Busy day. All good. Dont' feel like writing much. Think I'll go downstairs and knit for a bit, and watch the boob tube.
Or maybe I'll just go to bed?
I do have stuff up in my head but I'm not sure about how to write about it or share about it without upsetting someone. So...
ni-night!
Couldn't we all just get along?
Ummm guess kinda NOT?
oh well.
I spent some glorious time surfing blogs of more Blogher conference people. Just going to one then finding a link to another.. then another... Next thing I knew about an hour had gone by and my self-kept "quiet time" was up.
Now. *deep breath*
as my dear Black Eyed Peas Will I Am would say "People acting like they ain't got no mommas". But then again, it appears that mommas were the big controversy at the conference this year. Thankfully THANKFULLY I was only there for one day and was having an "off" day anyway such that I didn't breath in too much of said toxicity. But now that I am scanning writing over... I found my heart sinking a bit.
About me: I am a San Francisco native. Born of a loving (although still headed to splitsville) well educated interracial couple who relocated from LA because they didn't want my sister and I growing up around so much racial/ cultural/ differences in general hatred. It worked. Maybe a little too well? Seems I spend a good deal of my adult life reeling over how freaking hateful folks can be over the least little thing. I see an opportunity for sisterhood and folks are blogging about how "someone mistook ME for a mommy-blogger" or "get these fake boobed home improvement bitches away from me" PLEASE KNOW I AM PARAPHRASING AND I AM NOT LINKING!
I kind of find it funny.
See the forest through the trees, my dear women bloggers!
Reading these blogs did give me some more ooomf to write more what I really think about things, because it's clear that writing what you really think and feel is what is making blogging so revolutionary.
Now, I do have to go run and buy a new tank for the fishtank.... long story.... but I have got to tell you.... Susie Bright left a comment on my blog. How cool is that? Little, miniscule, new , wet behind the blogging ears me.... I have to send her a pic and keep in touch.
And yes... I DID call my dad and tell him about it. He was very happy for me. He's probably wondering what's up with his daughter.. (now mother of two) doing this whole pole/ sensual dancing, blogging, star struck over sexuality writer, but I know he's damned proud.
A true test of motherhood is when you find both of your children, (three and one year old )suddenly engulfed in a swarm of wasps.
"come away! Come away!" I holler waving my arms as I realize the wasps are growing exponentially in number.
Big Boy jumps off the bench and runs... but Honey Girl is confused. She so little still. She can't make sense of what is going on. The wasps start to land on her and she curls her arms close to herself and squeezes her eyes shut as they go for her face. I'm running. Time does that bizarre morphing thing. All I know is that I saw one wasp... blinked.. then there were 20.
Running INTO a swarm of wasps? Now, that's motherhood.
Honey Girl is fine. She held me tight. She wept super quietly while I looked her over to be sure she was ok. She pointed to her lip, her cheek, her arm, her leg, her eyebrow when I asked as calmly as I could if she was hurt. I know she was horrified.... the quieter and calmer Honey Girl seems.... the more scared she is... could she be more like me? I don't think so. Thankfully, she came away with only on bite/sting; (whatever those evil buggers do) on her forearm and the swelling went down after an hour or so. She was definitely aware of every place they landed. thankfully one one took her to be a real threat.
Yay! No wasp allergy! Can you see I'm making lemonade?
"I just ran away" is what Big Boy says if asked about that moment. "[Honey Girl] got a bee sting."
All the kids did was sit on a bench in front of our townhouse after a walk around the neighborhood. We didn't see the wasp nest built under the seat. yeah, maintenance got quite a call about that as soon as we got inside. Honey Girl now scatters and comes running to me when she sees flying insects, and says "quiet please" when Big Boy asks questions about how bees pollinate and make honey. She is so brave and wonderful I know she'll be back to not minding bees so much soon... but boy howdy that is a moment I will not soon forget... ever.
I went to the lovely and wonderful BlogHer conference last Saturday.
Now, to get this part out of the way... How cool is Hubby? He took the kids to the Grand Prix twice. Twice? You ask. Oh yes. Twice. The first time was a false start.. see, the morons do not allow strollers into the event at all. So, he had to come BACK home, put Honey Girl (new name I'm trying out now) into the backpack and get BACK on the train and go BACK to the gate to start again. He got them hot dogs and got home in time for Honey Girl's naptime. Oh, OH! He got them earplugs.... AND they wore them! How cool is that? Props to Hubby. He not only got me the ticket to BlogHer because he thought I'd enjoy it, but he showed the kids a great time , to boot. Thank you Love..... you rock, as always and ever.
Now to BlogHer. I have not been to a conference in so long, I was wowed and jazzed and basically dumbstruck. The bags of shwag were cool. Driving the Saturn Sky was quite unimpressive (but I was not surprised at that). The munchies were fine, not stellar; and the water was nasty (some new french bottled nightmare), but the Yahootinis were *rather* tasty. Good thing I had no cash.. or I'd have had more than one, stayed too long, said too much, and probably landed in the pool at some point.
