Jessica's Blog

Duarzazale to Tan tan.  Some of these drives have only had 2 hours of sleep.  Dozens have already dropped out.

motorbikes:  These poor guys always have to start in pre-dawn below freezig tempuratures.  I can't imagine how that must feel trying to get going and feeling limber and ready on the bike.

Isidre Esteve Pujol ( winner yesterday) had reaer brake issues.  Now, that is scary... hauling ass through the desert at about 100 kph with brake issues.  He came in third today and third overall...I guess he was the only one NOT to get super lost yesterday.  But you know what he did to fix it?  He was whacking away at some wrech with a hammer on the back wheel.

What is KTM?  Anyone know?  Is it a kid of motorbike?  I dont' do motorcycles.

Nasser Al Attiyah.... poor sucker!  Not only did he destroy his Beemer, BUT got a time penalty for having his car towed to the finish line!  I didn't get that concept until Hubby told me "the idea is to FIX it on the road no matter what."  Thanks, love...  So on TOP of the time penatly... he lost 4 hours.  So no sleep, and a stressful day tomorrow.

Mark Miller in the toureg.... yummy yummy touregs.  I know now that the mitsubishi are the big rally car winners... Hubby says we can watch more international rally to see it... but touregs LOOK so much better winning.. not as bunched up in styling.  Woman's thought there.

I'm laughing because the trucks are starting to look like something out of Road Warrior.  Also I like the adds run during Dakar... all Hummer  and Encyte.  heh heh heh

yesterday there were more issues with getting lost in navigation.

Some amazingly bad crashes leading to impossible repair situations!  the Spanish team had to spend hours with a hammer bashing the metal back to do repairs to move on.

Race is over for Honda.  They tore up their car someting awful.

It is so cool to see these rally racers with these hard core cars propped up on their own tires and wheels.

So today it was 400 miles on sand dunes.

the Best motorcycle time was just a touch over 4 hours.  Go Spain (Pujol).  Not so amazing to see them today. 

In the cars, Matsuoka had two front roll tumbles and lost the back of the car!  But only lost 20 minutes on the winning time.  Matsuoka has won Dakar two years running.  But had to pull out today!  Bummer, he is a joy to watch.  His technicians said no more.

Why do I like watching the Touregs so much?  They do well, not winners, far from losers, but they look darned good hauling over all the different obstacles.. 

Robby Gordon's (USA) Hummer landed him in 69th overall....gotta say.... the Hummers are not doing well in the terrain that they were supposedly built for.  There was sad footage of the guy under the axle working on the car... coming in 4 hours late to the checkpoint.

In the trucks there were some amazing shows of help from the locals in the dunes.  About a half dozen men in turbins and caftans shoveling under wheels of this massive stuck truck while the driver looks on.

I'm so enjoying watching this race.  There was some great footage of motorcycles buzzing through a village marked by palm trees and a woman pumping water at a well.  The dunes, the people, the speed.  it's cool.

Okay.. I am about let off a lot of steam here.  I am going to use strong language, swearing, accusatory and judgemental language.  Why?  Because this is where I am at right now, and it is clear no one really reads this blog, so I can go off and be honest in a BRUTAL way.

I mentioned before that a teacher at Big Boy's school was arrested about a week ago on charges of possessing and dispersing child pornography.  It was a shock.  I got a call from the school director (who I have a really good raport with).  I have blogged before about the time I spend there, that I know my son has been safe.

Well.... guess what mushroom cloud has come to land?  You guessed it.  Big Boy and one friend of his are the ONLY FUCKING KIDS in my group of mom friends to return to school today... maybe the only ones who WILL return.  I am surprised.  I would have bet money that two of them would not return... but the others really are a surprise.  I am in a whirlwind of seeing just what my friends do when something like this occurs.  I'm having trouble finding the words to say this... but is it street smarts, trust in the universe, understanding of probability or human nature that it lacking.. I dunno.

I honestly do feel these moms need to feel "safe" about the school they send their kids to.  I do not think they should bring their kids back to school if they don't trust the school.  I am hearing some logic that baffles my mind.  Clearly if they are having these "mental muddles" over this issue.. they don't feel right about it.  But it seems instead of "trusting their gut" they are .. Here's the harshest sentence..... I feel people are looking for things to get outraged about, instead of just deciding it's too much and pulling their kid.. or deciding the school is safer now and moving on.  there is a lot of dirt digging going on, and it is toxic.

