Jessica's Blog

THe tears have started to come.

Maybe it was last night as we watched together the video footage we took of Grandpa while in the desert.  I was able to really watch him and it was clear to see how he's working like mad to be strong and with it.  At one point I was talking to him while he was eating and in the footage it was clear how hard it was for him to get the food down and keep it down.

This morning was a difficult one with the kiddos.  No need to get into the blow by blow of life with two toddlers.  But I was carrying Baby Girl down the stairs, asking Big Boy for about the fifteenth time to pull up his pants and come out of the bathroom.  I just started to cry.  It just CAME. 

Then at the cupcake party we were invited to a friend asked with just the right amount of concern how was my grandpa doing.  I blubbered, she felt horrible for asking and apologized and I did the "no no no no no.. it's ok... I've been holding this in way too long here."

So it's good to feel it coming out and to accept this feeling of being so so altered in this experience.  At the same time I don't enjoy this feeling of white noise in my energetic field... it's like I see everything through a filter or fog and just get frustrated easily on an emotional level.

Baby Girl just woke form nap.  I need to go.

We got home last night pretty late and today I spent the day getting back into my life.  As best I could. 

Took Big Boy to Startbuck's for breakfast... I strolled him there.  Then called Hubby on the way back and we all took a nice long family walk.  I feel like I need to do walk off the less than athletic lifestyle of the desert.  Don't know what it is about that place.  walking doesn't feel like a workout there.  And well... let's just be honest.  I ATE ME SOME FOOOOOOOD! 

The purge is afoot.  We actually are getting rid of a bunch of toys that drive us all nuts.  The ones the kids fight over, but when they do play with them, it's rare and loud and not for long.  The clothing closets have been cleared.  Even the ancient linens of threadbare acrylic we never had the guts to donate before.

I am amazed at how crap builds up.  I've always been one to "live light" in terms of not wanting to have too much stuff, and loving the stuff I have until it's all worn... but man oh man... parenthood sure throws a wrench into such living theory of not having stuff.

How am I?  Clearly (taking an objective moment here) doing my dambdest to stay distracted.  Walking too much, most likely throwing out stuff I will miss later, forgetting to eat, to drink water.  basically acting a fool.  But then I try to catch up and eat too much of all the wrong stuff.

I have an eye infection, could be pink eye... but not responding to the pink eye meds I got from a doc who looked at me for all of ten seconds while down in the desert.  I'll call my eye doc tomorrow.  More nuisance than drama.  My mom would say maybe if I just effing cried for a day my eyes wouldn't be all red and itchy from trying so hard NOT TO.

I sent this in a group e-mail to folks.  I dont' have much else to say on the grandpa topic at the moment:

Grandpa Ron had his first appointment with an oncologist on Friday. I joke that 'We all" had the appointment as it was my parents, grandparents and me all packed into the treatment room. Thanks to thoughtful words of my step-mom... followed by a loooong silence (about a minute while the doctor thought...then pulled out his cell phone from his pocket and called in favors), Grandpa has appointments Monday and early in the week for PET/CTscan and MRI (full body) and an upper GI scan as well. Why? Well, the patterns of the nodes in the lungs don't' tell him it's actual lung cancer. It's rare that lung cancer would appear equally as bird-shot in both lungs as it has. Also the chest CT shows speckles throughout the thorasic vertebrae, suggesting *again* that this is not lung cancer, but rather a metastatic disease that has found the lungs as a good environment. Grandpa is having trouble eating. He says he gets in two tablespoons of food, then it feels "stuck" or "gets sent back". So testing for bone, brain, stomach and esophageal cancers are in order. Understanding the origin of this pervasive cancer will help in a treatment plan. *deep breath*. Grandpa is now wearing suspenders too keep his pants on as he has lost about 15 pounds in the last month or so. It all sounds pretty bad, but it was soo soo good to be with him and hear it and be there rather than be here listening about it over the phone. Yes, he's slowed down, is struggling, rests a lot... but still feisty and all Grandpa. He is on no other meds and prior to this illness has been exceptionally healthy and a bit overweight... that is good. 
 
So while the news is not "good", it was wonderful to have time with Grandpa and Grandma over the Thanksgiving holiday. He got time with the kids, spending time making sure he was where they were to keep a keen eye on them. He liked to take them in and mock Paul and me with great regularity about how our children are cursed ( in other words blessed) for being just like us. There were lots of hugs, kisses, smart remarks and kind remarks. We'll be going back down to the desert again soon as we can. 
 
