Jessica's Blog

This is off topic for me as a SAHM mom chasing kids, navigating mommy politics and supporting friends, doing cool wife stuff I won't share...  But it just struck me again... and I'm noticing just how much I miss it.

There is such a  joy to watching a film in another language... KNOWING the subtitles aren't exactly right and laughing at jokes before folks can read the words.

I miss reading the french version of Vogue or other french mags.  The joy of reading a different language.  yeah.. Baudelaire etc.  It titillates my mater gris.

I would love to re-learn Spanish.  I had a few years in elementary school and can understanding half of every Spanish conversation.  Very helpful when working in middle schools in Mountain View to keep kids on their toes that they weren't speaking in code... but not enough to enjoy speaking it.  I still order my burrito in english, but will correct my mom's spanish if she orders incorrectly!

I've fantasized about being an interpreter.

I think it stems from a love of understanding people in their own language.  Of being able to listen to their words directly.  Of loving the idea of travel (even though I always got sick or wayyyyy jet lagged).  Who knows, maybe it stems from this recent press hatred of immigration stuff.  A topic I am honestly conflicted about.

This isn't what I usually write about.  But I was behooved to do it.

All the other momma/ wife/ kids/ yadda yadda stuff just didn't' hit me tonight.

-Jess
 

The kids and I had a vacation last weekend.  We took a trip to my grandma's house (aka GGma).  My bio-mom joined us down there for a Mother's Day extended weekend.  We had a BLAST. 

I was more than in need of a change of scene and bit of rest.  Many of you have been reading about my fighting exhaustion.  This did the trick, for sure.  Being in company of other awesome women, laughing, telling stories, playing with kiddos, and sharing a couple tears as well.  Funny how that's rarely a prescribed healing practice.  RETREAT!

The trip was awesome.  I didn't exactly sleep more, but I did score myself one nap (that lasted about 4 hours!).  My mom and grandma would play with the kiddos for a hour or so at a time and then they'd take naps afterward for about an hour or so!  It was funny.  Having them around was priceless.  I was grateful and they got an idea of just what I do during the day ;-)  always good.

I got the greatest gifts a mom of two little ones could get!  I got 1) early AM childcare for my early rising Baby Girl so I could sleep in until about 7:30AM! 2) Dinners prepared or delivered each night! 3) warm sunny sun and a salt water swimming pool for fun in the sun with the kiddos! 3)  Time to SIT DOWN and no need to constantly clean up and pick up or chase them or break up fights!!  In fact they didn't fight as much because there were so many things to do and so many grown ups to be with.... they kept busy.  They also slept well after wearing themselves out.

Yes I did laundry and made breakfast and lunches for my kids... diaper duty, baths clothing etc.. BUt in grandma's kitchen and as soon as they ate, they were off to play with "Muhghi" or "ggma". 

After a couple days of watching the effect my babes had on my women elders I realized with a smile that I am far from depressed.  I love my kids exceedingly and a bit too much!  I go above and beyond for them on a daily basis and they return the favor with "I love yous" and kisses and hugs... I look forward to maybe having another and at the same time,  I am simply exhausted.

They are great travelers, big boy and baby girl.  They are sweet, patient, gently mannered, well-liked by folks kids that do great "on the road".  I learned I can easily travel with them.  Yeah, it's work, but I never once felt like I couldn't do it or regretted trying it out.  We had fun.  I'd do it again funds and time allowing anytime.

We missed Daddy.  Hubby was home working hard weekends and weekdays until the wee hours.  partly because it was needed, but also partly because as he put it "Why go home if you're not there?!?!"  The cats were happy to see us return ;-) While we were out he cleaned the garage!  He got the cars detailed!  It was killer getting picked up in a transformed back to new car from "mommy car" Odessey.  We had quite the rude awakening at drop off time when we saw what lurked beneath the removed  car seats!  While we missed Hubby a lot, the trip was definitely beneficial.  Yeah, we now have colds (Mom and Grandma do to, actually).  We wore ourselves out with fun, and now being home is just fine.

Never discount the importance of having a change of scene.  It doesn't need to be a fancy vacation or a resort adventure.  Just getting to a different place for a day or so really does help the psyche, breaks the routine and helps revitalize...even if more sleep isn't part of the deal.

