Jessica's Blog

A good friend of mine had her first baby this last week. 

I don't want to get into detail or sex of child or anything, as that's private information, and I want to respect this new family.

She was AMAZING!  Her birth story wasn't an easy one.

My eyes welled up a bit when I went to visit her in her hospital room.  It was amazing to see the instant change from pregnant woman to mother.  Holding someone so precious and new to the world.  She looked so grounded in such an ungrounded time.  She had so much to say about this new person.  How they wanted to be held, the intricacies of their teeny tiny body.  It's amazing.  It's all so amazing.

She's amazing.

Here's to you Hillary.  Welcome to the club.  your card will be arriving shortly.  heh heh heh

A lot going on all at once.  That's just the way, isn't it? When it rains, it pours?  Luckily it doesn't feel so much like I'm drowning.  I may have just learned how to surf this wave, swim in this new sea of my life.

We have had some good time together as a family this past week.  Lots of house hunting.  Thankfully some good babysitter time allowing Hubby and I to do some said househunting or paperwork without the two kids in tow... also some date time.  No movies this holiday season.  We don't enjoy crowds and Hubby has no desire to see a love story about two cowboys (BUT I DO!!!).

Speaking of who we love and adore.  I love Big boy's school.  Big Boy's school is now surfing a wave of turmoil.  It's bad.    I'm not going to provide links, or feed a nasty fire.  One of the school's teachers has been arrested for possible possession of and selling of child pornography.  I know, I know.  No, I have no intention of pulling Big Boy from the school.  If anything, my heart goes out to them as they call each family and tell them the news and get a barrage of accusations and spite.  I have been helping out at the school two hours a week for the last three months or so and have worked with this teacher a bit.  I had no intuitive hits.  The layout and schedule of the school doesn't allow for any strange business at all.  There is no private corner or dark room.  It is a shock, gotta say.

But you know what I worry about?  I worry about parents overreacting, feeding off each other's worst fears, and continuing a spread of panic or misinformation.  The school took all of the steps they could have to check this teacher's background before working with him.  This is just something that is horrendous and just happens.  I don't think it matters the age of said child porn or naturalist pics or whatever.  I do know it isn't easy to pin someone for this.

Okay, enough of that.

Other things I love:  Grandpa is making a turn it seems!

After another cat scan, nuclear scan and chest x-ray.  The tumors have not grown further.  The blood work is good. He has decided to take the oxygen therapy and had his first good night of sleep in over a month. 

Those who think prayers, positive thought, and meditation don't really have an effect.... well... ya ain't been there!  When i heard this word I just had to do a happy dance and give a yahoo. 

He is still miserable and STILL losing weight.  He's now 137.  He was so weak going to these tests that he actually was in a wheelchair all day.  This from the man who refused such care before.  The road continues.  I feel I've made a good level of peace with my grandpa's illness.  That was what the flu was about... making me take the time.

that's about all I manage to put into type.

We are going to sell our townhouse and move on.  It's just time.  I can't think of a better time to beg for a distraction from my Grandpa's illness.  He's not doing so well.  So this is a positively charged endeavor.  I have a great team for house hunting.  I can go on.  But that's not what this blog entry is meant to be about.

We have gotten a storage unit.  We have cleaned out closets for show.  We have cleaned, thrown out the old and busted stuff **again**.  We are freeing up the chi and returnign harmony to our ever crowded house.

We came across a jewel in the cleaning up: the digital tape of our wedding!!!

Last night hubby had it on his computer and we watched it.  It was amazing and funny and heartwarming and a little sad.  I never had camcorders in my life growing up.  So the whole prospect of looking at life gone by in such a vivid way is still strange and haunting to me.

On the pure physical level it made me laugh. I was a good 20 pounds heavier... hair short...so cute and chubby and young, but still so me.  Hubby was so cute too. Lanky with a *big smile* six pack. We were 25/26.  Seems so wet behind the ears now!  We were so serious.  I get ow in such ar eal way why our parents had such tears at the end of the ceremony.  Their babies moving taking a right of passage.

