Jessica's Blog

THIS ENTRY STARTED FRIDAY... FINISHED SUNDAY...

Projects that feel like they take forever.  Being home with the babes and keeping them busy while I do something makes things take longer.  Or **gasp** playing with them or talking with toddler about school and cars, colors, trucks and trains.  In short.. I am now on day 5 of painting the kitchen.

gotta go.  Wee one just fell down

Ok, back... after soothing wee one, going to three different stores for errands, picking up toddler at preschool, facilitating play, making lunches, cleaning up lunches, bathing wee one, nursing wee one, putting wee one down for nap, and preparing to get the other ready for nap.  All the while walking through the taped and in need of ANOTHER coat of paint kitchen and thinking "Now, when am I going to get to THAT?!?!"  Will it be during nap time?  What if wee one wakes right after I put big boy down?  I did pull off some tape and was reminded that after the walls there's the trip and baseboards to do.. and then the "touch ups"

Gotta go get big boy upstairs before he starts getting creative with his voice and noise.  Thomas and friends just ended.

Well... wee one did wake up and was able to remain occupied while I took down more tape.  Big boy woke up with A LOT of energy making it seem best for us to get out of the house for the evening lest things get broken.  Home for dinner routine, bedtime routine.  Followed by my own personal fall on face routine.

The weekend flew by in a torrent of a trip to the Gilroy garlic festival followed by bathing and napping the sunstroked, followed by a party to see friends I miss a lot followed by a late bedtime.  Sunday was up early and out early with kids to the zoo in SF to visit with grandma while hubby continued (he never DID sleep Sat night) his tech project HE never has time for... www.paulstimesynk.com followed by (you guessed it.. napping, bathing, feeding)

I did attempt to do some of the sanding we wanted today with a borrowed sander.  the thing was a heavy dinosaur that would sooner kill me that do what I want.... so here we are....heading toward week 2 of the freaking painting kitchen project....

I gotta sleep.  Wee one and big boy contracted a head cold (from the Valley Fair play area no doubt) so I have been interrupted to by wee-one's cries and having to steam her to sooth her sinuses so she MIGHT sleep through the night (but I am not getting my hopes up)

this is why I never get stuff done.. I've forever doing other stuff.

I often wonder whenever I join a group of any kind how close we all intend to be as members.  How many secrets will there be?  How many mini-cliques will form?  Will they form odd alliance type bonds when things get rocky?  Or will things be as we "all" would like?  Friends and buddies forever doing stuff together with no bad blood, gossip or ill will harbored?  Bullshit.

If there is anything I have found in my 30+ years of life experience it is that there is rarely ever a group formed (of women anyway) that did not get marred with in fighting, clique forming, gossip and conflicts. 

Up until I was a mother I just didn't join into groups much.  I enjoyed being the mysterious outsider that didn't socialize often.  I had one women's group and that was cool.  I have one good friend from each phase of my life and I am happy to chat with them maybe once a year (thank God for e-mail).  But with the birth of my firstborn came the birth of my playgroup which has been a monstrous blessing for me in being schooled in the art of socializing: women style.  i say "schooled" because it sounds prettier than being "housed" or "trounced" or "blind-sided" which is often how I feel.. but I am beginning to learn, I think...

My playgroup. Yeah.  sure.  We are all friends.  My ass.  It's sad because I truly have great love for a good number of our members.  Well, to be totally honest i really love all of them, save one.  let's just call her Pot Stirrer XL.  A woman with the ability to take everything personally, exude hatred and gossip with such flair she could make Mother Teresa come off as a jealous vindictive heifer out to make Pot Stirrer's life miserable. 

What is freaky is she's SOOOoooo good at it!  It is frightening!  Every pore of my intuitive self screamed out "don't get too close!" from the start and sure enough.... her sacred contract with some of  us is to teach us how a group could be split to the point of such pathetic phrases as "well, I don't want to be there if SHE'S there." and "Oh, I don't mind her so long as I never have to speak to her."  Come ON, woman!!! 

I dont' want to get into the tiffs she's had with another mom(good friend of mine...surprise).  But I will say this: she succeeded in alienating and scapegoating her!  When my friend tried to talk things out with her, Pot Stirrer XL acted like everything was fine... but nope... the venom she spoke of her after she was "fine with her" was potent.  Claiming hurt feelings, crying with her close clique friends over her hurt feelings...NEVER addressing the conflict directly to my friend and running her friends like the court of public opinion.  It was disastrous.  Slow brewing... "bubble bubble toil and trouble" kind of group breaking venom.