There is A LOT of calling of the official investigator to get "more information".  It has been established by these friends that they know their kids were safe at school, and they have had no concerns about that at all.  But that is not enough.  "More information" means an inventory of the exact nature of the child pornography.  The ages of the children involved.  was it "a lot" of stuff or just "some" stuff.  I am using the quotations because... does it matter how much or how little?!?!?! clearly enough to get arrested for, what more do you need??  It takes A LOT of stuff to get arrested and a lot of proof to arrest.  It was bad... doesn't matter HOW bad?  The teacher has been dismissed, will not return, and is facing charges.  It. is. bad.

There is a lot of analysis of each news article written on this grewsome topic.  Through this practice.. it is found there are a lot of different numbers being thrown around about age, number of articles....amount of stuff on a computer.  Why weren't the directors more outraged???  Why didn't they separate themselves more thoroughly from this teacher?  Harshness here:  Yeah, I guess they could have said " we always knew he was a bomb about to go offf... send him to hell!!!"    All parents agree the school did do "due diligence" in the hiring process and got screwed, but I guess that's not enough.

Now, here is the part that REALLY has me fuming.  I think it has me fuming because I have worked with kids for years and years and have PITY, I tell you PITY on any man in this field.  Yup folks, if you have a penis, you are not trusted around children.  Many say they "always" had issues with a man working at a preschool.  Oh, I get so fucking mad even typing that.  How far have we come as people?  I guess not far.  I guess, here in Silicon Valley, the mecca of forward thinking, advanced women in the workplace, where the color of your skin matters not but your conduct does... we STILL feel all men who show interest in children MUST be sickos.  Parents say they told themselves to be open to the thought of a male teacher, but were never very comfortable with it.. and were ok because he wasn't their kid's teacher.  Shaking mad.  How sexist (or racist?) are you?  Are we not telling boys that they aren't supposed to raise children if we won't let men be a part of our kids life in the early childhood education?  Then there's questions about the director's father being the office assistant at the school... should he be there?!?!  **deep breath**  here's the deal folks:  women are just as likely to molest or inappropriately touch a child as a man.... if anything they get away with it MORE because... who would suspect a woman to do that?!?!  Of the teenagers I have worked with... it was really half and half who got violated by a man or woman.

Now, understandibly... dear friend feels a parent participation school is safer.  But, you know what?  The teacher arrested workd for 5 or 7 years at a parent participation school BEFORE going to the preschool.  He was working with parents with their kids.

OK.... vehement, accusatory, nasty namecalling Jess is starting to calm down now.

Am I saying that no matter what a parent does, no matter where a parent sends their child for school or childcare... someone who lusts for children will likely be there?  Yes, yes indeed.  That IS what I am saying.  Does this mean I don't care?  Couldn't be farther from the truth!  I think I have accepted this reality since I was a kid myself growing up in SF and losing male teachers to accusations.  The only way to keep children truly safe is to never let them out of our womb, or your house.  Life is dangerous.  We teach, we do everything we can.  Every time our kids are out of our site is a leap of fatih.  We just need to pray that we are strong enough to handle what may happen.  Am I saying it doesn't matter how much child porn this teacher had matters?  yes, yes indeed... that is what I am saying.  Clearly it was enough for law enforcement.. it's enough for me; and I TRUST it will be handled by them best.  Am I saying it doesn't matter the ages of the children in the porn?  Yes, that is what I am saying.  Child porn is child porn.. enough for law enforcement to arrest over, and again, I leave the job to them now.

I am saying that this man has been arrested.. I think released too... and will likely be facing charges.  I am saying he was caught, is being kept track of, and is no longer in contact with our children.  I am saying our school is safer NOW than it has ever been while our children have attended it. 

For a bit today I wondered if I was off my rocker for being so trusting of the school when women I love and trust are not.  All I had to do was talk to my dad.  He let me know he was damned proud of me for not freaking out and for keeping Big Boy at the school.  I imagine also for admitting I liked this teacher, enjoyed working with him with the kids and had no idea he had this secret.  I am no doubt an outsider of the group now.  I hear there are plans to all meet up on Friday since their kids won't be at school anyway and it will give them a chance to compare notes.  Notes for what?  a lawsuit?  arresting the directors for not being psychic... notes to compare the horror that is child pornography?  Yikes.  Hopefully they will keep a distance from the babes while talking about porn and pedophilia.  I see some lonesome days coming along as they either decide I must be a freak for not freaking out, or decide I'm not one to relate to because I'm not freaking out.  Most had been gunnysacking issues with the school for a time, or were wondering a bout a more cookie cutter academic education...go for it. 

I mourn our kids playing together at school, as I was there a lot to see them develop preschool relationships and already Big Boy is missing his friends who won't be returning.  It sucks.

I dont' watch sports.  I don't know baseball, football, soccer, yadda yadda yadda.  I think it's because I like to go to live games if I'm goig to watch.. and well.. that just isn't a priority now.

