Jessica's Blog

I feel like in the last few days I have re-entered the world of the living.  This is as opposed to the world of the mourning, sad, or stressed with worry over Grandpa's illness world.

I spoke with a few friends today.  I called to say hello and check in.  Most said they had been thinking /worrying about me, but knew I would call when i was ready and that they decided to let me lick my wounds.  Thank you, you wonderful women.

I had a tummy flu last week.  Sudden, icky.  We've all been there.  But I swear I think I puked and otherwise "purged" the mourning out of me.  I fever slept for a day and half another day.  The timing of it was horrible.  But with each day, I felt less sad and felt more like I could think of/love/ reflect on Grandpa without tears or a choking feeling.

It is a way I handle difficult things in my life.  I don't want to bring down the masses with my sorrow or sob story.  I knew I couldn't truly be with folks without eliciting pity or seeming a downer, so I spared myself the "fake it til you make it" syndrome.  I took the time to go through this process, and am glad that I did.  I can now talk about it without my gut turning.  My Grandfather died after a short and furious battle against lung cancer.  I miss him horribly.  done.

I have had many many many visits from my Grandpa over the last month.  Conversations, holding my hand, telling me stuff....I don't want them to stop at all, as I do enjoy them; but two of them I would love to share.  The last that let me know I was ready to return to my friends recovered from sitting shiva.

The first was a goodie.  I was dreaming I was on a beach in Hawaii.  I could hear a baby hollering out for Momma.  I knew it was Baby Girl, but I was NOT ready to leave this dream yet.  I had EARNED this time on the beach, and the cry was more a demand than a need.  SO in my dream... she became "someone else's baby" .  C'mon moms out there.  We've all done this... or tried to sleep through it so our spouse would get the baby instead... you know you're out there!  Anyway.  I'm on my beach when Grandpa appears in front of me in a white linen shirt and pants and leans down and says in his wise and to-the-point tone "Go git  your child!".  Needless to say I startled out of that sleep like something out of a movie and promptly got out of bed and "got my child".

The other was just this weekend.  I was finally feeling about back to normal in my own body from the flu.  We had picked options on our new house.  I was realizing the overwhelming sadness had lifted and mused at the power of a tummy bug to quite seriously clean me out on physical/spiritual/ and emotional levels.  I was lying in bed half asleep thinking about this when I said, "Hey, Grandpa?  Grandpa?  I want you to know I miss you so very much, more than I have words for.  But... I also want you to know I'm okay now.  Okay to be wife to your favorite grandson and mother to your great grandbabies."  I took a deep breath and curled up and quickly fell into a light sleep.  I woke up to the clear as a bell feeling of Grandpa giving me a big kiss on my temple!  Stubbly.  soft mouth with just the same exact weight behind it.  The only feeling missing from this kiss on the temple from him was the overtly loud and often comical smoochy smoochy or zerbert sound he'd put behind it.  I woke up, rolled over and just smiled the first all the way through to my heart smile I had done in some time.

I'm proud of myself that I have not sugar coated, avoided or dramatized this emotional experience.  It feels good to feel functional again.  Now, if I could just help put Hubby back together we'll be golden.

Oh yes.. nearly took me back to the fights my sis and I would have (not really)

Riley and Huey on Boondocks .... too too much!

The Episode of "Let's nab Oprah"... aside from Samuel L. Jackson being the voice of a white guy... is hard core humor.

The sibling fight scene was priceless.  Kung fu, street fighting, pots and pans.  Ending in Riley getting his just desserts... just as Granddad appears.  Funny how the parents don't appear until half the furniture in the place is busted.

We bought a house.  We are buying from the builder so next Friday I go to pick out my options on what laminate flooring, what carpet, what glass shower doors.  It's very exciting.  We're looking forward to a more city oriented lifestyle... taking trains instead of the car, walking around downtown, maybe doing more arts and theater events.  The downside being the schools, and pretty much resigning ourselves to finding a "good private school".  that would pretty much stop the Westbrook factory from producing a #3. 

We sold our house this last week.  It didn't take long, but took longer than we would have liked, but then again... we were not in the best shape to handle offers around Grandpa's death, and hadn't set our sites on our new home.

Hubby is considering things recruiters have to offer him.  But I'm not going to say much more to that.

Big Boy is doing better.  He was adjusting to longer days at school when we had a visit from Hubby's mom.  He then came down with a flu this week, but as of today is recovered enough to go back to school tomorrow.  His behavior gets better every day as he starts to now verbalize his emotional processing.  He'll now bring us the phone and ask us to dial GGma, Grandma Margi, or Poppa.  They have their own private conversations (though I hear I miss yous and I love yous) , and my heart sings.

Baby Girl is just killer.  She's now talking up a storm and talking about wanting to use the toilet.  I may just jump at the chance to potty train her now and be done with it.  My diaper changing days over?  It's only been 3 and a half years of a few diapers a day.... wouldn't that be nice?

There are issues in my mom's family around my grandma.  Grandma wants to stay in her house, but her ability to live independently has come into question.  She's taken some nasty falls, has not been as mentally clear... it's a tough call.

I went out to my first social event since Grandpa died this weekend. Yup, folks... just a bit under a month since he died.  I went to a friend's baby shower.  I saw some mom-friends and played baby shower games.  It was so wonderful to see her family and meet her  mother and grandma I had heard so much about. 

I do find myself feeling "tentative".  I don't feel all that right yet.  I find it difficult to be around folks who all "know" and express their sympathy in succession.  I feel like I'm trying to learn to keep it together in this saddness and it's a daily, hourly thing.  Not to be melodramatic.  I told Hubby the other night that I am ready to feel "fine" again.  I'm ready to not cry so often.  Then I remember that it hasn't even been one month yet.  I take a deep breath, and let the tears flow.  Forgive myself, talk to Grandpa about it, listen to what he has to say.... wipe the tears and move on.

Saturday I beat myself up over how many visits we cut short because of Big Boy's inability to sleep well when traveling.  I was kicking myself over the look in Grandpa's eyes when we would drive away.  Over the times we didn't visit because it would be too hot for the kids.  Then, I got upset with Grandpa because he would say over and over and over "Don't worry your purdy little head, my darlin'.. you take your time.  We'll be here waiting for you.  We ain't going nowhere... we got no place to go." 

But I am getting out.  I am starting to be more social.  Spent a lot of time with the neighbors today.  I just keep on breathing and it will be fine.