Jessica's Blog

I grew up with TV in the background.

Maybe due to being a latch Key kid from the time I was 6.  TV became my babysitter.  It helped keep time, it soothed, it entertained... it was even educational from time to time... even in ways I'm sure my folks would not want to know about.  I would come home from school after riding buses across SF with a key hung on a piece of yarn around my neck and a quarter in my pocket for bus fare.  I wouldn't talk to strangers or make much eye contact.  Other friends who rode the bus got off at their stops a bit before mine... and I had tranfsers.  For a while a freaky guy used to stare at me and follow me and stuff... God that sucked for a 9 year old....The point of going on a bout this is that when I got home and keyed in and locked the door behind me and said hello to the cat... the tv was my company until Mom got home three or so hours later.  3-2-1 Contact, sesame street, Inspector Gadget, Oprah, Donahue, the News.. the NEws and then Mom would come in.  I didn't like aswering the phone much because I had gotten an obscene phonecall when I was about 8 that freaked me out so bad I lived in fear of that happening again.  TV was my babysitter.  My Big Sis enjoyed hanging out with her friends until she absolutely had to come home..so I was on my own a bit.

Before the divorce and move back to S.F when we were in Walnut Creek... I would go out and explore and play  or walk to a friends house to hang out.  I was outside.  BUT if I was inside... the boob tube was on.  usually after dinner to see The Muppet Show.  That was when I knew Dad was due to arrive home in his three piece suit to say hello and laugh with me as I watched Swedish Chef.

Heck, even before that I remember the nursery school workers and even Ms. Adams from my very first memories of life watching All My Children after calling "Naptime" and getting their lunch break while surrounded by kids on little plastic cots.

TV was/is pervasive.  It drains our brains and makes us zone out.  It kills imagination.  It desensitizes us.  It's what we point our furniture at.  I don't want my kids growing up TV heads like I did.  BUT.... I love to read.  I'm an avid Thinker.  I have a big imagination.  I relatively creative.  So I question why it bugs me so.  Clearly Hubby and I are "fine" from the experience and are aware of what the kids see etc etc.

I go through phases of "NO TV TODAY!" and I find Big Boy and Baby Girl find their oys intersting again, and go outside to play more.....BEYOND the usual 2 to 3 HOURS a day we are outside running, playing ball, riding trikes, running errands.  I also find the whole place looks more like a tornado hit it and I am more tired from reffing fights and suggesting games and saying "No tv no tv no tv" all the time.  I use the TV as a babysitter myself.  Thinking about it, I  am quite certain my kids see about an hour of TV a day.  Maybe even two hours.  I gag when I say this.  But which is worse?  Some zonign or being yelled at all the time by a mom who is just "done"?

Do I quit cold turkey?  Do I cover it up?  Do I wean us gently?  Whenever I fight the TV monster funny things happen.  Big Boy goes to visit a friend in the complex and when I arrive.. he's a zombie head sitting on their couch staring at the TV while his friend is playing with toys and ignoring the tv.  It's still a new thing to him in a way.  I used to be adamant about NO TV FOR BIG BOY until I was sooo morning sick while pregnant with Baby Girl something had to give because I COULD NOT actively play with him all the time.  that's when Baby Einstein joined our family.

I'm still up in the air about the television.  I have a friend who basically does not have a TV.  No cable and only one set hidden in a cabinet.  I marvel at that.  I want to know how she spends her day and if we could do it too.

The jury is still out.. but while the Jury is still out We'll go on enjoying Thomas and Friends and the Backyardigans.  Although... I did hear Diego (Dora's cousin the rainforest naturalist) is going to have his own show soon.... hmmm.

We decided (or I wanted to and Hubby thought it fine) to have a big BBQ at a local park to celebrate the kids' birthdays in Sept.  Big Boy will be 3 and Baby Girl will be 1.  We haven't seen so many people in so long.  We miss them.  Moms know how the first year of motherhood is spent getting used to and intensively nurturing the new person in the world.  I need to reconnect with those I have not seen in ages.  In other words... those who either do not have children, those who have children with opposing schedules to our own, or those who spend a majority of their time over 15 miles away.  We even decided to cater in BBQ because we want to spend the time with the friends and the kids.. not desperately keeping the kids away from fire or smoke and tending the food the whole time.  In short.. we are really going all out here to enjoy ourselves with our friends.

