Jessica's Blog

I got an e-mail recently from an alumni group of my alma mater, Oberlin College.  It was some massive e-mail sent to all "African decendant alumni".  Don't get me started on the whole "black" "african american" "afro-decendant" topic.... but anyway.  I have no idea how many alum got this e-mail ( I do now.. and it was over 1700) but that e-mail was the start of my e-mail nightmare over the last few days.

See, a very well meaning alum started the e-mail group and just subscribed ALL the alumni he had info on.  He felt that with a  group so large, it would be easier to just go ahead and sign everyone up because those who would have no interest could just unsubscribe.  Not the best thought, but well meaning I suppose.

Anyway.  As anyone can imagine, my e-mail boxes are now filled with "please unsubscribe me" e-mails from a big load of folks who just hit "reply" to the badly planned e-mail group, thus sending it to EVERYONE in the group!  None of these poor folks are going to be unsubscribed, so I wonder how much longer i will be getting e-mails from them. 

Of course to unsubscribe, one needs to go to a website, enter the e-mail address to be unsubscribed to and click "yeah, I mean it, take me off the list".  I've done that, but now I have to just deal with the fact that individuals are sending me e-mail to unsubscribe because my spam filer may be awesome (mailbarricade) but it can't block normal folks from sending me e-mail.

it sucks.  We're talking about 30 e-mails a day.

Ironically and in IMHO sadly, one of the first massive e-mails sent to all Black alumni was an advertisement for SKIN LIGHTENING CREAM!!!  Poor taste and most likely a pyramid scheme.

how sad is that?

I realize now just how incredibly technological my Silicon Valley raised family is.  Or rather, how many folks are NOT.  I'll just keep my finger over the delete button and not get my hopes up at normal correspondence when I have numerous e-mails waiting for me.

Hubby did an amazing thing this weekend.  He took a three day weekend off of work.  This was wonderful and big news.  Yes, the days prior to our departure for our weekend away, he was working so hard!  There was a Sunday morning he left at 9am and didn't get home until 4am Monday morning, then to turn around and go right back to work on the 8:20am train.  It has been intense.  I was worried, but supportive the he might not be able to join us on our trip, but he woudl NOT have had that.  We had a wonderful weekend together camping.  Camping family style.

Prior to our trip, I was pretty burned out.  We all were.  We've been working real hard, anyone who knows me knows about how we're supportive and loving and understanding of the start-up lifestyle... but boy oh boy do we miss daddy something awful.  Well, I didn't get things done in preparation for the trip.  So instead of me getting stuff together and packing and shopping and writing lists, etc.  We all did all of it the day of departure.  That is unusual and not to my usual wiring.  I prefer to have all the stuff packed and then just have the drive and camp set up to do the day of.  It was more work, but we just took it easy and patiently and enjoyed that we were all together.

We camped at Manresa state beach.  Yes, the infamous beach I had the tough time with both kids at about a year ago!  We were meeting up with my friend Lindsay's yoga Mom group and joining them on their annual camping trip.  We had such a wonderful time.

Our first night there, Big Boy wanted to sleep with us.  He fell fast asleep cuddled up next to me for the first time in well over a year.  It was a glorious Mommy Moment.  I put him back to his bed eventually, once I wanted roll over and didn't want to bump him off the air mattress to the cold ground.  I luxuriated in those cuddles and just breathed them in.  So sentimental how those tender moments really do bring me back to when he was only a few months old and looked the same way when he slept. 

There were wonderfully blissful moments.  Moments I felt my spirit take a deep breath and sigh.  Saturday we decided to drive to Gayle's bakery in Capitola.  Big Girl fell asleep on the way there and I held my sleeping 21 months old in my arms for a good half hour before she decided to wake up and join us.  Glorious Mommy Moment, holding a sleeping little one, hearing her breath and feeling her warm soft body curved against mine.  We sat out on the patio in the not too warm sunshine. I got to look across the table at my "easy on the eyes" husband.  We got muffins for the kids, lemon bread for me and hubby.. and a double soy mocha that just soothed my soul.  We lingered as long as a family with a one year old and three year old could.  It was just so niiiiiice.  Fruit salad came with our second trip to the counter, after seeing it at another table, and then I caved and Hubby got us a dozen tollhouse cookies to bring back to camp.

