Jessica's Blog

I had a really messed up thing happen to me recently.

After an odd moment at a playgroup, I called a mom to "check in".  What I got was a darned good slap in the face.  Basically, that she never got over stuff that happened well over a year ago, that she felt I wasn't a good listener at the gathering (watching preschoolers  run around) and that she decided not to be part of the group anymore.  Oh, and she was only calling me back TO BE POLITE.

Now, I get it.  Don't take it personally.  She's going through a lot.  I had thought we were "friends" not good friends, but friends enough to respect each other enough to talk through issues we had with each other.  But nope.  What I got was... fuck you, don't call me, and I'll keep seeing others from the group, but not you.

huh.  never had that happen before.

Good cause for introspection.  And I guess I owe her a big thank you for that!

The last five months( basically since October of 2005) of my life have been a living torrential downpour of pain and transition.  Mourning, illness, death, fear, job hating, husband loving, house moving.... big stuff!  Time travels differently now that we have children.  days may go slow (real slow during spontaneous tantrums) but month s fly by in a wink.  I feel like I am just beginning to return to myself after five months of hellacious and glorious life experience.  Five. Months.

Our new house is my dream.  I love it so much I thank it every night when I go to sleep and every morning when i wake up.  Hubby starts a new job in April and his last day at his current job is tomorrow.  Those are two huge transitions in the lives of a family, we just decided to pile them up.  Add to that losing Grandpa, ailing Grandma on the other side, death of step-grandfather, aunt puking blood uncontrollably in a hospital for a week, me having another systemic breast infection (ill-timed little bugger!).... and the day in day out life with a 18month old and 3 and half year old.  WOWSA I'm surprised I'm not in therapy ( I guess really it's because i don't have time!!) 

Five months.  In that time.. this now self decided ex-fried had a baby and a lot of other things happen.  A lot can happen in five months.  No wonder she felt I was MIA.  Yeah, I called, but never showed up.  I called and told her what was going on with me and that I wasn't good company... but never brought her dinners or baby clothes....I wasn't a very "good friend".  thankfully ( and I'm not joking here).... her exclusive nature wasn't forgiving of that fact and by cutting me off brought to my attention in a very quantitative manner that five months is a long time to be in flux and out of commission!  Some friends are not willing to hang with you for that long when the going gets rough.

Transitions are beginning to wind down.  We are in our new home.  Hubby has his next job.  Mourning sorrow over Grandpa is still in fits but not as often as that first ***oh wow didn't know I could cry so much**** month.  I am back to relative health.  No pun intended at all!  (my relatives are in tough shape!)  Things seems to be coming back to a normal storm and not an over the top storm.

So in the end, in processing this over the last week off and on while moving boxes, wrangling kids, installing light fixtures, t and alking to family and other friends;  I'm not so hurt I was given walking papers by this one now ex-friend.  Shit happened.  She couldn't get over it or see past it.  that being so,  I thank her for the "polite" phone call and the wake up call to boot!

but, because I am me.. I did delete her numbers from my cell phone!  muh-ah ah ah!!!

We signed off on the papers selling our house.  We are in rent back.  We dont' own this roof over our heads right now and we are so so happy about it.  We decided to hire both packers and movers.  Pure luxury and in light of Hubby's back, my neck and our two wee ones .... we had many ways to justify it!

We had our walk through with the builder on our new place today.  two hours of being told about every minute detail of BTUs of the water heater to the switching capabilities of the oh-so-silent bathroom fans.  I'm so in love.  I called Grandma and told her I was near tears of joy.  We signed papers for our new house after the walk through.  New mortgage.  New address.  new dreams.

Hubby has said buh-bye to his job.  I dont' feel right getting into it, as I dont' want to be the fat mouth telling too much.  But I will say this:  he will be much happier where he is going.  Also, I love hearing my folks and grandfolks telling him how proud they are of him and how much they love him for taking steps to be happier.  His rash is going away(hello 21 days of amoxicilin).  His back is all but completely better, and *until today* hadn't had a headache in a couple weeks.  hoooorrrrrah!

In cleaning out our file cabinets I came across all the letters I used to get donations for my Team Diabetes marathon in 2001... letters about why I was running for Grandpa... I started to cry, Hubby put his hand on my shoulder and I immediately launched into (kids with my mom at the time playing) a blue streak of vulgar language about lung caner. a la "fuckingchickenshitwhatthefuckisthepointofitfuckin lung cancer!!!"

Mom's (step mom)'s dad died suddenly .. or not so so suddenly, but thw two weeks leading to his death did not involve any calls to her or her sister...massive pulmonary embolism.  Not one full month after Grandpa died.  She's doing as best as canb e expected... really great... she said she feels like she's been smooshed flat and her body just hurts.  I love her so much I can't  wrap my brain around the pain in her heart right now.  She's an amazingly strong woman, as we all are... my thoughts are with her.

My aunt was in the hospital for the week.  They couldn't keep her from vomiting up blood uncontrollably. Her youngest responded b y blowing off school the whole stay in the hospital.  I totally understand that, but apparently LA school system doesn't.

Grandma (bio-mom's mom) is having a hard time.  falling down a lot and has announced she wants to have spinal surgery.  She went loopy for a good three months after her shoulder replacement a couple years ago.  I sigh a deep deep sigh.  Tough old bird gone a bit too stubborn? 

