Jessica's Blog

Recently my mother sent me a note regarding a previous posting of my blog.  The post was about my date time with my husband and justifying the cost.  What she said was interesting and got my mental wheels turning.  It was:

"If any one of your Dad’s and my four parents would have set up a “dating” fund, history would be different."

Awkward pause as MOST wonder "whaa???" to what she wrote.... not to worry.. 'lemme 'splain...

I think part of what my quite likely tipsy mother wrote was  wondering; IF she and my father had more alone time dating, would their marriage have survived?  I personally don't think so.  There was a lot more missing there than a few date nights, truth be told.  But I did find her thought one worth wondering about.

Needless to say.  I am a child of divorce.  So is my husband.  So is my Mother.  So is my Father.  So is my Step-Mother.  And in pre-divorce ways (leaving, disappearing for years, or drinking to death) so were some of my grandparents.  It makes me realized in a very real way why there is not just a legacy of divorce in our families, but also a simple lack of support of "marriage". 

My curiosity is this: what does it mean to support another person's marriage?  I mean, at weddings (don't we LOVE 'em?) We all stand there and ooooo and awwww at these two beautiful people taking the leap of faith into partnership.  Often at some point in the ceremony, it is asked of those attending to support "this union".  We all nod or say "we do"... but what does that mean?  If my fore parents had support, would their marriage vows have held up to the trials of life?  What would that support have been?  Or was it simply a lack of a standing example of people who DID remain married?

I've heard reports about statistics claiming that children of divorce have an increased chance at divorce.... ok....  AND that if divorce goes back a generation the chances for marital failure are greater.  Huh.  Sucks to be me and Hubby if we buy into this stuff, right?

This last year has been a tough one for Hubby and me.  No, we were nowhere near marital discord or "trouble" but yes, it was stressful with the little kids and not much time together to put out brains back into our skulls after the sleep deprivation.  My parents were unavailable to babysit, we hadn't bit the bullet yet on hiring a sitter.  It was hard.  If we did not have the help or the change in finances, I could see the stress building to resentment, and more work down the road.  Sleep deprivation makes for grumpiness, grumpiness leads to inability to communicate... on and on.

Did we have marital support?  Oh yes we did.  The wise women in my women's group LISTENED and remembered the years when their babes were still babes.... Empathetic and supportive phone calls from family members telling us we were great parents were a much needed boost.  Girlfriends girlfriends girlfriends with two small babes who I could laugh with about things, because they "got it" in a very in the moment way how tired we all were and how hard it is.

IS success in marriage a crap shoot? 

I have friends who have gotten divorced.  To simplify, their marriages didn't work out in the end because they were truly hoping the person they married would become the person they wanted to be married to OR... they were unable to change into the person their spouse wanted to be married to.  No amount of dates or alone time can remedy that.  The wisdom often unheard of "you cannot change someone!".  Divorce really is horrible for anyone to go through, and I know not one of them ever thought their marriage would end.  The guilt and anger over it hit hard.  Why did theirs go flop when others didn't?

Please don't get me wrong... I am not critical of those who divorce, as it is always a last resort, and honestly I feel it exists for a VERY GOOD reason.  I am so so glad my parents are not together anymore.  This blog entry is wondering what makes marriage work.... I promise to blog about how great my divorced friends are doing now that they dissolved unhappy unions some other time....

I look to marriages that last and what do I see?  Two separate and complete people choosing to love and support one another through the tides of life.  Two separate people who do not buy into the concept of everlasting romantic love, but of partnership.  Screw this silly notion of fairy tales, of housewives, of gender roles, and such.  Those things seem to have the effect on marriages that beauty magazines have on self esteem... disaster.  Sadly the very romantic notion of sacrificing yourself or your dreams for the ones you love appears to lead to destruction.  No one can martyr their life passions for long and remain happy.  Once unhappy, walls build... and splatter goes the relationship off those walls.

Years ago at a friends' wedding, the groom's parents (Lutheran ministers) officiated.  They did a really cool thing in their sermon.... beyond that they often do sermons together.  They said that one of the greatest gifts to the bride a groom was the fact that they both had parents who had been HAPPILY married for well over 30 years each.  That they had an example of how to make it work that many don't have.  The advice they gave in the form of a motif throughout the sermon was that when all else ... well... these are my own words... but when all else goes to hell in a hand basket, you have your faith that it WILL work out, it CAN be worked out, this too shall pass.  It was inspiring.  hokey, optimistic a bit, but inspiring.