But you know what I like?

Watching Dakar.  15 days.  Motorcycles, cars and trucks racing through Europe and Northern Africa.  This year... (Yes, I think this is the third time I've watched) they aren't allowed to use navigation systems!  and yes, they are getting "lost" out there in the desert.  The Americans are doing alright... but man, what they have done to those Hummers is just odd.  The motorcycles scare me the most, just so so fast flying off of bluffs and stuff.  The trucks are just massive and bullish.

Sometimes they have to change the routes due to "bandits" camping out to hijack them!

It's so adventurous and so cool.  This year there is a twist.  The trucks have to care for the cars of the same team.  So it's more of a team sport.  But who wants to wait up for the trucks to show to get back in the game?

fun to see.

I don't have a lot to say these days when it comes to Grandpa.  I don't cry so much anymore.  I call about every third day to see how grandma ad Grandpa are doing.

Grandma is amazing.  I have not known a woman so strong in my whole life.  She is driving all over the place, pushing Grandpa in a wheelchair all over the hospital and now she is helping him with his bath.  She's doing it because it needs to be done.  She logs his blood sugar (if it goes above a certain point she has to take him to the ER).  She logs his tempurature (if it goes above 100.3 she is to report to the ER).  She logs his weight ( as of today he is now 132....now, THAT makes my eyes well up... he was allways at least in the 180s or so when I was younger).  She finds all the different foods that he might possibly tolerate and eat.  She. is. beyond words incredible.

It used to be and was a little bit in the very beginning of this voyage... I got a sense of Grandma needing help.  Now I get the sense that while visits are appreciated.. she has got this down, thank you!  "This sister is tired" she says, "Jessica, you should see me, I am driving all over this desert... you should see me!" Grandma didn't drive for about 20 years.  She had panic attacks in that LA traffic, I think.  She got her licence again just a few years ago.. and is now the principle driver.  Sink or swim, adapt or die.. this woman is kicking ass, I beg your pardon!

Grandpa isn't talking.  At least on the phone.  Grandpa isn't walking.  Grandpa is needing help to bathe.  Grandpa is taking oxygen and that is making him feel better.  I think if I spoke with him, I'd feel great while on the phone and fall apart once off the phone.  I so want to be able to be there.  It's a damned good thing I'm hunting down a house and wrangling a toddler and preschooler all day or I'd get obsessive about missing him.  Mom and Dad are going down there day after tomorrow.  They cancelled their trip to Hawaii and are going to spend time with The Folks instead.  That's a good thing.

I don't get it.  He's getting smaller and weaker and smaller and weaker... and we're told he's doing better.  The tumors are not growing.  The platelets look "good".  So.... when will we see that he's doing better?  When will he breathe better?  When will he gain a pound or two instead of shrink despite all the foods and gainer shakes?  I wish I could see him with my own two eyes and hug him and give him kisses.  I wish I could tell by looking in his eyes how hard he's fighting to stay, or if he'e trying to accept leaving?  That's the first I've typed that. 

I've never been so close to cancer before.  I don't know how this beast works.  How far down the rabbit hole will my family ride with this before coming back up again?

A good friend of mine had her first baby this last week. 

I don't want to get into detail or sex of child or anything, as that's private information, and I want to respect this new family.

She was AMAZING!  Her birth story wasn't an easy one.

My eyes welled up a bit when I went to visit her in her hospital room.  It was amazing to see the instant change from pregnant woman to mother.  Holding someone so precious and new to the world.  She looked so grounded in such an ungrounded time.  She had so much to say about this new person.  How they wanted to be held, the intricacies of their teeny tiny body.  It's amazing.  It's all so amazing.

She's amazing.

Here's to you Hillary.  Welcome to the club.  your card will be arriving shortly.  heh heh heh

A lot going on all at once.  That's just the way, isn't it? When it rains, it pours?  Luckily it doesn't feel so much like I'm drowning.  I may have just learned how to surf this wave, swim in this new sea of my life.

We have had some good time together as a family this past week.  Lots of house hunting.  Thankfully some good babysitter time allowing Hubby and I to do some said househunting or paperwork without the two kids in tow... also some date time.  No movies this holiday season.  We don't enjoy crowds and Hubby has no desire to see a love story about two cowboys (BUT I DO!!!).

Speaking of who we love and adore.  I love Big boy's school.  Big Boy's school is now surfing a wave of turmoil.  It's bad.    I'm not going to provide links, or feed a nasty fire.  One of the school's teachers has been arrested for possible possession of and selling of child pornography.  I know, I know.  No, I have no intention of pulling Big Boy from the school.  If anything, my heart goes out to them as they call each family and tell them the news and get a barrage of accusations and spite.  I have been helping out at the school two hours a week for the last three months or so and have worked with this teacher a bit.  I had no intuitive hits.  The layout and schedule of the school doesn't allow for any strange business at all.  There is no private corner or dark room.  It is a shock, gotta say.