I have not written since BlogHer because I have been made utterly brain shy. Brain dead. Intimidated? I have realized HOW MANY OTHER people.. wonderful women... mothers especially... are doing what I'm doing, and doing it so much effing better. A whole world of celebrity and topics and issues I have been blessedly oblivious to were all there.
I did not know Dooce... but holy FUCK do I know who she is now. I have enjoyed Woulda Coulda Shoulda and enjoyed seeing her in person and hearing her talk. Ariana Huffington was there too, and I took a camera phone pic from a safe distance... didn't quite get up the gumption to go bug her.
But I have to admit. I went goo goo ga-ga freakish brainfart groupie when I got up the balls to go meet Susie Bright! I know my friend Melaine is rolling her eyes while reading this. She was there and witnessed the idiocy first hand. I got flabbergasted. Dumb. I knew it was Susie Bright sitting by the pool looking like anyone else..., but walked up to her without a thought of what to say. Bad idea. Dont' go in unrehearsed... at least in your own head, right?
What do you say to a woman who brought sex out of the closet and made writing about it such an art? What do I say to a woman who has given me so many happy moments? To the woman who has me thinking often about writing erotica and not this self absorbed bloggy stuff? What do i say to this icon who is kept in (sort of) secrets and shadows?
"You are so awesome and I want to thank you for all you have done. I missed your panel due to utter stupidity... but I am so happy to meet you. Your work is.... " I dont' know where it went from there... the verbal diarrhea was flowing all too well.
But you know what? She gave me a Clits Up! pin and some shwag for her audio.com casts "In Bed With Susie Bright". She was so nice. All kindness, bright green eyes and accepting. She seemed tickled that I would go word stupid with her. I was such a mess... (stupid yahootini!) she even took a picture with me (after MUCH fumbling for my cell phone). She was really cool. All I can hope is to meet her again or GO TO her effing panel and not just sit here at home watching the webcast of it after the fact. I wanted to call my Mom and Dad and say "I met Susie Bright!!!" in the same way my sis might say she met Amy Grant. har har har.
Thank You Ms. Bright. Thou art Goddess.
This is a good segway about what I really did take home from the conference. Aside from the shwag... considerable amounts of it, and two t-shirts. I was moved by the panel on writing naked.
Writing naked is putting your truest thoughts and truest self out in a blog or on the internet. No holds barred. What are the responsibilities? What are the ramifications? What are the ethics in this case? Some on the panel had their writings used against them in the worst of ways, and others chose to write in true anonymity after being burned.
This is something I have struggled with a LOT in my blog. I have been quite inhibited. I have withheld oh so much due to fear of ramifications, being pegged or put in a box. I'm considering doing multiple blogs, maybe some anonymously for different topics. Do I dare? Do I even have the bandwidth to do so much writing? Or, would it be a glorious catharsis of pent up fiction? Or am I just kidding myself, and no on reads my pithy idiotic musings anyhow?
In the end... there is a lot I am leaving out about my thoughts on BlogHer. Maybe it will trickle out later? Or maybe next time you check out my blog it will have had a face lift and a whole bunch of new stuff on it. And so I grow.... and read butt loads of new blogs I got while there.
Oh yeah.... San Jose's Grand Prix is on, baby. It is ON!
I decided to pry the kids out of the house for a walk into downtown to get a feel and see the sights of what all this Grand Prix stuff is about. We know none of the buses or train are running quite right, but what else is switched about down there? Had to go catch a look see. Another wonderful *yay! we live downtown* day.
The kids got wriggly and giggly with excitement. As we strolled under 87 going up Santa Clara Blvd.. we could hear the NEEEEeeeerrr! of the cars racing about the streets on their "track" . Rather loud and exceedingly cool. Now, the whole of downtown is gated off, cops all over, event staff herding people here and there. There are cherry pickers with camers crews and risers that go up about two floors high. Pretty suh-weet. Here is all of this event noise and clear hulabaloo, but at the same, time folks in suits and such clearly having nothing to do with it strolling along the streets heading home for dinner or out for a date. Good people watching.
Baby Girl started chanting "tickets, tickets, momma." and Big Boy really wanted to "go in NNNOoooowwww!" I had a bit of a mutany on my hands until a security guard said the magic words in front of the kids "Sorry, Miss. All tickets for today have been sold and this is just the last bit of racing for the day." That was all the kids needed to hear to be calm at only getting peeks of the racing over the fences and track boundary.
Big Boy does not like riding on shoulders. Never has. BUT when I picked up up onto my shoulders so he could see the cars.. he was ecstatic. I couldn't hear him very well over the roaring engines, but I could feel him laughing... then he started patting my head and wiggling a bit whenever a batch of cars whizzed by. baby Girl seemed sulky. I realized she may well have been trying to tell me that she wanted to see too, but that I didn't hear her, so she was sad.. so when it was her turn on the shoulders, I could hear her and she was saying "WHOA!!!!!! WHOA!!!!!! HA HA HA!!!"
Both kids enjoyed waving to the mounted policemen, and the bike troupe policemen, and the traffic police... lots of police. Nary a drunk or rowdy freak in the crowd.