I got the pleasure of seeing a friend last night I had not seen in  a very very long time.  She's part of the catalyst to do this "bloggy".  I had not seen her in about a year because her husband was ill.  He had cancer and she turned her life upside down, sideways, twisted and rolled in order to be with him and support him WHILE ALSO clinging hard to her passions and sense of self.  I am in such awe of her.  She was not happy with herself at that time.  She was able to be with our group because she told her husband to go back to their house in Truckee on his own.  His treatment was done, she needed time and space to decompress and get back on her own two feet.  I saw such a battle going on in her between being the "good wife" and being the partner who needed a breather after seeing someone through a year of chemo, radiation and ALLLLLL that entails. 

She had gone through someone soo "gianormous".  She was there for him.  She needed a break from him.  By taking that break from him, I'm sure she was being a better partner to him.  I realized she was the only woman in our group in her sixties who had stayed married. 

I looked at my "my age" counterparts in the group who are married and now in the family way like I am.  We took the leap.  We give the support.  We have the supprt.  We have the faith.  WHo knows what lies ahead for us in our marriage lives.  But wow... What is the deal with marriage??

I have been having the oddest things going on the last couple days.  Both good and odd and downright messed up BAAAD.  I chose to use "The Tower" as the title to this entry because on Monday morning while playing with my new tarot deck with my friend, Hillary... I kept getting ominous cards like The Tower and The Devil.  Interesting.  Now, I don't get all gloomy and doomy like most folks do about these cards.  They gave me a heads up.

The Tower basically means ( and I am using my own words here as it is how I find it applies itself).  The Tower warns of shaky ground ahead.  Things not being what they seem.  Anxiety.  nerves.  Literally being thrown off course by the unexpected or unwelcome.  Being flumuxxed, at a loss... confused.  I mused at why i got this card as my life tends to be, shall we say "routine"? *wink*

The Devil didn't concern me too much either.  We all know there's lots of negative, deceitful stuff out there.  Also... I know I can ( if tired, not feeling well.. I've been fighitng a cold) succumb to things like heresay... he said/ she said CRAP.  I can get spiteful if not feelig well... I have trouble letting stuff go.  Not to mention tempations like wines, cookies. When I pull this card I take it as a warning not to get trampled by "the dark side".

No sooner did I read these cards that yup indeed The Tower started showing itself in my life.  The phone rang and it was a friend asking where I was... apparently I had completely forgotten about a date we had made with each other.  We decided to meet up for lunch instead.  I was flummoxed.  I don't forget dates.  I may call and cancel, but I dont' FORGET them.. and I totally forgot this one.  As in, made other plans at the same time forgot this one!  I felt horrible, inconsiderate, rude you name it... flummoxed.

On the way coming home from picking up my son I was so off my base ( a Tower thing... and a sign that my head cold was catching me afterall) I forgot another thing!  Big Boy said softly... "Momma, I need to be buckled."  Holy explicative on THAT one!

In the course of a wonderful visit with my friend, I fell into the realm of The Devil.  My inner critic was popping out all over the place as we discussed just why attendance in my mom's group has wained.  This friend no longer attends and is all the happier for it.    In explaining why she doesn't attend.. there was a bit of he said/ she said stuff... and in the process she let it slip that PSXL told everyone she wouldn't host at her house anymore because "untidy and sloppy moms like Jessica dont' pick up after their kids, and it's just too rude and too much to deal with."

Now, I gafawed.  A hearty gafaw.  It DID throw me off my foundation a bit more on top of all else I had done that day, but know this:  when it comes to PSXL and myself.. the feeling is clearly nothing short of mutual.  I know I'm not a slob.  But YES it did bother be that is had been YEARS of me wondering what was (pardon me for this,but it looks soo good in type) up her ass.. and now I know.  I'll go medical... her cranium.  How's that for dark side devilish stuff?

Needless to say... I'm still in the realm of the tarot Devil on this one.  Turn away, Jess... turn to the light again, Jess.

My Hubby surprised me with a gift and that is unusual(ergo a surprise and a tower type thing).

Today I was really miserable with a sore throat and such in the AM.. clearly falling ill, therefore MORE suseptible to universal "ick" as clearly my energetic boundaries were weakened.