But you know what I worry about?  I worry about parents overreacting, feeding off each other's worst fears, and continuing a spread of panic or misinformation.  The school took all of the steps they could have to check this teacher's background before working with him.  This is just something that is horrendous and just happens.  I don't think it matters the age of said child porn or naturalist pics or whatever.  I do know it isn't easy to pin someone for this.

Okay, enough of that.

Other things I love:  Grandpa is making a turn it seems!

After another cat scan, nuclear scan and chest x-ray.  The tumors have not grown further.  The blood work is good. He has decided to take the oxygen therapy and had his first good night of sleep in over a month. 

Those who think prayers, positive thought, and meditation don't really have an effect.... well... ya ain't been there!  When i heard this word I just had to do a happy dance and give a yahoo. 

He is still miserable and STILL losing weight.  He's now 137.  He was so weak going to these tests that he actually was in a wheelchair all day.  This from the man who refused such care before.  The road continues.  I feel I've made a good level of peace with my grandpa's illness.  That was what the flu was about... making me take the time.

that's about all I manage to put into type.

We are going to sell our townhouse and move on.  It's just time.  I can't think of a better time to beg for a distraction from my Grandpa's illness.  He's not doing so well.  So this is a positively charged endeavor.  I have a great team for house hunting.  I can go on.  But that's not what this blog entry is meant to be about.

We have gotten a storage unit.  We have cleaned out closets for show.  We have cleaned, thrown out the old and busted stuff **again**.  We are freeing up the chi and returnign harmony to our ever crowded house.

We came across a jewel in the cleaning up: the digital tape of our wedding!!!

Last night hubby had it on his computer and we watched it.  It was amazing and funny and heartwarming and a little sad.  I never had camcorders in my life growing up.  So the whole prospect of looking at life gone by in such a vivid way is still strange and haunting to me.

On the pure physical level it made me laugh. I was a good 20 pounds heavier... hair short...so cute and chubby and young, but still so me.  Hubby was so cute too. Lanky with a *big smile* six pack. We were 25/26.  Seems so wet behind the ears now!  We were so serious.  I get ow in such ar eal way why our parents had such tears at the end of the ceremony.  Their babies moving taking a right of passage.

The footage had some beautiful ghosts in it.  Great Grandma Ressa so peppy and petite.  She was so sweet that day.  So warm and full of grace.  She was 90 or 91 at the time.  She has since passed on.  To see her moving and talking and holding hands was a hit.  Grandpa Ogden was still walking and stout and able to speak, say grace. He blessed our marriage, aksed for a fruitful marriage right quick.  He died a year and a half ago after long painful slow decline due to a form of Parkinson's dementia that robbed him of every last bit of dignity.  There he was smiling, making jokes, walking with a cane and joking about it.  Then there were Toby and Buckley.... our ushers.. the family dogs in tuxedo collars at the reception.  Both pups are no longer with us.  So sweet and soulful and wondering what all was going on at their house that day... why they were "dressed up".  Toby getting pets from my best man... Buckley sniffing at the camera lense in his inquisitive and comical way.

Grandpa Ronald wasn't seen too much on camera... but he was so big and strong.  Big belly... strong handshake and smile.  Hubby and I were both so quiet and heavy when he came on the screen.  At our last phone update.. Grandpa is still losing weight despite the eating more some days, meds, and chemo... blood sugar spikes taking them to the ER... some days he doesn't speak, get out of bed, or eat.  He now weighs 142.  A gross difference from the 180+ frame in our wedding video.

As Hubby and I watched our ceremony and how I almost kissed him too soon and couldn't take my eyes off of him... I looked at him.  I love him more today than I did the day I married him.  I have greater comfort, understanding, patience, love, and dare I say passion than I did on that day.  He is wonderful.  He is so amazing in my eyes.  It was looking at our wedding day... a day I would not change one bit.. that made me realize how much we have held to our vows and grown with them and grown together.  We've had two beautiful babies, lived in three different places.  Had a few different jobs between us.  It's gone by so fast!  We joke about renewing our vows in a "bigger" ceremony than our first ( it was close family only) at 10 yrs.  We laughed and agreed that if the next 4 years go by as fast as the last (almost) 6.. we better start planning!