Later that day on the beach, I lay on the blanket on the warm sand, next to Big Girl as she tried unsuccessfully to lull herself into a second nap.  She was rolling around on the quilt, asking me to put the towel over her "deese way" or "wite-heer", to sing this song or that song.. then she'd sing to herself, but couldn't get calm enough or cozy enough to really sleep.  So she decided to play in the sand instead.  Hubby and Big Boy were digging holes near the breakers and as the waves came in they would run away from the water.  The weather was like a warm bath, the sand was like a masseuse.  I had long moments of just sitting back and enjoying my family.  Nothing to do, nowhere to be but where we were.  best medicine.

In the mornings, kiddos climbed into bed with us to stay cozy until the sun came up further.  Hubby and I were not ready to rise and leave the tent yet, and it was quite chilly out.  It was beautiful, the four of us crammed onto the queen mattress looking up at the moisture drops on the tent walls and the near dead mosquito hawks in the fly.    Best family quality time ever.

Seeing the kids with Hubby was the best.  They were over the moon to be with him, get piggy back rides, throw skipping stones, dig tunnels, go on nature walks and treasure hunts.  I got to have Hubby next to me every night when I fell asleep.  It was wonderful.  Thank you, Hubby.  You provide for this family, you work so hard to do right by us and it does not go unnoticed.  It was so wonderful to have you all to ourselves for three days straight.  You are the best.

So, as our sweet daughter says with a big smile on her face... or sleepy face.. but always witht he same fevor and sheer volume
"Again??" or rather "AGAIN!  AGAIN!"

camping is king... kids have a blast, parents get whooped, and all sleep hard.. wake up sore and with good morning face to go for it all over again.  get dirty, smell like campfire.  And when you get home, thinking you got a tan.. take a good hot shower and realize, it wasn't a tan... just dirt!

Today was Big Boy's evaluation at The New School.  I might feel like putting names in soon, but for now, not so much.

I played with Big Girl around the campus and in reality it was just a very behaviorally acceptable form of PACING.  Big Boy seemed really happy to be back and was all smiles and saying hello to the other students he saw.

The eval went very well.  The director sat across the table telling me wonderful things about my son such that my eyes nearly welled up.  "If we are lucky enough to have him join us", she said a few times.  How proud I am of him, how much he's grown, how much he knows, how much more he wants to learn.  Big Boy got on my cell phone to Hubby and the first thing he said to him was "Daddy.... they really really like me!"  It was a real kick in the pants to hear someone say such wonderful things about Big Boy that I always knew were there. 

So now we've got more thinking to do.  Financial planning to do.  Yes, I have already called the family and they were over the moon thrilled about what the director had to say.  My mom and I sighed about how when God wants to punish you , he answers your prayers. 

Later in the day, while doing puzzles together I mentioned, (in the oh-by-the-way way mothers mention things to be sure we're on the same page) that if he decides he wants to go to the New School, he won't be going to the preschool anymore.  Was he ready to say goodbye to the preschool?  Without missing a beat, he looked me in the face and said "[teacher] will be ok, I think."

onwards we go.  I felt like today was one of those days Big Boy grew up all at once.  He was beaming all day, and tonight said he wanted to call [the director] to talk about shapes and colors and books.  I thought that was sweet.

a secret evil snack of mine is the cheeto.  crunchy, orange, powdery, cheesy, finger stainy horribleJUNK FOOD.  I only get them about three times a year with a sandwich at a togos or subway.  I don't keep them aroung the house.  Friends know the only way I look like I do is because I do my very best to model healthy eating and excersice to the kids... so ... cheetos aren't here.

Well...here's a lesson on why you should never shop at costco while hungry.  There it was on the shelf... Natural No preservatives, no artificial flavors, no artificial colors, organic cornmeal,  Cheetos white cheddar puffs. 

I thought "huh, that seems okay to try as a treat."

I have to hide these things from myself now.  Just this one bag and I am not allowing myself to buy anymore!    Poofy, cheesy and a lot lot less guilt?  Organic to boot. eek.  I packed some to a movie for "me and the kids" and well.. I ate most of them.  They are sitting on the couch next to me right now.... staring at me.. saying "C'mon Jess.... you know you can have just two or three more..."

Beware my friends.... just because it's made of not so bad stuff DOES NOT make it NOT junk food!!  run away!  run away!  Frito Lay you are the devil!!!!!