Now this honestly scared me beyond words.  I lost Big Boy while at the Children's Discovery Museum.  He was having a iffy day of obedience, and I knew it was a gamble going on this outing, but justified that I could keep him within bounds of decency and Baby Girl could have a great time.

Baby Girl did have a fabulous time.  I was keeping an eye on both of them in The Wonder Cabinet exhibit masses.  Big Boy was being very good about communicating where he wanted to play next and going right there.  well, then he didn't.  I looked away while he was in transit from an upstairs exhibit to a downstairs exhibit.. and he. was. gone.  I was helping Baby Girl get down the stairs.. then immediately scooped her unwilling weight up and started the search.

I looked for five minutes.  Any mom knows that panic really does set in after maybe ten seconds.  I was aksing people, describing what he looked like, making sure the door people of the exhibit hadn't let any unattended boys get out without an adult.  I was breathing slowly and deeply looking under tables, in hidden corners... trying not to go too fast lest he was looking for me too.  Baby Girl by then decided it was torture being held when there was so much fun to be had and was tearing at my hair and yelling and kicking in my arms... I hardly noticed.

Big Boy emerged from the baby crawler room.  A room for ONLY little babies.  A room behind closed doors you have to remove your shoes to enter...a room with boppies and rocker gliders filled with nursing (or not nursing and wee bit rude) moms.  I didn't scream or yell, but BOYYYYY did he "get it" that I was beyond words freaked out and worried... probably because I was telling him over and over how he worried me and how sad and scared and frightened I was that I could not find him.  Don't do that again... his response was to yell at me and tell me I was unacceptable.    Ah, yes.. normalcy reigns supreme.

We(big surprise) immediately left the exhibit.  I got Baby Girl into her stroller, pulled out my cell phone, sat down amongst the strollers in the stroller mass- parking, called Hubby and held it together long enough to get out "hi honey, it's me" before sobbing.  I have never done this EVER.  I told him all about what happened and how scared I was, and he was awesome. "I'm so sorry, sweetheart.  Are you ok?"  Big Boy stood against the wall, refused to talk to his daddy, then commenced with trying to hit Baby Girl's arm as hard as he could when she gladly took the phone and was saying "hi daddy hi daddy daddy daddy hi daddy".  baby girl wouldn't play... she didn't get upset, just gave him "the look" and put her arm next to her body.  Her good time at the Wonder Cabinet was over due to him, right?

We turned it around by having a really nice snacktime outside under the trees and played train and fed the pigeons.

There is nothing that can throw you off your guard like losing a child.  Nothing could be more like "the Tower" than that.  I felt thrown from a building.  I still get misty re-reading what I just typed.

My hope is that when I'm done blogging, I'll grab a cookie.. maybe some wine... play some cards and return to the realm on my usual two of cups... empress...strength cards...but then again, that may need to wait for this head cold to clear.

The Tower, The Devil.  huh.  I'm no mystic, but that sure was dead on.

Hubby and I had our weekly date this evening and had a wonderful time.  We went out and saw "Flight Plan".  We had popcorn, hot dogs and soda.  It was WONDERFUL.  The movie was ok.  The food was marginal.  The company the best I've ever had.

On our drive home I was remembering to myself how long and hard we fought the whole idea of having a babysitter.  We didn't want to entrust someone outside the family to the care of our son.  Then when Baby Girl came along, we felt the same way, but were starting to miss each other a lot.  As time went on, we missed each other more and more.  We really wanted time to ourselves, but had trouble justifying the cost. 

Justifying the cost.  Yup.  A sitter for two young kids both in diapers and needing a lot of attention, not to mention feeding and diaper changing... can be costly.  Especially when you want someone who is educated beyond high school, who knows CPR, first aid, has had childcare experience and speaks fluent english.  So a good solid fee of $15 an hour is expected. 

Justify the cost.  A date.  A movie with snacks for two is about $40.  Going to a book store and getting some fun reads is about $50.  Going out for a nice dinner and drinks (not NIIIIIICe.. but palatable) is about $40- $70.  Hmmm.. that's one to budget.

Justify the cost.... add up the cost of the sitter (average three hour stay) to the cost of "a date".  It's at least $95 to go out and do something commonly thought of as a date.  Now, this is what used to stop me from even thinking of hiring a sitter.  How could I justify tossing around that kind of money?  Couldn't we get by with the occasional family help?  er, nope.