He is such an amazing man, Hubby is.  We really are perfect for each other.  I love him so much.  When I fell in love with him, it was because I couldn't imagine spending my life in any other way.  we continue to grow with each other.  We continue to laugh with/AT each other.  He brings me so much joy in so many ways.

Here's to you, Love.. you are the BEST.

Also love goes out to Great Gramma Ressa, Grandpa Ogden, Buckley and Toby... wherever you are at this time.  You brought such happiness to us that day... we miss you!

This is a term that found its way out of my mouth tonight at my monthly women's group meeting.

not willing to invest in anything wholy.  Not ambivalent, but been burned before.  Not nervous, numb.  Just... in limbo.

Not finding words,  Not making it to gatherings.  Flaking, but explaining why.  I sense that my friends all know where I'm at and understand to a good extent.

I'm creeping out of this cold just fine.  I still sound gross when I laugh.. which leads to a raspy grody cough.  I have trouble in the evenings with "goop".  Hubby is much much better, Big Boy is ready for school tomorrow, and Baby Girl has taught herself how to blow her nose, thus making cleanup a snap.  yes, people.. we are almost presentable to the world again.

I look at the month ahead and I just don't know what to expect.  Not in terms of my schedule.  i have long been a more pragmatically minded woman.. but I just have no idea what january 2006 holds for me in terms of travel, heart song or heartache... I have  a much greater sense of just doing what I can with plans and thinking "yeah.. it will be nice to make that...." but who knows if I will.

The silk turtlenecks i sent to Grandpa got there today.  Grandpa was not talking today, but Grandma relayed that he gave a thumbs up and an "ok" sign with his hands.  I smiled at a job "well done".  I could just see his hands.  doing those gestures.  Soft medium length fingers with strong well kept nails.. nails I always thought a little too long for my taste.... giving a thumbs up and an ok.  wamr sun-freckled hands and forearms.. thin skin, but always warn hands.  Grandma says it takes a lot of work to talk when it's hard to breathe.  I imagine he doesn't want me to hear his voice as it is right now... lest I just show up at his door uninvited, unannounced.  Grandpa didn't want to/ couldn't talk to me.  how 'bout that.

Next week he starts chemo.  The two doctors spoke and decided the trial drugs too risky, and the added meds too risky... so he will begin straight chemo next week.. starting with healthy doses of steroids.

At my women's group tonight I pulled the eight of cups in tarot.  The basis of this card is: broken heart, failed endeavor, disappointment.

I love my women's group.  I felt a bit out of sorts tonight.  Or rather... it was so absolutely wonderful to be in a space where it is safe to be just "OFF".  It felt so good to just rest in this limbo spot with these wonderful women for a couple hours.  Others are also in such a space.  I feel myself treading water at the moment, but for the first time in my life... that is just fine for now.  I can't imagine or hope for doing better.

My wish to the divine for tonight is for dear friend newly pregnant:  Let's all breathe deep for tomorrow... to hear good word on little one inside.  I can guarantee, Little One,  you have a lot of folks who eagerly want to meet you and love you on this side.

In talking with my parents yesterday I learned more about Grandpa's condition.  The latest news is no fun.  My father reported to me that Grandpa "flashed" him.  Grandpa was walking across the room and his pants and underpants just fell right off his body.  Being the soothing, comforting, "accept it and work with it" type... I've been online this AM ordering him clothes that won't fall down, that are soft and warm, comfortable,  and easy to get on and off.  You can't lose 30+ pounds and have the same clothes.  I hope he likes them, wears them and GROWS OUT OF THEM AGAIN.

I remembered well having talks with client families when I worked with Alzheimer's patients about "changing concepts of clothing" for changing motor skills, comfort levels etc. 

The other word is that the MRI report mentioned something that came out in the appointment yesterday.  Grandpa has a brain tumor that has to be treated before treatment of the lung cancer begins.  Most likely it will be treated with radiosurgery.    Yup folks... a system much like the one I used to do QA on.  A robot shooting lasers of radiation into the brain to do targeted radiation therapy to kill the tumor.  I'm familiar with the treatment and have seen its success, so that is soothing to me, the fact that cancer is in Grandpa's brain is NOT.  Nope, it is not.  That he has to have THAT cancer treated before he can treat the stage IV lung cancer is not.  That his appetite and such won't get any better until chemo is done on the lung cancer is definitely definitely not.  Still no word on the prostate involvement, but Grandpa did decide to forgo the prostate biopsy... something I support knowing it's lack of true information and extreme pain involved in doing it.

The gastroenterologist prescirbed two different other medications to help get food in and sooth spasms in the GI tract that are causing lots of discomfort for Grandpa. 