The footage had some beautiful ghosts in it.  Great Grandma Ressa so peppy and petite.  She was so sweet that day.  So warm and full of grace.  She was 90 or 91 at the time.  She has since passed on.  To see her moving and talking and holding hands was a hit.  Grandpa Ogden was still walking and stout and able to speak, say grace. He blessed our marriage, aksed for a fruitful marriage right quick.  He died a year and a half ago after long painful slow decline due to a form of Parkinson's dementia that robbed him of every last bit of dignity.  There he was smiling, making jokes, walking with a cane and joking about it.  Then there were Toby and Buckley.... our ushers.. the family dogs in tuxedo collars at the reception.  Both pups are no longer with us.  So sweet and soulful and wondering what all was going on at their house that day... why they were "dressed up".  Toby getting pets from my best man... Buckley sniffing at the camera lense in his inquisitive and comical way.

Grandpa Ronald wasn't seen too much on camera... but he was so big and strong.  Big belly... strong handshake and smile.  Hubby and I were both so quiet and heavy when he came on the screen.  At our last phone update.. Grandpa is still losing weight despite the eating more some days, meds, and chemo... blood sugar spikes taking them to the ER... some days he doesn't speak, get out of bed, or eat.  He now weighs 142.  A gross difference from the 180+ frame in our wedding video.

As Hubby and I watched our ceremony and how I almost kissed him too soon and couldn't take my eyes off of him... I looked at him.  I love him more today than I did the day I married him.  I have greater comfort, understanding, patience, love, and dare I say passion than I did on that day.  He is wonderful.  He is so amazing in my eyes.  It was looking at our wedding day... a day I would not change one bit.. that made me realize how much we have held to our vows and grown with them and grown together.  We've had two beautiful babies, lived in three different places.  Had a few different jobs between us.  It's gone by so fast!  We joke about renewing our vows in a "bigger" ceremony than our first ( it was close family only) at 10 yrs.  We laughed and agreed that if the next 4 years go by as fast as the last (almost) 6.. we better start planning!

He is such an amazing man, Hubby is.  We really are perfect for each other.  I love him so much.  When I fell in love with him, it was because I couldn't imagine spending my life in any other way.  we continue to grow with each other.  We continue to laugh with/AT each other.  He brings me so much joy in so many ways.

Here's to you, Love.. you are the BEST.

Also love goes out to Great Gramma Ressa, Grandpa Ogden, Buckley and Toby... wherever you are at this time.  You brought such happiness to us that day... we miss you!

This is a term that found its way out of my mouth tonight at my monthly women's group meeting.

not willing to invest in anything wholy.  Not ambivalent, but been burned before.  Not nervous, numb.  Just... in limbo.

Not finding words,  Not making it to gatherings.  Flaking, but explaining why.  I sense that my friends all know where I'm at and understand to a good extent.

I'm creeping out of this cold just fine.  I still sound gross when I laugh.. which leads to a raspy grody cough.  I have trouble in the evenings with "goop".  Hubby is much much better, Big Boy is ready for school tomorrow, and Baby Girl has taught herself how to blow her nose, thus making cleanup a snap.  yes, people.. we are almost presentable to the world again.

I look at the month ahead and I just don't know what to expect.  Not in terms of my schedule.  i have long been a more pragmatically minded woman.. but I just have no idea what january 2006 holds for me in terms of travel, heart song or heartache... I have  a much greater sense of just doing what I can with plans and thinking "yeah.. it will be nice to make that...." but who knows if I will.

The silk turtlenecks i sent to Grandpa got there today.  Grandpa was not talking today, but Grandma relayed that he gave a thumbs up and an "ok" sign with his hands.  I smiled at a job "well done".  I could just see his hands.  doing those gestures.  Soft medium length fingers with strong well kept nails.. nails I always thought a little too long for my taste.... giving a thumbs up and an ok.  wamr sun-freckled hands and forearms.. thin skin, but always warn hands.  Grandma says it takes a lot of work to talk when it's hard to breathe.  I imagine he doesn't want me to hear his voice as it is right now... lest I just show up at his door uninvited, unannounced.  Grandpa didn't want to/ couldn't talk to me.  how 'bout that.

Next week he starts chemo.  The two doctors spoke and decided the trial drugs too risky, and the added meds too risky... so he will begin straight chemo next week.. starting with healthy doses of steroids.