So now... justify the cost.  $95 is a lot cheaper than: therapy, alienation from my husband, stress, anger, resentment, sadness.  It's also a pretty small price to pay for harmony, happiness, a good alone time with Hubby to hold hands, snuggle in a movie, some laughs, and listening without having to filter out the kids.

I had to learn the slow way.  But I gotta say.  It may be hard sometimes to leave, and it is ALWAYS great to come back to happy kids jumping up and down happy at our return.  That time away, and realizing the cost is so worth it is something I am grateful to have learned.

Surrender, Reflection, Om, etc.

Today I got up earlier than usual... as in I was out of the house by 7:45AM to get to an 8AM clinical deep tissue massage appt.  But you know what?  The Practitioner never showed!  I wasn't all that upset.  I mean, yeah... I would have loved the work and it would have been a major help, but I didn't get all that upset at all.  I left a message at the office and headed back home.

In the time it would have taken for me to get massage, I made and cleaned up after breakfast, helped formulate the rather ambitious to do list for the day and was out the door again with Big Boy to do some grocery shopping so Hubby could get dressed and get Little Girl dressed too.

We did Home Depot.  This is where the surrender aspect of my day comes in.  Our back.. yard? Foot? spot? patio?  That fugly spider infested overly invested in area behind our townhome that just needs something awful.  Well, we have done soo much.  I'll spare the story... but suffice it to say the sod just croaks no matter what. the ground is crazy tough and the guys who even called us back or estimated us on installing pavers or brick said it would be effing $4,500 to do.  fuggetabatit!  What did we do?  surrender to parenthood and that fact that we will not live beyond our means in this house.  Surrender to the fact that our DIY days are not going so well (bathroom is still not done, kitchen barely done.... months on both).  Realize WE don't want to be hauling the expensive, time consuming, difficult back breaking pavers ourselves.  SOOooooo we just bought a bunch (about 24 cubic feet) of mulch and just turned that space into a play structure area.  We hauled it in, we spread it around, Big Boy danced and kicked and said he liked it a lot... and it cost about $45 (after our HD return store credit stuff).  Do I  love it?  Not really.  Will it do?  Heck yes.  Will it make the kids happier in the back yard?  seems to.  Another play area option? yup.  Fit for company?  oh, the jury is still out.  But we do rid our minds of the pain the butt it was trying to keep a patch of green alive out there... or the bird feeders that attracted rats, .... ugh... on it goes...

Well that whole activity wore out the kids.  tantrums, tears, medicine for their head colds and they crash.  Then Hubby got to complete the tiling the the nevberending bathroom project and I cleaned kitchen, did four loads of laundry, pruned the ivy and roses  out front,  welcomed the kids back to the world of the living, did Baby Girl's bath.... Hubby called it a day on the bathroom and so we went to dinner!

got home, put kids down and are now enjoying The Hitchhiker's Guide To the Galaxy.  How very apt.  So long and thanks for all the fish!

I went out this evening with Dear Friend to a metaphysical shop nearby and made a super-cool purchase.  I couldn't help myself and I am just having too much fun.  I got The Housewives Tarot.

Those of you who read my blog (or know about it) know that I do read tarot cards from time to time.. so this is my...fifth or sixth deck and I am just soo tickled by them.  It is my next growth in using this intuitive tool in that they are so very funny.  Not all dark and "occult"-ish like the Universal Waite decks or new aged like angles decks or witchy like my Lucy Cavendish deck.  This is a deck I could take to a party and folks would laugh and laugh even if they're reading wasn't the most optimistic. 

The illustrations on the cards are priceless.  Like "the magician" is a guy glowing and pointing to a washing machine that is sparkling.  "judgement" is a half woman, half rump roast looking down at herself on a scale.

anyway... here's a url to take a gander and get a chuckle:
http://www.housewivestarot.com/

At the zoo today my son released three goats from the petting zoo.  As in, held open the gate, and proceeded to usher them out with a little swats on their bums as they passed through into the rest of the zoo area of Happy Hollow Farm in San Jose.

I was trying to get Baby Girl to walk a little faster to catch him, but then she did a face plant in the dirt and needed some dusting off.  My, how goat poop sticks to pink corduroy...

