Jessica's Blog

I feel for Angelina, truly I do.  The girl must be so tired at this point.  Three babes and a Brad to care for and a career and refugee work to boot.  Rumors say she's lost too much weight and is exhausted. If she were not, I would wonder what she was taking.  I like her a lot.  The fact that she is oh so very beautiful makes it easier.

But, ummm.... this is a very thought provoking painting that is just a wee bit much.

Angelina vs. Americans deep in the hell of capitalism.

Interesting that this should pop up after spending an evening watching History channels documentary: "Hell: The Devil's Domain".  It was a good show.  I wrote earlier I can't say no to watching documentaries about religion or history.  Well, there I was.  Watching a historical perspective on the concept of hell by a few major world religions.  Comparing and contrasting, with most emphasis being on the development of the concept of hell by the Christian religion through time.  Little segways described hell of Islam, Judaism, Buddhism.  Not so well as I've read them; but still, interesting. 

I know.. could I spend a geekier New Year's Eve?  I don't think so, but I'm a little too tired to try. 

2006 was a very very ... diverse year in  our lives.  Grandpa Ronald's death in January still sends ripples through us.  I was in deep grief for a couple months at least.  I still cry.  Like today going through Hubby's phone and seeing he still has Grandpa Ronald as a listing in his contacts.  My step-mom's father died suddenly not even a full month after Grandpa's death.  We were not close, but I felt horrible for my mom.  There have been illnesses in the family, surgeries, trips to ICUs, tears.  A hopeful early pregnancy followed by a miscarriage.  Another sudden and horrible loss for my step-mom in her brother's suicide.  Changes in friendships and losses of some due to drama at the kids' school.  So many wonderful lessons learned.  A very Nietche year.

Yet, we had out first vacation since our honeymoon.. a gift from my mom she is repeating for us 2007 with great generosity.  Another week at Greenhorn Guest Ranch!  We've had great joys as well.  The birth of my friend Tonya's son, Ethan, is something I find great solace in.  He truly is a fair haired steadfast gift of God as his name implies.  Hubby changed jobs, we changed homes, I now carry our third child quite well so far.  Buck just joined our family.  My grandmothers are each recovering from their ills and pains slowly but surely.  My sister is buying her first house that is being built by the builder.  So happy for her.  I am grateful for all of this.

At Christmas dinner my toast said in part, "While I am grateful for the rich life experience 2006 has given this family, how do I say this?  2006... don't let the door hit you on your way out."  To which my step-mom blurted out, "No No NO!  Please let the door hit you!"

Life continues to be an amazing tapestry of colors and textures.  We continue to hope for the best and have the strong sense of faith in the crappy times.  I'm feeling rather battle worn from the last year.  Maybe that's why I'm just chillin' out this New Year's Eve.  Like spring in the midwest... in like a lion, out like a lamb.

namaste.

Ages ago I was a guest at a wedding on Cape Cod.  I had no clue what I was getting myself into and called my mom in a near panic from the hotel room.  "I've never felt so... sooo... not white or not rich in my life!!!"  We shared a laugh and she gave me tips of survival for the weekend that helped me get through the clam bake and smile politely at jokes about the nouveau riche.

This add brought it all back and helped me laugh about it till I had tears in my eyes.  In fact, I think they may have filmed at the house where the wedding was... hmmm....

Let's have a tea partay!

This one was just ... hot, and oh so clever.

Hubby has been going on and on about getting an iRobot Roomba for months.  Maybe years.  As long as that device has been on the market, he has been talking about getting one.  He's shown me the website and talked about the algorithms it uses to clean a room, and shown me accelerated diagrams of how it works.

I thought it was a great idea, but had my concerns.  Mostly about buying into a new technology that is so new it is likely quite buggy and expensive.  I wondered how it would manage stairs, cat hair, wires, tassels on area rugs.  Would it be loud?  Would it die and never be able to be repaired without breaking the bank it already broke being bought?  This is by the way a constant conversation when married to someone who is passionate about technology of any kind.  Thankfully, Hubby is also very practical.  But I often hit the brakes about buying into something new for a while. 

My friend Vicky has one ( or two?) and sung the praises.  But, she also said it died.  She also has the scooba for hardwood or linoleum etc.  She agrees they probably croaked on the animal hair at her house.  They do require regular cleaning and filter changes.  She has three dogs, two cats, three boys, and a horse.  No, the horse isn't there, but all you horse people out there know what gets tracked home from the stable.

This holiday season, I can't remember how it happened, but Hubby went ahead and ordered a roomba.  I say I can't remember because i can't remember if I said "go for it" or if he informed me he bought it and I cringed... that's what I mean.  I got excited at the idea.  It arrived and today was the day for us to give it a whirl.

I'm in deep like with this little machine.  As I was downstairs hearing it whirr about the 2nd floor I got twenty other things done, I didn't have to lug the vacuums up the stairs, and the roomba went under our bed.  Granted it nearly died a slow death on the cat hair under there... it sucked it up!  Whads of the wretched stuff.  So I will breath easier at night, no doubt.  The floors look great.  It was a very typical stay at home mother moment: the wonderful technology  freed me up to do yet another fifty things in my day!  Oh Joy!  Oh.... now I have more time do to other things... hmmmm.  I'll remind myself to do stuff FUN like go to the park with the kids or dog when it's running, build forts, play games, talk ... so that it's not just working while I'm scrubbing the kitchen or folding laundry.