At my women's group tonight I pulled the eight of cups in tarot.  The basis of this card is: broken heart, failed endeavor, disappointment.

I love my women's group.  I felt a bit out of sorts tonight.  Or rather... it was so absolutely wonderful to be in a space where it is safe to be just "OFF".  It felt so good to just rest in this limbo spot with these wonderful women for a couple hours.  Others are also in such a space.  I feel myself treading water at the moment, but for the first time in my life... that is just fine for now.  I can't imagine or hope for doing better.

My wish to the divine for tonight is for dear friend newly pregnant:  Let's all breathe deep for tomorrow... to hear good word on little one inside.  I can guarantee, Little One,  you have a lot of folks who eagerly want to meet you and love you on this side.

In talking with my parents yesterday I learned more about Grandpa's condition.  The latest news is no fun.  My father reported to me that Grandpa "flashed" him.  Grandpa was walking across the room and his pants and underpants just fell right off his body.  Being the soothing, comforting, "accept it and work with it" type... I've been online this AM ordering him clothes that won't fall down, that are soft and warm, comfortable,  and easy to get on and off.  You can't lose 30+ pounds and have the same clothes.  I hope he likes them, wears them and GROWS OUT OF THEM AGAIN.

I remembered well having talks with client families when I worked with Alzheimer's patients about "changing concepts of clothing" for changing motor skills, comfort levels etc. 

The other word is that the MRI report mentioned something that came out in the appointment yesterday.  Grandpa has a brain tumor that has to be treated before treatment of the lung cancer begins.  Most likely it will be treated with radiosurgery.    Yup folks... a system much like the one I used to do QA on.  A robot shooting lasers of radiation into the brain to do targeted radiation therapy to kill the tumor.  I'm familiar with the treatment and have seen its success, so that is soothing to me, the fact that cancer is in Grandpa's brain is NOT.  Nope, it is not.  That he has to have THAT cancer treated before he can treat the stage IV lung cancer is not.  That his appetite and such won't get any better until chemo is done on the lung cancer is definitely definitely not.  Still no word on the prostate involvement, but Grandpa did decide to forgo the prostate biopsy... something I support knowing it's lack of true information and extreme pain involved in doing it.

The gastroenterologist prescirbed two different other medications to help get food in and sooth spasms in the GI tract that are causing lots of discomfort for Grandpa. 

I haven't caught Grandpa on the phone since he called and asked us not to come.  I call as often as I can and just tell them I love them and am thinking of them.  Grandma sounds so tired, so very very tired.  There is only so much a person can take in caring for their partner.  I wish they lived closer, I wish they lived closer!

We keep going about our days.  I am getting better at taking lots of vitamins, drinking lots of water and doing more restful stuff whenever i can so I can be strong and go visit in January.

Whenever I feel like I have to fight a high tide of obstacles to do the simplest of tasks... I ask myself if I am forcing a sollution.  If the answer is yes, I put myself in a time out.

I feel as though this whole dang month of December has been one long time out.  I feel like I have gotten not much done.  I feel I am in constant battle against sickness in this house, either in me or in Hubby or (most likely) the kiddos.  Forget about the whole NORMAL Christmas Season chaos.  I've missed playgroups, parties, an outing I organized!, and have had to rain check on other appointments.  It is upsetting and unreal to me.

Good news.  Two friends had babies, and another is newly pregnant.  I can't go see the babes since there's too much germ activity in this house for me to do that guilt free.  Not to mention the newly pregnant friend I miss so very very much.  We usually talk or see each other a lot, but since turkey day it's as if I've been thrown into solitary.  It is nice to talk on the phone.. but difficult with so much to do in tending to the kiddos and thinking of how to tackle the holiday shopping.  Not to mention keeping the kids busy while on the phone.  You  parents out there know what I mean.

We were so close to being free.  My cough was all but finished, Baby Girl's was getting "more productive" and therefore moving on.  Big Boy was back at school.  Hubby was back at work.  Yay.  Then when picking up big Boy at school yesterday he was all kinds of weepy.  He said his ear hurt.  He was telling Baby Girl to quiet down, please.... unusual.  Wanted to be carried everywhere.  Sure enough he wouldn't let me touch his ear.... and after nap he sparked a nice fever thus sending me to Good Sam ER with both kids in tow to get him taken care of.