Today Hubby mentioned what we paid for electricity last month.  While I wasn't totally aghast, I did get some wheels turning.

I grew up during the 10+ years during which California was in a drought.  A serious draught.  As a preschooler I remember dad pouring bath water into the toilet to flush it.  I have no memory of green lawns, except for in southern cali... those water stealing bastards!  ha!  HOA members complained about Dad washing his car in the driveway.  One bucket of soapy water, water to wet, water to rinse.  Far less than a carwash, but all the carwashes were closed down.  Except for in Southern Cali (refer to above).  We were well trained to sailor shower.  Those who don't know ( in other words, didn't grow up here as middle class kiddos) what that means:  you get wet, you shut off the water and lather yourself up.  You rinse off.  That's your shower!  I joked with my mom about this today, and she remembered a cousin visiting from Japan... this cousin was brushing her teeth and was leaving the water running THROUGHOUT THE BRUSHING PROCESS and my mom's heart was palpitating.  TURN OFF THE WATER UNLESS YOU ARE USING IT!!!  We

I remember when traveling I would ask "Is there a draught here?" and if not.. I would luxuriate in a shower with the water on the whole time.  My sister told me that she was so trained, that folks at John Hopkins asked her why she faked ending her showers all the time.... she was in lush Maryland, but just couldn't leave the water running.  Me, not so much.  As soon as I hit Ohio for Oberlin education, I loved my shower time.  Far from the halting experience at home.. and Oh wow!  I forgot... In high school on swim team we would tag team jump into the stream of water at the pool for shower time.  comical and kinda kinky.

Maybe this is why I love rain so much?  I was so deprived growing up.

It got me thinking, ironically as I sat under the hot stream of shower this am.. just standing and letting the steam surround me...letting the heat seep into my tight as rocks shoulders.  How wasteful am I now that we're out of draught?

So now I'm giving this "I was raised in it" stuff another go.  I mean I have no memories of  being nagged about "wasting"  electricity or water or gas.  It was on School House Rock.  If you aren't in the room, the lights should not be on in that room.  If your clothes are mostly dry after 40 minutes, don't dry them for 60.  Ceiling fans only matter if your in the room, if you're not in the room.. turn off the fans.  If you aren't using the water, it shouldn't be on.  So brushing teeth, washing face, doing dishes, peeling veggies; so many opportunities to turn off the water in there.

Are these things to teach my kiddos and raise them in?  My guess is that it wouldn't hurt.  Just another set of manners toward the earth most folks don't bother with.

I got wind of a fun website giving easier to live by tree-huggin lifestyle.

http://idealbite.com/

I don't see myself as much of a tree-hugger... but definitely one who hopes to preserve the planet in a more grounded way.  I like the site because the premise is that you can sign a bajillion petitions, but get real!  the only way to effect change is in how you spend your dollar.  Nice and realistic.

Anywho.... Hubby at work late tonight.  Think I'll go make myself a snack!

For a moment today I could hardly breath.  My eyes welled up and I could hardly breath.

I NEEDED to talk to my grandpa.

I NEEDED to know what he thought of Big Boy's schooling ideas.  I wanted to hear his wisdom, I wanted to know what he thought.  I needed for him to make fun of me.  To tell me I was full of shit and to get over such an issue because it wasn't all THAT important.  I NEEDED him to help me laugh at myself and move on.  I NEEDED him to tell me he loved me and that I was a good kid, even if I wasn't worth a nickel in Chine-y money.

It hit me like a ton of bricks.  I was frozen.

Slowly I pulled it together.  While I think it's fine to show emotions to kids, I also am not too nuts on scaring my kids with sudden emotional break downs.

This was the first time this happened since he passed.  The first time I felt near desperate for a conversation with him.  I calmed when I just listened, because as corny as it may sound... he'll still talk to me whenever I want to listen.

Yesterday was Grandma Toni's birthday!  We sent a beautiful batch of flowers.  Big Boy, who usually demands to call Toni the Great refused to get on the phone.  He knew it was her birthday.

Then he deciced just before bed, he wanted to speak with her.  I got him the phone and as soon as he could tell her something he said in a heartbroken tone:

" I wanted to come to your party today, but Mommy said I COULDN;T!  She said it's too hot!"