Hubby said I had to go watch the robot working.  I was reluctant because I was tired and hungry, had to go to the bathroom, and it was working way up on the third floor, but I went.  It was pretty fun to see.  Reminded me of a tipsy person at a party.... going along at a nice pace, bumping into something, stopping, backing up slowly, turning and going off in a different direction, repeating the cycle over and over.  Under the kids' bed, out from under the kids beds.  Easy to empty.  Quieter that our other vacuum or steam cleaner.  Yes, we have a steam cleaner.  As soon as you've had two small kids with tummy flu at the same time, you might just call me to borrow it Once the sickness leaves, but the smell and stains remain.

Oh Sigh of Joy.  This is something I can get used to real easy.  Not vaccuming.  wow.  Especially as I get bigger and bigger and get a bug in my bonnet about how clean the house MUST BE (as I always do) I won't have to have a crying fit about being too tired, too huge, too spent to do it... then do it anyway because I CANNOT leave it be... just set that little sucker on the loose.  This will be great this summer too as I readjust and heal etc.

Harmony is kept in the Westbrook house via technology again.  This may be right up there with the TiVo and being able to pause while we interrupt each other's shows to chat. :-)

Hubby just brought it down to clean it out after it's run of hte third floor.  he showed me what all got suckedup.  How do cats shed so much? !?!?!  Oh, under the beds... under the beds.  YAY oh YAY!  You gotta get one of these!  Hubby is like a kid in a candy store.  So is Big Boy, announcing every few minutes "I'm going to check on the robot, ok?  But I won't touch it!  I promise!"

I wrote this post about doing a google search on an ex.

I kept to my word and did drop him a line to 1)say hello and 2) tell him in an almost apologetic way that I had done the search and  all the stuff I found out.  Oh, and 3) congrats on how beautiful your life appears from snooping. *smile*

He wrote back the same day saying he was happy to hear from me, that he had googled me a while back and had no luck finding me.  He loved looking at the pics of my family and sent me a url (that I had not found) to see pics of his beautiful baby girl.

He said he didn't mind the snoopage, and was glad that I found him.  We may get the families together next year for a trip to the zoo.

nice, eh?

Some very funny moments have come to pass since the addition of Buck to our household.  I thought I'd share and share a laugh. 

I mentioned earlier in a post that Buck could be Sparkey from South Park.  Y'know.. the gay dog?  Well, please know I understand fully that the whole humping deal isn't a sexual thing in dogs.  Anyway.  Thursday we were at the dog park.  We go every day in the afternoon so Buck can socialize, get in a good run, get out a good poop, y'know.  It may not have been the official hump day of the week... but man oh man, was it ever at the dog park.  It was very funny.  The kids were sitting on the picnic table to stay out of the fray and they were just laughing and laughing.  Heck, I was laughing too.  Alll the dogs were just doing that.  It was as if one got the idea and they all just had to go for it.  It reminded me of that scene in Jarhead when the marines get tired of the news cameras and get nasty on the football field.

It was that day that Big Boy saw his first English Sheepdog.  He decided this was the kind of dog we had to have.  An English Sheep Dog.  I chuckled because my mom loves English Sheepdogs.  I told him to tell his Grandma Margi that, and maybe she would get one he could visit.  "But I want one!" He says  "Big Boy, you have a dog.  Buck is your dog!  Ain't he great?"  Big Boy agreed.  Once we were home, Big Boy commandeered Honey Girl's toy cell phone and recorded a message to play back to himself over and over and over, "I want an English Sheepdog, I want an English Sheepdog."

Today at the park the kids met their first English Bulldog.  You know, short, stocky, hefty, a face only  a mother could love?  Honey Girl was walking along holding my hand and humming a tune, getting distracted with each passing thing.  She let go of my hand and wandered of a few paces, still in a daydream of one sort or another.  Next thing she knew she was face to face with "Bus".  She turned tail, raced toward me hollering, "MOMMMMYYYYYYY!!!!" and scaled halfway up my leg before I could pry her off to pick her up.  I couldn't help but the laugh.  I explained to her that Bus was a dog, really he was, just a different kind of dog.  She screwed up her courage to get down to meet this dog.  She is saying hello to the dog when Big Boy came over to meet the new dog friend as well.  He got close enough to pet Bus, but then as soon as the bulldog turned to look at him in the face, Big Boy jumped into the air and tried his best to not scream.  It was hilarious.

Dog parks are funny and so much like kid parks.. the comparison has to be made.  People gossip.  As in, when the humping started the other day, the dog owners had to talk about how it's so good so-and-so no longer comes to the park because they woudl freak if they saw this.  Apparently this person's dog was the focus of all such sexual energy from other dogs, and it's owner would freak out and never allow the dog to be assertive.  Then came all the chatter about dogs being dogs and how they need to establish a pecking order.. yadda yadda yadda.  Not unlike a kid park at all.  "we need to let them figure it out before we jump in"  "If they don't figure it out here, they will have to figure it out some other time"

Then today some women were passing back and forth books they had read to share.  Maybe it was dog park book club day?  Turns out the books were about dogs.  Marley and Me, and one by the Dog Whisperer.  All this is done in much the same manner as moms exchanging books like The Simple No Cry Sleep Sollution or The Happiest Baby on the Block.  Of course those are the ones that come to mind because those were my favs when I was a new mom and found them to make the most sense.