I imagine that once my house is clean and organized(I sense another purge coming on), I'll cry non-stop.. but that is a long long way off. I have lots of meditating to do until then. Right now I'm "ok". Paul is wonderful, and we are definitely equally effected. Paul is hanging in there. We both just want to support and be an advocate for Grandpa's wishes in this. 

That is how I explained it to Hubby last night as I lie in bed with tears in my ears trying to fall asleep.

Yesterday I went through the day somewhat altered.  I walked A LOT... took out the double stroller and walked Baby Girl to a park near Big Boy's school.. picked up Big Boy with the stroller and pushed both of them home.  about 4 miles round trip or so.  On the way there, Baby Girl kicked her baby blanket off the stroller and i didn't even notice.  Some kids found me at the park to give it to me!  I knit this blanket with love in my heart for Baby Girl before she ever got here, and almost left it on a Los Gatos Creek bike path.

Every few hours I would feel like I was about to sink, but then woudl be fine.  The day was Fine and I was FINE FINE FINE.  I'm ok, I'm ok, I'm ok....

I got e-mails and even a couple voicemails from friends who know me and therefore know how much Grandpa means to me.  I'd sink a bit and then come bobbing back to the surface.  Sorrow floats.

I didn't blog and I didn't e-mail and did do too well talking to folks because I found I lost my words!  I couldn't think of words!  My day was like one long fucking senior moment.  'scuse my language there, tho.

It wasnt' until I hit a wall and got soo tired I HAD TO go upstairs to bed.  I could not stay awake, but as soon as my head hit the pillow, I could not close my eyes.  Hubby came upstairs and sat on the bed.  We talked.  I told him that if I was going to sleep I was going to have to admit that I was NOT ok.  I was NOT ok.  He agreed, in his amazing partner way.

I'm swimming and trying to stay afloat.. but still feel like I need to find my feet.  As tears slowly emerged I said quiety that I'm not ok.  That this is going to be hard, that my reality has shifted, and I just. need. to. find. my . feet.

I feel more like I have feet today, but not sure what they are touching.  I Love my grandpa beyond words, beyond the world, beyond anything.  I want nothing more than to be strong for him in this process, to be loving of him in a way that is good to him; to toss away all my garbage about this cancer so I can be present with him in a way that is good to his soul, and not mired in my sadness at how shitty this all feels.  It will take time.  And lots of breathing, walking, and meditation.

okay, running out of battery power. g'night

My grandma called me last night after I put the babes down.  She told me the results of grandpa's lung biopsy.

Advanced lung cancer in both lungs dispersed throughout.  Radiation is out of the question, chemo maybe.  We are just at the beginning of this journey.

I have now been on the emotional roller coaster for more than 24 hours, so now I am successfully numb with waves of sadness.

Not much poetic prose to throw into that right now.

I know two things.  I know that no matter what...we'll all be alright.  I also know that while this is hard, to have someone in my life I love so much that it hurts this much is a blessing beyond words.

Some of you may know my mom.  She is brilliant.

My mother is insanely smart.  She is the penultimate autodidact in all matters concerning human rights, immigration, history, religion, politics, sicknesses of her family members, a few languages.. and many many other things.... as I said, the woman is brilliant.  She has an amazing gift of writing.  Her ability to tell stories (she's won awards in her day for her short fiction) transports us.

My mom has a great sense of humor.  She has a quick wit and sharp tongue at times (shyeah.. at MOST times) and cannot contain her giggles without it being obvious she desperately wants to laugh.  She often has to be careful around most people because their sense of humor is not like her own (ie. ME... especially post-partum).

My mom is bipolar.  This is both a description as well as a diagnosis.  What this means is that I will never feel as good as she can feel or as bad as she can feel.  There is sooooo much emotional scar tissue over this fact and the desperate attempts I have made in my life to "understand" as she would want me to "understand" "the point" of something... "the important thing" about something. etc.  The most amazing creative minds (in writng especially) were bipolar folks... who were also alcoholics... another shared trait, but again.. just a description.  THIS IS NOT A MOM BASHING ENTRY. 