I am going to the BlogHer conference tomorrow and I think Hubby is hoping to take the kids to the Grand Prix. I will be bummed to miss out on the fun. this conference is a real treat, don't get me wrong... but I also love the idea of doing that adventure with the kids. Maybe Sunday? Hubby may need to go to work. Aw, well. We shall see!
Big Boy has been having a bad day. Seems quite a few kids at his school are as well. Grumpy, grousy, nasty. It doesn't help much that I just don't feel up to it today. Sand has been thrown, trikes have been bashed, blocks have been used in less than gentle ways on other kids.... not fun. When Big BOy decided to talk about it.. the refrain is always the same "they wouldn't leave me alone". But, it sounds more like "they WOnnnn't leeeeve me 'llllloooooooooone!"
I don't feel like getting into the specifics about what he's been up to. No one got hurt, but many have been annoyed, including me. Now, he and Baby Girl have swim lessons today and I just don't feel up to the fight of it right now. Getting him back out of the house after quiet time is rarely ever easy. There's been more than one time when I carry Baby Girl down to the car while he's yelling at me the he's not going to go! He's not going to GOOOoooo! When I go downstairs with Baby Girl the message I'm sending is : this bus is leaving, kid.. either get going or get dragged in once sister is buckled in. Then, of course he appears coming down the stairs as I'm buckling Baby Girl into her car seat, with his rain boots on (b/c he refuses to put on his sandals) and a scowl on his face. Lots of kicking, nasty attitude, etc etc.... lovely 4 year old stuff... he'll be 4 soon enough, right? I never play into it, my expectations could not be clearer, I never bother arguing with im about it. We're going; you're coming, let's go.
Now, He does get over it and loves his playtime at the pool before and after his lesson, and the lessons themselves are getting easier. Then it's back to nasty and annoying all the way home until dinner. Transitions while end of day tired.. changing in a hot locker room, being patient while sister gets changed too, new kids, new faces, expectations... he's no dummy.. he'd rather play on his computer or with his trains. Swimming is clearly something overly important to his parents, not to him, so he's not going to like it. He's right! Water safety is of the charts big to Hubby and I, so he'll be in swim lessons until he's near lifeguard certified.
Whenever I begin to wonder if there is more to his behavior than just being a four year old highly intelligent introverted by nature engineering young man who could care less about making new friends and being social..... I see OTHER boys his age and older out and about.
MOMS OF PRESCHOOL BOYS UNITE!!! Actually I think we do. Whenever I see a preschool boy throw a hissy fit at the pool I give the mom an empathetic smile and vice versa. "It's the heat" "It's too late in the day for this activity" "once they get in the water they are fine" "Once we get back in the car they are fine" We love to come up with reasons and excuses at to why our sons are... well... driving us nucking futs on a daily basis. The whining, the screaming, the back talk and simple ignoring of the mom are so very glorious. There is no difference in the behavior of the boys who get publicly smacked and those who don't. It's all about COPING.
Then there's the other side of the coin. Stay home and weather the storm of cabin fever sibling aggression and lack of exercise/ mental stimulation? Hmmm.... tough call. Too much television, not enough fresh air and sunshine. Yes, we are suffering a hard core heat wave, but I don't mind it so much because it is exhausting for the kids in such a good way. Come 8 o'clock the pups are out cold. If we stay here at home, I feel this withering brain-deadedness creeping in. I want to get out. I want to be in the pool. I want the fresh air.
We'll go. Baby Girl loves the lessons and Big Boy has fun 80% of the time. It is not as hot as it has been, and I just need to pep talk myself into not giving in to the preschool 'tude.
I wonder what Baby Girl will be like when she is near 4 years old. Total different ball of wax there. I'm sure she will bring a whole different set of challenges and concern on my heart.
baby steps. Better go get the swim gear together! HOO-Raw!
I wrote yesterday about the perils of negative press.
Today as I was at Big Boy's school, I asked about the now gone teacher. What I heard was something to offer food for thought.
The ex-teacher is now in re-hab. We all woudl love closure, for the trial to be done and overwith. *but* The prosecution process has not even gotten to the point of him entering a plea. He is unable to find work anywhere, even moreso having a hard time finding volunteer work anywhere. He has no means by which to support himself.
His church refused him, Goodwill has refused him, Salvation Army has refused him. He worked for one day at a thrift shop back room when a customer at the store recognized him, mentioned him to the manager (who understood fully his situation) and the manager had to let him go, apologetically.. but nonetheless most definitively. He cannot work/ volunteer anywhere where he might come into contact with anyone under the age of 18. So no Starbucks, no McDonald's, no Home Depot, no gardeners.... none of the "now hiring" places we see signs at most of the time.
"So," I said "Sounds like he can work at a night club or a strip club or adult bookstore or sex toy shop... maybe a head shop or cigar shop, none of which can be located within so many yards of a place where kids would be."
Now, please don't misunderstand me. I believe this man did do something horrible, and I don't want him back at the school. At the same time, his situation brings my awareness to just what someone who has entered to rolls of Meghan's Law is to do when they want to turn their life around. The options of respectable work or a way of earning a living are pretty much relegated to the realm of the "adult only" world. What counts as adult only in our society? Sex, Drugs, Drinking and the like. Interesting. Here is someone who is in rehab, wants to move on into a different line of work entirely, has no desire to ever return to work with children, and yet... he will likely (if he has no other means by which to support himself) need to enter a line of work in a less savory section of society.