Mystery unravelled.  He was furious that he couldn't be with her on her birthday and she was touched.  She did soothe him that she didn't have a party that day.  It was decided we'd go visit her near Big Boy's birthday.. then it will be cool enough and we can celebrate her birthday, Big Boy's birthday and Big Girl's birthday too.

I thought it was funny that Big Boy blamed me for his lacking appearance a 14 hour drive away!

About a month or so ago, Big Boy decided he wasn't so crazy about his school anymore.  He had trouble putting words on it, but he would say "It's just too much"  or "there's just too many kids".  Big Boy is a quiet natured little guy who likes his space and while playing with others is nice, he does tend to feel crowded from  time to time.  This is something that will be in his life from here on out, so I talked him through it a bit.  At the same time, I started to scratch my head about how much longer this school would work for him.

I love the school.  For two year olds there's nothign better in learning how to use words, communicate respectuflly with playmates and get dirty dirty dirty and play play play and learn A LOT while doing it.  Multi-age grouping is also truly great in how they learn from each other.  but...

Many of his old crew of buddies have moved on to more "academic" preschools.  Those of you who read my blog who don't have children yet, please try hard not to gag.  Most have moved on to the local batch of academic preschools that have numerous campuses.  I not so lovingly refer to these schools as the Starbucks of preschool education.  I know I know.. that is cruel and uncalled for, but they advertise on PBS before Berenstain Bears is on... for the love of Pete!  Also, the one now ex-mom of my mom's group who dumped me raved about the school.  Two moms I love and respect send their kids there and swear by it... but it's far, leaves a funny taste in my psyche, and I really don't want to hang out with  Miss Judgy Van Holier Than Thou any time soon if avoidable... btw  dear friends with PSXL!

Then Big Boy said it about school.  "Its just too noisy, it's nervousing my nerves."  aha.  Got it.  Thank you Big Boy for saying it every way you know how... you are asking for more structure.  I get it.  I mentioned this to his teacher and she (in a haze of morning time) said "I would have to agree with you, [Big Boy]"

I toured a local small school that's private that has a curriculum/ philosophy  that just kicks butt.  But then the voices started haunting me.  Research shows children introduced too early to academia  burn out early.  Play  and pure experiential interaction is the only way for children to enjoy learning.  DON'T for the love of all that is sacred about childhood rob your child of such joyful time in the sandbox to learn something so esoteric as reading or *god forbid* a foreign language.  Don't destroy their self-esteem by stressing them out.  Again, friends who read this and don't have kids.. please practice empathy here.  I do see childhood as sacred and just want to do the best for my kid, here!

I decided to let Big Boy go and check out the school for himself.  The school supported his visit, so this morning we went in for a visit time.  It was during the pre-K french lesson.  Yeah, yeah, I know!  Now, here's the kicker!  He LOOOOVED it.  He said he liked "other kids with skin like me", and he liked it a lot.  When our observation time was done, and I said it was time to say bye-bye, he said "bye bye momma!"  Of course at that time, Big Girl was trying to speak French with the teacher and playing with fake food and learning french food names.  The teacher told her (in french) "It was lovely to meet you, maybe in a couple years, YOU will be in my class, my dear."

Yeah, I get by in French.

Thus began my mental acrobatics.  He says he's ready, he shows me he's ready.  The school is small with lots of individual attention, I like how the kids are spoken to and speak with the adults.  The lessons all involve movement, so while they are getting into the whole concept of "seat work", they are not seated too much.  One draw back.... Big Boy said the play structure was "too splintery" because it's made of wood.  he didn't test his theory. *smile*.

So I called them back and set up "an evaluation".  yeah, this is a practice whereby you pay a butt load (or a half cheek load) for the director to play with your kid for a half hour to see if they are worthy of attending said school.

I've talked to friends, family members etc about the whole academic thing and well, when it comes down to it, it's our decision.  Ours as in, Big Boy and us.  So where do we go from here?  Well, now we get to see if this school finds that he is as awesome as we know he is.  Hey, if it's not for us, that's really ok.  There are so many options right now and it's good to do this kind of search when we really are NOT in a rush to move him.

My mom was supportive of the idea saying how he was so young when he started talking, how he uses the computers with ease etc etc.. and how research shows it is beneficial to introduce languages early.  My dad was supportive of the school, but later on, when he's older.