People speak about their dogs as if they were their children.  As all GOOD dog companions ought to!  There is great talk of what rescue organization you adopted a dog from.  THere is also a lot of talk of not knowing what happened when these dogs were small, but that they freak out when certain things happen.  Thankfully it seems San Jose dog companions are perfectly fine with dogs figuring out their differences before stepping in.  They seem to know when a disagreement becomes a fight and it's all a delicate balance of know the age, the breed, the temperament of the dogs involved.  With our family dogs up in Marin, there was a lot of "get your dog away from my dog" stuff.  *eyes rolling*

Big Boy is very proud of the fact that our dog is a rescue dog.  But then again, I think he thinks that's Buck's breed.  "My dog is a rescue dog."  It's sweet.  The kids are learning so much about human nature by watching dog nature.  It's priceless.  Buck was snoring like a bear on the floor next to me, but now he's running and yipping in his sleep.  Most likely re-living what happened with the black lab at the park today.  Dog ownership is a good thing. 

I don't think Hubby could have a better first dog experience.  Friends and family are surprised to hear he's never had a dog before.  He's taken to it beautifully.  Much like he took to fatherhood so well too!

I happened upon this story today about the possibility that by killing Saddam Huseein the U.S. will simply be adding more fuel to the fire of Anti-American sentiment.

In reading The article, I found the premise somewhat lacking in depth.  Seems Joshua Holland wants to say that what Saddam Hussein did wasn't so bad, that other dictators in recent history have done far worse, and therefore coalition forces are just going to be looking stupid.  Also,  the U.S. is merely going to continue to be seen as a bully killing people for no good reason.

...ummmm..... ok...... can't say as I agree.

There is truth to the point that if Saddam were one of these other leaders in a NOT oil rich country, he would be alive and well, living in another country or under house arrest in one of his many palaces.  The other examples given by Holland do make a point of saying that.

What's the old saying?  Is it, "If a frog had a tail it wouldn't bump it's ass a-hoppin'. "?  The fact is Hussein was the dictator of an oil rich country we jumped in on to secure our oil futures.  Something we all hate, but the truth is, many of us drive.  I do feel Saddam was a horrible man, and I also feel killing him off is only being justified to give support for the war more.  It's alllllll so fubar. 

I thought I would throw out that link to see what other folks might think of the article, and the comments on it are worth a gander too.  Continued food for thought.

I look at other people's blogs and I like the "about me" sections.  They are telling and I have yet to build one for myself because I fear putting myself into a box.  Also, I can't think of things about myself most people don't already know, and only my buddies read this blog.  Then a week or so ago I saw on my new  friend Smittie's blog he did a list of 50 things about him.  I thought it was concise and cool and told me a lot about him.  So seeing as I'm not in much of a lyrical mood this evening, I'll go for this list thang...