I've neglected myself back into taking a few motrin a day,, but I have a deep tissue session tomorrow.

Yeah, there's a bunch I'm forgetting to write about, but to be truthfull.. I'm a little tired from my wonderfully happy charged day.

yeah, our plate is full.

I feel like in the last few days I have re-entered the world of the living.  This is as opposed to the world of the mourning, sad, or stressed with worry over Grandpa's illness world.

I spoke with a few friends today.  I called to say hello and check in.  Most said they had been thinking /worrying about me, but knew I would call when i was ready and that they decided to let me lick my wounds.  Thank you, you wonderful women.

I had a tummy flu last week.  Sudden, icky.  We've all been there.  But I swear I think I puked and otherwise "purged" the mourning out of me.  I fever slept for a day and half another day.  The timing of it was horrible.  But with each day, I felt less sad and felt more like I could think of/love/ reflect on Grandpa without tears or a choking feeling.

It is a way I handle difficult things in my life.  I don't want to bring down the masses with my sorrow or sob story.  I knew I couldn't truly be with folks without eliciting pity or seeming a downer, so I spared myself the "fake it til you make it" syndrome.  I took the time to go through this process, and am glad that I did.  I can now talk about it without my gut turning.  My Grandfather died after a short and furious battle against lung cancer.  I miss him horribly.  done.

I have had many many many visits from my Grandpa over the last month.  Conversations, holding my hand, telling me stuff....I don't want them to stop at all, as I do enjoy them; but two of them I would love to share.  The last that let me know I was ready to return to my friends recovered from sitting shiva.

The first was a goodie.  I was dreaming I was on a beach in Hawaii.  I could hear a baby hollering out for Momma.  I knew it was Baby Girl, but I was NOT ready to leave this dream yet.  I had EARNED this time on the beach, and the cry was more a demand than a need.  SO in my dream... she became "someone else's baby" .  C'mon moms out there.  We've all done this... or tried to sleep through it so our spouse would get the baby instead... you know you're out there!  Anyway.  I'm on my beach when Grandpa appears in front of me in a white linen shirt and pants and leans down and says in his wise and to-the-point tone "Go git  your child!".  Needless to say I startled out of that sleep like something out of a movie and promptly got out of bed and "got my child".

The other was just this weekend.  I was finally feeling about back to normal in my own body from the flu.  We had picked options on our new house.  I was realizing the overwhelming sadness had lifted and mused at the power of a tummy bug to quite seriously clean me out on physical/spiritual/ and emotional levels.  I was lying in bed half asleep thinking about this when I said, "Hey, Grandpa?  Grandpa?  I want you to know I miss you so very much, more than I have words for.  But... I also want you to know I'm okay now.  Okay to be wife to your favorite grandson and mother to your great grandbabies."  I took a deep breath and curled up and quickly fell into a light sleep.  I woke up to the clear as a bell feeling of Grandpa giving me a big kiss on my temple!  Stubbly.  soft mouth with just the same exact weight behind it.  The only feeling missing from this kiss on the temple from him was the overtly loud and often comical smoochy smoochy or zerbert sound he'd put behind it.  I woke up, rolled over and just smiled the first all the way through to my heart smile I had done in some time.

I'm proud of myself that I have not sugar coated, avoided or dramatized this emotional experience.  It feels good to feel functional again.  Now, if I could just help put Hubby back together we'll be golden.

Oh yes.. nearly took me back to the fights my sis and I would have (not really)

Riley and Huey on Boondocks .... too too much!

The Episode of "Let's nab Oprah"... aside from Samuel L. Jackson being the voice of a white guy... is hard core humor.

The sibling fight scene was priceless.  Kung fu, street fighting, pots and pans.  Ending in Riley getting his just desserts... just as Granddad appears.  Funny how the parents don't appear until half the furniture in the place is busted.

We bought a house.  We are buying from the builder so next Friday I go to pick out my options on what laminate flooring, what carpet, what glass shower doors.  It's very exciting.  We're looking forward to a more city oriented lifestyle... taking trains instead of the car, walking around downtown, maybe doing more arts and theater events.  The downside being the schools, and pretty much resigning ourselves to finding a "good private school".  that would pretty much stop the Westbrook factory from producing a #3. 

We sold our house this last week.  It didn't take long, but took longer than we would have liked, but then again... we were not in the best shape to handle offers around Grandpa's death, and hadn't set our sites on our new home.

Hubby is considering things recruiters have to offer him.  But I'm not going to say much more to that.

Big Boy is doing better.  He was adjusting to longer days at school when we had a visit from Hubby's mom.  He then came down with a flu this week, but as of today is recovered enough to go back to school tomorrow.  His behavior gets better every day as he starts to now verbalize his emotional processing.  He'll now bring us the phone and ask us to dial GGma, Grandma Margi, or Poppa.  They have their own private conversations (though I hear I miss yous and I love yous) , and my heart sings.

Baby Girl is just killer.  She's now talking up a storm and talking about wanting to use the toilet.  I may just jump at the chance to potty train her now and be done with it.  My diaper changing days over?  It's only been 3 and a half years of a few diapers a day.... wouldn't that be nice?