I have made my peace in terms of "oh gee, who will actually come?  Who will RSVP??"  Heck... whoever comes will be great, so long as I know so I can throw together the right number of kiddo goody bags.  The RSVP process has been pretty funny so far.  I can tell I'll have lotsof calls to make after the "due" date.  I'm getting funny phonecallsa bout "We're 80% sure at least half of us will make it".  Or, "If we go away this weekend we'll be here next weekend and can come."  or "Well, if I've had the baby I'll be there for a bit, but if in the hospital son and hubby will come..."  Does this upset me?  Nope.... it just makes me laugh at how we are pretty much challenged to lead noncommital lives when babes or pregnancies or pregnancy due dates are involved.

Today as i surfed through yet another day of tidal tantrums from Big Boy and suicidal explorations, pinching, biting, and screaming behavior from Baby Girl a seedier, much more annoying thought came to my mind... "Oh Shit will these age appropriate monsters make it to the party?!?!?"  Forget out through it... will we be fighting an uphill battle of tantrums that so demand our attention we'll be *stuck*?!?!

I took them to the park today at the time the party is scheduled to begin.  Big Boy decided it was the wrong park and was throwing tantrum in the minivan refusing to come out because it was "the wrong park".  I just ignored him to the point of having Baby Girl and diaper bag all packed up and was closing the doors when he decided to change gears and meekly asked, "Let me out, please?".    Baby Girl was nearly asleep or trying to be for about an hour or so.  Big Boy did his playtime routine all over and just needed some supervision.  So I was soothed that it would work.  Baby Girl can be tired and even nap if need be at the park.. not a problem.  Big Boy had his fits about what way to walk on paths, what structures we had to walk to... etc etc... but it seemed ok. 

I'm going to need to call upon the grandparents and auntie to help out that day.  To be truthful balloons and tableclothes don't lay themselves and we will be toting down the cake and drinks to the site ( I want to avoid the $80 car entrance fee OUCH!).  that is all fine, but doing all that with Big Boy and Baby Girl in tow is a bit daunting.  In that I'd use up all my words before the first friend would even get there.  I have a funny image of paying the $80... driving to the site, leaving the kids in the car watching some movei while Hubby and I set up without hindrance... hmmm.... that COULD work....

We are going to be having a wing it and cope with it kind of day.  it's going to be fun. 

I noticed today that the light in the sky is starting to change.  I got so happy.  I love autumn.  I love this in between summer/autumn stuff as well.  I love how fall creeps in.  It gets cooler, the days get a little shorter.. then BAM it's time to get a Halloween costume together.

I'm one of these people that responds to Fall the way MOST of the world responds to spring.  I just get so giddy and excited about it.  I've always felt most alive in the fall.  No surprise both my babes are born in early fall.

It's no longer so hot that being as close to naked as publicly polite is needed.  But it is pretty cool to show off some summer sunned skin without having to shave quite as much.  The mornings have a bit of a chill to them, but the evenings are balmy, sweet, and sensual beyond words.  The days are getting shorter,  and evening breezes have returned.  Sweaters, sweatshirts, jeans HELLO!

My urge to knit is returning, the desire to find books that are more substance and less fluff (But I doooo adore chicklit a LOT). 

I know we've got more hot days to come.  More sunscreen, battling yellow jackets at the park, sandal wearing, air conditioning.  But not for too long!

Oh it feels just so effing great to do!  I mean really.

Many of you know my Buddhist and Eastern influenced life philosophy.    It is a huge aspect as to why I am The Anti-Pack Rat.  Impermanence.  Utility.  the ability to LET GO.  It is healing, cathartic and good for energetics.  Clutter drives me NUTS and it was starting to build up around here.  That on top of the fact that both kiddos are old enough to keep themselves amused in a SAFE way such that Hubby and I are able to clear stuff out quickly.

We had new carpets installed this week and in preparation I needed to clear out everything from the floors of our closets.  All of that stuff went to that infinite space known as the garage... where Hubby could not park for the rest of the week until this was dealt with.

Saturday it just all clicked and it was great.  A wonderful woman I have just recently met and like is doing a triathlon for Leukemia... yeah, team in training.  Sandy  (who has a blog on her training) is having a garage sale, and all the items are donated and all the proceeds go to her commitment for the tri.  I thought this was really cool, and wanted to give her support without losing cash flow.    We filled up her minivan.  Then a pregnant friend stopped by and picked up a BUNCH of baby boy stuff.  We cleaned out our office/wardrobe/ catchall.  I organized two more bags of too small for baby girl clothes.  We had a trip to the dump.    Hard work. good work.