So who will his social circle be once in that realm of society? You see where I'm going here? thus we grow our own criminals.
I also wonder about the mental health of "criminals" who are in this man's similar situation. Depression, Financial ruin, alienation, ostracized, and.. oh by the way.. at this point without medical insurance or means with which to get mental health counseling, medication, or referrals for employment counseling that would help to place them. What do these people do?
Is it no wonder that we have such a high rate of recidivism for crimes in the sexual or narcotics realm. This is quite a conundrum.
any thoughts?
As a teenager looking for a J-o-b beyond my waitressing gig I looked into doing office assistant work. Um, did not get the job.. good thing. For the half hour prior to the interview I was asked to read the office bylaws. I knew I was not cut out for that environment. There was one thing that I read that day that I didn't like, but that is most definitely true: bad news about a business experience travels 10 times as far as good news. A sad sad truth.
How often have you told someone (who doesn't ask) that you had a great trip to your OB's office? Or, without someone asking you, would you go on and on about the positive attributes of your child's school? rarely. Seems we like to hear the bad.. or when something icky happens, we share it with many we know, even acquaintances.
I am guilty of doing this, gotta admit. "The strangest thing happened today when I was at the rec center" or "there was a really rude counter person at the coffehouse". Who wants to hear about how the courtesy clerk helped me to the car and gave the kids stickers?
Today at Big Boy's school I was catching up with the director. She was busily moving around furniture to reconfigure the layout of the centers, was brainstorming about how to make this corner center more appealing to kids or make that book center look less cluttered. They just waxed the floors this weekend. She was busy and putting a lot of energy into the appearance of the place, something I have always liked about the school. As I was getting ready to leave with Baby Girl to go to Music Together, she asked me if I would be willing to give out some brochures.
I was a little taken aback at the request to spread the word about big boys school. I must have looked a little puzzled because she quickly explained that the fall enrollment is a bit low, and that she is afraid they are weathering the storm of bad press. My heart sank. The school has always been "full" and possibly "waitlisting for enrollment". To hear that word of mouth was not keeping the school full, but emptying it was a bit of a blow.
In January a staff member was arrested for possession of child pornography. Huge. Big. nasty. No kids from the school were involved in any way at all and the DA held a meeting with the parents of the students to explain that in their exhaustive search, no students were involved. there was no inappropriate touching, etc. Since then, the school has changed it's directorship, some teachers have left, a couple new teachers have been hired and... well, they have been going through it, always holding true to their philosophy and standards, thankfully. I've had some pretty strong emotions around how friends pulled their children and the things they had said out of anger or broken trust.
The school is a great school. Big Boy has grown so much while going there and I look forward to Baby girl attending in the Fall, and now I am worried about them. Will they pull through? I took some brochures to Music Together and thankfully there was another mom of the school in the class so when I spoke with a mom about the school, she also spoke with the other mom as well. We had all good things to say. She seemed interested and looking forward to touring the school. Then the thought crossed my mind: no matter how much she loves it, no matter how much good she hears and sees... someone will tell her about when happened there and she may not send her kid there. Wouldn't that be a shame?
Much like people avoid an airline AFTER a crash (when it's safest), people may avoid the school after the crisis.
A local chi-chi spa had a masseuse who "digitally assaulted" a client. I had gone to that salon a bit back when I had that kind of time and money. I never heard of that incident from the news... nope, heard it from a mom at a playgroup. She had never been there, but had a gift cert and was horrified at the thought of going there. I tried to explain that since they had fired the offender and did checks on all their workers etc, it was most likely safer than ever before. She wasn't taking it. But she was willing to tell the fantastic horrific story to all she knew, thus spreading negative press about the place even though she'd never been there.
SO, I have a stack of brochures for the school and I am willing to put my neck out there and suggest it to those looking for a place for their little ones. I believe in the place and can be honest about my experience there. I feel that after going through this experience with Big Boy's school, I am a lot more aware of not taking all the negative chatter too seriously. I also think I'll be making more of a point of telling people about the cool funny and helpful things people do for each other each day. Things like the Mom at the park who caught baby Girl at the bottom of the slide when she could reach the ground, or the workers of the Caltrains who now wave to Big Boy when we go to the train station and will stop their power washers to answer his questions about how the washers work or where the train will go next.
Consider how often we share the negative that has happened and how often we fail to share to cool and wonderful things. It's good food for thought.
I am certain there are going to be lots and lots of posts about how our world is turning into a furnace. Those who don't believe in global warming can kiss it. This friggin' sucks.
I am now going on day two of outside restricted activity. I am not enjoying it very much. The kids and I (Hubby had to go into work again today) just got back a bit ago from an outside adventure walk. This usually is about an hour of wandering the complex and surrounding streets. We enjoy naming plants, trees, flowers and bugs.... can't forget the bugs. Big Boy is big on bugs at the moment; except for when they catch him off guard. Today we were out for maybe possibly 30 minutes, IF that long. No running/chasing races, no friends to be found on the grass.... ghost town and sweatville.