There are issues in my mom's family around my grandma.  Grandma wants to stay in her house, but her ability to live independently has come into question.  She's taken some nasty falls, has not been as mentally clear... it's a tough call.

I went out to my first social event since Grandpa died this weekend. Yup, folks... just a bit under a month since he died.  I went to a friend's baby shower.  I saw some mom-friends and played baby shower games.  It was so wonderful to see her family and meet her  mother and grandma I had heard so much about. 

I do find myself feeling "tentative".  I don't feel all that right yet.  I find it difficult to be around folks who all "know" and express their sympathy in succession.  I feel like I'm trying to learn to keep it together in this saddness and it's a daily, hourly thing.  Not to be melodramatic.  I told Hubby the other night that I am ready to feel "fine" again.  I'm ready to not cry so often.  Then I remember that it hasn't even been one month yet.  I take a deep breath, and let the tears flow.  Forgive myself, talk to Grandpa about it, listen to what he has to say.... wipe the tears and move on.

Saturday I beat myself up over how many visits we cut short because of Big Boy's inability to sleep well when traveling.  I was kicking myself over the look in Grandpa's eyes when we would drive away.  Over the times we didn't visit because it would be too hot for the kids.  Then, I got upset with Grandpa because he would say over and over and over "Don't worry your purdy little head, my darlin'.. you take your time.  We'll be here waiting for you.  We ain't going nowhere... we got no place to go." 

But I am getting out.  I am starting to be more social.  Spent a lot of time with the neighbors today.  I just keep on breathing and it will be fine.

I was talking to Hubby about this tonight. the pure mish-mosh of emotions I've been feeling in good and bad and all kinds of ways.

I was doing my tarot cards tonight and there was a passage about noticing the beauty of nature and how that meant I was feeling more
and more positive.

I thought this was a good and yet ironic statement for me lately.

On Sunday we took a family trip to the Monterey Bay Aquarium.  Whenever we need a family healing session we tend to go there.  The last time we went was when we knew Grandpa had a serious advanced form of lung cancer.  But anyway.  We were ahving an Open House and need to get the heck outta dodge... and made a good day of it.

As we are trucking over the 17 beyond the Los Gatos Reservoir mid morning.  I'm sipping my mocha as hubby is at the wheel, kids watching "Nemo" and I am looking up at the mountains.  Fog is evaporating off them in a dramatic and awesome way.  Just billowing off the peaks in reverse "cat's feet" way.  The sun is shining down, the road is wet and blinding from the rain.... in short.  A perfect Norcal moment.  Breathtaking.  Amazing.  ALMOST the kind of thing that made me want to turn off the DVD and get Big BOy to notice.. but I quickly reminded myself of the tantrum that would follow and decided I'd wait for another time to brow beat him on the wonders of nature.  ha.

Here was this beautiful thing, and a lump formed in my throat, my eyes welled up and the tears flowed down my cheek.  This is exactly the kind of thing I would call Grandpa about later in the day to tell him.  I would explain in long winded detail how the fog was being sucked back up into the sky from the redwoods and it was good thing I was wearing sunglasses lest I go blind due to the road.... and he would listen and say "oh, yes."

SO here in this sad and deliciously exquisitely painful dark place, I see something so beautiful and it cause me to be sad.... but THEN.... and here's my spiritual religious belief chiming in.....

He can see it all anyway!  He's is everywhere and all around us all the time now.  I can't tell you how many times that day I saw the most breathtaking beauty and like a three year old would say "Look Grandpa, Look!  you see?!?!  You see that?!?!?  Isn't it amazing?"  and I swear I could hear him say "of course I can, and yes, it is."

This is such an odd time to be feeling so much about so many things.

Whenever I am told to make a trip up to Sacramento for some family function, I get a zit.

every. time.

Every time I get called to Sacramento for a family party... I'm never sure we want to go.

every.time.

It is always an ambivalent, not excited, dragging my feet, prepare myself and take a deep breath and try not to be defensive, but protect myself energetically for toxicity experience.

Are they bad people?  Not at all.  Are they mean people?  Not at all.  Are they rude people?  they have that potential, but rarely are.

So why the acne?

Well.....deep deep stuff.  Just thought of this out loud with hubby.

The truth is that whenever I decide I'm just getting self protective and stressed out over nothing and let my guard down to let the sun shine in.... one of them does something melodramatic or family gathering sabotaging or hurtful... most often along the lines of "I won't do it because [so and so] ... will a) be there b) think that c) always did x,y, or z"

In short idiotic, self serving, family diving.... pick me over them... YUCKY STUFF.  We all get called to chose sides, ... ugly.

and then I am reminded ofthe fact that they are for the most part nuts.  My mom and her sibs.  I did not grow up in that house, but all I can say is that it's in spite of her generation we go.    It's in spite of all the wretched drunken, drugged out, screaming fights (that apparently still happen when I'm not there) that we brave the get togethers.

Now that Grandpa Ronald is gone, I do have a desperate yearning in my heart for a spiritual family, as one of my deepest heart connection family members is now gone.  But I have to remind myself over and over.....

YOU DON'T GO TO A HARDWARE STORE TO BUY PERFECTLY PREPARED FRESH CROISSANTS.