1) I am a San Francisco/ California native, born in 1974.  My California roots go back at least four generations on my dad's side.  I don't know my way around S.F. anymore though, it's changed so much!
2) I'm far sighted and wear reading glasses.
3) I have a BA from Oberlin College in Psychology and Law&Society.  1996.  I loved my time there, and am very proud to be an Obie, I married an Obie too.
4) I don't like to stay inside all day, regardless of the weather!
5) I crazy love my Code Monkey man.
6) I love to knit when I have the time, and find I do it more when I'm stressed than when I'm not... so I haven't knit recently!  I have lots of UFOs around (unfinished projects)
7) I do best mentally/ spiritually if given the chance to fitness walk or hike 45min. a day.
8) I can't put a book down in the first 50 pages to give it a good try, I can't put a book down for the last 100 pages, because well... so close to the end.  I lose a lot of sleep this way.
9) I AIM and text and camera phone pic my hubby to pieces.. he loves it.
10)  I am notoriously NOT social on weekends, as I get my fam all to myself.
11) I love my yoga, and don't care if folks call it stretching... it's oh so gooooood.
12) I've run a marathon and loved it, would do it again... maybe.
13) I am a recovered control freak, and therefore not the greatest hostess! 
14) My mom is an alcoholic.  This is directly related to #13; in my recovery from that fact, I was able to let go of a lot of anger/control issues and am sooooo much happier because of it.  She was dry for years, and isn't anymore, but I'm old enough to understand and love her.
15) I am NOT a pack rat.  I tend to toss/ recycle/ donate/ burn things others would find sentimental.  It frees up my chi
16)  I am a passionate mother of a 4 year old boy, 2 year old girl and 20 week old girl fetus.
17) I am passionate about breastfeeding.  My son to 15 months, daughter to 18 months.
18) I made my kid's baby food.
19) I want an RV
20) I'm lactose intolerant, but sometimes amazing cheese/dairy is worth the pain.
21) I have mild allergic reactions to shellfish, walnuts and pecans.
22) I used to sing a lot, and now sing with friends/ or karaoke. 
23)  I am an INTP
24) I am a Taurus sun, Leo rising, Sagittarius moon
25) I love car camping at the beach.
26) I've lived in CA, OH, and CO.
27) I have Hashimoto Syndrome, but require no meds at this time
28) I will watch any documentary about: religious history of any religion, any war
29)  I HATE carrot cake (always walnuts!) or sweet almond flavored anything! Ew, and flan, or custard type pastery.
30) I love wine, how complex it can be.  But due to my history (#14) I don't allow myself to become a collector or enthusiast.  I'm a mooch instead!
31) A gorgeous starry night up in mountains moves me to tears.
32) I had a miscarriage last August.  It hurt on many many levels.
33) I have a tattoo.
34) I have a very sick and twisted goofy sense of humor. ( I love Reno 911)
35) I've done drugs, but nothing illegal since I was 22
36)  I live my life according to my intuition.
37) While I loved my time in a small town and miss it, I raise my kids in Silicon Valley not only due to Hubby's  work, but due to it's amazing diversity.
38) I don't have a favorite food, favorite song, book, or movie... I love too many of them to chose a favorite.
39) I have a few dear dear close friends, but a best friend?  Isn't that rather elementary school?
40) I get excited at parades and dance with  my kids to marching bands.
41) My favorite get away is to Pacific Grove, CA
42) I can't sleep well without Hubby home.
43) I hate "bass" or loud anything.
44) I talk in my sleep, but not as much as my husband.
45) If I see an elephant ride at a fair, I MUST do it.  I LOVE riding elephants!
46) I have to have pens in my bag at all times, and some kind of lip balm, and sunglasses too.
47) I wasn't thinking of dating when I re-met my husband and instantly fell head over heels.
48) I weigh what I did in high school (when not pregnant)
49) I carry the gene for Sickle Cell anemia, so I am chronically anemic.  Iron! so simple.
50) I love foggy soggy weather, and would live in Seattle (or even Alaska) if it made sense to do so.

I was bored last night after putting The babes to bed.  I didn't want to zone out in front of the TV, so instead I opted to zone out in front of the computer.  I started googling things.

Now, I have heard tell the wonders of google searching and have had a lot of fun doing research on the oddest things there in the past.  So I started doing the same last night.

I went to the "don't go there" category.  I googled an ex.  My first long term, first "l" word relationship ex.  The high school and part of college ex.

This post will not be about him, exactly.  Out of respect for his privacy, that would be disrespectful, and it's not the point of this entry.  The point of this entry is the incredible and kind of scary power of what can be gleaned about someone's life from doing a good google search!

In the time of one half hour at the most, I got an insane amount of information.  I had to stop from time to time for laughing fits, and a phone call to my mother to tell her what I found.  I got odd facts, like he changed his name. I got that from a photo gallery where he was known by his current name, with (aka...old name) in the photos.  Photos posted by someone else about a trip taken by a group.  I got his current profession, with his listings of education and credentials, chatter by those who have worked with him.  I got comments he left on other people's websites. I got address, phone number, e-mail.  I got that he is now married and a daddy!  Congrats!  I also got not only his wife's name, her previous name, and her profession and approximate age,  but I got a family picture of them with their newborn baby from a bay area publication of her profession!  It was like a game of "do you want to know more???" from "Starship Troopers".

Hubby got home late and asked how I found all of this.  I had been AIMing him about it through the evening.  I was able to retrace my searching steps in three minutes flat.  Then I made the mistake of saying how I  could not be found via google.  Well, hubby spent the next twenty minutes with better research skills than me ( I was impressed and learned a lot) trying to find me.  He tried my maiden name, my geographical locations prior to our lives together.  You would think that I appeared out of thin air or was a ghost raising his kids.  I laughed.  "Good thing you always know where I am, Love!"  Blessings of having such a darned common first name?

But you know what?  Of my search earlier in the evening... what was spooky was that none of the info put on the web was info that was put out as an advertisement of his personal life!  I don't think the ex is aware that so much of his info is out there beyond the realm of his professional existence.  There was no blog, no personal web page or gallery posted, no wedding/birth announcement pages.  Nothing that most folks do to say, "look at my glorious life!" But I was still able to glean from very little effort so much personal info. 

I think what he's up to is wonderful and a true fit to the man he was becoming in our time together.  I googled him because his life took so many interesting turns, circuitous routes and tangential adventures, he could be anywhere doing just about anything.  I was curious to find out where he landed, if he ever did!  He did and seems (via web snoopage) to be doing great, and I'm really happy for him.  And yes, I will likely drop him a quick line to say hello and how I feel almost guilty finding out so much about his life without him telling me himself.  I know he'd be happy to share that info if I contacted him!  Things with us ended as they needed to, not with anger or hatred or anything.  We've seen each other some times since, but last I spoke with him was before Big Boy was a gleam in my eye.  Last I saw him was when I was, what?  24?

I just had to share the wonder and almost scary quality of google searching!  I thought of ending with a goofy phrase like "so google your ex today!" but c'mon.. that's just bad kharma.

Time to get on with my day!