Thank you Mom and Grandma Toni.  I know you were thanking me too, but I am grateful to my core for all the fun fun fun we had with the kiddos while with you.  You filled up my heart.

turns out the roach was an outdoor only roach.

They exterminator didn't want to take my money for something easily handled by Yard Guard from the local hardware store.

The ick factor:  He said this particular bug (Oriental roach) will be seen a lot more real soon because Santa Clara county laid off the exterminator team that handled the roaches in the sewers.  He said that now they are coming out of the sewers and popping up all over San Jose, Willow Glen and Campbell.

"It probably hitched a ride inside on someone's pants.  Just check your pants when you stand on your top step and sweep them off before coming inside, as they live in the shrubs out front and along that white picket fence there."

We are advised to treat the garage and garbage cans.. this one may have come up the stairs from the garage.

I asked him about the junebug cross breeding and that the roaches aren't afraid of light.  He smiled and said "I don't think roaches fear much of anything anymore."

thanks, Orkin man!

heh heh ew!

I had a horrible surprise discovery this AM while making myself some breakfast.

I opened the kitchen utensil drawer  to a VERY LARGE insect of the ROACH persuasion in my kitchen.  My kitchen.  Neat knick nightmare kitchen keeper Jess. 

Yeah.  I kinda squealed and slammed the drawer shut.  Took a deep breath... calmed the children who were asking "what is it, Momma?  What is it, Momma????"  I got a sippy cup I had no intention of using ever again, captured the butt ugly soon to rule the earth emmer effer and took it outside.  Yes, took it outside; as in... went to the front door and hurled the cup, lid and all into the hedges outside, slammed the door and did an "icky icky" dance and prompty washed my hands.

Never in my life have I been host to a roach.  Ants of course.... too many invasions haunt my memory and cause me to be ultra neat and seal things up in the kitchen...I thought I found a roach once in our old house, but it was a potato bug.  I'm quite certain this ugly thang was the real McCoy.  Big as my thumb, but flat with long ass antennae and dark mahogany brown.

I immediately called a exterminator.  I was reassured it has nothing to do with my cleanliness.. most likely a neighbor or "it may have caught a ride home from Costco in a box flat".  I was given a possible description of what particular breed of roach it was, signed up for HELP and they will be by tomorrow AM after Big Boy's parent teacher conference is done.  I was given the exterminator line that is so not reassuring that if I saw one, there are probably quite a few more in the walls.  lovely thought.

I spoke with the Dir. of Big Boy's school and told her about my discovery.  She groaned an understanding groan and said "due to OUR neighbors" (they are between two different lunch type eateries) They sadly come across roaches from time to time in the side storage yard.  Then she told me something that just was.. well, WRONG!

This is what is making friends heads spin when I tell them the story.  She said, "Y'know.... one of the reasons why you were probably able to capture it is because, well, they have (in this area) cross bread with junebugs, thus causing them to no longer be fearful of light.  they don't scamper anymore, and they are a little slower to catch."

***SHUTTER***

Under advisement of the customer service operator.. I went outside and retrieved the offending thing (in the sippy cup) and sealed the cup in  a ziploc baggie and thumb-tacked it to our bulletin board.  Big Boy really wants to see this bug that has caused so many phonecalls.. I've reassured him that when "the bug man" comes tomorrow, he will likely take out the bug and Big Boy can get a good look.

I have not seen another one, never saw one before... butnow I have a heebie-jeebie feeling whenever I reach for a drawer or cabinet pull.  Ah, city living.

They may inherit the earth.... cross breeding, becoming immune to bug sprays.. loving radio active waste.. but those buggers sure as heck will not set up in my walls if I have anything to do with it!

*huff, puff huff puff*

I meant to put out there a thank you to my good friends who CALLED and wanted to talk to me about my being so tired.  And thank you to those leaving comments as well.  It really helped me feel so very loved.  I know that's a little corny, but we all know how it feels in those dark emotional alleyways when things feel kind of lonely and alienated.  You all really lifted my spirits and helped me get more motivated to self-care myself a bit.

I have been feeling better... resting more, and making more plans with hubby and vacation with the kiddos, meals with friends.  I feel better day by day and today was physically rough and emotionally rough as well on the preschooler front... so I'm dragging a bit, but ok.