The heat radiating off of the pavement was big. The folks we saw were briskly walking dogs and hurrying back inside or scurrying to or from AC car to AC house. All quiet save the hum of compressors. Big Boy did enjoy his bug hunting until the second scare happened. The first scare was when he was intently observing a spider web and some big grasshopper some-such flew WHOP into his cheek. He let out a shriek and slapped his own face. He was fine, but moved on quickly. The second scare was while catching shade under a tree when something huge and buzzy hit the back of his neck. After that, he was really okay with walking homeward. In a reassuring voice I let him know that the heat tends to bring out the seriously buzzy odd looking bugs.
Baby Girl was not 20 steps behind her brother. Ever calling "wait for me! Wait for me!!!" Then she got rather hot. Sweat through the shirt, dripping down her brow. "Momma, Uppy! uppy!" So I ended up carrying her a bit.
It's cooler than yesterday, that's why I figured we'd give it a shot. Yesterday I got home by 10AM so it was just about 100.
I called down to Grandma in the desert and she told me a great story about her Afghan refusing to go outside to take care of business. She opened up the door and the dog took one look and turned tail back into the house. It is 120 down there. Can't say I blame Ajna.. he is no dummy.
I yearn for the fog, the rain, the drippy, wet, and grey. Big Boy discovered a very unlucky worm today while we were out. "Look, Momma.. a pretend worm." I had to break it to him that it wasn't a pretend worm, just a rather unlucky worm that thought it might make it across the path before frying to death. I used nicer words, of course. "Poor little worm" was his next comment. "Momma I want to find worms and snails." was his next edict. I then explained that they tend to hide out when it gets so hot out. "I don't like hot weather, not one little bit." was his response. I'm with you, kiddo, I'm with you. Sunscreen sucks. Especially the waterproof stuff... always gives the kids a rash.
I never had a complaint during our rainiest year on record. I was loving it. Kiddos too. More puddles to stomp in, more slimy critters to find, great weather for processing the death of my beloved grandpa. Mudpies, sandcastles. It was fabulous. Now I feel like we are seeking refuge in the AC, shades drawn, living in a cave, making sure all lights are off, don't use appliances unless necessary (like the coffemaker ;-)) It sucks. Summer hibernation has set in.
My poor San Francisco raised buns are not diggin' this heat. Hubby and I keep saying if a golden opportunity presented itself, we would jump to Seattle so quick. But I know I'd miss my fam. Cookey as they may be.
I wasn't sure I would ever bother to do this entry. It's the mental muddle of the stay at home mom that rarely comes out into the light. It's the dark underbelly of this lifestyle. I don't like facing criticism or snubbery. But forget it, my blog, my space, whatever.
I am a stay at home mom of a nearly 2 year old and nearly 4 year old. That is what I do. I don't earn money but I save us A LOT of money and from what I hear I do a darned good job at this motherhood stuff. I keep the house, I keep it stocked, I keep the kids busy, clothed, socialized, fed, clean, schooled, napped etc. etc. It is the most magnificent and yet utterly thankless job a human can have. I love it and have no intension of running away from this kind of motherhood anytime soon.
-but-
From time to time.. usually about once I year, pessimistic voices pervade my consciousness.
When will YOU get out and get a job?
Why does Hubby have to earn all the money?
Don't you feel like a co-dependent pathetic woman whose life is too focused on her kids?
Kids don't need their mom at home, you're being self indulgent.
and here's the big one...
How LONG do you intend to keep doing this? Don't you thirst for MORE??
I went through a few months of just wondering about my status. Should I go back to school? Should I accept the QA jobs I get e-mails about from bosses long ago? Should I pull that massage table out and start rubbing people for a living? Should I get back to school and get my RN degree? Why can't I be like more women who have kids and hold down jobs as well.. granted they are half out of their heads half the time, but they hide it well. They tend to be the ones who yell at the school director when they dont' have a work holiday on the same dates as the school holiday.
Baby Girl starts school in Sept and I KNOW this is why these musings have come to pass.
I'm realizing now how much easier this is to write about now that the "crisis" is already passed. I have made my peace with where my life is at the moment. All it took was concrete facts.
Big Boy starts at his new school in the fall. It will be Mon thru Fri 8:15 am to 1:30pm. Baby Girl starts preschool two mornings a week Monday and Wednesday 8:30 to 11:30am. new transitions, new schedules, new teachers and friends. new germs! yeehaw! it's is all very exciting. The big change this brings to me is 6 hours a week without children in my direct charge. After 4 years of 24/7 children in tow. I have decided to enjoy this time. That is when that happens, who knows when one or two will have a cold or flu or sniffles, or some bug that would require me to be at home.
I had to get real about this. Toss the kids into full time preschool/daycare at the amount of about 25k a year to break even (not after taxes) and miss out on this time with them? Dont' think so. hmmm, miss work when they get sick? I don't tend to send them out the door in marginal health and could see really being conflicted missing out on a job willing to hire me part time and miss me when the kids are sick anyhow. Hubby doesn't have that kind of flexibility in his position and honestly/bluntly.. he's the breadwinner. There is no position I would get that would earn half as much as he does and that would be full time. I also know that my responsibilities at home would not change, I would simply be adding another hat to my collection, another ball to learn to juggle with ease.