Today was far far better than yesterday.  Taking it one breath at a time is truly a way to go. 

Honey Girl is now in a phase of figuring out just how to manage to pull a tantrum EVERY time she is put into her car seat.  Truly... I dunno... 8 week old behavior, but we're riding with it.  I applaude Big Boy for not smacking her, especially now that they are sitting right next to each other with the Odyssey seats to make the tethering of the dog easier in the third row.

Buck did great in his crate while we were out and I think it was a good break for him from the kids.  Heck, I sometimes feel that being sent to bed for two hours while others run errands with the kids is heavenly too!  Today showed us something interesting.  Buck just may need to have the nickname of Spark.  Y'know.... the dog from the first season of South Park?  Most likely not, but it was funny, if even embarrassing.  He was fixated on a dog at the dog park today.  A dog that could very well have been a clone of him.  The dog was a labradoodle, male, un-neutered and a couple years old.  After running around for a while,  Buck just had to get into that whole dominance humping thing.  He just couldn't help himself.  OK, big guy.... we get it, you're all that (not).  Hubby gae me AIM chuckels when I recounted that.  Buck started to do it again later with another dog that really could care less.  The owner could care less too.  Me, I cared, so it was the end of our park visit.

The last few days I've been in a half state of terror and anticiaption over the incoming addition to our family.  I wonder how I will handle school vacation weeks when there's another person around who needs to be breastfed, napped, and cared for whle busting up fights between the older two and making sure Honey Girl doesn't finally tick off the dog.... she is so pushing it sometimes.  I freak about the sleep deprivation, the letting go of the housework just to stay sane...the morning routine with an infant introduced to it.  I worry about the alienation that comes from taking the leap with baby number three while others are enjoying coffee with the baby while the older is in school all day.  I worry about days i feel like I'm hanging by a thread already and what another will do to me.

A mom from Honey Girl's school has a little one that will turn one year this month.  Or HAS turned one year already... eeks, have to remember a happy birthday next I see her.  Every time I saw her she would say "Survived the first *insert number here* month(s), and still smiling, so I'm doing FANTASTIC!"  We don't see much of each other, but I leave her notes in her family file to let her know I miss our walks.  We did fitness walks once a week while her daughter's sleep cycle allowed it.  Naptimes changed, and so her schedule changed.  But she always says, "I LIKE you A LOT... my life is just crazy!"  This makes me laugh.  And a little scared.  Other M-O-3s I know have kids that are older.  They have survived/ thrived and look at me with cheerful happiness and yet sympathy about my #3.  It really is a bit of a societal divide.  cars, houses, tables, vacation packages, games are often built for 4.  We simply knew we were meant to have one more.  Always did, from before we were married.  It is exceedingly doubtful another is in the cards.

This evening as I was slurping the last of my dinner, I allowed the kids to watch Maya & Miguel so i could be alone with my thoughts instead of answering questions about the Lorax and why the Onc-ler doesn't have a face in the Dr. Seuss book.  Maya& Miguel;  show they never see, and there it was at the very beginning:  a pre-teen cartoon telling me what I needed to hear.  Go Figure.  Along the lines of "Sometimes you think you might now what is going to happen.  And you think it might be scary, so you feel afraid.  But really... when you come to it, it might be a frightening at first... but if you take a deep breath and just go along for the ride, you will find it really can be a lot of fun."  Such Zen wisdom right when I needed it.  Truth be told, I can hire a dog walker or a babysitter if I feel like I might snap.  Yes, I may be grumpy and tired and out of it or out of my mind for a while, but I've been there before and I know that all things are impermanent.  Time goes by so very fast.  I may well be out of the loop from friends for a few months, but that's new motherhood if it's your first or your tenth.  So after hearing these wise words from a PBS pre-teen latina cartoon, I took a deep breath and felt the little girl inside thump.  Just have faith, Jess... because in the hardest times of all... that is the greatest strength that never wears out.  Surrender to the chaos and beauty that is life as a mother of a larger brood.

Yesterday was a rough day.  For whatever reason.  For every reason.  I felt like I spent a lot of time yelling at the kids.  For running off into the great beyond while we are out and about.  For hitting each other, for being nasty or mean.  For seemingly teasing our wonder dog.  It just was not fun.

I am a strict and loving mother.  I am strict in that no matter where or when, if certain rules are broken, I have no qualms with disciplining my kids in public or private.  I could care less if someone looks at me as I'm scolding my kid and the kid is blubbering away.  To be honest, I have gotten more supportive looks for this behavior than disapproving looks.

The good guess as to myhellish day is that the kids and the dog (and, er.. ME!!!) were returning to the world of "just one parent home today".  That means, wherever we go, we go together.  The buck (no pun intended!) stops with me.  There is no splitting of the herd for errands to trips to the park.  There is more compromise, more negotiation... or in many many ways... no negotiation at all, because safety rules are safety rules, and if you do something blatantly unsafe... you have MOMMY to deal with.