Everything my mom does, she does with passion in her heart and to her core.  She goes to many political marches, writes for many cuases.  Not many people do this.  In fact, very few people do.  This intensity that can be dulled by depression or meds is something that is simply my mom.  She feels things so deeply and so strongly and writes about them so beautifully, it is often crushing to mere "normals" like myself.  I burn out when I try to follow her rapid descriptive thoughts and complexity.

The reason I bring up my mom today is because in a recent conversation we had.  Or, I should say in a recent (possibly*most likely* not-sober) ranting of hers I was sole privy to ( on the phone while making dinner, feeding kids etc.).. she brought up some .... TRUTHS!  Oh, and how we all hate to hear the truth, huh???  That's the other thing about my mom.  She says a LOT of things, and has a lot of interesting interpretations of family history... but truths many choose not to speak flow from her mouth, and she pays dearly for it.  Pretty much every effing time.  I've learned by watching her how to know the "truth" but to keep it to myself with great regularity so as not to piss people off too much.  I'll save it for my death bed.  har har har.

The truth is: my mother loves my grandfather dearly.  I'm not going to divulge the "family crap", but suffice it to say, when the shit hit the fan, my grandfather was there for her every time.  She may have been divorced by my dad, but was never divorced by my grandpa.  She went to him to ask him if it would be okay for her to keep her married name.  My grandfather ALWAYS refers to her as "my daughter".  the love is mutual.

The truth is : my mom, in being an autodidact, knows about every frickin disorder that could POSSIBLY be ailing my grandfather at this time.  She also knows the best places in the country that specialize in each disorder or disease, has a close friend who has suffered it, and their doctor's info.  She is a wealth of information.

The truth is:  my mother is very successful in her field.  She is an exec dir. of a non-profit and does alright for herself.  She's invested well... owns her place in an SF real estate market.  IF someone she loves is in desperate need of financial support of some kind.. she COULD be one to talk to (although I've only done it twice in my adult life and paid her back within 3 months both times) refer back to emotional scar tissue line above.

Now.... here's the other truth.  When you combine 1) her extreme love of my grandpa with her 2)extreme knowledge of what he might have with 3)her passionate and somewhat "spikey" energy level with 4) grandpa's fear of the worste case scenario and his need to 5) "let the doctor say"  what you get is PHONECALLS TO G.B.J. (GRANDBABY JESS.... THAT'S ME) from both sides about how they want to or do not want to hear from each other in this horrendous time of waiting for a diagnosis!  My mom... I love her to death...does have a tendency to gloom and doom in tenuous times such as these ( due to experience in these matters).  This is the last thing my grandparents want to listen to.  they want to hunker down and hide out and await the word and meditate and wait some more.

It is interesting to me (and THIS is the true "hmmmm ..... do you ever think of this.... "  thought of my entry today)  how  folks need to be loved in such specific ways when things are rough.  No one could question my mom's knowledge, ability to help, or love of my grandpa... but space is being granted between them right now because she is not capable of loving them in a way that they can handle right now.  In a very Toni Morrison way... my mom's love is often too thick for folks when things are in transition. 

This is the truth that stuck me in my last conversation (or listening session) with my mom:  She loves so soo soo much those in her life that she loves, that is rips her to her center to be asked to step back; but her strength to do just that is admirable.  She was right, she is a great resource for the possible diagnoses my grandfather is facing.  She was right, she does have a very deep bond with him.  She was right that it is hard to be on the sidelines right now due to the fact that she is divorced from my dad, or because she's too passionate or whatever. 

The biggest ruth right now is: IT IS' WHADIT IS'... said with that oh-so-"ebonics" flare.

We all wait with our hearts in our hands to hear from the docs about my grandpa.  Maybe once there is a focus, my mom will be back in the "California-divorce-family-legacy" fold.  who knows.  But if there is one thing I know about my mom.. it's that her immense love of this man is never denied, even if it is shielded at the moment.

I'm back.  It was quite a trip.  It was hard to leave, but I am also happy to be home.

In terms of R&R, well.  Once a mom, always a mom and R&R takes on a completely different meaning.  I was out of the house at 4:30AM for my flight.  Baby Girl had been up and nursing since 3AM... so I had about 3 hours of sleep to start my day.  It was all good.  Moving through an airport by myself... getting through security, getting a coffee and scone...waiting and reading a book.  All. by. myself.  Layovers, lines, puddle jumper teeny planes... it was all so good.  I got there around 10AM and while a little tired, not as tired as I would have been on a "normal" day.