A woman I respect immensely when it comes to the topic of early childhood education asked me to consider what I consider to be education.  Consider the packaging... does it matter if the lesson is learned in a physics lesson for kids or in a water tub at home.  For me it's really the same either way, but when the kid says they prefer to learn the lesson in the tub or the class; that's when a parent might want to take heed.

I do have a secret hope this works out because I would love to speak French with my son. 

Good news... only one mild fever today so far.  Big Boy is mellow and quiet, but not near comatose. so I'm keeping my fingers crossed for a return to life tomorrow.  Baby Girl is getting quiet and broodish... hopefully with a good nap and easy day.. she will not get ill.

We had to go get cat food today.  as in HAD TO.  I decided to stroller the kids.  Get them some sunshine.  Get some exercise myself.  I went to a *gasp* privately owned petshop up the street.  It wasn't a petco.  It wasn't a petsmart.  Part of trying to live a bit more green.  It was a pleasure talking with actual owners of a store.  A small store.  Yeah, I got a different food, so we'll see how fat Max and Cleo manage.  The kids didn't get lost and had a lot of fun looking at sleeping baby bunnies.  The stroller ride was a success, we saw firefighters (the same that were here last week, actually.. but that's another story).  The kids got muffins to munch on and the fresh air did us all some serious good.

I called a friend in the same complex for some blatant socialization.  Turns out she's in the same boat... but worse.  Gotta say, sick infant, active preschooler and breast infection easily trump sick preschooler and overly active toddler!  We had a good commiseration call and I told her I'd pick her up some infant's tylenol on the way home from the pet shop.. ( a Long's is on the way home).

Life continues to be good.  We'll get to swim on Wed.

I had just finished my third errand of the morning with Big Girl in tow when my cell phone started ringing and ringing.

"Hello?"
"Hi Jessica, this is Shannon from Campbell CDC. [Big Boy] has come down with a fever of 102.6, can you come get him?"
"Oh no!  Poor guy... I'm on my way.. I should be there in less then five minutes, I'm, right up the street."
"It came on pretty quick, he sat down for storytime and wouldn't get up from the chair."
"Ok.  I'm on my way."

So I get there, and there he in in a ball on their "comfy chair".

"I was waiting for you..." he says.. all red and glassy-eyed.

I wondered what was up, because he was crying last night in his sleep and actually wanted me to stay with him.. and was making sure I stayed with him.  He was weeping saying his back hurt.  We ended up sharing his bed half the night, him in a ball against me first time in over a year.  I didn't mind it so much.  No fever and he seemed his usual morning grumpy self this morning.

I was thinking a trip to the doc would be good.  Just because of the Low back pain and sudden high fever out of nowhere.  Bladder or kidneys?

His ped agreed, but after some time and peeing in  a cup... I'm being warned to look out for vomiting and diarrhea as that's the bug of the week in school aged kiddos right now.  IF he starts making frequent trips to the bathroom... y'knwo the drill.  Oh, and don't be surprised if Big Girl (yup, changing her name, as she's getting all tall and leggy now) should come down with it in the next three or four days.

So... no swim lessons today.  No school tomorrow.  I hate to think this way but I can't help but get the image of some greenbacks flying out of our bank account into the void of  "sorry, no refunds due to illness".

Social graces come into play when kids aren't so healthy.  Don't expose the world to their germs, but by all means go out of your head with about a week or so of self inflicted quarantine.  harumpf.  I'm just feeling this way because week before last it was the same thing, but due to snotty noses and fever.  The week in between friend's kids had the snotty nose fever thing.  So time flies by but creeps along slowly as we lose weeks of time getting healthy.

I hope Big Girl doesn't catch it.  I REALLY hope I don't, because Hubby CAN NOT take time off work right now and I don't want to expose my mom to it.. as she's the only person I could call "just in case".  I am rendered useless once I start hurling my guts out.  fever, no prob.. pneumonia and fever.. no biggie, but if you want me to be flat out... give me a stomache virus and I'll be hurling and flat out in bed for two days at least.  I might be putting the wagon before the horse here... I'm just dozens of times bitten and quite a bit shy.  I was in the mind set of starting hte summer fun schedule of swim lessons, music together, toddler parent playtime and preschool.

and now I will go enjoy a movie with Big Boy and hold his little feverish body close.