It freed up the chi!  I feel like I can breathe again.  On an energetic level it felt like regaining the house from a static that comes with too much *stuff*.  I am looking forward to boxing up the now not needed so much NUMEROUS rattles and baby books and such, while not rushing baby Girl out of using them. 

I do have a special box though.  A box that holds the outfits my babes wore home from the hospital.  their first shoes, and articles of clothing that just scream "Remember how I LOVED this?!?  Things I imagine I'll dump on them like my mom dumped a couple boxes on me recently.  I have no doubt that this box will multiply many times over in the years to come.  Boxes we know nothing about but open from time to time and get transported back to loooong forgotten memories.  But maybe I will hold tight to these boxes I'm starting now... so I can transport myself to remembering when my babes fit easily in one arm for carrying.  When they had shoes so tiny, smelled so sweet.  Who knows.. in their teenage years I may keep these boxes in the master bedroom so Hubby and I can look at them each night and keep our heads straight.  The Bjorn and the sling alone would do it, really.

Big Boy is going to be 3 next month and the attitude is mounting quite beautifully.  In response... or reaction.. I find my self getting short with him.  No, not short.. that is not the right thing to say but I DOOoooo find myself saying the following types of things:

*  NOW means now.... not later.. c'mon c'mon little guy!
*  Are you listening to me?  shake your head if you are!
*  we do NOT do that here!
*  Ok... I need you here by the count of three or we have to leave!
* what did you DO?!?!?

oh yes..... I sound like a Bill Cosby recording.... "C'mere!  COMMMME  here!... here!  here!  cooommmmmmmeee heeeerrreee!"

then there's :
*Remember  this... that when you do *blank*, *blank* happens and you don't LIKE *blank*!!
* That was NOT a good choice (oof I hate it when that flies out)
* absolute quiet as I count to ten in my head and breathe deeply.... oddly enough.. THIS gets the biggest response.
* Look at me... LOOK AT ME!
* I don't think so, kiddo... now get back here!

I talk to friends about feeling like a crappy mom when I get impatient or when this stuff flies out and wonder if they ever feel bad.  You know what the response has been so far?

"EVERY DAY!!"

One says she beats herself over not being emotionally available to her kid when she gives up and says "ok... if you need to go on like that, do it in your room."

Another says "everyday" then puts our phone chat on hold as she hollers "I'll believe it when I see it! Now go Pee!!"  ha ha ha

We are not  bad, we are not nasty moms, uneducated moms, abusive moms.... we are simply moms trying to make it.  We need to not beat ourselves up for it!  Heck, who else will do our job?  Who else could love it more than we do, even on a really bad day? witness my last entry.

Girlfriends with kids help keep my world spinning with laughter at our own evolution as mothers, that is for sure! 

What Mommy things do you say?

We went to the beach on Tuesday to meet up with the playgroup.  I went with my dear friend and her daughter (they piled in with mine into our Odessey and we carpooled).  It was great.  Great in the three moms  with five kids kind of fun. ha ha ha muah ah ah.    There were more moms we were meant to meet up with, including Pot Stirrer XL, but never saw them.  PSXL dropped with twins (one whose name she's decided she doesn't like and will dish out a few hundred bucks to change) with her mom so she can just be with her older one (must be nice).  I admittedly felt protective of my dear friend.  I was looking forward to adventure, NOT looking forward to feeling "tension"  AT ALL.  But you know what??? The Divine works in mysterious ways.

We went to Manresa State Beach.  A lovely CA beach with mucho mucho stairs leading down to it.  about 5 stories worth, and I'm not exaggerating... folks around here know what I mean.  As we were herding the pack oh toddlers and two babes down to the beach, a pod of dolphins was just off the shore; about four seals were in the breakers with the surfers, it was totally overcast and cool.  SUCH a Northern California summer beach day.  We were awstruck.  It is no small task pointing our a dolphin pod to a toddler's eyesight! 