It was so good to see my grandparents.  Beyond words good.  To listen to them, to lay my eyes on them.  To take them in on my own.  To be with them without having the share them with anyone.. to use selfish language.  I could say it was good to see them without having to look after my babes, and that is true.  I could give them all my attention, and take them in without distraction.

We went to the hospital for the testing procedure.  It went very well, there was a complication.  I won't get into detail.  He's not doing so hot.  He has good energy and I did what Reiki I could before the procedure.  His appetite returned a bit while I was there.  On my second night he seemed to be feeling better enough to bicker with grandma!  I laughed and joked about how they're almost back to normal, they were bickering!

I was in bad shape after his procedure.  I called Dear Friend on the phone sobbing, not knowing about staying longer after learning of the complication post-procedure.  Dear Friend pasted me back together to toss me back into the game.  I wasn't sad due to the complication, but I just felt so torn in half.  I wanted nothing more than to stay and be at the bedside and hang out and make jokes and be with my grandma and knit.  But I had a ticket and two babes and a soul mate waiting for me at home.  She was beyond wonderful in supporting me to stay if that was what my heart wanted... to help with  the babes.

I bucked up and we all ( my grandfolks and I) prepared for me to return home.  I took in all I could.  I took lots of mental pictures on my grandpa.  We talked as much as his energy would allow.  I listened to him.  I realized Baby Girl has his eyes.  Both in color as well as expression.  Looking across the table at him during our post meal chat time... I saw Baby Girl's eyes, and my heart lit up.  Today as I got on the plane I felt sad.  I looked out the window at Palm Springs etc (Cathedral City, Desert Hot Springs, Rancho Mirage etc...) and I just let the tears roll on down my cheeks.  I was sad not just out of concrn for how Grandpa would do, but something more.  It was that i don't know when I will be able to get down there again.  If I do, not sure if it will be with the babes and hubby, or what.  Wish we could see more of them, that they weren't to so far away.. and that theyw ere well.

Grandma and I spoke later today.  Grandpa's lung looks worse than it did yesterday.  The air valve is still in place.. uncomfortable and such.  The vicodin helps.  His appetite is better.  I feel a lump in my throat as I type.  Just to be there is what I would love.  To hold his hand some more.. give him silly forehead kisses and sit with grandma... knitting on the couch, drinking high-balls and bad mouthing government.

It's time like these that parenthood hits me in another light.  I'm a mother, and a baby, and a grandbaby too.  I need to be the good mother and take good care of my babies, and I am so so so grateful to have the husband and Dear Friends that I do to "cover me" while I go and do what I can with my grandparents.

I still wish they were closer... like HERE.

I haven't blogged in a bit.  I think it's because I have been going through a lot of mental work lately, and my grandpa isn't doing too well.

I didn't want to blog about grandpa not doing well because it is as if to speak of the devil.  It scares me.  Not a drama-queen telling everyone he's ill kind of worry... but we just dont' knwo what is going wrong in his body.  The not knowing is scarier than knowing something awful or not awful.  I also want to respect his privacy in not going on and on about it.  But it is on my mind, in my thoughts and prayers, so I've been tight lipped about it.

I am going out of town tomorrow to go spend time with my grandparents.  On my own.  Without Hubby or the kids.  It's the only way we can afford to get me there either monetarily or time wise. Also who wants to host wee ones what not well?  Hubby is taking two days off of work (although he told me tonight that he is going to be working as hard as he can while home with the kids **guilt guilt**).  I am flying out tomorrow morning early and coming home Saturday morning.

The circumstances are not the greatest, but this is honestly the closest thing I've had to true time alone in quite some time.  I will be going to the hospital with the grandparents to be with them while grandpa has another procedure to find out what is going on in him.  I will be (hopefully) walking dogs, and doing whatever to enjoy being there and helping out.  It will be a complete change of scene and I think that will be good for me.  I haven't been alone with my grandparents since before I was engaged.

Hubby will do great with the kids for the two days.  The sitter will come one day to help out for three hours and my dad says he will come down to help out on the second day.  Friends have offered to have him and the kids over for dinner one night.  They'll all be in good hands.

I look forward to breathing my own air.  Having my own uninterrupted thoughts.  I look forward to only having to feed/bath/rest my own body.  I need this break something awful.  I have some deep soul searching about some choices I have ahead of me to do.  In true mom fashion, I'm sure that given a mere hour or two fully away from my nearest and dearests will help me to do that.