I did notice something though.  I was cleaning out our storage unit this AM and opened up box after box of photos of my dad as a little boy and a photo (friends probably remember this one) of my great grandmother holding my grandfather when he was just 2 years old.  All was good, but driving to pick up Big Boy at school, my eyes welled up a bit and while I was FINE... I immediately felt tired out and like I wanted to sleep.  So... yup. grief processing is exhausting for me.  Good to know, I'll keep on keeping on and I feel much better, bit by bit.

Our fair city has been toted to be the safest city in the USA.  Yup.  Crime may exist, but in lower amounts than in any other city in the country.  Wowsa.  interesting.. and by golly, how is that done???  I'll give you two guesses....

Well, this weekend Hubby and I had an amazingly great gift.  My mom stayed with the babes  so we could go out and stay in a hotel overnight.  Our first night away from the children in our parenting life.  Yeah, I know!  Long overdue.. but anyway.  We stayed at the Hilton in downtown San Jose and were home by 9AM.  Mom and kids had a great time (well, big boy had a grumpy AM) and she said she'd do it again in a heartbeat.  Sanity and true couple hood abound!

We walked from our house to the hotel because we live in midtown and it was nice evening.  On our way to the hotel we passed about a dozen mounted policemen and their horses as we strolled up Alameda Blvd.  A dozen.  In two or three groups of 3-4 each. We wondered if there was something going on at the Pavillion.  And yeah, the Sharks are in the playoffs.. and there was a large police presence over there with police motorcycles and cars and traffic patrol.  We saw two cars being pulled over on our walk to the hotel as well.  Interesting.

We dropped our bags off in the hotel room and decided to go to a movie.  We stepped out and walked up to the Cinema 12 theater deeper downtown in the pedestrian mall off of Market.  We saw another two cars pulled over in the downtown, and two sets of motorcycle cops.  Across the pedestrian mall from the movie theater were about 10 policemen having a coffee break at the starbuck's while their horses were scatter-tied to various poles about the walkway.

On our walk home, we saw more pull-overs and more cops.  It struck us as quite interesting.  Then I remembered  news reports on the local news station about restaurant and bar/club owners begging the police to ease off a bit because no one was buying alcohol with their meals or at the clubs.  Or, the town seemed to close down before midnight simply to avoid being stopped by the police on the way home.

Sunday on our way home from Costco we were put on a detour.  It looked like all the traffic from downtown Sharks game and Cinco De Mayo parade were being herded down one boulevard and cars were being "checked" for sobriety here and there.

I heard on the news today that there were 140 some-odd arrests and 400 some-odd citations given over the Cinco de Mayo weekend in San Jose... lots of public drunkenness and some assaults.  Now, KNOWING how many cops there are around... what kind of dumb ass would get trashed and belligerent in Downtown San Jose?!?!

Hubby grew up in Chi-town and I grew up (mostly) in San Francisco... we've seen our fair share of urban police enforcement.  While it was a bit odd to see sooooo  many police out this weekend... I have to admit;  I didn't mind it one bit.  They were all very friendly and polite. "good morning" "good evening" etc... smiles and friendly.  But man oh man... that was a lot of cops!  If I weren't such a straight laced old fart, I'd feel a little nervous. ha ha ha

So my doc called with the good news.  I am not anemic, my thryoid numbers are very good.  Liver and kidney functions are good as well.  He said to hang in there for a bit and if I don't improve.. or even if i do, he wants to check up on me in a month.  If I am not feeling better, then we will trouble shoot further.

So I am really happy to be told that I am "healthy".  I use the quotes because I still am struggling through the days.  Not so bad today.  Maybe being out with the kids for much of the day out in the bright sunshine was good for me?  Seeing friends and the kids seeing their friends on our playgroup day? I dunno.

The more I consider depression as a possibility, the less likely that seems the case, because I am quite functional.  I'm not irritable, or weepy, or short temptered (at least I don't think I am! ;-)).  I sleep well and wake up well... I just get tired.  I am whooped come kiddo bedtime now that big boy doesn't nap.  I do feel much much better on the rare occasion of crying it out sadness-processing grief... just continued grief processing?

It could be we have a clear cut case of a really darned exhausted mom who is a bit crispy.  Hubby had to work **late** all last week... and the last couple weekends, so while I enjoyed the "me time"  It's been some time of sole-caregiving for the kiddos.  A lot of demons were processing in my sleep...wacky dreams.  So much else going on.  I do feel "better" today than other days, before I got the call from the doc, but I do wonder what is up with my body!?!?