They are who they are.  I do love them as family.  They love me as best they can too.  I'll just keep getting pimples in odd places and tummy knots before each gathering.

Nam Myoho Renge Kyo....

Bits of eloquence are creeping out through the tears now.  I thought I would share a song I hummed, half sang, half thought, half wept while at Grandpa's bedside on his last day here with us.  It's by Natalie Merchant, and there's nothing more appropriate.  I'm ready to share it now,, but thinking of it brings the tears back pretty quick.  Holding his hand, doing energy work to sooth him, kissing him, and telling him it would be ok.

You've been so kind and generous, I don't know how you keep on giving
For your kindness I'm in debt to you
For your selflessness, my admiration
For everything you've done, you know I'm bound, I'm bound to
thank you for it....

And I never could have come this far without you
For everything you've done, you know I'm bound, I'm bound to
thank you for it....

Oh, I want to thank you for so many gifts you gave with love and tenderness,
I wanna thank you
I want to thank you for your generosity, the love and the honesty that you gave me
I want to thank you, show my gratitude, my love and my respect for you,
I wanna thank you

Oh I want to thank you, thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you, thank you...

Thank you so much Grandpa, you are missed so deeply.  I know you heard my song, and knew I was going to be ok.

There is so much I can't say, so many things I am going through in grief that go beyond all I have to communicate.  I have never been here before.  My body hurts, my limbs are filled with lead sand or something .. but I feel stiff and heavy.  I have no apetite, but eat what i can as best I can.. and it all runs through me within an hour or two.  Some times are better than others.  Waves of saddness hit and I just let them.  I dont' fight it, but I do find I don't do well here in the AM... when I used to sit, read the paper and drink coffee with Grandpa... or when we would go for walks on the wash together... mornigns are the hardest time of all.  I still can hardly breathe then.  But I do, and i walk, and I drink coffee and lots and lots of water to flush the biochemistry of grief so I don't sink in this ocean.  I'm trying to remember just what happened.

January 14th (E-mail from Lisa mom):

In case you haven't talked to Toni in the last day or so, I thought I'd update you on Ron's medical care.

His first round of chemo ended this week and he had an MRI for his brain that showed there is NO brain cancer.    They also met with Dr. Vafai to talk about how to proceed and Dr. Vafai feels that the chemo is too hard on Ron, so he is not going to proceed to a second round as originally planned.  The chemo appears to have stopped progression of cancer but his body is just not able to hold up under it; he is extremely weak.

Instead, he is putting Ron on a week or two of prednisone, which he hopes will make Ron feel a bit better and may help his appetite, then he is going to start him on Tarceva.  Tarceva targets epidermal growth factor receptors and when it works it slows or stops the growth of tumor cells.  It is generally not used in conjunction with chemo.  When it works, it often shows signs of symptom relief within a couple of weeks.  It does come with its own assortment of side effects.

Keep your fingers crossed for him, he could really use some relief.

Love, Lisa

January 15th(e-mail from grandma):

Children,

It is 2:00 AM.

I just got home maybe 15 minutes ago.  Daddy and I have been at the hospital since 7:30.  They kept him there.

After a day of rest and seemingly doing well, I took his glucose reading just before I was going to give him dinner.

It was 525.  I called the doctor and continued making his dinner.  Very tender steak and steamed vegetables.  He ate all of it and he ate well all day long in fact.

When Dr. Vafai returned my call I gave him all of the readings for the entire day.  Our focus was the blood sugar.  His before dinner blood pressure was low 89/55.  Doctor said, " to Emergency immediately".  He was calling to let them know we were coming.  They were waiting for us when we arrived.

Daddy was in no distress, still sort of breathless, puffing out of the mouth instead of breathing through the nose.  He actually was more alert and with it than he has been for a number of days.

I had given him a Glipizide blood sugar tablet after that 525 reading so when it was taken by the admitting nurse, it was down to 458, still too very high.  So after many blood draws, more hydration, chest x-ray, conversations with the doctor there and Vafai, it was decided that he should stay to find out why the low blood pressure as well as to stabilize the blood sugar.

He was given insulin for the very first time and that brought it down to 300.  Cannot remember what time that was.  Punchy by then anyway, both of us.

When I left him his blood pressure was normal 110/69 and his pulse was 101 .  I left before the blood sugar reading was taken.
His nurse Ash, was attempting to teach him to breathe through the nose and to stop puffing out his air through the mouth.  I am hoping that he'll listen to her.  I have been trying for days and days.  Same technique that she was telling him to do.  He is so funny.  Gave me a look.  I just shook my head.  Nothing to say, too tired.  He was trying.

So, it is looking like Prednisone is not the way to go for Daddy.  Guess we'll find out more tomorrow.

Just wanted to let you know.

Love,

toni

We spoke a long while with Grandma in the evening.  grandpa was calling her a lot from the hospital.  He wanted her to bring him his glasses when she came back.  He wanted her to tell his children "Tell your children; no.  Tell OUR children that I am hanging in as tough as I can."  It made us smile and breathe deep that he would be home soon.