It was kind of funny, really.  Hubby and I were talking on the phone strategizing HOW to get through this schedule hiccup and STILL get out together for a date.  Our babysitter must love us to death.  Hubby meets her at the house, lets her in, and tells her to go on and study for finals while he goes to the hospital to meet me.  I'll spare all the extra plans for "what ifs' we had in place.  If there was a long wait, if baby Girl got ultra fussy waiting for Big Boy to get treatment... etc etc.
Big Boy was seen quickly.  Hubby took the kids to get some dinner, and I went for the meds.  When I got home, kids had eaten.  We took them upstairs, got them to bed... we could have left them with the sitter right off, but with all the craziness of the evening, that would have been a recipe for disaster.  We got out for dinner together after the kids were medicated, settled and down.  The sitter admitted we are her favorite family over stuff like this... us doing all the work, putting kids to bed and leaving for two hours.... good for finals week.

It took a bit of work to get "our time" last night.  It was so worth it.  I love spending time with Hubby.  Holding hands, talking... looking at his beautiful face across a restaurant table.  Making plans, plotting shared dreams, laughing.  Although last night there was sadness too, as we talked about Grandpa.  We shared about our different "sudden overwhelming saddness" moments of the day.  I didn't cry at the restaurant though!

We returned home and both had trouble getting to sleep.  I read, fell asleep and woke up and couldn't sleep for an hour or so in the middle of the night.  All me.... the kids slept beautifully. 

We won't make the TiVo Christmas party today.  Big Boy with an ear infection and fever.... and Baby Girl with a boogery nose and "productive" cough.  It's hard to keep missing things.  While I am not flaking out... I am so missing my friends and the kids playing with their friends.  It's clear from the phonecalls  and such that I get that folks are beginning to wonder about me and how I'm handling all this.

Let's pray for health, an easy holiday, and rest for all!

I miss you, my friends, I miss you a lot!!  Thanks for calling!

Hello!  Hello out there?  I'm here.... really, really I am.

I haven't met with my walking group in two weeks ( or three?).

Big Boy missed a week of school.

Not on the phone.

Not e-mailing much.

Feeling better.  Beginning to function again.  Feeling like I need to call about ten people to get back to them for dropping off for a while.  Not sure if I'll make my party plans this weekend, but that i need to make "rain check" dates with these wonderful people.

A friend had a baby girl!  A big one too!  bigger then Kaya at 9 pound, 10 ounces... I wanna know if she pulled it off au naturale like her first... 1 week late(the baby was) and I have got to call her.  Another friend moving away back home to Chatanooga TN, will miss their bye bye party, but have got to see her before she leaves.... man, December is too manic!  re-make appointments, set others... see if I missed one for Baby Girl.  Dear friend has an ultrasound tomorrow... pray for her big time....

I had the flu.  Big Boy had the flu.  Baby Girl now has croup.  So now that I am at about ... hmm... 70%... we are back to what I lovingly call "newborn schedule".  Up every two hours to craddle, cuddle, sing to and sooth Baby Girl who was sounding like the sea lions in Monterey.  Two steaming sessions next to the shower, nursing non stop and honestly beggin for more.  "momma..... *hack  wheeze honk*  momma mikoock.... nook".  Then there were still a coupl check ins on Big Boy crying out for "momma".  Hubby took over Baby Girl at 6:30Am, while I went to hang with Big Boy ( I was hoping to sleep and let him play ;-)).    huh.... ha haa *coughing fit*  didn't happen *wheeze*.  At one point in the morning, baby Girl actually said "Iwan' dadddyy"  I lay her down in the bed, she saw him, said "HIiiiIIIiiiii!" gave him a kiss, he mooned over her and gave her kisses and said a cute sleepy hi too...  then she settled down right away.  I LOVE seeing this daddy/ baby girl stuff.... it's the Daddy's girl in me that just smiles so big to see it in her too.

It was decided (har har) that Morgan was not only fit enough for school on Friday.. but could they take him TODAY?!?!?  PLEASE????  By 8:30.. he was outta here!  Those of you with highly intelligent cabin feverish 3 year old boys know what I mean.. those feeling a little critical of me for that remark... well..... a mile in my shoes or a month in my life, my friend.