Case in point.  Big Boy took off at the park yesterday.  This happens.  But this happened after three conversations about NOT doing this.  He ran off and disappeared briefly beyond a building.  The park was pretty crowded with parents and general people.  I hollered for him and he returned, pointed to where he was going and was about to run off again.  Fury.  "No!  NO!  Come back and talk to me!  NNNNOOOWWWW!!!"  As he returned slowly and reluctantly, he got The Lecture.    You know the one... about not just running off, about being aware of your surroundings, making sure Mommy knows where you are, that this is the FIRST rule of going to the park.. blah blah blah.....None of this is unusual, but this is the funny part:  there was a dad there.  A dad I sort of know from having met his wife once years ago and seeing him once at a Music Together class.  He clearly had no recollection of me, and that's fine.  He was following his eldest daughter about.  She's about 3 and some.  I'm assuming the infant was home with mom.  He was within two feet of her everywhere she went.  As in,  on structures or off.  After I gather Honey Girl from the teeter totter,  reward the ever patient dog, and rejoin the sulking Big Boy to join him on the excursion he had planned  The Dad says something to me.  He says, "Actually, I did hear him saying he wanted to run over there... maybe you couldn't hear him over the wind."    I Breathed in a deep breath of patience and said, "Well, you might have heard him, but he understands well the I need to hear him because I'm his mom.  I need to hear him because we are all here together.  Things get interesting at parks when you have two who are both equally independent and equally mobile."

Now, what I wanted to say was (sarcastically) "Gee, THANK YOU!!!! I'm so glad that YOU, a complete stranger to my child, are aware of where he is when I might not have been!  I'm SO GLAD you enlightened me as to my inability to hear my child over "the wind" or the screaming millions of other children and chatting grown ups here at the park today.  Thanks for sticking up for his act of not coming to me to tell me his plans.  So, if something had happened to him, would you have said, ' yeah, I heard him yell to her from over 20 yds away, but she didn't hear him, then this person came along and I saw him walk off with that stranger because.. well... not my fault his mom didn't hear him over THE WIND."

Life is so different when you have only one child to watch at a park that is crowded.  I do not envy this father one bit, as I love going places with both my kids ( and even the dog too).  But I admit, as we continued our park adventure together and all the family was back together, I couldn't help but think " the ignorance of some parents"

Well, this morning I was sipping at my tea telling myself I did not want another day like yesterday.  That I'd take the day as it came, one step at a time.  I didn't want to have another day of yelling.  It's just not fun for anyone.  We'd do a lot less, most likely.  Just then we were watching some nameless kids' educational show.  A penguin character said, "Oh what's that word when you don't know what to say and you're angry and don't feel like anyone is slistening to you.... OH yes!  Annoyed!  I'm feeling ANNOYED!"  Big boy turns to me and says, "Mommy?  Are you annoyed right now?"  "No, Big Boy, I'm not annoyed right now."  then he looks back at the tv and hten back at me, "Mommy?  Are you annoyed allll the time???"  So that sealed the deal.  Today was not going to be a yelling day.  That lasted a bit over an hour.  Honey Girl got it in the car because it will be a miraculous day when we can get her out of the house and into her car seat without her throwing a fit about something along the way about wanting something Big bOy has, about wanting something that's in  the house... and, well, I snapped about it today.

Well, just another week before our schedule returns to normal.  As in before schools start again.  I'm going to have to get more creative.

We had a good day.

Mom came over yesterday and she and I spent an hour or so doing all the wrapping and sorting and putting of gifts under the tree.  I could not have pulled it off without her help.  We spent the rest of the day keeping the kids from tearing into the gifts, scrathing the gifts.. etc etc etc.

Big Boy had trouble sleeping last night.  I finally went upstairs early with him and brought him into our bed and cuddled and talked with him and Cleo climbed up on him and started purring.  That cat did the trick.  His body relaxed, he fought the sleep but then he started snoring like a bear.... and slobbering like one too.  Later Hubby moved him back to his bed. 

Mom was woken up in the pre-dawn light by Big Boy.  He told her he was "really concerned that Santa might not have gotten the change in our address."  She enjoyed having time with him in her room until the sun came up and he could venture down to see... Did Santa come?

Santa found us (of course)

I cooked up  a storm.  twice.  A cowboy breakfast and a big late lunch, early dinner meal.  Turkey, stuffing (that was left forgotten in the warmer until after dinner!!) Grandma Toni's mac and cheese,  mashed potatoes, artichokes, asparagus, salad, apple pie, pumpkin pie. Moms helped toward the end when my stamina felt it was waning. One mom made the salad, the other chopped potatoes, prepped asparagus.  It was nice. 

I made a killer mug of egg nog for my dad... with some Jim Beam in it.  The smell in the measuring cup was so strong I had to rinse it and put it in the washer.  But the smell of the egg nog drink was mighty nice.

We called Hubby's family in Atlanta, in Chicago.  We told them about our baby girl due in May.  They're excited.  We all took turns thinking of names for the baby, as I am drawing a blank so far.  My mother kept coming up with names based on plant life or rock formations or geographic locations.  She woudl also say what kind of woman would come to mind with different names.  ie, " That name makes me think of an old miser with ratty old stockings with the back stitch al crooked."  It was funny.  My dad had one suggestion... over and over... such that when we said goodbye,  he said, "So isn't it settled?  Isn't the name going to be...?"  It was cute.  My other mom would read names from a website, and agree or disagree about names.  The moms and I got a name we really did like quite a bit, and were all happy, then I ventured it to Hubby and it flew about as good as a lead albatross.  Finding a name is a very funny process.