No biggie.  Moms nearby hurried the goats back into the petting zoo area and Big Boy promptly sulked for three seconds before running off to go look at the macaws.

He really wanted to liberate those goats.  He is such a cool kid.

I see so often forwarded e-mails with kitchie ideas on things you can do to prepare to have a baby.

there's one that says to take a heard of goats to a grocery store and attempt to get all items on the list while herding the goats about, without the goats eating unpurchased items or tearing down displays.

I think the same e-mail said to scatter legos all over the floor in your house and then set an alarm in the middle of the night (mimicking a baby cry) and run across a floor, impaling yourself on said legos and suffering in utter silence lest you wake another one of your children.  I dunno know, I think it more fitting to wake up in the middle of the night and try to turn off some annoying Vtech toy that has no volume control and just went off because the cat stepped on it!  The gift of course, is from one of your kids grandparents...

I laugh at these and such... but just to get a bit sanctimonious..... To really prepare for parenthood there are some VERY different things you need to do!

1) You need to prepare yourself to love some one so much it feels like your heart is breaking when that person is hurt or sad or sick.  Nothing airy or fairy about this suggestion.

2)  You need to prepare yourself to love someone so much you are willing to get out of bed multiple times every night to sooth, nurse, change,  and mop up no matter how tired you are or how much you could use the sleep.

3) You need to be secure in your love of your partner so that you know when you wake up smelling like vomit, covered in dried soured milk and sagging around the belly, he still tells you you are the most beautiful thing he's ever seen... and you know he means it... and you know that this is true partnership.

4)  You need to be prepared to see all of your best and worst characteristics played out in miniature and in parody... on  daily basis.... and be able to help yourself be a better person for it.

5)  cut the fowl mouth and road rage.... it just doesn't go well with the wee ones.  I say that as the mom of a son who bumps his trike and hollers "GODDAMMIT!!!" ;-)

There are other such things about parenthood that are all encompassing and submerging and overpowering and beautiful. 

I'm thinking of my great friend Hillary as she prepares for this journey.  She's going to be such a great mom.  For so many many many reasons, but I think one of the best reasons is that she already gets that this is going to be so much bigger than she imagined and that she won't be able to control it, and is only along for the ride..... she is sooo ahead of most in knowing this.  Hillary, if you read this, you knwo I'm rooting for you and will send you my kids' pediatrician info soon!  ha ha ha!

I am a beaten Mommy.  My three year old son hits me, kicks me, says mean things to me.  Oh the misery that is my life.  If you cannot read the sarcasm,, you do not know me well enough.

But..... Holy Heck what is the deal with this combative boy ( or 3 year old toddler?) stuff?  One minute "I love you momma... nosey nose?" (he asks me this to do an eskimo kiss... his favorite "Nosey-nose").  then next thing I know.... usually following a request like, "Hey Bud, let's get out of the car and go to the store."  It becomes "I don't like you one bit, you are NOT my friend, you are a naught naughty guy!"  Well folks, there you have it.  I am a "naughty naughty guy.... OK?!?!?"  Sometimes I am a "bully"  but I gotta say most often I am "Unacceptable!"

Hubby just got back from putting Big Boy back to bed.  He was found in the upstairs hallway naked from the waist down saying "I have trouble putting the diaper back on."  Ha ha ha ha

It is hard sometimes.  But not too much, really.  Yes, it wears on the patience and I do wonder why am i the lucky one?  Why does he chose to flip out on me and no one else?  I am "the safe one"?  Is it because I'm the momma?  He doesn't dare hit/scratch/punch/ lick his dad or schoolmates.  I figure he's testing out all this stuff on me to see how it flies.  I gotta tell you, it doesn't fly well.

I called a friend to chat after I had banished Big Boy from the living room for pummeling his sis with train track.  The new rule being: the living room is where we share, if you don't want to do this, you can play elsewhere... hallway, upstairs.. but not here.  Anyway... friend mentioned if I were another friend of ours he'd have gotten smacked for such behavior.  I just said "I have smacked him in the past... it didn't work." 