Big Boy seemed shy of the water while his gal pals were up to their knees (we have to mind the undertoe).  He decided to take the plunge and got all wet.  He did not want to be wet.  He did not want to be sandy.  He wanted to be naked.  But once he was naked he decided nothing would do but going to the car and getting clean fresh clothes.  As in, " No Momma, I NEEEED to go to the car!  I NNEEEED to go to the Odessey to get my clean dry clothes!  Right NOW Momma, right nooooowww!"  Those with three year olds know that there is no negotiating this.  the towel wrap and clean diaper didn't work because "IT'S SAAANNDYYY!!!!".  So **Thank GOD for dear friend** she took Baby Girl in the sling while I hoisted Big Boy (near 40 pounds of him) back up the five flights of stairs up the cliff. But then I took a wrong turn and ended up hiking through the campground before getting back to the car.  All the while Big Boy is telling me he needs clean dry clothes.  While standing in the parking lot getting dressed he's telling me he needs his sandals back but they are on the beach.  Now..... it is amazing how stating the obvious in times of stress can really make me want to lose my mind all together.  But I didn't.

We made it back to the beach in time for lunch.  Baby Girl leapt back into my arms to nurse and crash out.  Yellow jackets came to join us in our repas.  Big Boy decided to throw sand at them.  Sand went down the back of my pants... giving me a lovely exfoliating scrub on the hike back to the care later (yeow!).  Then he had  to fling his hands at them.  That's all fine, but his hands were holding a spoon full of yummy applesauce... which got all over his clean dry clothes... which (you guessed it) were no longer clean or dry... which attracted more yellow jackets.    *sigh*  So I got the spoon from him and he hid under a towel shrieking for a bit before he started screaming that he wanted to go home, he missed his cats, he wanted to go see Max and cuddle Max.  baby Girl slept through all of this.  Amazing.  I just held him and hummed and told him it was going to be ok... clearly he was beyond "done".  Inside I had sooooo had it with the tantrums that day.  Outside I just used my soothy voice and prayed to make it through.  Thankfully it was really time for everyone to go home...

He walked up the stairs on his own the second time.... and I carried Baby girl (about 26 pounds), lunch bag, diaper bag, sand toy bag, and Big Boys hand.  He proudly carried his own towel around his neck.  Dear Friend and I got the kids changed, packed, buckled, and ready to go in the van, did a high five and hit the road back home.

It really was a great trip.  I really enjoyed having the time with friends.  Despite our misadventure and Big Boy's tempermental day... it was quite nice.  The kicker was that as we were driving out to the highway... we passed a sign for "Manresa State Beach" that was not the same beach we were on!  Turns out THAT was were the other three moms showed up.  We were not meant to see psxl that day.  I was grateful.  We had a wonderful day and I was grateful.  Dear friend and I got such a laugh about it.

Since we bought this little town home I lovingly call our "foot in the door of home ownership" we have:

*installed low voltage wiring for ethernet and satellite (2 cat 5 and 2 rg6 to every room)
*replaced every appliance including the furnace and installed air conditioning
*added cans for lighting, replace fixtures with energy efficient bulbs, installed X10 all over
*by the end of the day tomorrow we will have replaced all of the flooring (pergo downstairs, new carpet upstairs, new tile in the downstairs half bath, new vinyl in the upstairs bath)
*new countertops in kitchen (corian from nasty tile)
*redone the backyard, but probably will again (ug)
* painted the interior at least once
*installed water softener and drinking water filter system
* had shutters installed in the loft Master Bedroom half wall.
*oh yeah.. the security system...

I'm sure there';s stuff I'm forgetting.  and yes anything that can lawfully be done on our own, we've done on our own.... ala SWEAT EQUITY.  Oh yea.. and had 2 kids too.

we have a downstairs half bath remodel underway.

Yes, we did buy it knowing it needed some loving care... and it's payed off well as an investment.

We are sooo going to stay here at least another 2 years!  We've put way too much into this place to give it up right when we get it to where we like it quite a bit (not to mention the cool neighbors).  I hear the schools are good, but have to admit, I haven't done the research.

Will we really spend a lot more time in this little 2 bedroom townhouse?  Who knows.  I know I'd like a guest room and an office for Hubby, a two car garage.. the kids to have their own rooms...a yard? but I dunno.  This place is cozy.  And honestly... if we're going to swing me being home this is where we need to be to do it.  The only way we could afford our dream house is if we moved to the midwest.  not ready to do that just yet.