I haven't caught Grandpa on the phone since he called and asked us not to come.  I call as often as I can and just tell them I love them and am thinking of them.  Grandma sounds so tired, so very very tired.  There is only so much a person can take in caring for their partner.  I wish they lived closer, I wish they lived closer!

We keep going about our days.  I am getting better at taking lots of vitamins, drinking lots of water and doing more restful stuff whenever i can so I can be strong and go visit in January.

Whenever I feel like I have to fight a high tide of obstacles to do the simplest of tasks... I ask myself if I am forcing a sollution.  If the answer is yes, I put myself in a time out.

I feel as though this whole dang month of December has been one long time out.  I feel like I have gotten not much done.  I feel I am in constant battle against sickness in this house, either in me or in Hubby or (most likely) the kiddos.  Forget about the whole NORMAL Christmas Season chaos.  I've missed playgroups, parties, an outing I organized!, and have had to rain check on other appointments.  It is upsetting and unreal to me.

Good news.  Two friends had babies, and another is newly pregnant.  I can't go see the babes since there's too much germ activity in this house for me to do that guilt free.  Not to mention the newly pregnant friend I miss so very very much.  We usually talk or see each other a lot, but since turkey day it's as if I've been thrown into solitary.  It is nice to talk on the phone.. but difficult with so much to do in tending to the kiddos and thinking of how to tackle the holiday shopping.  Not to mention keeping the kids busy while on the phone.  You  parents out there know what I mean.

We were so close to being free.  My cough was all but finished, Baby Girl's was getting "more productive" and therefore moving on.  Big Boy was back at school.  Hubby was back at work.  Yay.  Then when picking up big Boy at school yesterday he was all kinds of weepy.  He said his ear hurt.  He was telling Baby Girl to quiet down, please.... unusual.  Wanted to be carried everywhere.  Sure enough he wouldn't let me touch his ear.... and after nap he sparked a nice fever thus sending me to Good Sam ER with both kids in tow to get him taken care of.

It was kind of funny, really.  Hubby and I were talking on the phone strategizing HOW to get through this schedule hiccup and STILL get out together for a date.  Our babysitter must love us to death.  Hubby meets her at the house, lets her in, and tells her to go on and study for finals while he goes to the hospital to meet me.  I'll spare all the extra plans for "what ifs' we had in place.  If there was a long wait, if baby Girl got ultra fussy waiting for Big Boy to get treatment... etc etc.
Big Boy was seen quickly.  Hubby took the kids to get some dinner, and I went for the meds.  When I got home, kids had eaten.  We took them upstairs, got them to bed... we could have left them with the sitter right off, but with all the craziness of the evening, that would have been a recipe for disaster.  We got out for dinner together after the kids were medicated, settled and down.  The sitter admitted we are her favorite family over stuff like this... us doing all the work, putting kids to bed and leaving for two hours.... good for finals week.

It took a bit of work to get "our time" last night.  It was so worth it.  I love spending time with Hubby.  Holding hands, talking... looking at his beautiful face across a restaurant table.  Making plans, plotting shared dreams, laughing.  Although last night there was sadness too, as we talked about Grandpa.  We shared about our different "sudden overwhelming saddness" moments of the day.  I didn't cry at the restaurant though!

We returned home and both had trouble getting to sleep.  I read, fell asleep and woke up and couldn't sleep for an hour or so in the middle of the night.  All me.... the kids slept beautifully. 

We won't make the TiVo Christmas party today.  Big Boy with an ear infection and fever.... and Baby Girl with a boogery nose and "productive" cough.  It's hard to keep missing things.  While I am not flaking out... I am so missing my friends and the kids playing with their friends.  It's clear from the phonecalls  and such that I get that folks are beginning to wonder about me and how I'm handling all this.

Let's pray for health, an easy holiday, and rest for all!

I miss you, my friends, I miss you a lot!!  Thanks for calling!

Hello!  Hello out there?  I'm here.... really, really I am.

I haven't met with my walking group in two weeks ( or three?).

Big Boy missed a week of school.

Not on the phone.

Not e-mailing much.

Feeling better.  Beginning to function again.  Feeling like I need to call about ten people to get back to them for dropping off for a while.  Not sure if I'll make my party plans this weekend, but that i need to make "rain check" dates with these wonderful people.

A friend had a baby girl!  A big one too!  bigger then Kaya at 9 pound, 10 ounces... I wanna know if she pulled it off au naturale like her first... 1 week late(the baby was) and I have got to call her.  Another friend moving away back home to Chatanooga TN, will miss their bye bye party, but have got to see her before she leaves.... man, December is too manic!  re-make appointments, set others... see if I missed one for Baby Girl.  Dear friend has an ultrasound tomorrow... pray for her big time....