There..... I admit it.  I have before.  I have smacked him a few times (I can count on just one hand... thank you... )that's how long it took me to realize it didn't work).  It doesn't!  Now. Yes, I do agree that it's all "wrong" for the demonstrating violence, the degrading, shaming, showing it's ok to lose control etc etc etc reasons.... that was why I would never do it BEFORE I ever did it.  But then... I did it, and you know what?  It didn't work.  It never stopped the offending behavior and if anything.... it made the behavior more self-righteous.  "I know you're gonna whoop me so I'm going to do this as MUCH as POSSIBLE before that hand swats my bum!"  The of course I would have a residual guilt for losing control and swatting his bum and he would be pissed off more than "disciplined" so... ugh... it was pointless.

So what does work in disciplining my son through this hellacious time?  Time with just him and me playing together, or reading a story together.  Just some form of "Mommy and Big Boy time".  Also....making every attempt to include him.  IT's when he feels like more of a trail along he gets though to handle.

But honestly sometimes that doesn't even work.  He's 3 now.  It's just going to be tough for a bit.  Honestly... it's all good because he says some of the sweetest stuff ever.  I mean, really "Momma... let's do nosey-nose!" and the laughter.... also the wanting me to stay... read more...momma is still numero uno in the soothing department.

.. on it goes... 

Today has been downright blissful.  My mom came by and played with the kids (getting them gooood and tired too!) for about three hours while Hubby and I madly rushed about the house finishing projects, moving stuff and doing things we just can't do when managing the kiddos as well.

The kids went down for nap, and I actually fell asleep with Baby Girl for the first time in a while!  She now will nurse, finish, and in her own way ask to be placed in her crib.  Big one year old kid stuff. Ha.  But today due to teething she didn't want to be let down in her crib (quite adamantly so), so we ended up falling asleep all cuddled up together.  It was nice.  She's getting so big, but is still just my little baby and every momma knows how great it feels to fall asleep with a cozy warm cuddly babe against you.  The smell of baby head, the sound of baby snore.  It. is. divine.

I woke up to find out babysitter was here and it was time to get out with Hubby for three whole hours!  We ran errands, sat out on a patio and ate taquitos at Baja Fresh, held hands, had some P.D.A, and by the time we got home we had a mere hour before bedtime for the kids!

I soo enjoyed putting them to bed, reading Big Boy some stories, nursing Baby Girl down.  Having a **break** from the kids without being away from them entirely was just what this chick needed.  Her Hubby too, I suspect ;-).

George Bush Don't like Black People

nuff said

Good one.  Actually the website:

http://submediatv.com/index.htm

has some interesting ones on it.

My step-mom sent me this e-mail today.... with her permission, I am sharing it.

Louise Slaughter just sent me an email asking my experience of the Bush Era. Thank you for asking Louise.  Certainly Bush would never ask.
 
This led to an outpouring on my part, and you can delete it before reading if you choose, but here it is. 
 
 I have been intimidated into not speaking my mind without caution during this era.  That is a deliberate strategy of this administration and it is a mistake. Bush’s track record has created an opportunity to end the era of his greater regime’s control (make no mistake that this regime wishes to maintain power beyond W's last personal term and wishes to make any other party "irrelevant"; examine Karl Rove's philosophy).   It is incumbent upon all of us to think of how we can start moving in a better direction.
 
 My experience of the Bush era has been a time of loss of civil rights, loss of right to privacy, and loss of protection of the common person's security and ability to live a sound life in American culture.  All this in favor of protection of corporate excess and profits, moneyed cronyism, and co-opting of the religious right to claim moral high ground by those whose morality is, to me, in great question.
 
I am frustrated and frightened by the duplicity of this administration, which I believe is a regime that has taken over far greater control of the country than our democracy warrants.  We now live in a nation that tries to coach its citizens that it is unpatriotic to question its leadership.  To me, this is in direct opposition to the founders' intent in establishing freedom of speech.  It is a harbinger of danger.
 
I am worried, and afraid.  Not of foreign intruders, but of the invasion within of narrow minded, mediocre power mongers who have stunted vision and are throwing our nation's future into question.  Yes, there are national security issues, but let’s deal with them in ways that increase national security and world-wide security, instead of using them as opportunities to put forth pre-existing agendas.  That takes better minds than are now currently in power.
 
An ill-advised war has spent surpluses that could have been more wisely devoted to securing America's future, and plunged us into unparalleled debt.  In the name of "national security" the nation has, in fact, been made more vulnerable: our actions have fueled the Muslim extremist world, wasted lives, and not solved problems. 
 