Yes, I will go back to working in time. Yes, I will go back to school as well. I have faith that when the time is right for me it will happen and it will work well for everyone. Right now I know that where i am most needed/appreciated is right where I am.
I didn't talk about this will friends much, I just went through days of daydreaming and wondering what would be best for my family and me. I'm glad that decision is made, I'm glad I can move forward with a clear head. Time to go put Baby Girl down for nap and do ten other things.
I have not blogged in about ages and ages. Just been up to so much. Busy Busy and at day's end, I honestly just want to watch some mindless, heartbreaking violence on the tv (CNN) or mindless comedy (comedy central). No words, no desire to put them down. But the ideas abound as always. I simply don't get them into the computer.
My friend Melanie started a blog quite some time after I did. She is an actual writer. She's brilliant, political, poised. Once she started the blog I started getting heat from time to time for not writing. She gave the usual helpful advice of writing down ideas for titles and content in notebooks. yeah, that didn't work so well.
Hubby suggested putting ideas and titles inot the acto program and just don't actually write the entry. That works somewhat.. Now I have a backlog of topics I have not written on. He is also making suggestions about how to up my readership, get mor comments, open up my blog to a great audience. I'm starting to consider if this is something I want to do. I do have blogs i enjoy reading, I lurk and rarely ever leave comments unless it's on a friends blog.
When I started the blog, it was after a year or so of urging from Hubby. I wasn't finding time to keep up with my hand written leather bound luscious journal he had gotten for me. My fingers type fast enough to almost keep up with some of my thoughts. shyeah, who am I kidding?
Next weekend there is a conference in downtown San Jose.. or is it Santa Clara? that melanie has been cool enough to encourage me to go to. A BlogHer conference. Hubby thinks it woudl be a great idea. Get away for the day or two, meet new people, maybe make friends, learn some new tricks of the trade etc. I'm tempted now more than before.
I'm feeling that this blog just may well expand from the online but mostly private log of my musings and life. Who knows.... could a re-vamp be on the way? hmmmm.
I agonized over Big Boy's potty training. I was brought to tears on a few occasions. It drove me nuts. I had nightmares of him wearing diapers to 1st grade and refusing to use the toilet because it's just easier to have mom change him. Folks told me all the time that it's different with boys, boys take longer, boys do it their own way, have patience. Mom friends claim I am the most patient mom they know... but in this.. I felt so tense!
Big Boy had a lot of stress around his potty training. A newborn BABY SISTER making it such that I couldn't just drop everything and throw him in the direction of the toilet, much less help him pull down or up his pants. Nursing a newborn can really put a kink in the potty training of a 2 year old. Don't get me started on the potty training of the bowel movements. A friend of mine finally simply refused to put diapers on her son and told him point blank: If you want to poo in a diaper YOU need to put it on. You know what? He DID! Big Boy wasn't that different. I'd catch him walking around with a duck tail and could feel my blood boil, because he just didn't seem to mind.
It is SOOoo easy to be critical of the stressed out mom..but you don't know how many poopy diapers she's taken care of, and how it's obvious the toilet is a mere inconvenience, not a major issue.
Well, Big Boy in true Big Boy fashion decided one day that he was just ready and did it all all at once. That's his style.
Well, now Baby Girl is ready to go the potty route. How did it go? Well, I asked her if she wanted to wear pretty underpants instead of a diaper and she said "Sure!" And so here we are.
A major help is my evolution as a mom. I look out for cues of full bladder, I have a more innate internal clock that rings every hour to take her to the potty to see if she needs to go. Her accidents are partial, as in she hollers "Pee pee coming!!!!" and her undies will be wet, but you can do a quick pick up an and run to the toilet or potty for her to finish the job.
I now have the potty as co-pilot on outings again. First stop after waking up is the potty. It's all just much less stress and a lot more routine. No incentives, no bribery. Big Girl is being oh-so easy on me with this, God bless her. When she uses the potty she smiles big, raises her hands over her head and says "Awesome!"
She may well be potty independent when she starts school in the fall, wouldn't that be nice?
Now if I could just get her to stop trying to wipe ME when I go to the potty, that would be nice..... she's rather persistent.
A friend told me repeatedly I HAD TO blog about this experience, if only so that I would remember it for years to come, to keep perspective. I am leaving out names and such to keep some respect in the story.. but oh yeah, the gloves come off.
Last week I took the kids on a walk to a local bakery. This place has some famously luscious cinnamon bread that makes the best french toast ever.
We arrive, park the double jogger (now serving as poop out bus only.. but needed, nonetheless) out front and go inside. There is a little bit of a line, no much of one, and normally there never is.. and it becomes clear that the party at the front of the line is causing there to be a line.
Big Boy and Girl stand next to me and look into the cases, ask questions about the bread, and look around and smile at folks they feel like smiling at. The usual drill.