I had the flu.  Big Boy had the flu.  Baby Girl now has croup.  So now that I am at about ... hmm... 70%... we are back to what I lovingly call "newborn schedule".  Up every two hours to craddle, cuddle, sing to and sooth Baby Girl who was sounding like the sea lions in Monterey.  Two steaming sessions next to the shower, nursing non stop and honestly beggin for more.  "momma..... *hack  wheeze honk*  momma mikoock.... nook".  Then there were still a coupl check ins on Big Boy crying out for "momma".  Hubby took over Baby Girl at 6:30Am, while I went to hang with Big Boy ( I was hoping to sleep and let him play ;-)).    huh.... ha haa *coughing fit*  didn't happen *wheeze*.  At one point in the morning, baby Girl actually said "Iwan' dadddyy"  I lay her down in the bed, she saw him, said "HIiiiIIIiiiii!" gave him a kiss, he mooned over her and gave her kisses and said a cute sleepy hi too...  then she settled down right away.  I LOVE seeing this daddy/ baby girl stuff.... it's the Daddy's girl in me that just smiles so big to see it in her too.

It was decided (har har) that Morgan was not only fit enough for school on Friday.. but could they take him TODAY?!?!?  PLEASE????  By 8:30.. he was outta here!  Those of you with highly intelligent cabin feverish 3 year old boys know what I mean.. those feeling a little critical of me for that remark... well..... a mile in my shoes or a month in my life, my friend.

It was a very mentally tiring day.  Baby Girl was in arms the whole day, not eating, but wanting to nurse, gagging on mucus, feverish and weepy; but SOOoooo strong and still smiling and friendly.  Big Boy was testing testing testing...  to the point of pulling over the minivan and telling him I would not drive until he stopped screaming and kicking (WHY?  I dunno... I don't think HE knew why he was doing it...).  At another point it was just picking up his screaming flailing (just busted a toy tool) body and placing him in his room and leaving... while still carrying Baby Girl.

I think I'll go to bed early tonight.. or at least try to.  Who knows what will go bump in the night, call for Momma or Daddy.  I feel better, of course... still having fits of "productive" hackage... my hope is to NOT end up on a z-pack in a week.

Oh... we lost ALL the money for the condo for the trip to see Grandpa Ron before chemo.  I know, I know... lots of conversations.. made me sicker.  effing Hotels.com is .... just don't use them!!!  My dad is under the weather, same with Step-mom... but Dad did have a list of drugs he's researched for grandpa to take that will help him fight the cancer.  I spoke to Grandma today.... she was in good spirits as she was having some of her Sokku Gakai temple sangha over for a chanting session this morning!  Grandpa was going to be with them while they chanted.  Sounded so beautiful.  Healing for the whole house.  Buddhism is one of a zillion things Grandma and I share.

just say it over and over.. you too will feel more in the moment, centered, healed and enlightened :

Nam Myoho Renge Kyo

OOOOOooop!  sounds like the first raspy, hacking, wheezing cry for Momma or Daddy has just come through on the monitor.  Hubby to the rescue.

g'night.  Namaste

Grandpa called tonight.

The joy of a phonecall from  my grandpa is a rarity.  Once in a blue moon he will leave a cheeky message about how we've missed an opportunity to speak to the most beautiful man on earth. 

He told me the he is not feeling well.  This is the first time in all of this he has used such words.  He said "I am in a bad way."  He asked us to please not come down for the time being.  He doesn't want his great grand-babies seeing him like this because that just isn't right. "looking like death walkin' 'round here."

I agreed and know it's for the best.

He said to send him  a bill for the condo... shyeah... I don't think so, old man!  But we do have to figure out a way to recoup SOME of the cost.  My step-mom suggested seeing if we can get a partial credit to another stay.  I may need to get on the horn and figure out a fancy verbiage to get back some money.  Any suggestions?

I feel sad a bit.  AND I am ok with feeling sad.  Sad that I'm not healthy, sad that we can't travel, sad that we may sink a few hundred on a condo we won't stay in AND won't be seeing Grandpa before chemo.

I need to get well regardless.  We're missing Yoga mom's Holiday outing tomorrow... who knows about helping at school on Wed...Sat I have a tour to Scharffen-Berger planned, Sunday is Hillary's babyshower.  All stuff I was going to miss due to travel.  Let's hope i don't miss it due to flu!

Get your flu shots, people!

We rented a condo for the 7th to the 12th of december in Palm Dessert.  So we could visit with Grandpa and Grandma before the start of chemo.