I pole.

ipole.

Yes, there. *big sigh of letting the cat out of the bag*  I said it.  I, Jessica.... know how to work a pole.  But to be totally honest; it sure as shit doesn't feel like a workout;  until afterward when my legs are shaking, I have bruises, and  sweat dripping down my back and chest.

Oh!  You dirty minded people,  I'm talking about dancing! Erotic, sensual,... or strip dancing.

I know I know.  I thought I was all cool and fun for doing it, but the more tv I watch, the more I hear that it's a "craze".  Mind you... a pretty tough one.

It started innocently enough.  I glanced at an add in the local newspaper rag.  A pretty picture of a gorgeous blonde with asmile on her face and the word "ipole" on a tight fitting tank top.  the add talked about classes for sensual dance or pole classes.  It talked about girl parties or bachelorette parties.  I tucked it into the back of my mind.

Then I saw a very funny episode of "King of Queens".  The character Carrie gets manipulated into have a pole installed into the master bedroom.  She starts to really enjoy it and wants to put on more and more shows for Doug... but... she sucks at it!  In my head I wondered.. could I pull it off?    Or would I be as off base as her?  I immediately got online.

www.sedusastudios.com.  I will spare myself plugging the studio beyond saying that they are wonderful women, wonderful classes and have been a tru high point in my life lately.  Even if I do develop bruises later.

Then, I made a phonecall.  Next thing you know, I am learning to walk, ever haltingly at first... in six inch high stillettos.  Oh yeah, baby.  Black patent leather mary jane gone sluty on top of clear acrylic sole... three inches at the ball of the foot and high and hard core stiletto points on the heels.

I started the class at a point when I desperately needed something big and new to take my mind off of "things" aka my at that point ill grandfather.  Yes, it was an albeit different approach, but a very therapeutic one.  Grandpa passed before I finished my first class.  But I kept taking them!

Ok, here's the bare bones.  It is a half hour of pretty good workout of the pilates/yoga nature done in a pretext of sensuality.  Slow is the only way to go.  Cat and Cow of yoga fame becomes " cat tail".  We rise up like a goddess, or sleeping beauty.  But most important.... always always come up "sedusa style".  The floor workout pre-dancing is a lot of abdominal work as well.  Then come the shoes.

True dancer transformation happens with the shoes.  The low lights, hard core thumping music and shiny dancing poles really help.. but once you learn how to strut around confidently, slowly and seductively in six in stilettos; you feel like you've really accomplished something. 

It's addictive.

At first you can enjoy class.  But then.... you just have to have more!  you learn a dance to practice at home.  All requiring strength, grace, stamina, playfullness, and a serious sense of pure self indulgent sensuality.

I've taken a few classes now.  They have cool titles like "the tease", "the flirt", "the desire" and then of course lap dancing.  I can climb a pole, I can merry go round, fall like an angel, classic spin.  names of moves are pretty cool: double raindbow, cat tail, horse shoe, naughty girl,  booty pump, cat scratch, among others.  I feel I know my way around a pole.  I also feel I can say I don't have the "Carrie downfall" I mentioned earlier.

I decided to come out of the closet with this one.  Of the activties I have had in the evening that Hubby has had to come home early for, this is one he's NEVER been late getting home for.  Even if I've been ill and said "Not sure if I can go..... don't worry about it"  he gets home "just in case you change your mind."

So yes, it may be a craze.  Yes it may be a fad... but ladies, girlfriends, those who like to get down to good music and melt away in it.... go for it!  Next thing you know..,. you'll be buying up the lingerie rack, checking into a brazilian wax, and wanting a "newer" pair of stilettoes.. maybe the hip-boot ones or the ones with the LEDs in them????

I'm still wanting to get together a ladies night out of "the local friends" to enjoy a few laughs and teach a few moves.  But I want to warn them : don't get trashed before puttin on the shoes!  You could get hurt!!

hoping I provided you with a good chuckle..
goodnight all

This is off topic for me as a SAHM mom chasing kids, navigating mommy politics and supporting friends, doing cool wife stuff I won't share...  But it just struck me again... and I'm noticing just how much I miss it.

There is such a  joy to watching a film in another language... KNOWING the subtitles aren't exactly right and laughing at jokes before folks can read the words.