I just got home from seeing The Aristocrats.

My face hurts from laughing so much.  Really.  Off the hook funny funny stuff.  Horrible.  vulgar, wretched stuff!  But that is the true beauty of comedy.  The ability to bring laughter out of such a horrible story and such bad language is brilliant.

Beyond the vulgar language and ways to make me laugh myself blue at the numerous renditions of the same joke, it was a nice documentary.  A study on the art of comedy.  Comedy being the "singer and not the song" as Penn says.  A lot more came out of the interviews with the actors/producers/ writers/ comedians than just the joke.  I've always had respect for comedians, but some of these guys are more like historians in the art of comedic theater and vaudeville. 

Did anyone go too far??  not really and that is the interesting thing about comedy.  I was really surprised.. initally pleased and then just kind of NOT amused by Bob Sagit (Full House dad guy)... my GOD did he take the joke to places that were just off the beaten path. 

Oooof. tired.  I'd go on and on.. but my philosopher brain is tired too!

I gotta tell my pops to go see the movie.. he'd get a kick out of it.

I had some trouble winding down last night.  Mostly because the kiddos did too.  I stayed up really late watching a TiVoed So You Think You Can Dance?  Baby Girl woke at 3 and ended up in bed with us. Then Big Boy woke at 4 and I ended up falling asleep ( a bit) with him in his room... him waking every hour or so to tell me he wanted to talk to me about something unti about 8 when I gave up.  Aw well...They are asleep now!! yay!

I was curious about So You Think You Can Dance, and actually quite enjoyed my late night brain buzzing self.  This was not your usual annoying audience roaring thing.

Well.... some of the dancers weren't totally enthralling... BUT, it did make me miss my silly goofy ballroom dancing days with Hubby before it started getting more advanced and he said "I just... It's just...I don't want to go anymore."

But I digress :-)

I admire folks who can dance well in front of an audience.  I really do.  And these kids (well, some our "my age") change genres and training and partners and still do it looking like it is nothing new to them.  That is cool.  Not like the three months of the same routine to be shown at recital stuff I'm used to seeing.    Or the broadway musical chorus line stuff.  It is kind of nice to know at least I have a late night.. brain dead...need to unwind and see somethign entertaining show now.  Afterall, Dead Like Me keeps me busy on Hubby's SOCOM nights.

In this age of messed up TV where idiots end FABULOUS shows like Six Feet Under and Carnivale... it's an ok show.  But really!  WHY WHY WHYYYYYY did they kill of Carnivale???  Oh how I loved that show.  Mystical, magical, hard core dirty, sexy, thoughtful....scary.  If it were a book I'd read it again because I was not done getting to know and enjoy the characters!  I think I'm going to feel equally crappy when Six Feet Under is dead (har har har).  Deadwood sucks.. Rome doesn't have me interested at all.... Why lose thought evoking interesting characters and replace them with violence violence violence??  I have nothing against it (violence)... but I NEED (like my coffee in the morning!!) really complex interesting characters that sound educated and somewhat tormented by their own intelligence having human conversation and experience!

Hey.... I've told juuust enough people about my blog so i can ask a question adn request a comment.  What TV show do you honestly enjoy and dislike missing out on?  Do they still exist?  I'm curious because (not that I have much time to zone to the boob tube)  What shows do YOU watch?  or rather TiVo and watch when you actually want to see them?

off to enjoy my Friday night. ciao!

I had an awesome day at the park today.  Big Boy SHARED!  with kids he didn't know!  his CARS!  without being supervised!  I was amazed and proud and beaming from afar.  There were minor altercations, but nothing like "back in the day".  One little boy kept trying to poke Big Boy in the eye with a stick.  The kid wouldn't minde me, so i found his mom and finked him out.  Boy did he get it.  I was concerned about shaming the mom.... but later a woman from her playgroup made a point of coming up to me and telling me she thought I handled it beautifully and gracefully.  How nice was that?  Baby Girl had her first real day at the park.  She spent her whole time in the playstructure crawling and supported walking about.  It was really a great time out.

I made phonecalls today too!  I EVEN answered a call AND hung out on the phone with my friend Vicky instead of napping.  And yes.... it was quite worth it.  ;-)

Tough night.  Baby Girl just was really pissed at the world.  So I have bruises on my arms from her pinching while nursing.  She's in our room... flopping around in her sleep.  I have a feeling she'll be up soon.

