an ok show.  But really!  WHY WHY WHYYYYYY did they kill of Carnivale???  Oh how I loved that show.  Mystical, magical, hard core dirty, sexy, thoughtful....scary.  If it were a book I'd read it again because I was not done getting to know and enjoy the characters!  I think I'm going to feel equally crappy when Six Feet Under is dead (har har har).  Deadwood sucks.. Rome doesn't have me interested at all.... Why lose thought evoking interesting characters and replace them with violence violence violence??  I have nothing against it (violence)... but I NEED (like my coffee in the morning!!) really complex interesting characters that sound educated and somewhat tormented by their own intelligence having human conversation and experience!

Hey.... I've told juuust enough people about my blog so i can ask a question adn request a comment.  What TV show do you honestly enjoy and dislike missing out on?  Do they still exist?  I'm curious because (not that I have much time to zone to the boob tube)  What shows do YOU watch?  or rather TiVo and watch when you actually want to see them?

off to enjoy my Friday night. ciao!