I miss reading the french version of Vogue or other french mags.  The joy of reading a different language.  yeah.. Baudelaire etc.  It titillates my mater gris.

I would love to re-learn Spanish.  I had a few years in elementary school and can understanding half of every Spanish conversation.  Very helpful when working in middle schools in Mountain View to keep kids on their toes that they weren't speaking in code... but not enough to enjoy speaking it.  I still order my burrito in english, but will correct my mom's spanish if she orders incorrectly!

I've fantasized about being an interpreter.

I think it stems from a love of understanding people in their own language.  Of being able to listen to their words directly.  Of loving the idea of travel (even though I always got sick or wayyyyy jet lagged).  Who knows, maybe it stems from this recent press hatred of immigration stuff.  A topic I am honestly conflicted about.

This isn't what I usually write about.  But I was behooved to do it.

All the other momma/ wife/ kids/ yadda yadda stuff just didn't' hit me tonight.

-Jess
 

The kids and I had a vacation last weekend.  We took a trip to my grandma's house (aka GGma).  My bio-mom joined us down there for a Mother's Day extended weekend.  We had a BLAST. 

I was more than in need of a change of scene and bit of rest.  Many of you have been reading about my fighting exhaustion.  This did the trick, for sure.  Being in company of other awesome women, laughing, telling stories, playing with kiddos, and sharing a couple tears as well.  Funny how that's rarely a prescribed healing practice.  RETREAT!

The trip was awesome.  I didn't exactly sleep more, but I did score myself one nap (that lasted about 4 hours!).  My mom and grandma would play with the kiddos for a hour or so at a time and then they'd take naps afterward for about an hour or so!  It was funny.  Having them around was priceless.  I was grateful and they got an idea of just what I do during the day ;-)  always good.

I got the greatest gifts a mom of two little ones could get!  I got 1) early AM childcare for my early rising Baby Girl so I could sleep in until about 7:30AM! 2) Dinners prepared or delivered each night! 3) warm sunny sun and a salt water swimming pool for fun in the sun with the kiddos! 3)  Time to SIT DOWN and no need to constantly clean up and pick up or chase them or break up fights!!  In fact they didn't fight as much because there were so many things to do and so many grown ups to be with.... they kept busy.  They also slept well after wearing themselves out.

Yes I did laundry and made breakfast and lunches for my kids... diaper duty, baths clothing etc.. BUt in grandma's kitchen and as soon as they ate, they were off to play with "Muhghi" or "ggma". 

After a couple days of watching the effect my babes had on my women elders I realized with a smile that I am far from depressed.  I love my kids exceedingly and a bit too much!  I go above and beyond for them on a daily basis and they return the favor with "I love yous" and kisses and hugs... I look forward to maybe having another and at the same time,  I am simply exhausted.

They are great travelers, big boy and baby girl.  They are sweet, patient, gently mannered, well-liked by folks kids that do great "on the road".  I learned I can easily travel with them.  Yeah, it's work, but I never once felt like I couldn't do it or regretted trying it out.  We had fun.  I'd do it again funds and time allowing anytime.

We missed Daddy.  Hubby was home working hard weekends and weekdays until the wee hours.  partly because it was needed, but also partly because as he put it "Why go home if you're not there?!?!"  The cats were happy to see us return ;-) While we were out he cleaned the garage!  He got the cars detailed!  It was killer getting picked up in a transformed back to new car from "mommy car" Odessey.  We had quite the rude awakening at drop off time when we saw what lurked beneath the removed  car seats!  While we missed Hubby a lot, the trip was definitely beneficial.  Yeah, we now have colds (Mom and Grandma do to, actually).  We wore ourselves out with fun, and now being home is just fine.

Never discount the importance of having a change of scene.  It doesn't need to be a fancy vacation or a resort adventure.  Just getting to a different place for a day or so really does help the psyche, breaks the routine and helps revitalize...even if more sleep isn't part of the deal.

Thank you Mom and Grandma Toni.  I know you were thanking me too, but I am grateful to my core for all the fun fun fun we had with the kiddos while with you.  You filled up my heart.

turns out the roach was an outdoor only roach.

They exterminator didn't want to take my money for something easily handled by Yard Guard from the local hardware store.

The ick factor:  He said this particular bug (Oriental roach) will be seen a lot more real soon because Santa Clara county laid off the exterminator team that handled the roaches in the sewers.  He said that now they are coming out of the sewers and popping up all over San Jose, Willow Glen and Campbell.