Buck was a hit.  The new love of everyone.  Getting loves and rubs and pats and conversation and getting walked and turkey scraps.  He is *rather* tired out.  But feeling the love, no doubt.

Our babysitter and another set of neighbors  came by with small gifts.  It was so sweet.  I of course kicked myself for being so done before getting them anything.  I'll catch them New Year's hopefully.

Hubby goes back to work tomorrow.  I am sad about this.  It takes some days to adjust to him being home, but once we get our rhythms in sync, I don't want him to go.  Ah, yes... Code monkey family life.  Tonight Big Boy asked me, " Momma?  Why are you with us all the time?"  I asked, " You mean, instead of going to work every day?"  "Yes."  "Well, my dear, YOU are my greatest work and the best job I could ever have!"

I have a feeling of relief tonight, and also a feeling of *eegadz* as I have a week of both kids on school vacations and no Hubby home.  I know it will all go well.  But I will miss seeing Hubby around the house doing his projects.  I'll miss the hugs and kisses out of nowhere.  I'll miss him jumping in to handle an argument between the kiddos.

There were some wonderful gifts exchanged today.  But to sound oh-so-holiday spirit-ish.  The best thing was the time with family, talking, playing, discussion, calling relatives far away, but near to our hearts, and enjoying our company.  That is what the true spirit of the Holidays is all about.

I have to admit.... I am so ready to take down the tree and reclaim my house, it is an itch on my subconscious!

Namaste.

I went grocery shopping early this morning and it was heavenly.  It was fairly early so most folks were not there yet.  Hubby stayed home with the kids so it was... JUST ME!!!  yahoo!  I got a mocha and meandered down the aisles and was able to think of ingredients for holiday meals without worry of never being able to return to an aisle if I forgot something.  It was a lovely experience.  So lovely in fact, I called Hubby while I was out and thanked him for (I know this sound wacky) being able to go out and grocery shop alone!

I got home and unloaded the car and figured I'd get one single item at Target.  Just one.  A tea kettle.  We needed one and Hubby's aunt and uncle had sent us a target gift car.  It was a mistake.  Madness I tell you!  Madness.  People were nice enough, but it was a mob scene.  All checkouts were running, all filled.  It was that last minute holiday madness I have nightmares about.  The stuff I avoid like the plague.

I thought about it as I drove home.  Did I really get people what I needed to get them?  Did I get all the gifts i needed to?  Aw, forget about it.  I've done enough.  How do I know this?  Because I simply cannot do more!  I hate crowds, I hate driving through parking lots.  I hate the glaze that goes over my brain as I try to find something in stores laid out to distract me from my list.  Sensory overload.  Leading to brain deadedness that makes leaving and getting out of the parking lot without a temper tantrum a difficulty.  Also, it is now too late to order anything online and manage to get anything anywhere.  The deal is done.  The deadlines are passed.  The dye is cast on this lovely holiday.

So tonight I called up to my dad to see what their plans were.  Were he and my step mom going to come to our place Christmas day?  My mom is coming down tomorrow AM and spending the night and helping us do this Christmas thing with the kids.  Most folks know months ahead of time what their plans are on Christmas, but us... not so much.  Well, they've decided to come down in the afternoon.  So now my mind wonders.  I got a small turkey and was going to do a yummy Christmas even dinner with mom, but then I don't have anything nice to cook for Christmas day.  Maybe postpone the fancy meal to Christmas day?  But it's not enough bird.  I'll think of something tonight to whip up and do two fancy dinners and a fancy brunch in two days.  Heck, I'll gain 5 pounds in two days, but with all the running around I do, should turn out just fine.

Cornbread stuffing, Turkey, mashed potatoes, grandma Toni's mac and cheese, salad, artichokes, asparagus, green beans.  Pies. sugar cookies for good ole st. nick.  What are you fixin'?

We are not going to go down to the desert this year for the holidays.  Grandma has said she really would rather we stay up here so Hubby can rest and rejuvenate from his job.  She knows we have the new family member (Buck now snoring and running in a dream on the floor) settling in, and understands what all it takes for us to manage the whole kit and kaboodle to get there.  The mini van full for the 12+ hour drive and the full day recovery from said drive on either side of the trip.

I've been calling her more to check up on her.  It feels strange to not be with her, though we do need to rest now.  She's been suffering badly with arthritis pain, rheumatoid arthritis that has birthed itself and become a crippling aspect of her life just since Grandpa Ron died last January.  Within a week of his death, and actually from the moment she heard of his death, her body has not been the same.  Right now she is feeling much better, and explained in her own words without naming the medication, that she has been put on a form of Chemotherapy to tame her immune system to get out of the pain of the arthritis.  You know me, otherwise I would ask her what med, research it, ask her to ask her doctor x, y, and z.... but she sounds so much better, I feel I'm trusting the doc on this one.  Due to this therapy, she has had cold after cold.  Also since it is oddly cold down there this year (in the 20s last we spoke), I'm sure it's not helping.  Those of you in the know about chemo know it is NOT a good idea to take preschoolers to visit someone on chemo, as they are infectious little buggers.  So, I know it is "the right thing to do" to NOT be there.