It was a very mentally tiring day.  Baby Girl was in arms the whole day, not eating, but wanting to nurse, gagging on mucus, feverish and weepy; but SOOoooo strong and still smiling and friendly.  Big Boy was testing testing testing...  to the point of pulling over the minivan and telling him I would not drive until he stopped screaming and kicking (WHY?  I dunno... I don't think HE knew why he was doing it...).  At another point it was just picking up his screaming flailing (just busted a toy tool) body and placing him in his room and leaving... while still carrying Baby Girl.

I think I'll go to bed early tonight.. or at least try to.  Who knows what will go bump in the night, call for Momma or Daddy.  I feel better, of course... still having fits of "productive" hackage... my hope is to NOT end up on a z-pack in a week.

Oh... we lost ALL the money for the condo for the trip to see Grandpa Ron before chemo.  I know, I know... lots of conversations.. made me sicker.  effing Hotels.com is .... just don't use them!!!  My dad is under the weather, same with Step-mom... but Dad did have a list of drugs he's researched for grandpa to take that will help him fight the cancer.  I spoke to Grandma today.... she was in good spirits as she was having some of her Sokku Gakai temple sangha over for a chanting session this morning!  Grandpa was going to be with them while they chanted.  Sounded so beautiful.  Healing for the whole house.  Buddhism is one of a zillion things Grandma and I share.

just say it over and over.. you too will feel more in the moment, centered, healed and enlightened :

Nam Myoho Renge Kyo

OOOOOooop!  sounds like the first raspy, hacking, wheezing cry for Momma or Daddy has just come through on the monitor.  Hubby to the rescue.

g'night.  Namaste

Grandpa called tonight.

The joy of a phonecall from  my grandpa is a rarity.  Once in a blue moon he will leave a cheeky message about how we've missed an opportunity to speak to the most beautiful man on earth. 

He told me the he is not feeling well.  This is the first time in all of this he has used such words.  He said "I am in a bad way."  He asked us to please not come down for the time being.  He doesn't want his great grand-babies seeing him like this because that just isn't right. "looking like death walkin' 'round here."

I agreed and know it's for the best.

He said to send him  a bill for the condo... shyeah... I don't think so, old man!  But we do have to figure out a way to recoup SOME of the cost.  My step-mom suggested seeing if we can get a partial credit to another stay.  I may need to get on the horn and figure out a fancy verbiage to get back some money.  Any suggestions?

I feel sad a bit.  AND I am ok with feeling sad.  Sad that I'm not healthy, sad that we can't travel, sad that we may sink a few hundred on a condo we won't stay in AND won't be seeing Grandpa before chemo.

I need to get well regardless.  We're missing Yoga mom's Holiday outing tomorrow... who knows about helping at school on Wed...Sat I have a tour to Scharffen-Berger planned, Sunday is Hillary's babyshower.  All stuff I was going to miss due to travel.  Let's hope i don't miss it due to flu!

Get your flu shots, people!

We rented a condo for the 7th to the 12th of december in Palm Dessert.  So we could visit with Grandpa and Grandma before the start of chemo.

Big Boy and I have a the flu.  While typing my last entry I took a break to take Big Boy's temp and give him some motrin (he was at 103.5).  I'm a  mere and toasty 101 ;-)

we cannot travel while ill.  To bring this bug to grandpa would dang near the kiss of death... as he now weighs about 150...and while he is starting to eat, it's not every day.  We need to build him up so he will be strong for the hell that is chemotherapy, antigenesis meds and possible testosterone blockers.

Long story short, we tried to cancel our plans due to illness, but if we cancel, we'll lose all of our money *ug ug ug*.  So IF we are well, and and such, we will go on and take it whatever days we have at the condo.  We may leave later and not have as much time, we may not be able to at all and will kiss goodbye the $$$.

I'm hopeful that the trip will happen WHEN IT IS RIGHT.  I'm not going to force anything.

I'll write later about the respite and realizations I've had while on sick bed going on 3 days now.  Good stuff.  Stuff I know I could only take in while in a feverish stupor.  It's going to be alright.  All of it is going to be alright.

We are now on sick day #4 for Big Boy.. #3 for me... and possibly #1 for Hubby.