Big Boy and I have a the flu.  While typing my last entry I took a break to take Big Boy's temp and give him some motrin (he was at 103.5).  I'm a  mere and toasty 101 ;-)

we cannot travel while ill.  To bring this bug to grandpa would dang near the kiss of death... as he now weighs about 150...and while he is starting to eat, it's not every day.  We need to build him up so he will be strong for the hell that is chemotherapy, antigenesis meds and possible testosterone blockers.

Long story short, we tried to cancel our plans due to illness, but if we cancel, we'll lose all of our money *ug ug ug*.  So IF we are well, and and such, we will go on and take it whatever days we have at the condo.  We may leave later and not have as much time, we may not be able to at all and will kiss goodbye the $$$.

I'm hopeful that the trip will happen WHEN IT IS RIGHT.  I'm not going to force anything.

I'll write later about the respite and realizations I've had while on sick bed going on 3 days now.  Good stuff.  Stuff I know I could only take in while in a feverish stupor.  It's going to be alright.  All of it is going to be alright.

We are now on sick day #4 for Big Boy.. #3 for me... and possibly #1 for Hubby.

About a year ago there was one of those scientific studies that proved the old wive's tale as to the truly healing factors to chicken soup.  I would hunt down a url and such, but gimme a break with the stuff... I have a fever of 101 and a 3 years old curled up under the same blanket watching Bob the Builder!  And yes.. we are both wearing our outdoor gear sweatshirts and super cozy sweatpants and are still cold.  I'm assuming Baby Girl is skirting the edge of this due to the breastmilk.  She's out with Hubby getting supplies.... another chicken, more pearl onions, Emergen-C, some probiotics.... can we say thank you Whole Foods? 

My sick head tends to digress...or rather, doesn't want to bother with editing!  Anyway.  Chicken soup.  HOMEMADE chicken soup.  The chicken fat soothes and coats raw throats and has the slow burning energy power to sustain us through those long long (and sometime hallucinogenic) sleeping times.  Something about the chicken meat and fat are a natural anti-infamatory.  So it truly does soothe the muscles and ease the fever.  Also when made at home in large batches, chicken broth itself carries these properties AND is a great way to stay hydrated.  Water is the best expectorant.  When packaged in the yumminess that is chicken soup, it tastes a lot better and is warm and cozy too.

So I am going to share my oh-so-easy and often raved about chicken and dumplings recipe.  Now, this recipe is my own version garnered from the wisdom of my step-mom and Grandma Toni... you can check out grandma toni's recipe at http://www.tonidunlap.com/chicdump.htm.  Mine is a lot simpler.  I can make this recipe even with a fever of 102 and a toddler hanging off my leg....

You need:
1 whole fryer chicken (between 2 and 4 pounds)  little is best.
1 mesh bag (about 2 cups worth) of white pear onions
kosher salt or baleine salt (it does make a difference)
three ribs of celery
five whole peppercorns
one bay leaf
chopped garlic ( about 3 cloves worth)
Bisquick and milk
black pepper (about 1/2 teaspoon)

wash the chicken and remove the giblets.  Place it in the dutch oven pot (big one).  Add about 3 talbespoons of kosher salt.  Fill the pot with water until it fully covers the chicken and about a quarter inch above it.  cut the celery just so it fits in the pot... no need to dice or get too busy here.  Halve half of the pearl onions and toss them into the pot.  along with the peppercorns and bay leaf.  Put the covered pot on the stove on medium/medium low heat ( you want a slow and pensive simmer going.... not too much rolling of the water, but activity clear... those of you who also watch Alton Brown know what I mean ;-).  Let it percolate for about an hour and a half or so.  The "or so" is this: when you give the leg bone a gentle tug, you want the bone to come off easily and the meat to fall away somewhat.

Gently and carfully remove the chicken (it will come apart, and that's just right) and put it in  a nice big bowl.

Strain the broth through a wire strainer or cheesecloth into a second large pot to remove all the celery, peppercorns, bay leaf and onions.  Toss away the celery, peppercorns, and onions used.  So all you have is a nice rich flavorful broth with a layer of fat on top.

Re-strain the broth back into the heated pot, return to the stove and put on med heat.  Take two forks and pry all different kinds of meat from the chicken... light or dark.. whatever you like best until you've either used up the bird or have all the meat you feel you need.  skin and halve the rest of the white onions and toss them in as you cut.  Toss in about three cloves of garlic chopped ( jarred garlic is just fine.. about 1 1./2 teaspoons chopped is good)

Bring the soup to a mild boil and follow the instructions on the bisquick box for dumplings.  2 cups mix to 2/3 cups milk.  Drop spoonfuls of the batter into the boiling stew.  sprinkle with black pepper.. cook 10 minutes uncovered, 10 mintues covered.  voila. 

nummness.

eat well, be well.