Last night I directed Grandma to my blog so she could see pictures of Buck.  Her dog Bandit looks exactly the same, just half the size and chubby now in his older age.  She loved the pictures and left a sweet comment about them. 

Later last night,  I got a notification that someone left another comment on my blog from a post written a long long time ago.  Usually when this happens, it is spam.  Since I have no desire to advertise someone's porn site from my blog I immediately checked into the comment.

It was another comment from Grandma.  And the comment was on the post I managed to get out a couple days after Grandpa died.  This post was one I have never looked back at.  One I could hardly get out at the time, much less to relive it.  I wrote it to help exercise the pain I was in.  It helped, I moved on.  Well, last night, I read it again and promptly found myself sobbing over my keyboard and going back to that time and place and hurt and ev-er-y-thing.  I was shocked at how easily it all welled up in me again.

But I also saw in that post how much wonderful support I had in that time from my friends and family, and how in such a dark and deep and excruciating place, there was so much love, hope, and faith.

After I finished the post (kids out cold, Hubby taking Buck out for his last pee of the evening) I washed my face, blew my nose about ten times, and took some deep breaths.  Just to be able to breathe again.  I honestly don't ever see myself getting over the loss of Grandpa or how suddenly and how blindsided we all were by it.  But I do see now, looking back (not even a full year back) that  we as a family did everything we could to respect his wishes and to be there with him and surround him with love for every last minute of his life.

So, thank you too, Grandma.  I can't imagine what it must have felt like to read that post for the first time, most likely as a result of clicking on my Grandpa Ron subcategory.  He is with us all the time still.  I still talk to him, too.  I love you.

My aunt sent me this one, figured since I'm too tired to post something of my own.. this shall do for today!:

On the 12th day of the Euro-centrically imposed midwinter festival; my Significant Other as a consenting adult, in a monogamous relationship gave to me:

TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,

ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note),

TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping,

NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,

EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans,

SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,

SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products,

FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration,

(NOTE after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)

FOUR hours of recorded whale songs

THREE deconstructionist poets

TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses and...

ONE Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.

First things first, the dog:

also known as "Buck" or:  Buckerooo,  Buckmeister, The Buck Man, Buck-boo (by Honey Girl), and Buck-Buck.  But most often "good dog".

I was surfing along one night not really shopping for a dog when I found myself on the Furry Friends Rescue.  I clicked and clicked and there he was; our dog Buck.  I called Hubby over to the computer and he immediately gushed.  We both agreed that this was our dog.  So I figured, why not just go ahead and apply to adopt this dog.  I mean, if they just tell us to go away since we have kids and no yard, we won't be hurt... too badly. 

I need to add here that when it comes to pets or other huge life decisions, Hubby and I follow our intuition.  I do not believe in coincidence.  For ages I was telling people we would not get a dog until our youngest child was 5, as to do otherwise would be abuse to the animal.  But something *something* lead me to Buck that night.  Dog owners, dog rescuers, you know what I mean.

Well, I had a great talk on the phone with Vivien Dennis.  We arranged to meet Buck in Fremont the following weekend.  We met the family in need of the rescue of Buck.  They were wonderful.  They have a little girl and Buck is great with her.  Big Boy seemed shy or scared at first, but once I mentioned that it might not work for Buck to live with us if he was scared of him, Big Boy immediately went over, gave Buck treat after treat and pet him and talked about what a nice dog he was.  Those of you who know Big Boy are, I'm sure, laughing at this.  Of course we were in love.  Big scruffy wonderful mutt of our dreams.

Then came the home visit and photo tour of our home we did for Furry Friends.  Both went over real well.  At that point, Hubby and I were quietly biting our nails as it would feel horrible to not have Buck join our family.  I wondered out loud if this was what it felt like to begin a child adoption process.  In a very minor way....

Buck came home about a week ago.  To open arms, open hearts, a new set of dishes, toys, crate and new neighborhood to sniff and pee on.  Our lives are forever changed even more to the positive.  He's now crate trained, he's a joy to walk, and the walks are doing us good too.  Whichever of us does the morning walk (6:45 or 7am) is the one of us in the best morning mood.  I like trolling the neighborhood in my jammies, scarf, jacket and morning face!

There were some veterinary concerns.  Buck had not been to the vet in a few years.  He's up on his shots.  We took him in for a check for heart worms or other such things this might take up residence if not actively kept at bay.  All his tests came back negative.  He got a body shave down.  He'll get in with the REAL groomer next year, as he is booked at this time.

He's our new BFF.

And The Chop:

I've been back and forth over the hating of the hair for over a year now.  The tie it up, tie it back, let it be wispy, floppy, unkept, sultry.. but mostly.... tied back.

Because I'm losing interest in my self absorbed stupid story about my hair, I'll be brief.

I got seven inches chopped off of it today.  The stylist told me what she would do if given the problem of how to give me a short cut that looked up to date, wasn't a bob and showed off my curls.  She did me a good one.  I like it a lot. 

Please no jokes about the dog looking like the owner or vice versa.

so, here are the pictures of me with "the chop" and "the dog"