About a year ago there was one of those scientific studies that proved the old wive's tale as to the truly healing factors to chicken soup.  I would hunt down a url and such, but gimme a break with the stuff... I have a fever of 101 and a 3 years old curled up under the same blanket watching Bob the Builder!  And yes.. we are both wearing our outdoor gear sweatshirts and super cozy sweatpants and are still cold.  I'm assuming Baby Girl is skirting the edge of this due to the breastmilk.  She's out with Hubby getting supplies.... another chicken, more pearl onions, Emergen-C, some probiotics.... can we say thank you Whole Foods? 

My sick head tends to digress...or rather, doesn't want to bother with editing!  Anyway.  Chicken soup.  HOMEMADE chicken soup.  The chicken fat soothes and coats raw throats and has the slow burning energy power to sustain us through those long long (and sometime hallucinogenic) sleeping times.  Something about the chicken meat and fat are a natural anti-infamatory.  So it truly does soothe the muscles and ease the fever.  Also when made at home in large batches, chicken broth itself carries these properties AND is a great way to stay hydrated.  Water is the best expectorant.  When packaged in the yumminess that is chicken soup, it tastes a lot better and is warm and cozy too.

So I am going to share my oh-so-easy and often raved about chicken and dumplings recipe.  Now, this recipe is my own version garnered from the wisdom of my step-mom and Grandma Toni... you can check out grandma toni's recipe at http://www.tonidunlap.com/chicdump.htm.  Mine is a lot simpler.  I can make this recipe even with a fever of 102 and a toddler hanging off my leg....

You need:
1 whole fryer chicken (between 2 and 4 pounds)  little is best.
1 mesh bag (about 2 cups worth) of white pear onions
kosher salt or baleine salt (it does make a difference)
three ribs of celery
five whole peppercorns
one bay leaf
chopped garlic ( about 3 cloves worth)
Bisquick and milk
black pepper (about 1/2 teaspoon)

wash the chicken and remove the giblets.  Place it in the dutch oven pot (big one).  Add about 3 talbespoons of kosher salt.  Fill the pot with water until it fully covers the chicken and about a quarter inch above it.  cut the celery just so it fits in the pot... no need to dice or get too busy here.  Halve half of the pearl onions and toss them into the pot.  along with the peppercorns and bay leaf.  Put the covered pot on the stove on medium/medium low heat ( you want a slow and pensive simmer going.... not too much rolling of the water, but activity clear... those of you who also watch Alton Brown know what I mean ;-).  Let it percolate for about an hour and a half or so.  The "or so" is this: when you give the leg bone a gentle tug, you want the bone to come off easily and the meat to fall away somewhat.

Gently and carfully remove the chicken (it will come apart, and that's just right) and put it in  a nice big bowl.

Strain the broth through a wire strainer or cheesecloth into a second large pot to remove all the celery, peppercorns, bay leaf and onions.  Toss away the celery, peppercorns, and onions used.  So all you have is a nice rich flavorful broth with a layer of fat on top.

Re-strain the broth back into the heated pot, return to the stove and put on med heat.  Take two forks and pry all different kinds of meat from the chicken... light or dark.. whatever you like best until you've either used up the bird or have all the meat you feel you need.  skin and halve the rest of the white onions and toss them in as you cut.  Toss in about three cloves of garlic chopped ( jarred garlic is just fine.. about 1 1./2 teaspoons chopped is good)

Bring the soup to a mild boil and follow the instructions on the bisquick box for dumplings.  2 cups mix to 2/3 cups milk.  Drop spoonfuls of the batter into the boiling stew.  sprinkle with black pepper.. cook 10 minutes uncovered, 10 mintues covered.  voila. 

nummness.

eat well, be well.

I got a little surprise this evening before giving the kiddos their bath.  Cycle day 1.  Yup.  I guess that after two years respite from  cycle life, my body has decided to kick back into gear.

We have been talking about "the hat trick".  But have decided to put such plans on hold for the time being.  Travel, possible real estate changes, Grandpa's health.

It is funny i would be surprised by this.  I guess it's because with Big Boy things didn't get going again until he was completely weaned.  Baby Girl is showing no interest in such an idea (tho I am, I must admit...) but here it is.