The over-extension of our armed forces over-seas has left our domestic security in tatters, witness Katrina's horrifying results.  Who would have thought that a disaster of this proportion would be met with the confused, fragmented, and wholly inadequate response that our federal government showed?  Regardless of how the state and local governments responded, the federal government failed vastly. This, after our administration has been touting their gifts as guardians of our safety.   Now we know that as part of the cronyism typical of the administration, a man whose experience was limited to commissioner of an Arabian horse association was watching over our disaster preparedness.  Surely 911 taught us that more critical skills were required than that.
 
We need stronger, more capable leaders with greater integrity. We can change things if from top to bottom we demand more accountability, more courage, more vision, and stop swallowing whole the propaganda that allows us to proceed forward in our daily lives without examining the need for change. 
 
What should we do?  Here are my two cents:  Speak out; reject the notion that we cannot express our views.  Be brave enough to keep examining and pushing this country to be better.   Be kind to people and do good wherever possible and show that progressive people are also people of integrity and good works.   Conservatives don't own honor, faith, integrity, and good sense.  That is a fabrication of a spin machine.  Don't accept mediocrity in matters that affect the greater good.  We can't afford to bury our heads in the sand.   Vote, participate, and work until we make the tides change.  Every pendulum turns.  Our future and our children's future depends on it and Bush has given us clear opportunity to press for change.
 
Maybe now you wish you hit that delete button earlier :)  Too late.
 
Lisa

Okay,

I am a political person.  There, I said it.  I had to stay away form the news during my pregnancies because i would get so stressed out and I would cry and cry and cry at the ever building horrendous injustice that has become our federal government.

I live in an area with Bush/ Cheney stickers on cars.  Who doesn't? Some friends even voted for Bush.  Close friends? no, but we really do enjoy spending time with them and share many common values.  For so long I have been the polite good friend who doesn't ask the uncomfortable question of these friends and *yes* some family members.  that question being :  WHAT THE FUUUUUCK WERE YOU THINKING WHEN YOU VOTED FOR THIS HORRENDOUS ASSHOLE?!?!?!?

Well, maybe that is why I have not asked the question.  I am too charged on that topic to expect to have a conversation.  That and (I must admit) I do tend to play the good annonymous neighbor that doesn't bring up politics... as it is like religion, sex, and bowel movements... a private issue.  But I can't do it anymore!

Was it losing my privacy?  My civil liberties? My sense of safety? My belief my children would grow up in a ladn where Martin Luther King Jr. would be remembered? surprisingly, no.

Yes, New Orleans was the straw that broke the camel's back.  Our country (meaning the lives of predominantly minority and NOT upper class citizens in our armed forces! HELLO!) are so spent on dying in Iraq and all over.. we cannot even help our own anymore.  Yes, I will send diapers, formula, clothing etc along ON MY OWN Thank you Michael Moore.  Yes, I have made my donation to the rip-off of a red cross.  I can't get into what I am feeling over that disaster.

BUT ANYWAY..... here are urls for bumper stickers and t-shirts I  like.
simple
goodie
thoughtful

there was one I can't find today that I really liked that said (paraphrase): If you voted for Bush, your yellow ribbon means nothing.

anyway.... lack of being eloquent ends this posting

I had an occasion today that brought to light the fact that someone just out and out lied to me unnecessarily about something sooo trivial.  It leads me to wonder..... WHY LIE?

This was not a hurtful lie, it was one of those white lies that some feel are socially acceptable, but most of us know are total B.S.  What is funny is their 3 year old happily told me the truth today.  I am not at all hurt by the truth told, I AM annoyed that they felt the need to lie about it.  I also ponder how this pattern of polite lie and white lie and half truth telling will fly when raising their kid.  I imagine lots of punishing for telling truths to people they don't want the truth told to.

I decided (shortly after nearly losing my head) in 1998 I wasn't going to lie anymore about anything.  Why?  The eloquent and honest answer is I decided to live in integrity.  The more entertaining answer is:  It's too much freaking work!  I mean, really.  You have to remember what story you told to who.  You lie to dodge your energetic poison... an in lying build more poison on an exponential line.  To be blunt... shit upon shit upon shit....This I truly believe in my heart, so to see "grown folks" lying... well,  it's ridiculous. 