I'm not social like most folks, I don't think.

Seems folks call each other on the phone a lot and chat.  I don't do that.  Too often anymore.  I think I wore out the phone thing after 24.  That and I don't like being on the phone with my kids around.. both because they are noisy and I'm not that mom who has a phone to her ear while mothering.  Not to judge, but i jsut can't concentrate on anything when I'm on the phone but the phone.  When I talk to someone, I like a conversation...or quick relay of information.  Chatting?  I find it hard to do in my day to day life.  I go through phases, but for the most part?  It ain't happenin.

I try.

It feels like working out.  Once I do it, it feels great.  But when I don't do it.  I gotta be honest... I feel fine too.

When does it get to be a problem?

Much like some folks wake up feeling like they have a flabby ass...and try to get to the gym.  I wake up feeling like a social loser with no friends and that I should pick up the phone and call some.  tend that friendship garden as it were.

When do I feel like a loser?  at gatherings when it seems like everyone knows everything about everyone else and I know NOTHING.  Or when high school friends get together or when college friends get together.... what??? is it usual to just call up old friends all the time and talk?  Honestly friends I hold dearest to my heart I may not speak to more than twice a year. 

As I was driving away from Squaw Valley, I called to tell a friend we were leaving.  We were begged to stay.  We had to go.  I hung up, sighed, feeling a tad bit guilty until I realized none of them has ever picked up the phone to call me ever.

I read somewhere to make "phone dates"  I tried that.  Didn't work....for Baby Girl reasons.

I'd write more on this, but I'm tired.  Yup.  Maybe even too freaking tired to send the e-mails I need to send. 

Oh, we are born a lone and we die alone.. maybe this is one topic I can leave alone! ha!  But to those of you out there who KNOW about this blog, who I speak to about twice a year.. please know I care about you very much....I'm simply a social loser!

I find myself getting really giddy over the strangest things lately maybe it's the new form of teether sleep deprivation.. but check this out... I'm being honest... I get really happy/excited about this stuff! like:

the two pack of neosporin at the costco (two BIG tubes too!)
the two pack of children's motrin at the costco (two BIG bottles too!)
a $1 a box special on Dora band-aids
a Buzz Lightyear toothbrush
a crazy plush stuffed animal of the cat or dog persuasion
a new episode of Backyardigans ( I love Uniqua best... Baby Girl likes Pablo and Big Boy likes Tyrone)
Whenever a fire truck is parked at the lot of the grocery store and fire fighters are inside getting groceries (Big Boy and them have a mutual admiration society)
construction sites
the far off sound of a diesel train horn causing Big Boy and I both to gasp, look at each other and say "hear THAT?!?!?  a train!"
Knowing Baby Girl sees a dog whenever I hear her panting like one
Knowing Baby Girl sees a Cat whenever she meows like one
hearing the chime and clatter of baby girl's walker going all over the pergo downstairs
Seeing a preview for some goofy CGI pointless kid flic, turning to Hubby and saying "Ooooh!! Family movie trip!"  I mean, really.... is Valiant all that cool???

I moved Baby Girl's crib to Big Boy's room again.  Right now she's crashed out in the Pak N Play in our room.  I'm awaiting her middle of the night wake up call/ nursing session/ possible motrin dose to move her down the hall.  She and Big BOy have now moved to completely different nap times.  So I have 20 minutes during the day when she's waking up and wanting to be held/changed/ nursed/ brought back to this world while he wants to be read to/ sung to/ conversed with/ put down.  Usually what I get his about 5 minutes of them taking turns screaming.... a few minutes of them both climbing on me and competitively body blocking each other followed by both of them having a fit and Big Boy have the bigger fit as I leave him to go to sleep.

I'm tired, but adjusting to my "no nap; no way in hell" for me lifestyle.

Baby Girl is going to be a year old next month and I'm wondering how much longer I get to breastfeed.  She goes through phases of having no interest and then phases of wanting nothing but the boob.  I love breastfeeding.  It's so easy and obvious.  Actually, I take that back.  It isn't "easy" per se.  Any breastfeeding mom knows the difficulty of feeding a bigger baby who is hungry but also wants to take in all there is to see in the world...or wants to have immediate let down and gets ultra pissed when the boobs don't just fountain as they wish... so they give up... only to leave you blue-boobed when the milk DOES let down.  I've had 2 or 3 (I honestly can't remember for sure) systemic breast yeast infections that bowled me flat, but didn't stop me.