The good news for her and for the group in my mind... she was quite pregnant and disappeared for a while.  Folks started to get along again.  Chit chat was pleasant etc.  But now..... she's baaaa-aaack.  Babes being cared for  by a family member so she can get out with her eldest and bless us with her ultra-fertile presence.

I pray we are the wiser from our respite. 

Today I had a chance to either go meet up with my playgroup or go hang with a friend I hadn't seen in a while. I chose hanging with the friend and I am soo glad I did.

I have been having issues lately in group dynamics. Moms who stay home attempt socialization in "playgroups". We meet up at parks and try to complete broken conversations while chasing our kids about. We try to find support or a shoulder while a b aby is puking up on our own. A lot of the time it is great, but over time my group has gone through some *shit*. Today I just didn't have it in me to remember who to walk on eggshells around, who I could just be vulgar with, or who might be pissed at whom over stuff from ages ago. It just was not in me today. Why? I've got too much of my own stuff to deal with that I never bother sharing with this group I've been hanging with for almost three years.

Many of these moms are now pregnant with their #2 babes and I am thrilled for them. At the same time another mom ( a very close friend) has been struggling to become pregnant and so it's generally understood to NOT TALK about the babies on the way and the plethora of fun stuff entailed in the arrival of a second child. I didn't want to be aroudn this balancing act of talking sheepishly about either ultrasounds or fertility injections. I have two beautiful children and honestly I spend my time keeping tabs on them and rarely get a freakin chance to talk to or hear from anybody. In short, that's why I chose not to go. It felt like it would be work to me.

So I chose to hang out with another mom friend. A mom friend who i was blessed enough to happen upon at a free Gymboree class almost two years ago. I'm sure I'll write about her again. She watched my son last minute while I went off to have my daughter. I admire her a lot and feel a great comfort when spending time with her. We hung out at the park and when that got annoying because camp counselors were more into talking on cell phones than watching their charges, we went to her place. The kids played with the great dane while we just talked. My youngest was asleep in a spare pak n play. Her youngest was asleep too. Our eldest kids play well together. It was the break my soul needed and I was grateful.

I'm at a point where I'm wondering: at what point in a relationship with a group do I realize I'm not that close to any of them?

I'm also deep in the knowledge that chosing to not go to a group is sometimes a really really good thing.

Not exactly sure just how I want to use this blog thing.  My husband set it up for me so i might be able to find time to journal.  With two babes under the age of three, that has become all but a complete impossibility.  I do miss the paper and fountain pen a bit.  I also think that by blogging I may spare him the drudgery of listening to my goofy philosophizing I do day by day.

I'm wondering about this big difference between my paper leather bound thought collecting book versus this server driven web hosted public thing.

In my leather thought collector I name names.  I can be as catty or bitchy and accusing and judgmental as I wish.  Or, on the other hand, I can be preachy, super spiritualistic or downright religious as I want.  Not sure if this would fly on the web.  What if one of the names I name happens upon my judgmental ranting.... or my straight edge acquaintances happen upon my house cleansing medium transendent  burning rituals or gratitude prayers?

I imagine I'll get used to it.  God knows I could use space to get stuff out of my head.

Today my husband and I went out on a date to go see "War of the Worlds" . Yeah, we are late in getting to movies; and that we saw a "good" one while it was still in a theater was impressive for us. But anyway. The movie is a great sci-fi thriller and had me on the edge of my seat. Points were quite graphic.. bodies vaporizing, boats flipping, mobs going out of control, post apocalyptic devastation. Good storytelling. But here's what annoyed me: folks brought their preschool aged kids to see it!! What F*** were they thinking? I heard a little 4 year old voice chanting "I won' be scared... I won' be scared" over and over as a mantra at one point during the movie that was VERY scary and I wanted to kick their parents.... or whoever took them to this movie. In the row behind us was a kid about 13 months old tops weeping as aliens ate characters and set a countryside aflame.

People please.... why do you do this?!?! I doubt anyone making this film wants **HELLLOOO RATING SYSTEM** kids under 13 seeing this!