Don Miguel Ruiz who wrote The Four Agreements gets quite long winded and philosophical in writing about the importance of being impeccable with your word ( agreement #1).  I'm by no means a guru of this book, but I enjoyed the quick read and quick dissemination of common sense ethics packaged so well.  One thing he writes that I think hits home about lying and such as it relates to living in integrity is this, "How much you love yourself and how you feel about yourself is directly proportionate to the quality and integrity of your word.  When you speak with integrity, and say exactly what you mean, you are impeccable with your word; you feel good; you feel happy and at peace."

Oh, that felt so good to get out!  People!  Be the example for your kids...and IN the process.... grow yourselves.  Ture, a LOT of drama will leave your life when you do this.  Gossip will have to go too... but hopefully in it's place you will be happy and at peace with yourself!

three words that apply both to how this hurricane devastation was handled as well as the Bush administration.

We all know how New Orleans has been treated.  We all hear of the differences between how white people and people of color are treated.  We hear of the embarrassment this is.

This is a first hand account of two San Francisco paramedics trapped in New Orleans.  Trapped, as in shot at by Sheriffs for trying to get out of New Orleans, raided by Police for causing a scene camping on the interstate with 80 other survivors.... a day by day account of what they went through....to get water, to get food, to get out, to get noticed, to stay safe.  It is an audio file about 18 minutes long.

http://download.mondoglobo.net/junket415/shows/junket415-004.mp3

the written

http://mondoglobo.net/junket415/?p=5

I got a call from a friend today.  It was a life saver.. or a sanity saver.  Thank you universe for putting such wonderful friends along my path.

She has two kids same ages as mine.... yes, she's one of my friends that i was talking about envying.... today in a simple 5 minutes she helped me realize what I need is some self care    STAT!

In our "how are you doing?" chat I was more honest than usual and said I'm wondering if I'm anemic, maybe a little depressed or what, I wasn't sure.  I'm just so tired, did she ever feel just tired?  But moreso than body tired, just mentally exhausted?  Fed-up.  Kind of aggitated and pissed off... that "in my own persona hell" kind of space.  She gave the empathetic chuckle and then we both sighed.  She asked how long I'd been feeling this way etc etc etc.

- Am I getting enough sleep?
--- uh, no.  Baby Girl has been waking up three times a night lately ( at least two weeks now)due to teething or head cold.  I usually get to bed around midnight or one and am up for the day by 8.  Baby girl wakes around 3ish, 6ish and 7.
- Am I  getting some exercise?
-- uh, not lately in terms of that **Ahhhh**** 3 miles runs or hour long hard core yoga classes I miss.  Broken walks with Big boy in trike and Baby Girl in stroller aren't sooooo good on the stress level (ie. stop at the corner!  c'mon c'mon! Here, let me help you get out of that ditch.... don't run into my ankle, that hurts!... no bumping the stroller, please.)  Or the park walk and chase and walk and chase with either Baby Girl in arms, on boob, or in stroller... or in arms while pushing stroller. 
- Am I taking my vitamins and eating right?
-- eating "right"? yes... eating enough? no.  Vitamins? yes.

So I was happy to realize it's likely NOT a counselor I need, but more a trip to the local sporting goods store for a new set of sneakers and a jock bra that won't quit.  Of course that does raise the jogger stroller question... but hey, that's cool.  A jogger stroller costs a lot less than a counselor or **yikes** meds!

I have been missing running a lot lately and mentioned to my sis this weekend that I would really enjoy getting back into it and running the occasional 10K on weekends with babe in jogger stroller etc.  I don't have the time to train for a marathon right now... it takes a lot of time and recovery time I just don't have, but I'm sure I can manage getting up to 10k endurance quickly.  I imagine I'll do another marathon or so in my life... it was really too cool to NOT do again... but I can't see jumping back into mommy duty too well the day after a race like that.

ANYWAY....  I get off the phone,  then I came downstairs and Hubby sent me the url for the GREATEST MOMMY TOY EVER!!  I mean, that thing rivals my Odessey.

So I now see a light at the end of this tunnel.  Yes, finding time will be rough... but I don't see getting more outside help anytime soon.  Childcare at gyms has proven more than once to be FRIGHTENING.  Getting to the pool for lap swim or Master's at 6am just ain't happening.  I'll get better.  I'll feel better soon.