But you know what?  It really is awesome.  I do it for as long as I do it because it IS work and just seems like one of the most natural animalistic things left in this world that connects us to every other mammal.  Breastfeeding our young.  Beyond the medical research about why it's the best for a baby.....Deep inside I feel regret that I didn't have natural childbirth with either of my kids.  there was no way!  they were huge!  But breastfeeding is something I do for them readily and without hesitation.  Big boy breast fed until 15 months.  I stopped only because I had to travel away and he seemed ready.  Who knows how long Baby Girl will stick with it.

Why do I go on about breatfeeding?  Well... beyond how awesome it is....It's my nursing bras.  They are shot and they are expensive, but they are DIVINE.... I want to get new ones, but we're talking $150 to replenish and if Baby Girl is going to finish up soon on her own, why invest?  But they are soo great, and every woman knows how hard it is to find a goooood bra.  And therefore that much harder to find a good one for nursing.    Nursing: when breasts change shape and size over and over throughout the day.... or need to be fastened half asleep in the dark or without looking under three layers of clothes at the park  while STILL making the girls look fabulous, keeping them comfy and looking sexy too???

Bella Materna... so worth every penny.  I think i just talked myself into buying the bras.. ha ha ha

The reward money grows and grows as more and more customers donate to catch the Duck killer.  Pictures of his car description, himself are on the news.  Police are confident he'll be caught.  I mean, c'mon the guy has a vanity plate and a sticker for a college or apartment building.

here's the latest story

Every now and then a story rides out of the news that actually wrenches my gut more than others.  News in general is horrible stuff.  Murder, rape, robbery, scandal.... so I don't usually watch.  Tonight as I was leaving to go meet with some friends Hubby told me a story that just floored me. It totally caught me off guard and made me really sad.

Our local car wash, The Delta Queen,  looks like a river boat.  There is a mote around it with decking and in the water are fish and ducks; quite a few ducks.  Every spring there are ducklings.  They walk around the car detailing area and nest in the bushes.  Kids like to feed them, and as you drive out of the car wash, you drive carefully so as not to bump into them as they waddle along.  They are adorable and relaxing and part of what makes it such a great place to get a car washed.  Makes you feel like family.  The big domestic mutt ducks that apparently started at a gift of two ducks back in 1972!

Well, last night some kid drove up, herded a bunch of the ducks and ducklings from their nesting area near the water into the neighboring parking lot and mowed them down with his car.  We're talking 15 or so minutes of footage on the security camera of this guy running the ducks over... and over... and over and picking them up and throwing them against the walls.  Just horrible horrible stuff.  He killed ten of them in a really bad way.

I left the house to go to my friends' for the evening and found myself going to the car wash.  How bleeding heart of me, but I gotta tell you, I wasn't alone.  There were two local news station trucks there.  I thought maybe all the ducks were dead and wanted to offer condolences and see if they needed a donation for more ducks or something.  The ducks made me happy in a quiet and graceful way and them being murdered was a shock, simple. That sad feeling of wanting to help but not quite knowing how.  It felt so silly and goofy, but the story really hit me and the car wash WAS on the way...

Long story short.... I ended up on the 11 o'clock evening news.  I got into a conversation with the CBS reporter covering the story (she was editing it at the time) and she ended up interviewing me.  Funny... and yes, I called home and gave my hubby a  chuckle about my homage to the Delta Queen and how I ended up on the evening news for it.  Turns out there is well over $3000 in reward money going to finding the guy who killed "massacred" the ducks.

It sounds so silly since they are ducks.  But that's just it, they're ducks!  What did they ever do to deserve this?  The footage I saw on the news(along with part of my interview) was just so sad.  I'm not all vindictive and "burn him at the steak" about who did this.  I think they really need help of some kind.  Studies show those who commit such atrocities are happy to do so to people too.  But I DO hope he gets picked up soon.

Why do I care so much about these ducks?!?!  The reporter was musing the same.  She said the story was spreading so fast.  She called the Nextel operator to get the address for the Delta Queen in Campbell.  The operator for the cell phone service said "OH!!!  Have you heard about their ducks?!?  Isn't it horrible?!?"

Ducks, the new sacred cow for Campbell, CA.