The little girl at the front of the line starts to have a tantrum. The tantrum builds and builds. She looks to be about 4 or 5 years old, wearing a lovely dress from the local kid boutique and .. well... y'know the type.
The tantrum grows to shrieks and hollers and body flops. The mother says in what I refer to as the disempowered mommy voice "oh sweetie, it's ok.. she won't keep it for too long, and you want your pretty cake to be super pretty, right?" the girl shrieks and lunges across the counter at the bakery worker who is holding an order slip. "it's ok sweetie, it's ok...." The mother is holding the girl by the waist as she's kicking and almost knocking down displays.
Big Boy and Big Girl are now mesmerized at the antics. They both stand next to me and hold onto my thighs, in shock. I could hear their mental wheels turning. Why isn't she telling her NO? Isn't she going to say THAT'S NOT OK, WE'RE LEAVING RIGHT NOW. And of course, Whoa... if WE did that, momma would leave, give us a stern talking to, possibly a smack, and we wouldn't be able to get yum-yum bread for a long long time.
The mom started to gather the kid to leave the bakery when the little girl turns her gaze and sees my two little ones looking at her with faces that must have read as : damn, girl, get a grip! The girl immediately stopped the tantrum, all the while staring at my two kids, took her mom by the hand and left the store. Thus showing me that she wasn't out of control of herself at any point during her antics.
They leave, the whole place breathes a sigh of relief. The line moves quickly. When we get to the front of the line, the kids ask for their muffins, I get two loaves of bread, and as we are completing the transaction, I HAD TO ask. "Do a lot of kids have tantrums like that one when they order their cake?"
here's the kicker
The counter lady looks at me and smiles and says, "Oh jes, I fine dat people who order cakes like dat, they ten' to have children like dat."
The cake was a custom sheet cake in the shape of a sanrio group of characters for 40 people. The cake cost over $100.
Notice I am NOT saying that ALL people who order cakes like that HAVE kids like that? I have dragged crying babes around on many many an occasion. I have DRAGGED hollering kids out of stores as well. I have cut restaurant experiences short. I had to share this story because as a bystander... it was never impressed upon this girl that it was not okay to attack a stranger or kick at a display. It struck me what behavior seems acceptable coming from a blond haired blue eyed terror.
I am having some issues with my dear Fat Max.
These issues started about a month after moving into our new house. He got sick one day and I found in the "specimen" the remnants of a hair elastic he had apparently eaten. So to keep a long drawn out story lovingly brief(because no one likes to read/hear about cat health... dogs, SURE! how's Fluffly holding up with that paw... but cats? Not so much) I was out quite a bit of money and the cat was fine. No blockages.
Two weeks later, the bozo wretches up a good foot of ribbon from god knows where. I called the vet to be on alert again, but he went back to eating and showed no signs of blockages, so no money lost on that one.
I started noticing edges of our berber carpet torn up in the deep corners of the insteps of a couple stairs between our 2nd and 3rd floors. "MAX! NO!" As I hear the pop pop pop sound of a cat clawing and I kNOW it's him. I cut off the threads, pat the carpet down and put myself on look out for another nightmare hurling session. I bought some of the double sided tape stuff that's supposed to keep cats from clawing on things. I'm thinking that if he can't claw at it, he won't fish out a string to nibble on. No such luck, this particular bugger LIKES to eat scotch tape, packing tape...any kind of tape used on packing... I had forgotten about this and thus turned the stairs into a nicer appetizer for this little freak. Actually he's about 17 pounds.. but he's still MY little freak.
I tell him I'm going to put soft claws on him if he doesn't stop it, and the behavior abates for a bit. Boy does he hate soft claws, but they are a great cat-training thing. Plastic "nail sleaves" that you glue over a cat's nails; a lot like fake cat nails, but they are thicker so a cat can't dig into anything or scratch. It's a way of avoiding the horrendous de-clawing issue. Max hates soft claws such that he seems to know them by name. Also as they grow out, it seems they are uncomfortable. Anyway... I have to be sure to clip his nails often.
Then today he walked by me and rubbed against my leg in that oh-so-cool-cat way and as he's sauntering off, I notice the silly head had a third tail. I promptly had to chase him down, hold him down and pull about a foot of green carpet thread from his butt (with the ever present baby wipes that are around the house). He was less than thrilled, but clearly appreciative of not having anything dangling. Doofus.
LOVELY! I mention this to Hubby and he tells me "Yeah, I yelled at him this morning for eating Big Boy's play carpet."
What is with this CAT?!?!?
I adore him, he is so cool and fat and cozy and funny.. but this behavior is really grating on me and I need to know how to make it stop. This is by no means a deal breaker at all. incontinence or severe behavior issues would be deal breakers for me.. but how do i get this cat to stop trying to kill himself by eating anything string-like? Does he need some vitamin shot? Or extra fiber in his diet? maybe some kitty prozac?? He doesn't behave in any way like he's stressed... he's chill and mellow and downright cool and funny as can be.
This isn't much of a blog entry.. but it's the one appropriate thing in my head at the moment, it's kinda funny-ish.. and I do wish to know if anyone has any suggestions on handling cat pika!