January 16th:

I don't know what happened.  Earlier in the day I was joking with friends about Grandpa being a difficult patient, feisty and wanting to get home.  Then I got a call form my dad at about 3 in the afternoon.  He said "I'm going to have to beg out of babysitting for you on [Hubby]'s birthday.  Dad is crashing and he ain't gonna make make it.  We're heading down."  Grandma was beeping on the other line, sounding awful.  I told her she didn't need to tell me.. we were going to be on the road and coming ASAP.  I called Hubby at work and said "We gotta go, Love... Grandpa is dying."  He said, "I'm coming home right now."  Dear Friend came quick and got the cats boarded for me, bless her.  She gave me hugs and wished me a safe trip.  Sue came over and watched the kids while Hubby and I packed and sorted and packed some more.  We were on the road by 6pm.  We got here at 2Am to my parents already here.  They had flown down and had been to the hospital.  Grandpa had been transferred out of ICU because "his condition is very very grave.".  We were to speak to hospice the next day to take our next steps.

Dear Friend sent this e-mail on my behalf:

Dear friends,

I am writing to let you know that today Jessica, Paul and the babes travelled down to Palm Desert to see her Grandpa Ron. He has been in the hospital, and is not doing well. Unfortunately, he is not expected to pull through, so they are hoping to make it in time. They plan to be gone for at least the next three days.

Please join me in sending any positive thoughts and prayers you can spare to Jess and her family.

Kind regards,
Tonya
January 17th:

We got going in the AM and went to the hospital.  Nothing could have prepared me for what I would see.  There was Grandpa propped up in the bed, a mere 129 pounds maybe.  Bald from Chemo, sallow, shrunken.  He was "sleeping", but his eyes weren't closed all the way so sleep had gathered in the corners and his face was slack.  Big Boy said "I'm nervous" and Hubby took the kids out so I could be with Grandpa alone.  Grandpa had a BIPAP mask on over his nose and mouth... with velcro straps around his head to hold it on.  It was a pressurized oxygen, so the machine puffed and sucked and his mouth, hanging open, would puff and his throat would puff and his tiny chest would rise.  I foudn his hand under the blankets and held his hand and held his hand.  They were unchanged.  The one thing about him stuck in my head so sad to lose was the one thing unchanged by this evil cancer.  They were cold and stiff.  His body was cold and stiff.  I can't write much mroe about what I said with him or told him about or the tears shed.  But I was with him on my own for about an hour while Grandma and my parents met with the hospice nurse.

Relatives form the high desert drove down.  My aunt and great uncle.

My Mom (biomom) flew in later that day and met up with us at the hospital and visited with him and he woke up with a start, seemed to try to sit up, squeezed her hand.  It was amazing to see this.  In my heart I know he was waiting for her... his "first daughter".  She and I stayed there for a bit while Grandma and Mom (Lisa mom) and Dad went and did due diligence to look at RCFs int he area.. though we knew grandma would chose to take him home.

We all got home at the end of the day and ate in our own time.. heck, I don't even remember...Grandma and Dad went back to the hospital again.  My heart ached to, but I knew I needed to care for my babes and Grandpa would have kicked my ass for not doing that.

When they got home, Big Boy and Baby gilr were sitting at the Gohonzon, and so we had a service, and my GOD was it ever a service.  Bio-mom, Lisa mom, Me, kids, Toni... all chanting, rigning bells.  Praying for a peaceful passing.  Nam Myoho Renge Kyo

Late that night mom and dad and hubby and I sat at the table and talked in the dark, baby girl sleeping nearby.  Hubby and I got caught up on the business of the day.  We talked about what home hospice would mean.  Dad divulged that the nurse had trouble getting a temperature reading on Grandpa that night.  We all prayed for a peaceful ending.

January 18th:

2AM the phone rang.  Hubby stirred with a start, and I soothed him down... "It's the hospital calling honey, I know it."  Then I heard Grandma wail.  I jumped off the futon and met Dad halfway down the hall "It's the hospital.  They've called it, he's gone."  I hurried to Grandma and my mom (bio mom) was holding her and she was wailing for her Ronald.  "We got to go... we got to go."  But her legs gave out.  She couldn't move her legs.  I called my sister to tell her, she sobbed immediately.  I told her I didn't want to wait to tell her, and she thanked me.  We said we loved each other.  We all pulled on clothes and crammed in the car...me, mom, dad, bio-mom and grandma....We half carried Grandma.. her body just gave out.  She wailed for "daddy, Ronald... husband... my love..."  We just held her as best we could.

"This seems like a different world" my Lisa mom said
"It is definitely a different world.: bio mom and I responded.  Empty roads, silent world.  dark.

We got to his room, and all was quiet.  No beeping machines, no masking pressuring air into his body, no morphine, no iv.... just a quiet tiny body in a bed.  The ladies kissed him on the head and cried a bit, quietly.  My dad sat at the foot of the bed silent and staring.  The nurse came in to get information for "his arrangements".

There is a lot I am leaving out here.... talk of things I feel he told me in that time.  I truly believe he stayed in there a tiny bit until we got there.  But then there were signs of him all around us outside and on the way there and home.  I can't share what I told him with my last kisses and tears.