I had to dig through the back the of the bottom bathroom cupborad for supplies, all the while laughing about it.

The flu is about done, I think.  I had one fever flash this evening, but have been feeling much better.  Tired, and much better.  Tired as in... I think I'm going to go to bed right about now tired. ha ha.

I have written before that when the house is organized and all the projects are done, then I will cry.  Keeping busy is the order of the day ( and future days, no doubt).  My Step-mom let me know my father's words on how he is doing... pretty much the same.  But his words were to the effect that when things got quiet, and he ran out of things to do... "all hell would break loose".  I'm with you, Dad.... I'm with you.

I have such an issue in taking this all in.  "this" being the whole life expectancy thing.  Six months without treatment and a year to a year and a half with treatment.  The "quality of life" being better with chemo  than without.  That all just seems so odd to hear.  So strange to absorb.  I'm in a mental muddle over it.  Not a denial based "five stages of death" kind of muddle, but I just can't see my life without him.  I can't seem to "get it".  Does this mean I'm in denial?  That my intuition is getting something else?  That Grandpa will beat the odds?  I dunno, but I sure am having a hard time when i think of the "how much time do we have" question.  Hard tim in terms of just being confused by such terminology.

NO one knows for sure about any of this, and yet... doctors and patients put themselves in this agreement.  Patients WANT TO KNOW how long they have.  Doctors can't possibly know.. but patients will always ask... and so Doctors are forced to come up with answers that will always seem like death sentences, no matter how optimistic.  Who knows when death will come, or if it will come due to lung cancer.

My friend Hillary stopped by today.  She is all kinds of full of baby and oh so beautiful right now.  SO full of life.. literally.  Her father recently survived prostate cancer (the first hardest battle).  After loading her car with a bunch of baby gear, we had a good talk in the crisp autumn air.  We talked about cancer treatment, about testosterone blockers.  I admitted to her I am "not doing so good".

I have worn myself out.  I caught the kid's flu.  The universe's way of making me be still with my thoughts before the house is spotless and before the projects are done.  I have slowed down.  I sat with the feverish babes and watched a movie with them.  I took my time going to the store with the babes.  I called my chiropractor's office and apologized for missing my appointments for the last two weeks and told them why.  I cancelled out of all my plans for the day.  Hubby stayed home and worked from home part of the day and took over the babes the rest of the day for me while I SLEPT.  A deep deep feverish, sweaty, nightmarish sleep.  Long time coming.  I ran out of running from this.  Can't in good conscience get tipsy on a glass of wine and hope to get better "soon enough".  Can't eat junk food and get the sugar rush.  All I can do is sit with this now.  Breath it in, swim in it.  So far I have to say... it doesn't feel like all hell breaking loose, yet.

We're off next week to get in great-grandbaby visit time before the start of the chemo treatment.

Grandpa Ronald has stage 4 non small cell lung cancer.  There are no definitive signs of cancer anywhere else in his body!  The gastroenterologist has a biopsy to complete, but said nothing really appeared to him in the scope to be cancerous.  The other outlying test or question mark is in regard to his PSA count ( an antogen blood count indicating prostate cancer).  His level doubled in just a few months, so they will perform a prostate biopsy on the 12th (YEOWCH).

During the GI scope procedure, the DR. sent down a balloon that "stretched" the esophagus.  He also prescribed nexium.  So far.. those two things have greatly improved Grandpa's ability to eat (he's gained 8 ounces!!  YAY!!)

The "plan" is to start chemotherapy and meds the week of the 12th (3 rounds in 28 days), after meeting with a "thought leader" in lung cancer at UCLA for a second opinion.  Grandpa is not willing to do any clinical trial medications.  Life expectancy without chemo is about 6 months, and with the chemo 1 to 1 and a half years.  We all know how these numbers can be scary.

Knowing this doesn't make me feel "better" but it does give us a focus.  Thanks again for asking, and for replying to my e-mails, thoughts and prayers. 

We are planning on going down there again before chemo so we can celebrate the holidays as best we can.  Toddlers and preschoolers are QUITE forbidden around folks during chemo... as they "tend to" have germs (ha!  yeah.... ya think?).  I'll miss Grandpa during the "no visitors allowed" phase, but will be in touch A LOT.