Will I feel better if I just go to bed crazy early?  I'll keep chugging along and faking it til I make it.....one day at a time.. smile up at the sky and wish for better days...

**** I miss the rain!!!*****

any suggestions or thoughts?

Yes, this is a day late.

Yesterday afternoon, a rumbling hum came over our house.  It was a touch before 5pm, so I took a look out our front door and up into the sky.  Big Boy and Baby Girl were all a flutter. (no pun intdended).  Three news copters were just over our neighborhood staying in one spot.  Chennels 4, 7, and 11.  Hmmm.  I figured it was for A Day Without Immigrants.  So, I turned on the tv... was promptly informed the around 50-70 thousand people were walking up Santa Cruz Avenue to HP Pavillion in demonstration.  Wow.  that's all of two blocks from my house. 

OOOooooo.  Hmmmm.  I wanted to go check it out.  I had thought during the day of joining, but really wasn't sure of how the two little ones would fare in the crowds, but the march was coming to a close, and at least we could see the finish line, right? Maybe hear part of the rally.  I ran the idea by Big Boy and he really wanted to go.  Baby Girl get an emphatic "YYYYes!"  but she's so little who knows what she thought she was getting herself into!

We put on our white shirts (to show solidarity) and packed into the double stroller and headed off across the train tracks for quite the amazing site to behold.  Beyond the dozens of police cars, motorcycles, and mounties,  we could hear the roar of the people and the music of the rally stand.  When we got to HP Pavillion, we were greeted by about 50 people in full aztec head dress and costume, with drums booming and bells and whistles leading an ocean of white and American flags.  Other families with wee ones were joining when we were... the stroller contingent. 

It was so moving to see the march.  Yes, I have marched quite a few times in my life... I'm pretty sure I've been strollered in some marches too when I was too little to walk.  So it was all the more moving.  A sea of people in white with thousands upon thousands of American flags.  As the march bottlenecked into the park,  people spilled out over to HP, and we would back up bit by bit, as I wasn't ready to be too in the mix.. the fact that Big Boy would holler over the marchers "Momma!  Too loud!  Too crowded!"  Whenever another wave would come to the overpass, a roar of "Si, Se Puede!" would ring out with cow bells and drums.  The signs (non of which I can remember right now) were along the lines of the modern system being a glorified slavery and the we are a nation of immigrants.

It was quite the historical moment.  My senses were all a tingle as they only get when doing a political march.. being part of something "bigger".

We headed home as the crowd grew larger and larger, and as bedtime grew close and closer.  I called my mom on her cell phone to let her know I did the duty of taking the kids to their first march, and she was exceedingly proud.  Her office in S.F. (where she is an exec dir. of a non-profit dealing in immigration/ refugee rights) was along the march path and she was soo moved.  Months ago when this process started, she was worried for the future of not only her institute, but our country.

My stance on immigration is quite confused, and clearly I am not alone.  We are indeed a nation of immigrants.  Clearly every "illegal" ( I prefer undocumented) that comes here finds work and is therefore needed and rewarded for the near death experience of getting here.  As it has been for generations... think of those who don't make it here, or back home.  Our "system" openly rewards exploitation of undocumented workers!  Why do you think goods are so cheap?  Why do you think services are so cheap?  How do you suppose our nightmare capitalist machine keeps running?  Nope, I don't like the garbage and mayhem that occurs at the border with Mexico, but the legislative ideas are an archaic solution.  When I say garbage I mean literal garbage (water bottles, clothing etc.. ) and also the dumb-ass militia border patrol shooting people and going vigilante.

I did notice places were much quieter and roads much emptier yesterday as people decided to boycott work and school.  I did felch and stopped at Starbucks because I didn't have anything for Baby Girl and she was soo soo hungry and I was thirsty.  It was deserted.. but I didn't buy anything other than that.  Gotta say that didn't send me the best message of life without immigrants: I liked the world being less congested!  But that is NOT the way to go about it.

We are a nation of immigrants.  Immigration policy is all kinds of wrong, but it can be fixed, and hopefully these last few days will spark that into being.

Si, se puede.