It was the longest day of my life.  Longer than the day I tried to get Big Boy of of me and ended in a cesarian.  Time was just all kinds off of kilter.  Fuck that noise.. it still is, but not as bad as that day.  I went with mom to get my sister at the airport, took her to the mortuary to view him.  I got to see him again, looking even better under soft light, a blue blanket and cushioning to hide how tiny he was.  Talked to him again.  Lots of talking to Dear friends hubby to get info for Hubby's birthday gift.  I got some calls, I made some calls.

We celbrated Hubby's birthday because we truly truly needed to.  We all pitched in a got him an iPod and we all beamed as he glowed in gratitude.

We all feel so grateful.  Grateful he passed in peace, in the night.  grateful he saved us from home hospice care and all it would entail.  grateful for how he spoiled us all rotten as dirt every day of his life.  grateful for the flowers sent.  grateful for who he was and how he was.  All the same, just sad sad sad.

The next few days are a blur.  I do my best to be with my babes and do fun things.  grandpa is everywhere.  I cried a lot at the Living Desert train exhibit, as it was his favorite thing.  Cried when i ordered for lunch because we used to share that.  One night I cried myself to sleep, cried myself awake and cried all morning long until about noon.  He is with us all the time, and beginning to fade a bit as he sees were are making it ok.

Mom and Dad drove Grandpa's car back home north to sell it.  It was hard to see it driving away and me "making sure it left"... Grnapd would always stand in the drive to make sure we didn't try and come back.  I'm finding myself doing that now as sister leaves, moms and dad leave.

Now it's me, hubby, the babes and grandma.  I slept with her until she was well asleep last night.  making sure she drinks her water.  There are so many things we are doing for this house, neglected from the sickness... for grandma in hopes she will be alright.  We are going to sty until tuesday... We'll go home once Grandpa is safely in his niche at the memorial park.

I think I'll leave him a bottle of tanqueray.  I just hope it fits in that little flower vase.

So much I'm leaving out, but need to.  I am so proud that I was able to get this out.

Grandpa's last words were:

YOU ARE MY WIFE, AND I LOVE YOU.

Today was a really really really hard day to me a mom to a three year old and 1 year old.

I honestly have so much on my mind; it's a struggle to remain in the moment.  Big Boy asked me a bit on walks today, " Momma... you nice now?  You happy now?"  ech.. how frickin' ugly must I have been acting.  But I know he was catching me day dreaming or deep in thought when he asked me this.... I walked them in the stroller a lot today to clear my head or fill in logistics of the house sale prep etc.

Baby Girl has decided she is no longer a baby.  I'll have to come up with a new nickname.. although she really IS Baby Girl.  She fights every diaper change like a Greco Roman wrestling gold medalist.  I've given up on the changing table because I get better leverage when straddling her on the floor!  She notices "babies" when we are out. (Big Boy could care less about babies).  If I ask her if she's a baby she adamantly shakes her head and says "No NO baby!"  It's kinda cute.

BUT she is wayyyy precocious with her use of the word "NO".  Also in the phase of not having ANY volume control.  Each day we awaken to her hollering "MOMMA!!!!  DADDYYYYY" down the hall.  I can't tell ( since they do share a room) if this wakes Big Boy or if he ignores her.  She hollers the unintelligible toddler holler for "I want" "I need" "give me" "mine" or "how effing dare you?!?!?!"  We patiently tell her "use talking voice" or offer signs to use instead of yelling... or just say "STOP.  ENOUGH"... but she is just. into. yelling.

ORRRrrrrrr....

"I'm teething but since I'm such a badass, I'm not registering pain in my head and asking for help using baby sign language.. instead I'll just yell at everyone, throw things, and tantrum on the floor until someone forces motrin down my gullet and half hour later I'm a happy social kid again."  Downright flirty, chatty, funny, playful, good natured.... yeoswa nothin' like her mom..... I caste my eyes upward in prayer forecasting her adolescent years if they are ANYTHING like my own!!!!

So... why is this title "hard to be 3"???  Because Big Boy has to deal with this as much as I do, but when he gets sick of it and yells at her, hits her or tries to kill her a few times a day..... HE gets in trouble.  How wack is that?  OR when he acts like she does.. he gets told the same thing but with the added "You KNOW that's our agreement (or rule)".  Here Big Boy is; inundated with toddler nightmarish tantrums, tears, fits and such,... but if he does anything toddler-like... he gets called on it and corrected.

Yup... I am now "getting" in a big way why my parents bitched so much and had soooo many stories ( my sis too, probably) about the annoying younger siblings and how no matter what they did.. the oldest got the "dont' you dare" glare or the "why did you do that?!?!?" question.

I am (OBVIOUSLY) the baby of my immediate family.  I'm the older by far of the cousins in the extended.  But I am the baby of my immediate family.  The ghosts of that existence are beginning to come back in force as my kiddos develop their sibling hood.  Although I must admit... different sexed siblings is new to me.. but not too much...  From shared memories... sounds like my sis and I tumbled and bloodied each other quite a bit compared to hubby and his sis.