"It probably hitched a ride inside on someone's pants.  Just check your pants when you stand on your top step and sweep them off before coming inside, as they live in the shrubs out front and along that white picket fence there."

We are advised to treat the garage and garbage cans.. this one may have come up the stairs from the garage.

I asked him about the junebug cross breeding and that the roaches aren't afraid of light.  He smiled and said "I don't think roaches fear much of anything anymore."

thanks, Orkin man!

heh heh ew!

I had a horrible surprise discovery this AM while making myself some breakfast.

I opened the kitchen utensil drawer  to a VERY LARGE insect of the ROACH persuasion in my kitchen.  My kitchen.  Neat knick nightmare kitchen keeper Jess. 

Yeah.  I kinda squealed and slammed the drawer shut.  Took a deep breath... calmed the children who were asking "what is it, Momma?  What is it, Momma????"  I got a sippy cup I had no intention of using ever again, captured the butt ugly soon to rule the earth emmer effer and took it outside.  Yes, took it outside; as in... went to the front door and hurled the cup, lid and all into the hedges outside, slammed the door and did an "icky icky" dance and prompty washed my hands.

Never in my life have I been host to a roach.  Ants of course.... too many invasions haunt my memory and cause me to be ultra neat and seal things up in the kitchen...I thought I found a roach once in our old house, but it was a potato bug.  I'm quite certain this ugly thang was the real McCoy.  Big as my thumb, but flat with long ass antennae and dark mahogany brown.

I immediately called a exterminator.  I was reassured it has nothing to do with my cleanliness.. most likely a neighbor or "it may have caught a ride home from Costco in a box flat".  I was given a possible description of what particular breed of roach it was, signed up for HELP and they will be by tomorrow AM after Big Boy's parent teacher conference is done.  I was given the exterminator line that is so not reassuring that if I saw one, there are probably quite a few more in the walls.  lovely thought.

I spoke with the Dir. of Big Boy's school and told her about my discovery.  She groaned an understanding groan and said "due to OUR neighbors" (they are between two different lunch type eateries) They sadly come across roaches from time to time in the side storage yard.  Then she told me something that just was.. well, WRONG!

This is what is making friends heads spin when I tell them the story.  She said, "Y'know.... one of the reasons why you were probably able to capture it is because, well, they have (in this area) cross bread with junebugs, thus causing them to no longer be fearful of light.  they don't scamper anymore, and they are a little slower to catch."

***SHUTTER***

Under advisement of the customer service operator.. I went outside and retrieved the offending thing (in the sippy cup) and sealed the cup in  a ziploc baggie and thumb-tacked it to our bulletin board.  Big Boy really wants to see this bug that has caused so many phonecalls.. I've reassured him that when "the bug man" comes tomorrow, he will likely take out the bug and Big Boy can get a good look.

I have not seen another one, never saw one before... butnow I have a heebie-jeebie feeling whenever I reach for a drawer or cabinet pull.  Ah, city living.

They may inherit the earth.... cross breeding, becoming immune to bug sprays.. loving radio active waste.. but those buggers sure as heck will not set up in my walls if I have anything to do with it!

*huff, puff huff puff*

I meant to put out there a thank you to my good friends who CALLED and wanted to talk to me about my being so tired.  And thank you to those leaving comments as well.  It really helped me feel so very loved.  I know that's a little corny, but we all know how it feels in those dark emotional alleyways when things feel kind of lonely and alienated.  You all really lifted my spirits and helped me get more motivated to self-care myself a bit.

I have been feeling better... resting more, and making more plans with hubby and vacation with the kiddos, meals with friends.  I feel better day by day and today was physically rough and emotionally rough as well on the preschooler front... so I'm dragging a bit, but ok.

I did notice something though.  I was cleaning out our storage unit this AM and opened up box after box of photos of my dad as a little boy and a photo (friends probably remember this one) of my great grandmother holding my grandfather when he was just 2 years old.  All was good, but driving to pick up Big Boy at school, my eyes welled up a bit and while I was FINE... I immediately felt tired out and like I wanted to sleep.  So... yup. grief processing is exhausting for me.  Good to know, I'll keep on keeping on and I feel much better, bit by bit.