Years ago Anjelina Jolie was on my lost of "I think I'd probably get along well with this movie star if they lived next door." She earned an oscar for an amazing performance in Girl, Interrupted. She seemed to live her life in a very genuine way without concern about what others thought. How rare is that? Who cares if she had a lingering kiss with her brother. Who cares that she married an eccentric guy twice her age. She was living life to the fullest in every way. I think that's admirable. I applauded that she took on motherhood so beautifully with Maddox. She didn't hire him out to some nanny, she began to embrace motherhood in a really cool way.
Then in 2001 she became the UN's goodwill ambassador. My mom, whose life runs for the cause of international refugees was thu-rilled. A gorgeous young superstar was taking on a cause closest to my mom's heart. Photographs of Ms. Jolie in the Congo, in Sierre Leone seemed to be depicting her like a Mother Teresa type and my heart sank. Princess Diana (bless her) and Audrey Hepburn didn't have such press when they tromped in the ditches and screamed for the lives of the displaced, mangled or diseased. Then came more movies and that whole bumpy scary start with the relationship with Brad Pitt, another baby from Ethiopia, Zahara. Then little love child Shiloh born in Namibia.
I got really disenchanted. Wouldn't we all love to chose where in the world we would like our babies born? Wouldn't we all just love to jet set to an orphanage in some God-forsaken land and pick up a child we feel a connection to and bring them home without worry of how to pay for it or how to give that child a life we'd want to give it? Wouldn't we all love to have a doctor in tow when traveling the world to be on hand when labor/illness starts? In all honesty, I would love all of those things so very much, that is why I stopped liking Anjelina. She became out of reach.
Notice I DID NOT say "wouldn't we all like to be with Brad Pitt?" Yeah, their relationship didn't start in the best way, but that's no one's business. They seem to be doing well together; nuff said.
So last night I came down with a stomache flu. I thought I lucked out and avoided it... kids and hubby had it over the last couple weeks, I thought I escaped, but NOPE! I stayed up late curled up in a ball holding a pillow to my cramping inerds between sprints to the bathroom. I had the tv on and was watching "Anderson Cooper 360: Anjelina Jolie: Her Mission and Motherhood" It helped bring Anjelina back into the tangible world for me. She is doing what she can with what she has to support her causes; pure and simple.
Her cause is a darned good one. Yes, yes... I do tend to channel my mom a lot when it comes to refugee awareness. I don't talk about it much because.. well... it was a daily dinner time talk throughout my childhood that would turn the stomache of the average family; or most people! My mom had so many stories of so many people she knew who survived the most horrendous and dehumanizing things before finding a safe haven here in the US. At 8 years old I knew all about the machetes of Haiti and the torture rooms of Cambodia. In 1994 my mom was sent to Ruwanda post-massacre to see what was most needed. I took her to the airport, then went home and popped in the videotape left out on her coffee table. The title on the videotape was : "if you can't stand to watch this, don't come here" or something like that. I put in the tape and wondered how I could support her going! It was a video done by the people she was meeting up with over there; a tour of their environs: beautiful lush country riddled with piles upon piles of bloated rotting bodies, children weeping with gauzed stumps where their arms or legs had been. I knew about sex slave and human traffic here in the the God blessed US of A.
Last night the thought crossed my mind that maybe I had become disenchanted with Jolie because I have grown up with a great world wide perspective on refugees and what truly lurkes in the majority of the world where resources are scarce and bloody hand on hand combat and intimidation/rape are the norm. Here Jolie was in make-up, adopting babies of her favorites countries in a way that seemed almost like she was a collector of the human species. I felt in my stomach that her way of going about it wasn't exactly raising awareness of the issues of the world, but more a spectacle of what visiting refugee camps can do to a person.
I was glad I watched what I could of the whole show. Jolie spoke quite candidly about how when she first got involved with refugee work, she went through the normals phases of shock, dismay, anger, wanting to save the world, and now... simply doing what she can, talking to who she can and pushing legislation she can to make a difference. She seemed very grounded (but who isn't when the hormones kick in a few days after having a baby and staying up all night breast feeding?). She said quite simply that she was always aware on some level that her children are around the world, and she simply needs to go find them; that is her way of approaching motherhood.
Jolie gets kudos from me in the end. While in Namibia, she sent her doctor to the local hospital to see what was needed in their birthing and obstetrics wing. She was amazed to hear they had no ultrasound machines. They still used the paper cones held to a pregnant belly and directly to a doctor's ear.They had no fetal monitors. Or, they had some other monitors they could not run because they had no money for the paper to load into them to track labor or fetal movement. They had no doplers to hear heartbeats. She and darling Pitt plunked 300k to the hospital to get them those things. Also, it turns out that Jolie pays for all of her own travel with the UN, and often gives more to every place she visits for medicine, schools, supplies, and water. In the end, Jolie says that refugees inspire her to do better every day of her life, because they move on through the most horrific of conditions. She thinks of them when she's tired and grumpy and in her own head to remind herself that she has a roof over her head, resources to share, she knows where her family members are and can call them anytime... that these things truly are blessings.
Good message, good thinking, go to Lady... go to.
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