Big Boy had a rough sibling day.  Yelling at Baby Girl and getting into trouble for it.  Shushing Baby Girl and getting talked to about it.  Trying to help her into a chair.... but causing her to freak out and cry and hit her head on a talbe.....and getting talked to about the "I know you meant well...."  And (kinda laughing about it now .. but was soo pissed at the time) Grabbing the back of her overalls and slamming her into the walls of their playhouse... and getting into BIG BIG trouble for that... because it wasn't HER playhouse.. itw as HIS toolched!  He actually went to his room on his own and said he wouldnt' come down til he was ready.  Then it was running off to the bathroom at the park  and going inside without mom (YIKES!!!) and getting into trouble for THAT because mom  had to scoop up Baby Girl from the TOP of a structure and run to the W.C. to keep up.  What sucks about that one is the urgency of the whole potty training deal.  Here he was, listening to his body.... and yet being asked not to run into the public restroom because mom knows a serious Megan's Law nightmare is on the map living just off the park... and who knows what's in the bathroom waiting for my beautiful Boy..... I GET IT>..... irony of school .... LET'S MOVE ON....

Today we had work done on our "back yard"  yes I use quote because it's an effing nightmare money pit.. but will look GORGEOUS for sale now.  Big Boy was all kinds of in the mix with the gardeners.  He was out there asking to help, making sure he had on boots, was de-potting cyclamen... rolling the heavy water roller over new sod... it. was. amazing.... but then it was, "c'mon Honey.. they need you to come in now so they can do something little kids can't be around."  followed by having to drag him in, close the door and let him pound on the glass and moosh his face into it hollering to be satisfied he was still involved.  He wants IN in EVERYTHING.  I can empathize with that.

I find myself between a rock and a hard space a lot lately in proper parenting of an intelligent/engineering/ introverted 3 year old.  AND an intelligent/active/ ultra social 1 year old.  I find I do leave him be as he would like most much of the time ( because I gotta watch her like a hawk!) but then I find it challenging to stick to my own personal ...acknowledge three good things *at least* for each disciplinary action.. rule.  But lately.. by GOD.... he's dancing by open windows hollering "look at me!" while Baby Girl is trying to choke on one of his 3+yr toy pieces that he refused to clean up, after much positive intervention.  I do concern myself with him only seeking negative attention if it's what he feels he gets much of the time.  He's 3!

It's hard being Bog Boy right now.  He is so wonderful one on one... and often asks to have me all to himself....but that just isn't possible a lot.  But By Golly is her ever 3.  In every marvelous way.  Every "No, I will not listen to you right now" way.  Every "I have great zen wisdom to share with you." way; every "I'll do it MYSELF.... I have trouble... help me?" way.

On top of grandpa being so ill.  On top of house hunting, house selling.... On top of the handful his sister is....

It's not so easy being 3. 

But, Big Boy.... Momma loves you beyond words, beyond the moons and stars.. beyond all we know of love... and I swear to you... I'm doing my very best.  It's what all moms do. 

pins and needles,

excitement

little bit of nausea

not much sleep

trying not to get to freaked as the process could be long...

nervousness... will they pick our offer???  Will they pick us?

We've made an offer on our next home.

We want it BAAAAAADDDD.

We'd love it so much.  It is so right for us......

*OH HOPEFUL THOUGHTS*

... oh oh oh.......

A friend of mine is  a wee bit of a Caroline Myss enthusiast.

Caroline Myss has a book that is darned good mind munching:  Sacred Contracts.  To grossly and desperately oversimplify.(OH PLEASE FORGIVE ME, KAI!!!). it is the concept that we have spiritual agreements with different spirits in our live.  From the most extreme as the partnerships we keep, to happenings with strangers.... we've allhad them, where a strnger tells us something that is at ruth we hodl forever?  Anyway....

This concept really came to mind today watching Big Boy play with a friend of his.

The two of them met by chance... but there's no such thing.  A free class at a Gymboree.  They just... bonded on a climbing structure.  Instant smiles and knowing grins.  Of course the mom and I are now friends too.  Big Boy spent his time at this friends house while I was having Baby Girl quite off schedule.

These two... I dunno... they don't see each other with any regularity whatsoever... but they just always seem to pick up from where they left off.  It is really just so wonderful to see.

My friend called me for a last minute kid watching favor today, and I happily agreed.  It was during naptime... or no-nap time rather.  I went upstairs and told Big Boy his buddy was coming over.

When he heard their minivan pull up he ran out the front door and greeted her on the walkway with a big hug.  The two hugged eachother, and he led her back into the house.  The two quickly settled into a train activity.  I was sitting at a talbe nearby doing the "attentive, but not in their space" thing when I overheard Big Boy say, "I'm happy {friend}, it is so good to see you." and she looked at him, smiled and said "Well, [Big Boy] it's good to see you too."

Seeing these two was really wonderful.  I know that watching my children form relationships and facing the joys and sorrows related in them is going to be so incredible to me.  Hard for me to see them be sad or disappointed.  Beyond words wonderful to see them find joy in them.

I just keep getting amazed by life.

Time heals all wounds.

The dark clouds of sadness and anger receded over Big Boy's school issue.  The school itself seems to be slowly climbing out of the pit of the last two weeks.  Today at pickup time, moms I know peripherally or just a little bit seemed to make more of a point of smiling, greeting, hugging, giving knowing smiles of "this sucks, but we'll get by... our kids love it here, as do we."  It helped that I got to see a friend's new baby.  I had been remiss in getting in touch with her.. but told her honestly things for me are all kinds of crappy at the moment, and that's why I didn't call.... I have never lied!

School continues to be not so full of friends for Big Boy as it used to be.  Each day he notices more and more who is no longer there to play with.  He asks about his friends now.  He wants to play with so and so.. or wants so and so to come and "stay for a while".  He asks about the teacher now gone, " is he in trouble?" he asks.  A friend asks me how I to tell him what happened.  I tell her to hope she never has to tell her kid that kind of thing.  I simply told Big Boy the teacher would not be at school because he had made some bad choices and wouldn't be able to be at school anymore.

Seems the mommas of my moms group are giving each other space right now.  Turns out no one met up to "share notes" as had been planned.  As I feared.  Each family kept to themselves and made their decisions.  I found that out today when I called a friend to set up a playdate.  Big Boy misses her son something awful.  Apparently vice versa.  She and  her husband decided to not bring him back to school.

It felt so good to talk again.  She made a point of apologizing if she brought up anything I found insulting in our previous conversation... and I apologized as well.. letting her know that our conversation wasn't one that had me up in arms.  It hadn't been.  We made plans.  I know Big Boy will dance and act all kinds of outside himself to see his buddy again.

I spoke with another friend as well ( whose kid is not returning), and traded of some kid gear this last weekend.  We didn't see each other, but I spoke with her hubby.  We're all just worn; tired of talking  about it.. and feeling like it's just a  bum-rap all over.

I said that with some time I felt it was clear that while the controversy
was a nasty one, it seemed that the families who chose not to bring their children back to school were the ones who had not been at the school as long, or had had issues with the school for some time and this was the "straw that broke the camel's back".

Now that the decisions seem to be made, we can all move on.  there are no dangling judgments or "are you out or are you in" issues anymore.  The school is feeling better as we now know who is there to stay and who is gone now.  No more dangling.. hanging man... indecision or anticipation.

Yes, it's sad.  But we keep on keeping on and do our best every step of the way.

I've never seen such dust.  It looks like what I've imagined of the dust bowl.  The stuff never seems to settle.

The motorbike riders help each other out.  A South African cyclist broke his chain four times in one day and was pushing his bike through a trough of dusty sand.  Other cyclists do help out when they can.  One gave him a link for the chain so he could rebuild his chain and move on.

This leg of the race startes in the predawn hours.  So there was a lot of orienteering in the dark.  No gps.  They cross the border into Mauritania after a breakfast checkpoint.

It scares me a bit to see the motorcycles moving along in a seemingly constant state of fishtailing at over 100mph.

Cyril Despres!  OMG!!!  I can't believe it!  He was in first place, and CRASHED.  as in Big time.  As in... 2nd place and 3rd place came across his unconscious body in the desert and stopped!  They pushed the alarm on his bike ( activating a help sequence and the GPS signal).  Despres came to.... shook it off, and rode (in immense pain) the rest of the day's race with a possibly broken collarbone.  He came in 7th for the day, falling to second overall.  I'm amazing and kind of freaked by that.  I mean, that is a lot of pain.  Once he got to the medic tent in the bivouac, turns out he had a mere 2nd degree dislocation.  Now, THAT'S the kind of stuff I watch Dakar for! 

A Toureg (thank you De Villier!) is now in first.

Now,.... I notice these racers are all wear ing hernia belts.  HELLO rough riding. I can only imagine what that does to the insides... hours upon hours.  Some drivers are having a hard time with severe backpain.  I can only imagine.

Francisco Inocencio, while he was no true contender had a truly shot vehicle.  Wow.  His race was over.... seeing as only half of his engine remained.

My laughs today are provided by the trucks.  Catching air over sand dunes... and then seeing the inside footage of the driver, nav and mechanic... only being kept in place by their five point restraints that look more intricate than the one on Baby Girls carseat.  brutal.

yes, this race is warming up nicely.

Today's check in call on grandpa was a rough one.  Tears.

Grandma sounded tired.

They had spent the better part of the day at the ER.  While at the chemo transfusion center Grandpa screamed out and grabbed his chest.  Scared the bejezus out of everyone there.  Nurse running, alarms sounding.  They thought he was having  a heart attack.  Paramedics.  Sirens.  Doctors calling.  Tests, x-rays... blood.

What WAS it?  Hard to say from what i was told.... but what it sounds like is that grandpa is losing weight so fast and eating so little that there is definitely stress on his heart now.  His pulse is well above 100 regularly now, working for the lack of air.  When he takes oxygen the pulse lowers a bit, but it's still at least in the 90s.

I'm confused because I thought I had been told that he was eating.  "like a bird" grandma now says.  Now the story is changing.  Grandma was getting dinner together while we talked.  I don't know where Grandpa was.  apparently when I heard he was drinking his weight gainer shakes.. he's relly only drinking half of one as opposed to 4 a day.

Sink or swim, adapt or die?  I'm beginning to think Grandpa is chosing his actions more than his words to really tell us what is up here.

I'm so amazed at Grandma.  Going through this and handling it all.  Caring for the man of your life when he's sick is something I buckle just imagining.

My parents arrive there tonight.  Grandma called them on the road to let them know what was going on today.  I look forward to hearing more from them.  To hear more what other eyes see.